Punch
Luna sighed, pulling the blankets tighter around her. She squirmed under the covers, trying to get more comfortable, but her serenity was interrupted by a soft, pulsing headache.
It quickly accelerated into heavy throbbing and eventually, a thunderous pounding.
“Whu…”
The taste of her own morning breath made her gag.
“Hey Trixie, I think she’s awake.”
Luna looked up. The room was dark, except for a narrow stream of sunlight slipping between green curtains. Vaguely, she recognized the crystal walls of Twilight’s castle, but the voice had come from Sunset Shimmer, sitting tiredly on an armchair next to her bed.
“N-not so loud... What happened?”
“It's Saturday morning," whispered Sunset. "You had a little too much to drink, so Trixie and I brought you back here to sleep it off.”
Luna frowned, but creasing her forehead hurt so much that she was forced to rub her temples with her hooves.
“But… but I do not ‘have too much to drink’! My liver is famed throughout Equis! I felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in a drinking contest! I have emptied the Grand Winery of Minos! I-”
“You got completely smashed and passed out,” said Trixie, snickering as she walked into the room.
“I-I did?”
Sunset peered at her. “You don’t remember?”
***
“HUZZAH! Come, Trixie! Come, Sunset! Our newfound friendship demands a special commemoration! Bartender, kindly grace us with three glasses of the strongest liquor in your cellars!”
“Er…” Cherry bit her lip nervously. “There isn’t a doctor here tonight, so I can’t bring you that, but I do kind of have a cask of Minoan Brandy…”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “I do not understand. Your princess demands your best alcoholic beverage! Surely you don't wish to disappoint her?”
“Actually,” said Sunset quickly, “Maybe we’d be better off with the brandy. Everypony here knows that this is the only place in the country that stocks more than one bottle of Berry’s Punch, and I think we’d all be better off without that.”
“Truly?” Luna looked towards Trixie for support, but the magician merely nodded in agreement.
Unfazed, Luna waved a hoof in indignation. “My liver is famed throughout Equis! I felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in a drinking contest! I have emptied the Grand Winery of Minos! The reindeer raised a statue in honor of my prowess! I will not be intimidated by a drink!”
Cherry scratched her head. “All right, but I can’t legally serve it to you without a doctor in the house…”
“Fie on that! I am a Princess of Equestria! I am making an official exception! Special dispensation!”
“Oookay…” Cherry walked back to the bar and pulled out a bottle of clear liquid and a tray of shot glasses. She brought them over to their booth, but right after taking out the first shot glass, Sunset and Trixie vigorously shook their heads against the second.
“I’ll pass, thanks!”
“Sorry, but Trixie thinks she will prefer her bourbon!”
Luna frowned. “To so refuse a drink is a grievous breach of tradition. This beverage must be quite potent for both of you to fear it so.”
“Wait, you’ve never heard of Berry’s Punch?” said Trixie.
“Be fair, Trixie,” said Sunset. “It’s notorious, but still kind of a trivia question unless you live in Ponyville. I’d never heard of it until I started drinking here.”
Luna narrowed her eyes and levitated the bottle in front of her. On it was a label reading “WARNING: EXTREME FIRE HAZARD”.
Right under that, was the universal Equestrian symbol for poison, along with the words, “NOT TO BE CONSUMED BY NON-PONIES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES”.
And right under that, “OR FOR THAT MATTER BY PONIES WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION – Permit 17A under the Prohibition of Biological Weapons Act”.
Her curiosity piqued, Luna whispered, almost in awe, “What is this drink?"
***
Berry’s Berry Smashing Knockout Punch occupied a thoroughly unique position in Equestrian bar lore. Part open secret, part urban legend, it was correctly rumored to be the single most potent alcoholic beverage ever devised by ponykind – a remarkable feat when one considers the sheer number of ponies that have special talents related to distilling.
Indeed, there was no shortage of wild speculation and ridiculous conjecture regarding its nature and origins – the kind that silly gits were liable to have when they’d got a few pints in and very loudly start having chest-thumping contests over the fortitude of their livers. But Berry Punch herself was always glad to clear up any of those mysteries, as long as the asker wasn’t too obnoxious. Or Prench.
One little secret was that the BBSKP was actually a “mere” seventy-two percent alcohol by volume and hence, surprisingly, just a tiny bit less alcoholic than some of its competitors.
The big secret was that the other twenty-eight percent was what ponies really ought to be worried about.
Its obscurity meant that its effects were somewhat difficult to ascertain, since everypony reacts differently to different drinks. Nevertheless, the results of contact between the beverage and vegetation (along with the surrounding soil) happened to be very well-documented indeed, which was part of the reason why Granny Smith had officially banned Berry Punch from drinking anywhere near the Apple family orchards.
Berry Punch first formulated the brew for the express purpose of winning the very first, and only, Equestrian Distiller’s Association’s Stiffest Drink Competition held in Canterlot. However, despite its notoriety amongst EDA members and bar owners, it never quite managed to enter the public consciousness, let alone adorn the collection of every idiotic frat-colt with more bravado than sense.
This was because, quite simply, the EDA’s inaugural Stiffest Drink Competition officially ended without a single declared winner – all six judges having been hospitalized from being, quote: “near-terminally sloshed”.
In all fairness, this wasn’t entirely the fault of the BBSKP. Somehow, nopony had quite managed to foresee the obvious end-result of judging a competition for the most lethal concoctions producible by the sixteen most exceptional distillers in the country.
***
“It's gin. Sort of?” said Cherry. “It's made from juniper berries. Well, mainly juniper berries. Punch keeps the recipe a tight secret.”
“Punch?”
“Berry Punch,” said Sunset. “Cherry’s sister. She’s got a cutie mark for drinking booze. And making it.”
Trixie nodded. “Sorry, Princess, your liver might be famous, but it’s still hard to beat a pony’s special talent. Unless you have the same special talent, of course.”
Cherry smiled. “Sis does kind of take her drinking seriously. I think she’s the only pony who can finish a whole bottle of this.” She took the bottle from Luna and gingerly poured out enough to fill a single shot glass. “Be careful not to spill any. We’ve lost a few trays that way.”
Luna snorted. “Perhaps this is the standard of strong drinks in Ponyville, but I am no ordinary pony. I have felled the Dragon Lord Blaze in-”
“Okay, I think we heard first time,” said Sunset. “Anyway, you’ve got what you wanted, and without a doctor around, even. Shall we make a toast?” She floated the shot glass over to Luna, but the latter did not take it.
Instead, Luna grumpily snatched up the bottle with her magic. “If Berry Punch can finish one of these, I am certainly equal to the task! Behold, Ponyville!”
“Wait!” cried Cherry, but it was too late.
Luna had pulled the bottle to her lips and gulped. After a couple of mouthfuls however, she stopped, bringing her hoof over to her chest and letting out a fit of coughing. “Ah… strong enough to burn even my throat. Truly a spirit worthy of the name…”
Horrified, Cherry glanced at the bottle floating in the air. Half of it was gone.
“Caramel?” she said, turning to a stallion sitting by the bar, “I think you should go wake Doctor Horse. Now.”
***
“In all fairness, after he examined you, he just recommended observation and an IV drip for dehydration,” said Sunset, pointing at the device next to her bed. “He's downstairs right now. I think Twilight is going to have a panic attack when she wakes up and sees him.”
Luna stared at the blankets she was wrapped in, regret covering her face. She had intended to fly back to Canterlot and resume her duties after the bar closed, but apparently she had managed to neglect the entire night’s worth of work.
“I am chastened. My arrogance overwhelmed my good sense, and I scoffed at Cherry’s warnings when I clearly should have known better. I must visit her later, to express my apologies.”
Trixie grinned. “I think Cherry’s just glad you’re alive. She was so terrified at the idea that she’d poisoned a princess.”
“To be honest, everypony was very impressed,” said Sunset. “You polished off half a bottle of Berry’s Punch in a single swig and aren’t dead. Cherry says even her sister usually paces herself slowly over the course of a few hours.”
“Nay, I thoroughly concede this fight,” said Luna. “Miss Punch is truly a commendable distiller and drinker." She winced and pressed both forehooves against her forehead. “By the stars, I have not had such a hangover, ever. Verily, it could make a minotaur weep. To brew and stomach such a drink, that could knock out an alicorn princess instantly-”
Sunset blushed and scratched her head. “Uh, actually, you didn’t quite pass out right away.”
Luna looked up. “I beg your pardon?”
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Oh a tiny plot I sense, I must learn of plastered Luna shenanigans!!!!!!
We all get monumentally wankered at least once in our lives. It's probably for our own good, if you survive the ordeal, and it lets you know why you should never drink to that level of drunkenness again.
Agree with Silver Twirl got the feeling though she probably didn't last too long
Oh yes. How good are my odds if I asked you to write a bit on Celestia teasing Luna about whatever the hell she did when drunk?
Please tell me you going to tell us what Luna did???!!!
i have feeling luna and trixie are now married......
Meanie! I must know what Luna did after drinking the BBSKP -- and how it affected Sunset and Trixie. I get the feeling that, whatever it was, the citizens of Ponyville won't forget it for several (hundred) years.
All hail the iron liver of the ever-thirsty Princess of the Night!
I demand a continuation to The Hangover - Moonbutt edition!
One wonders just what the Berry sisters' childhood was like, given the usual age that ponies get their cutie marks. So Berry Punch's job is to distill disturbingly strong liquors to ship across Equestria?
What's the other 28%? Nitroglycerin? Bugbear urine? Cactus juice? The world must know!
8211638 Blood of a virgin mare.
I cannot wait till we find out what Luna did. I think Celestia, Cadance, and Twilight are going to rib her for a long time.
8211494 If author does not... oh, hello mob of villagers. I think the author resides over there.
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I'm starting to worry that what I have written is going to pale in comparison to the insanity that people might be expecting.
8211638 alicorn piss
8211693 Don't worry. That mob is only for authors who leave their readers waiting for too long. Just remember that they are out there, watching.
8211693
Noodle incident it then. Keep it vague and let our minds fill in the blanks. Like Carmel will always blush and act shy around Luna even though he is gay.
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Trust me
I will be satisfied whit everything you come up. Just please don't leave us in total darknes.
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You've got 2 options.
1) Write it down anyways and fuck the haters
2) Noodle Incident your way out by keeping it vague and letting us fill in the blanks.
I'm partial to 1 because this is your story, but you should do what you're comfortable with.
Hmmm, I wonder what absolutely smashed Luna was like...
The mysterious 28% is definitely fodder for the mad scientists in the crowd. I’m voting for a little ordinary water, some ether, and just a taste of chloroform. (So this is what a hangover feels like>
🔨
This should prove interesting. Also, way to channel Pratchett in this chapter.
Screw that, what's in it?
I know what I'm gonna do once I get my hands on Flairtender! (VR game)
...How strong are those? Not everyone knows their drinks by name.
Googling it...it’s a rum, with approximately 75.5% alcohol, much higher than rum’s usual 35-40%. Huh. Now it makes sense why you’d have such an adverse reaction to drinking three of them.
Oh, Luna, you silly silly filly. This is why you listen to the experienced drinkers.
Anectdote time: When I went to college, we had a few older students helping the new ones get settled in. This is roughly what they told me about drinking (because new kids away from home for the first time will get into drinking, among other things*):
“You don’t have to drink anything if you don’t want to. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and if anyone tries to goad you into anything, let us know and we’ll take care of it. If you want to drink, that’s cool too, but take it easy if you’re not used to it, it’s more fun that way. You’ll want to have fun, not get wrecked and ruin the night.”
I’ve found that to be wise advice, and passed it on. Because you can’t really stop young adults - freshly away from their parents’ supervision - from getting into the drink if they really want to; you can only try to get them to be a bit sensible about it **. (And if it doesn’t work the first time, the hangovers might help to get them to listen better the second time, maybe.)
* ‘Other things’ meaning ‘sex’.
** Also applies to sex.
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Good thing Sunset Shimmer is around to put an end to that sort of thing, then.
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That’s also the traditional way applejack was made, freeze “distilling” hard cider.
But to be all pedantic, the process really isn’t distillation even if it has a similar result. The freezing process doesn’t remove solids and sugars as distillation does, so the finished product would probably have a heartier flavor than a distilled beverage.
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Mostly apples. :D
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Rest in peace, Sir Terence.
Sounds like 307 Ale.
Huh. Refreshing to get an actual helpful author's note. And a personal one at that.
I vote for noodle incident. None may speak, but all in the know fear it.
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fermented peyote buttons!
Yeah, people seem to forget that alcohol is a poison and being drunk is a symptom of that poison. There is a video of a competition in Brazil of a man who won $600 chugging an entire bottle of tequila. He died 30 minutes later.
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So who got the $600 afterwards?
After reading this chapter, I feel an unstoppable desire to make my own alcohol, Well i'm not exactly sure what law in country says about distillation ( everyone says or writes something else {you can,you can't, there are gaps, there is no gaps ect} ) but I know that in the case of home wine (for personal use, also if they are from your own crops, then you can sell small quantities of it ) you can produce from a few hundred to several thousand liters (not much but better than nothing
). I personally thought about Mead, well we will see if it come out good or not
)
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In the book from The Witcher universe appeared moonshine with Mandragora and Belladonna in( Since then, I've been wondering whether (yes or not) in the real world this combination would be a (deadly) poisonous, they kind wrote that it was seasoned and filtered but still
Reminds me if the time I drank a bottle of booze made with embalming fluid and cheap beer with a shot of whiskey mixed in to tone down the embalming fluid. I didn't wake up for three days. Even the best brewed Mead hasn't done that.
You know it's bad when the bottle has MSDS labels on it.
This is why I don't drink.
No pregnancy warning label? Somepony needs to have words with the Royal Surgeon.
Needs end " mark.
_______________
The two drinks to ever slay me were the Kamakazi and a Botox (1/2th Whiskey Martini, 1/2th Bacardi 151, 1 shotglass vodka). Although my favorite drink is a Golden Amaretto Mash (Whiskey Sour + Amaretto Sour+ A shot of Bacardi 151 (tastes like a spiced Lemonade).
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Original Coke.
A top secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.
Dihydrogen monoxide.
Berry's bar also serves Pangalactic Gargleblasters, but they're not as strong.
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Best Drink in Existence.
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Liquid Cocaine.