Sleepless Nights

by Goatmeal

Revelations

Chapter 2: Revelations

Twilight left the library, walking into town, a slight frown on her face. She felt she could use some fresh air, and not to mention buy some more milk.

She entered the marketplace, looking around. After a minute or so, she spotted the milk stand. She began to walk over to it.

“Oh, hello Twilight,” Fluttershy greeted, having just spotted the unicorn.

“Hi, Fluttershy,” Twilight said slightly glumly.

Fluttershy caught on. “Is something wrong?” she asked gently. “I mean, only if you want to tell me, that is.”

“Oh, it’s nothing bad. I’m just a little lonely with Spike in Canterlot.”

“I’m sorry,” she said truthfully. “You can always stay at my place if you like.”

“No, that’s alright,” Twilight said, “but thanks for the offer.” Fluttershy left to finish her shopping, looking sorry for her friend. Twilight approached the salespony.

“How may I help you, ma’am?” the colt asked. He was tall, had a brown coat, and had a bottle of milk for a cutie mark.

“I’d like two bottles, please,” Twilight said, depositing six bits on the counter.

“Um, that’ll be eight bits, actually.”

Twilight frowned. She only brought six. “Isn’t that a little much?”

“Sorry, but we’re low on milk lately. I can’t offer any less.”

“Sorry,” Twilight said, turning around, disappointed.

“Hey, Twi. Is something wrong?” Rainbow’s voice came from her left.

She looked at Rainbow quickly, a light blush on her cheeks. “Oh, it’s nothing, Rainbow. I just didn’t bring enough bits for milk.”

Rainbow smiled. “How short?”

“Two.”

The pegasus tossed two bits on the counter, smirking. “I gotcha covered.”

Twilight’s blush deepened.

- - -

Rainbow Dash cut through the skies at breakneck speeds. Well, to a normal pony, at least. To the speedy pegasus, she was only drifting. Turning to the left, she began spiraling toward the ground. Pulling herself back up, she rose skyward. She continued pulling until she did a flip. Using the boost of gravity, she went even faster.

Ten minutes later, Rainbow idly sat on a cloud, pondering things. She really did love the skies. So open, so free. She loved the feel of wind blowing through her mane, air rushing under her wings, even the thrill of almost impacting the ground before pulling out of the dive. Other ponies might have been fearful, but other ponies weren’t Rainbow Dash. Given some time, she’d be into the Wonderbolts for sure.

She looked down upon the town. She felt connected to it, even having been raised in Cloudsdale. She remembered what she said to Twilight that one day. I’d never leave Ponyville hangin’.

Her thoughts moved to Twilight. She wondered how the unicorn was enjoying her new home. Duh, she said to herself. She lives in a library. She’s probably having the time of her life. She remembered seeing Twilight in the market. She doesn’t look like it, though. She’s been acting weird lately. Next time I see her, I’ll ask her what’s wrong. She paused. I’d never leave Twilight hangin’ either. She stood up, stretched her wings, and took off into the sky once more, a rainbow trail in her wake.

- - -

Something was troubling Twilight Sparkle. Anypony who looked could tell that. Fashion designers included. Rarity noticed her lavender friend sitting upon a park bench, frowning.

Rainbow Dash, Twilight thought to herself. Egotistic, brash, and a bit of a show off. Naps all day, whenever she’s not practicing some crazy new stunt. Clears clouds faster than anypony I’ve ever seen. Element of Loyalty. She remembered that faithful moment when Rainbow came out of the mist, having turned down her dreams for her friends. Then there was the milk. She chuckled. It seemed like nothing next to the bridge, but she appreciated it almost as much. She’s also brave, fast, and… charming. Why had she thought that? Why did she feel so glum? Why did she always blush in her presence? Twilight’s eyes opened wide. Do I like Rainbow Dash?

“Is something wrong, Twilight dear?” Rarity asked loudly.

Twilight snapped out it. “What?”

“Is everything okay?” She looked concerned.

Twilight realized that it was the third time she was asked that. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” She tried to change the subject. “I was just wondering how I would- um, organize the library magazines. They really are a mess,” she lied.

Rarity’s eyes lit up, any trace of concern gone. “Oh, dear you must tell me. Do you have the new Hoity Toity Weekly yet? It’s far overdue, as a matter of fact…” The unicorn continued talking about the latest fashion trends, but Twilight stopped listening. Looking past her friend, she saw a shape high above the town, a multicolored trail traced behind it. She sighed. There was no denying it.

Rarity stopped. She saw Twilight gazing off into the distance. She turned her head and saw the object of Twilight’s attention, then looked back at the mare. “Well, I must be off,” she said, pretending she hadn’t noticed. Twilight’s attention snapped back to the fashion designer.

“Oh- um, see you later,” she said with a blush. With a smile far too understanding for Twilight’s comfort, Rarity departed.

The sun was low on the horizon. She had been at the park a long time. With a sigh, she began the slow walk home, to an empty library, and another sleepless night.

Comments

[FireFlash13231]

epic win

[Twilicorn]

TwiDash makes me all warm and fuzzy inside This is no exception. Keep it up, and have a star and thumb.

[Goatmeal]

894882>>895189 Thank you very much. I really do love the community of this website.

(Also, The Ticket Master is awaiting approval for those of you who are wondering.)

[Sanctae]

Heya. I've had a read and you're off to a pretty good start; you're certainly pushing all enough of the TwiDash buttons to get my interest. There are a few things that you could do to make it read a little better.

I mean, I only bring it up because you say it's your first fic and that you are actively looking for tips to improve, and there are some big, easy things that you could do make this read better.

I don't wanna be that guy who swoops in and starts declaring that he knows everything. It's just a little friendly advice, so ignore me if you think I'm a jerk who's talking nonsense. On the other hand if you want a more detailed discussion I'd be happy to do that to.

The first big thing is that you keep using
--
that.

It took me a moment to work out that that was a scene break as, being left aligned and kind similar to an ellipsis (...) it doesnt stand out. I would consider centering it and maybe using more dashes or putting gaps between them.

The other thing is that your scenes are very, very short and sometimes the breaks lack context. For instance, the first break at:
This morning, however, she felt grumpy.
---
“Come on, Spike.”

That's okay, but the start of the next scene doesn't establish that any time has passed. It gives no context. So when we get 'It was dark out.' I got realyl confused and had to go back and check I hadn't missed something. This is -doubly- true here because not one sentence before that you were talking about the sunrise. It goes 'Look how sunny it is!' -break- 'Oh my it's so dark out' with no real feeling of transition.

I basically bring this up because you say you want to keep the writing smooth. The writing itself IS smooth, but having all these tiny scenes damages that when you read though. That scene with the cleaning, for example. Only one thing happens in it. Spike read a letter. You can do more to build that into a bigger scene.

There's a few grammar points in that middle section as well. "Spike groaned as they walked into the front door. It was quite some party." is the wrong tense (this also confused me as to what time it was in the scene). You probably want "That was quite some party" as dialogue or maybe "It had been quite some party". As it stands, it sounds like the narrator is describing the door as being a party.

Just a quick style point: "She began to start picking up stray party hats". This reads a little awkwardly because of the phrase 'began to start'. 'Start' already covers that she is beginning to do something, as does 'began'. You can cut either of those words: "She started picking up" or "She began to pick up", and you dont lose anything. As a rule, you dont want superfluous words.

Don't use ... as a scene break. It's already a thing and, combined with the left alignment, you run a real risk of confusing people.

A glass of milk sounded good. “Spike!” she called out instinctively. “Oh.”
This is really good. I like this bit a lot as it shows us a little character stuff without drawing attention to it. This is really well done, but as a style thing I would generally put each line of dialogue starting a new line. Mixing prose and dialogue can look a bit cluttered.

“Spike!” she said again. Upon remembering that he was in Canterlot, she felt worse than ever.
This is weaker. In the first one of these little bits you don't explain the joke, that Spike isn't there, and it works really nicely. This time, you explain the punchline and it weakens it. More so because you didnt the first time. You should maybe have used the same trick of letting the audience work it out: “Spike!” she said again. The house was silent. She felt worse.

Anyway, I'm going to stop now. This is turning into a wall of text and I feel like a douchebag for dumping criticism on you.

I think you really have promise, for what my opinion's worth, that's why I'm bothered to write all this out. It's not out of spite or because you're not good at writing, you are good. But you could very easily be better and I'd like to help.

[HikariToYami]

The first chapter opened my interests this one sttled them

[Goatmeal]

895837 I don't mind at all. As a matter of fact, I am grateful. I will definitely use your advice in making it better reading. Thanks for taking the time to help!

[RainbowShy1241]

Very good. I never really liked Twilight, but I love Rainbow Dash and that's what attracted me to this story. Love it so far hope to see some more soon.

[Goatmeal]

896151 Thanks!

[Smoking weed]

Hey guess what. More!

[Goatmeal]

972345 The next chapter is being edited and will be posted sometime around a few days from now, maybe a little longer.