Chapter 1
Chapter 1
I woke up to with a start, "what happened?, I was buying that cloak when I was knocked out... Aaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh, that was the merchant, I am so thick!!!I got so caught up in the con that I didn't even recognize him I'm such an idiot!! ...Ok, what do I look like?"
I was in some sort of cave, so I began looking for a pool of water, when I found one I wasn't that shocked. I looked like A cloaked shadow creature with two glowing gold eyes, matching my oc perfectly, of course and I didn't even dress up in his final form the beginner form was so much easier.
"Alright where am I?" I wandered for quite awhile before I found the cave opening. " well that's different, most displaced ended up in the everfree but I ended up in a desert. No one around for miles, great. Well better than timber wolf territory I guess." ... " Alright, first order of business,inventory then find civilization and finally start learning my new powers."
I began emptying my pockets, "let's see, sword, pistol, machete, dagger, viral dagger, gauntlets, mask, cloak, satchel, compass, map, 5 mre's, bag of bits, thermos, and magic tome. Not bad for a start, this should be enough for a one way trip in a single direction. Let's see, according to the map I am in the zebrican desert, their equivalent of the Sahara , great, ok I seam to be here near the edge I will need to travel northwest."
With that I ate an mre filled my thermos with water and began my journey.
—---------------------------------------—
It has been two days, I can see what looks like a caravan on its way from a nearby city. From the looks of it there are five zebras, two griffons, a minotaur, and a striped Pegasus all anthro. I have decided to watch them for a little while,I've hidden above a narrow pass so I will meet them just before they reach it. If things go wrong, the pass has many twists and turns so I should be able to escape everyone except the Pegasus, but she looks rather timid so she shouldn't be a problem.
"What is your homeland like bronzefist?" Asked the Pegasus.
"You would not like it young firefly, only the strongest of Minotaur even get homes and I am the weakest In my family. That is why I am not in my homeland now." replied bronzefist.
With there short conversation over I called out, "Hello, everypony."
Firefly jumped and bronzefist took out his spear, "Who and what are you creature?"
"My name is gilded tome, I was passing through this pass and saw you. Decided it would be good to gather information on the next town."
"Neighrobi would not allow a creature such as yourself in their walls. You haven't told what you are creature."
"I am a human, a being of change and knowledge, and as for them not letting me in, I merely need to buy some food and water, and to find a path to equestria."
"They will allow that, I think, but you will need an escort. We are headed to Neighrobi ourselves, so you may travel with us. Gather your things and we will escort you."
"Thanks, I already have all my belongings in my satchel, let's go."
—--------------------------------------—
We traveled for the rest of the day, bronzefist has informed me that we will reach Neighrobi tomorrow, so I lied down in the caravan and slept, ready to travel to Equestria the next day.
—-----------------------------------------—
"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!" I jumped up and took out my pistol, slowly I looked outside through the crack in the wall.
"Shut up, uuuggghhh! What is with mares and screaming, it's not like it will save them or something."
"Who cares, the boss told us to kill her before she gets back to equestria. I'm not going to be the one to tell him we failed."
"We aren't going to fail idiot we just need to put a spear in her gut, seriously you are such a coward."
I had been fooling around with my stuff since I left the cave, I found out I can manipulate each item in a different way. Like, making my gun silent.
'Pfft'
"Dynamo!!!!"
'Pfft'. "Next time I won't miss, release the prisoners and lower your spear!"
"Ok! Ok! Just don't kill me!"
The stallion did as he was told and firefly tied him up, with that I stepped out.
"Any idea who this guy is?"
"None, I'm going to equestria to find my father. He was in the royal guard and was reassigned before I was born. He's all I have left."
"Well firefly, lets extract some info shall we?" I pulled out my dagger.
"Whoa! Whoa! I'll tell you whatever you want just don't hurt me!"
"Who do you work for?" I juggled my daggers.
"I don't know." I threw my first dagger in between his legs.
"I'll try again, who do you work for!!!?"
"I don't know! I don't know! I swear, he never showed his face!!" He began crying, "please, just font hurt me."
"This guy doesn't know anything, I'll watch him till we get to equestria. Get some sleep, bronzefist seems to have slept through everything."
With that I sat by the caravan were I could see our prisoner and slept.
Stats
Page generated in 0.067 seconds
Total duration
980 users online
60,793 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I plan on at least one chapter a week. More if I can, be sure to like and comment
Well that did it. Get out, I've met anti brownies nicer than you. I know you didn't choose to review my story for "**** and giggles" I apologized for my stinking attitude earlier just leave me alone. I write as best as I can. If you can't be kind in any way, don't comment on my stuff. I'm deleting your comment. I want an impartial editor who will correct grammar errors and not criticize me while doing so. I was taught that no matter how bad someone treats you, you let them sit in there bad attitude and walk away. You however will bury them in criticism.
8190958
Ah, so you're going down this road. Okay.
I'm sorry, she and I have clashing personalities. I'm open to suggestion, but I will NOT be told what I an and cannot writ
I have a sadly horrible temper with those intentionally b****y. She openly admitted that she treat everyone that way because "many" people won't listen otherwise. I'm different however, I balk at that attitude
8190958 First of, deleting a Comment is never good. No matter how bad.
Also Midi got a lot of points. If you don't want problems because of Grammar get a Betareader first before you post. And read a few FFs and also a few writer guides before you write. There are so many things that are missing, from the length of the chapters, to the "chat" like mostly dialogue writing style and many more. You talk about how great your character looks, but never gave us much of why the character looks great or even how he really looks. Lets go over to to Sue part. If this is an complete OC why in all hells would people want a picture with the character? Also the lack of any form of description. Your action scene, or what you seem to think is one has no suspense or any form of action, or form of anything besides the talking shit and sound effects. This are just a few of the most basic things in writing. I am not even starting things like character development or a strong and clear Plot line.
8190996
Then you're fucked and doomed as writer.
I bury them in criticism in attempts to make them better. Balking at my attitude is like pissing yourself when a four year old throws a stuffed animal you.
The fact you can't even spell write foreshadows your doom.
8190958
And I've a four year old sister with a better grasp on the english language than you.
I recommend that you develop thicker skin, Tomb. If you want to be a good writer, taking criticism, blunt or not blunt, comes with the territory. In fact, the blunter the review, the better off you'll be for it. You can either turn a negative into a positive, or you can keep it a negative. That's entirely up to you, but it'll determine where you go as a writer.
The writing game isn't hospitable for the sensitive types, I can tell you that much. You either learn that lesson now, or learn it the hard way later on. As I said, that's up to you.
8190958
This site, and the rest of the real world for that matter, doesn't work that way outside of elementary schools and college campuses that enforce speech codes that change every single day.
An editor that won't critique you whilst editing is very hard to come by. I should know; I have two of them for Arcane and one of them points out flaws in grammar and the other in how a scene is playing out. It's actually improved the work I've mentioned substantially, because I have two extra sets of eyes that catch things I don't.
Even with the option to delete comments, it don't work like that here at all. Just an FYI.
... *looks at story with suspicion* If that's your best, you have fifteen long roads ahead of you. Just another FYI.
I'm sorry, I just don't like midnightchaos. I'm one of those fanatical bronies that actually believes the love and tolerate thing. In she has been the total opposite of that. I know she is only doing the tough love way of things, but I would rather no one comment on my site unless they actually like my "horrible story"
Enigmus, I don't have a thin skin. I merely have no patience for midnight chaos. I have a very short temper, I live in the middle of knowhere so I have no social skills. And when someone tries to bury me I dig myself out and fight to not be buried again. And did I mention I have a shorte temper ?
Krozairofequestria, it wasn't meant to be an action scene, my oc is laid back.
Another thing, I'm a closet brony, no one , not even my family know. They would f-ing beat me if they knew so I don't have much in the way of time to make writers guides like normal people.
My entire life no one has tried to be kind to me on my "horrible ideas", and yet I have more faith in the kindness of the world than some of you.
I am sorry to those who actually like my story, I'm just tired of these "you have to do this or your doomed" comments. Leave me in my idiocy 'call it whatever you wish' just leave me be
And before any of you commen, know that if it's more negative or tough love criticism I will only fight I can do nothing else in my situation. This only makes me realize why the Internet is anonymous.
8191804 There's a >> button for a reason, dude. Just wanted to point that out as well.
Keep up the good work. I like what I see.
Continue. I like it so far.