• Member Since 7th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen 29 minutes ago


Born in 1997 Became a brony August 2014.



Sweetie Belle and Rarity decide to go to the beach and Rarity and Sweetie Belle make a dare there

Rewritten By Captain Yoshi HD

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 61 )

I should be 'at the beach' right now, instead of reading sub-par stories. :unsuresweetie:

There's some commas, but not enough.

8186830 I'm going to fix that don't worry

8186832 Don't act like you're not used to it by now. :ajbemused:

8186836 Alright fine I am :(

(Sigh) And we're back to sub-par stories. The world has yet to change, and pigs have resumed their normal grounded state.

8186841 This is what happens when I don't have the time to edit a new story every day. :derpytongue2:

8186839 I wonder what the reason could be... either we're a bunch of trolls, or you're just not very good? Or maybe you're getting exactly the reaction you intend. Who knows. Only you can diagnose your own weird and wonderful state of mind. In the meantime, I'm off to get some ice cream. Vanilla. Ciao. :raritywink:

8186841 Lol that was my exact critique, and did we ever leave that realm in the first place? :pinkiesmile:

8186841 :( I edited it as much as I could see where there was issues

8186851 I'm sorry I'm just not that good :(

8186857 Explain why we find that hard to believe. You keep saying sorry, but you almost NEVER deliver.

8186854 ...Not since the last I checked, unless Discord suddenly Discorded Evictus and made him a great writer and none of us noticed.

8186881 And yet somehow I don't believe that one either.:fluttershysad:

8186884 You don't? :(

This is the reason why I advised you to take your time and stop the daily stories. That way, at least I'd maybe have the time to edit a few more of them.

Holy hell, this is actually really improved over your old works. Nicely done.

8186887 Why would he? The evidence is stacking up.

8186891 I'm sorry I just had an idea and away I went

Honestly, well done. In comparison with your other... -ahem- stories, this is a massive improvement. There are some things here and there that could use some work but you have done well to listen to what people advise, and for that I applaud you. Keep this up and I'm sure you will be able to make stories everyone will love.

8186892 Thank you :twilightsmile:

8186893 Evidence of what?

8186895 Let's be honest, there's still a heck of a lot of room for improvement. And it's not like he hasn't had much practice, either. Wait a few more stories, before proclaiming a 'new dawn'. :rainbowdetermined2:

8186895 I will keep it up! Thank you! :)

8186905 At the very least he's making an effort to change. Can you ask anything else from him? He isn't going to go from 'absolutely awful' to 'brilliant' in a single day. Instead of pointing out that he has room for improvement, maybe explain how he can improve? I refuse to side with these comments that are laying into him for simply not being that great of an author.

8186913 Enough people have already told him 'how to improve' but the quality or lack thereof still maintains the same. My personal opinion now is he only writes these extremely basic stories for the 'lolz'. I guess I'm far more of a cynic than you. Anyway, I'm not here to argue. If you enjoy his stories then great, but please respect the view of those who don't. Thank you. :moustache:

8186919 The fact that his grammar and sentence structure has been improving says a lot. He obviously isn't going to improve right away, but you can't expect any author to do that. Take my old stories for example, you can still find them, and I found them to be pretty good at the time. But now, as I have improved, I can see the masses of errors that I couldn't see at the time. Just assuming that he is a troll even after he has shown improvement is almost at the level of being in denial.

8186925 Like I said, I have my view and you have yours. I need to see some real evidence before I can agree with your prognosis. 'One swallow doesn't make a summer', as they say.

And it would be nice to have one comment in this thread it without being downmarked within a few seconds of publication, just because someone disagrees with what you say. Wouldn't it be pretty boring, if we all thought the same way?! :raritywink:

8186925 I still don't have a lot of faith in him. All of his stories, except for the one before this one have been absolute crap, and then suddenly he jumps to massive improvement? Even the most worthless gambler gets lucky once, and then he loses it all again.

8186939 The story right above this is enough proof. He clearly hasn't used an editor as the story still has errors, and I am in no way saying that it is perfect. But surely the fact that he has now listened is enough proof, yes?

And me and a friend combined have never heard that saying used once....

8186946 What you guys didn't see was his last story has used an editor. Is it that much of a stretch to believe that the editor gave him a lesson on how to write stories? I was an editor for over 6 months and I would have done just that if I had found his story.

8186951 Okay, fine. I will admit he shows some improvement in this story, and I shall read the next few diligently to see if the standard is maintained. Can't say fairer than that, can you? Let's see what the reaction is to that statement. Truce? :raritywink:

And that phrase does exist, look it up on google.

8186965 Fine by me, but please, cut down on the emojis? Not in a negative way, just makes the comments seem less professional...

8186963 Yup. I mainly just added commas here and there and worked on the story's pacing a bit.

8186963 Okay, I'll admit this story isn't shit, but like 8186965 said, I will wait and see if his next story maintains the same quality as the one before this one and then we'll see who is right here.

8186972 I've been writing with emojis since I joined. People seem to like using them, or they wouldn't exist. I'm not trying to be 'professional' on an informal message board, but if they annoy you I shall refrain from using them when speaking to you. Deal?

8186975 Did you have some criticism?

8186987 I appreciate that. I guess we'll talk again in his next story.

8186989 I don't think I need it.

All those attempts, it's obvious what I'm going to say, isn't it?

8186992 Guess we will. I tend to try and keep my word, so expect an honest warts-and -all review.

I'm glad our minor disagreement didn't escalate, there's enough tension in this world without falling out over something this silly...

8187008 I am only here to defend Evictus. Until proven otherwise, I believe he is making an effort to change. Honestly, I kinda expected you to blow up, but I'm glad you didn't ^~^

8187016 Anyone who really knows me knows that isn't the kind of person I am. Occasionally I can be a bit sarcastic (hence the username) but the last thing I want to do is 'hate' for no good reason or crush aspirations. I call it as I see it, and I intend to do the same on the next story for better or for worse. Thank you for being reasonable (insert banned pony smiley here)... ;)

It's getting gradually better.

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