A strange creature from beyond the Sun and Moon has arrived in Equestria, much to the consternation of Twilight Sparkle and company. His coming will set off a clash that shall see the wills and strength of two combatants pitted against one another to determine the fate of an entire afternoon.
Fair bit of warning: This story EARNS the "Random" tag. Your Mileage May Vary. Consult a physician before, after, and potentially during reading. Do not allow contact with broken or bruised skin. Do not ingest. If accidentally ingested, do not induce vomiting; it'll come naturally.
"Sex" tag is for innuendo and discussions of heredity.
First part is the meat of the story. Second part is an author's tract masquerading as a conclusion.
Chapters (2)
"Intersection of Planes" seems a perfectly rational and reasonable sort of madness. I approve!
Eh, I was expecting more fun like the first chapter, and got a sermon. Oh well, life is like that.
8195142 Yeah, that's why I separated it from the main body and left the note in the description calling it an "author's tract" to warn people about it. Was it too much?
8195354
<I wanted another cookie!)
Not a problem. I understand that one of the few rewards an unpaid writer has in life is the opportunity to speak his or her mind.
The tract was ...a bit dry, but that's how such things tend.
I think it was the sudden shift in tone that got me: The first chapter was very entertaining with a complex and humorous style, so dropping into the second was a bit like stepping out of a carnival and into a classroom. Classrooms are vitally important, but...
8195405 Heh, okay. I think I might end up cutting it down anyway; I finished it yesterday and having a bit of time to think and having someone point out the shift helps. I think the shift is kind of necessary, but I'm probably going to cut it down so that there's less of it so that it doesn't hit you like a truck, but instead like a pillow smack. Thanks for your input.
8195430
So it's OK if I think you've been spelling "alicorn" wrong?
8195456 Yes, because that's a style disagreement. Also because this thing doesn't care for your spelling one bit.
Reads first author's note,
"Dis gonna be gud, imma go get me some popcorn fo dis.
I agree.
8196280
Well, that was disappointing. I kept expecting this to pick up since you are usually good at random comedy, but besides the short segment in the middle where Celestia broke Twilight's brain it was just boring.
8198065 Well, humor is a subjective thing. I personally was laughing at the villain's name even as I wrote it, and his reactions—and over-reactions—were a treat to write and even read when I was proofreading. And I love using a phrase like "non-Euclidian furball" and I think it's amusing. So I guess I'm eclectic then.
8198365 Eh, none of that really helps when I don't care about the characters, and looking back on it that was really the problem. Both the OCs that drove the plot felt extremely generic and generally devoid of personality, and you made things even worse by using AJ (who has always been a fairly flat and boring character) and Starlight (don't even get me started on that cancer) instead of more interesting characters like...oh, say ANYONE ELSE. You might have been able to save it even with the bad OCs if you had used ponies like Rainbow Dash and Lyra to back Twilight up so there was some real meat to the story there to play off of, but no. That's why the only time it got genuinely funny was when you were playing off Twilight. She could support the story and let you do something genuinely funny, but whenever someone else had the ball it largely fell flat (the princesses also hit this for a big chunk of the story since Celestia's behavior just sort of happened with no buildup).
Remember, the best a phrase like "non-Euclidian furball" can do on its own is a quick smile, and without any substance to the rest of the story it does stand on its own. Comedy needs something for the audience to anchor to in order to be effective, and this story just didn't have it so the whole thing fell flat.