• Member Since 21st Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

colt alchemist


Just a guy with ideas constantly popping out of my brain.

T

Kitsune - Mythical fox spirits that are able to use magic and are often known for causing mischief. Unlike normal foxes, Kitsune has multiple tails. They start with one, but as they grow older, stronger and wiser, they earn more tails. The oldest, strongest and wisest are the nine-tailed kitsune...

When a small group of these strange creatures appear in Equestria, there can only be so many ways this could end. Led by a fox with seven tails, the skulk escapes to Equestria for a new home after they've lost their previous one. This is their story...

Thanks to the talented TP Night for the editing, proofreading, and overall help with the story.
Note: Although there is a slice of life tag, there will be some adventure moments throughout the story as well.
Edit: Featured 6/23/18!
Featured again 8/14/18! Thank you, everyone!

Chapters (15)
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Comments ( 109 )

Love it so far (especially the part of the illusionary trick) can't wait to meet the otherrs

Thanks to the talented TP Night for the editing, proofreading, and overall help with the story.

Thanks for the "Talented" part. :raritywink:

very intresting they way you did this is a hell of a lot better then what i did

8190840 i did a Zoroark who is a fox but i think you did it better

8190847 eyyyyyy what's up. I found ya. It's an easter egg when someone you know is in the comment section of a story you read.

I can see this going in an interesting direction, and you captured the character of kitsune pretty nicely. Speaking of said fox, Kichiro is cool so far! He's an interesting character for sure, but his personality is that of a textbook trickster; you did him quite nicely. Make sure he doesn't lose his character.

That said, the flow between some sentences in this first chapter kind of irked me. Here's an example:

Applejack gave her next tree a hard buck. Apples dropped from the tree and landed in the wooden basket below. Applejack wiped the sweat off her brow.

Just these sentences being separated by periods and explaining their individual actions feels robotic and a little rushed, as if they only exist as scene transition and not the actual plot. Try transitioning between sentences with commas followed by conjunctions. I personally would have structured this paragraph as follows: "Applejack gave her next tree a hard buck, causing its luscious red apples to be released from the grasp of its branches, and into her basket where they would await the final stages of their harvest. Her hard work under Celestia's warm sun prompted the hardy mare to wipe sweat that had begun to soak her brow." That's one way to put it, but you do you. It's nice to tell a story, but presenting the setting makes it more enjoyable rather than rushing through the plot. A story has more value when the world it takes place feels alive.

Speaking of commas, they're an invasive species in this first chapter. There're tons of places where there's a comma where a period should be, and by consequence, there's a good bit of comma splices. Example A:

But don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of this pest

That comma between 'worry' and 'I'm' should be a period, unless you wanted to say something like 'But don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna take care of this pest.', then it would work. Two complete sentences can't held together by a comma; that's a comma splice.

One more little nitpick, beware of how you use ', and'. I just explained comma splices, but this transition is meant to circumvent that. Example: 'Barry went to the store. He bought milk' could also be written as 'Barry went to the store, and he bought milk'. Using ', and' is really meant to connect two complete sentences that go together contextually(or not. Your call), but using it to list subjects and predicates is always ok.

Despite my grammatical issues so far, the first chapter is promising in terms of story. It sets up enough to catch my interest, but so much that it's pretty much spoiled for me. I'll have to read the next chapter to see more, but keep this up! Let's hope Discord doesn't start to get jealous of a three-tailed fox! :raritywink:

8192901 I'm glad you like Kichiro. And yeah, I'll be sure to spot out those tiny grammar errors in the future. But I feel like my editor did a great job with everything else. And seeing how the title of this fic is called, "The Four Foxes," there's obviously going to be three more foxes to meet. Hope you like the next fox I introduce :twilightsmile:

Another fun kitsune, but with a noticeable variation in personality from Kichiro. I like it! This fic is pretty fun so far. The 'Dark' tag does leave me to wonder considering how comical and light-hearted these first two chapters have been.....

8192912 Oh trust me, there's a reason for the dark tag. But talking about it would lead into spoiler territory. Anyway, glad you're liking the fic so far. I think I'm almost done with the next chapter actually.

ou made a story about my favorite creatures in Mythology! i could kiss you! :duck:

Suddenly, I'm getting flashbacks to Okami. That said, I like the idea of a renegade kitsune who doesn't care if she's seen or not despite her capabilities.

i thought the fox was going to send wisp after the disk not use hyper beam

8192981 Never played Okami, but I heard it was a fun game. And cool, wait til you meet the last fox. :twilightsmile:

Trixie just stared awkwardly at Trixie

Omg Trixie I didn't know you could use that jutsu
:trixieshiftleft: One as powerful as Trixie does not show all of her secrets in one Great performance :trixieshiftright:

Pff, Spike acts like Reiko is at fault here. Who would trust complete strangers -and a princess no less- in a completely new world from the get go? She has all reasons to distrust a ruler who invites you into the own home after maybe 10 seconds of real conversation. Poor naive little Ponies.

I have the feeling solely Starlight may get her out of the defense. And I'm interested to see how you portray Celestia and Luna in this fic.

“Hey! Do you know how hard it was to catch this guy? Even with magic, these things are a pain to hunt down. You should be thanking me.”

“Thank you?!”

“You’re welcome.”

“I wasn’t-”

She was interrupted when her dog, Winona, came running and barking towards her. She sprinted past her owner, scooped up the dead bird, and ran off.

“Winona, drop that this instant! That is not food, and it’s not a toy!” Applejack demanded as she chased down her dog.

Kichiro smiled. “My work here is done."

Indeed, indeed it is. :moustache: But he shouldn't tell Fluttershy about it.

Good concept, felt like it was trying a little to hard to make the fox quirky and charming, but overall solid.

8262399
Glad you like it so far. Just wait til you meet the other foxes. :twilightsmile:

This. This is how a fix with kitsune should be made... and I love it~

Short description, first sentence: kitsunes, not Kitsune's. No capital letter or apostrophe needed. That's cringeworthy enough to drive readers away.

8317562

No Need to be a Grammar Nazi. There is no caveman speak anywhere in this fic. The Author is doing a fair job with the text, and a phenomenal job with the story as a whole. I absolutely love the foxes, especially the fox hunt chapter.

To the Author, keep up the great work. To those who would run pissing themselves from a great Fic simply because a word isn't capitalized, you got issues far larger than being A brony shut in.

cringeworthy enough to drive readers away.

Seriously? Personally I have a massive issue with authors who use the word "Chuckled" in their stories. On this website the word Chuckled is far over used, so I tend to lambast Authors who over use it. But hammering an Author over the capitalization of a single word is just being petty.


The Monk

You know, I think some of you need to be reminded of one simple fact. These aren't paid Authors. The majority of Authors on this site write as a hobby. They don't HAVE to write these stories, but they do so as a gift to the fan base and the site as a whole. I for one am thankful that Colt wrote this fic and that he/she has continued to update it for me. Colt has a full time Job as well as REAL WORLD responsibilities that they have to take care of, and yet, he/she continues to use his/her spare time to add to this fantastic fictional world. We need to think before making comments to these Authors who, to be honest, get absolutely nothing for wasting their time writing stories for us to read.

The Monk

8324597
Aww, thanks user whom I've just met. :twilightsmile: I'm glad that someone understands how some authors work and that we have real lives in the real world with real problems. I'm also glad you're liking the story so far. Any other feedback you'd like to give or any problems you'd like to address? If not, that's fine and It's good to know there are readers out there who're actually supporting the story.

8324545
The apostrophe that was turning the word into a possessive was the larger source of cringe, which the author removed.

8325178
I thought we were passed this. Please move on. Besides, everybody has their own definition of what they find "cringe worthy."

K, I just finished going through the chapters up to the most recent, and I have to say I AM HOOKED! Start off, I love how the main OCs are Kitsune foxes, and how much you developed them as well. Awesome mythical animals, and makes this more special as a whole. Much of the pony characters are pretty well done here too, and nice adding Trixie, Discord, and Starlight as a stronger focus here - more variation and potential for what could happen :twilightsmile:. And considering what the kitsune foxes could do, that's anyone's guess :pinkiehappy:.

Keep up the good work. I'd go into more detail, but I think I'll do a video review of it to better say (if that's okay with you, of course :raritywink:)

8339356
Hey, sorry with the late reply, I've been gone for a while. I'm still away on a trip but I found time to reply. Anyway, I'm glad you're liking the story so far and the foxes themselves. As for the video review, I do like the idea of it, but seeing how this story just started there might not be a whole lot to work with. Maybe once I get a few more chapters written out where the story is more fleshed out then you could do a review? Idk, it's just my personal preference. All in all, I'm glad you like the story so far and I can't wait to show you what I have in store for you all.

8356046
In that case I'll wait on the video review then, if you prefer it. :twilightsmile:

Boy, Kichiro is full of tricks, isn't he? x3 Nice choice on the bugs, especially with the Tsuchigumo :twilightsmile: Hope kichiro learns to hold himself back to avoid anymore dizzy spells like that in future ... though I doubt it :derpytongue2:

8377361
Glad you liked the chapter. And we'll just have to wait and see. Kichiro can be very tricky sometimes.

Wonderfully done, loved the antics the fox pulled with Apple Jack.

8403830
It's what a group of foxes are called.

This review is brought to you by the group, "A for Effort".
Name of Story: The Four Foxes
Total Score out of 10: 9
Pros: Solid syntax and an appealing idea; plus no errors as far as I can see... You had a good editor. I've also never seen a story with a prompt like this before, so you get extra kudos for creativity.

Cons: A lot of "She"s and "Her"s. You should try and cut down on the pronouns, and instead find ways to combine sentences and use different starters. It becomes a little droning to see three simple sentences in a row start with "She," so you lost a point for that.

Additional Notes: Pretty darn good work here, from what I see. I hope you continue the quality work, but keep in mind those pronouns.

This sounds like an interesting story. Too bad it hasn't gotten popular.

8507087
It is very interesting. I like it it's not too eccentric and has a very robust build!

IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEE!!!!!!!

8965748
Yeah, I apologize for the long wait. I uploaded a blog post explaining its absence a couple of days ago.

8967281
Again, I apologize for its absence. What did you think?

8968928
I'm glad you liked it and the characters so far. And I plan to write more chapters this summer now that I've got a clear mind again.

8968986
I can't tell you what would happen in future chapters, that would be spoiling the surprise.

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