Rock-A-Bye Acres

Alone and in tears in a desolate orchard, Apple Bloom is struggling to come to terms with the apparent rejection of her crush, yet is all as it seems, or is this all just a huge misunderstanding?

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Comments ( 9 )

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The Bricklayer

The Bricklayer #1 · May 27th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Aww, such a sweet story. And for your first time writing Tender Taps, I'd say you did pretty well. You captured his character perfectly.

Ribe_FireRain

Ribe_FireRain #2 · May 27th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8192708 Aw, shucks... <3 Thanks!

Also, congrats on being the first in the comments! Have a digitash -

Bluecatcinema

Bluecatcinema #3 · May 27th, 2017 · 2 · ·

That was just beautiful. This story is going right into my favorites list.

Autumn Wind

Autumn Wind #4 · May 28th, 2017 · 3 · 6 ·

I'll be honest with you: I couldn't get very far into this story because of a few pervasive issues in your writing style. If I may offer some constructive criticism:

She sat with her back pressed firmly against a tree on the borderline of the farm, off in a desolate area where hardly nopony visits or remembers.

Your verb tense has a tendency to pull back to the present despite the rest of the sentence being in past tense. You need to be consistent with your tenses. Nopony visited the orchard at the time; the present is irrelevant here.

Her head was in her hooves and she was crying heavily, ears drooped and features sunken and sulked so that she was curled into her own lap as she cried. It didn't matter how hard she cried out here; nopony could hear her.

You tend to smother your sentences in adjectives and additional descriptives, which leads to heavy, heavy runons and the occasional redundancy, like here. You told us she was crying three times in two sentences. "Her head was in her hooves, ears drooped and features sunken. It didn't matter how hard she cried; nopony could hear her." would have gotten the same point across while being a lot less tiring on the reader.

These were not the tears a regular pony produces when they are upset, but much rather the kind only a broken, shattered heart could produce. It stung. Oh, Celestia, did it sting something fierce. Like a cold, aching venom in the bloodstream.

Sentences like these generally don't amount to much except basically holding up a sign to the reader: "Be sad here. This is sad."

Her soft yellow fur was wind-brushed and unkempt, much like her usually well-groomed and smoothened, silky red hair with a pink bow tied into the back of it, nestled snug between her ears.

I understand you're trying to be descriptive here, but this is way too many adjectives for one sentence. You could get the same point across with something like "Her fur was a mess; her mane in a tangle around her crumpled bow."

I recommend having a look at this; it would be a good first step if you're looking to improve. http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Using-Purple-Prose-when-Writing

There's some improvement to be had here, but keep it up!

Amethyst_Dawn

Amethyst_Dawn #5 · Jul 17th, 2017 · 3 · ·

8194301
You must be new to the "Sad" tag.

lillytheomegawolf

lillytheomegawolf #6 · Sep 23rd, 2017 · · ·

Cute story. Glad I read it

Skyfall360

Skyfall360 #7 · Oct 1st, 2017 · 1 · ·

before the ending: Alrighty, where's my machine gun locked with mini nukes and grenades..?

After the ending: *puts gun away*
good... i like this!

ScarletSky

ScarletSky #8 · Nov 16th, 2019 · · ·

8194301
Dude. Why you so picky? Did that sentence bother you? Good. in all seriousness though, I'm all for criticism that helps an author improve, but I think you're taking it a little too far.