• Member Since 29th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

DoctorDerpy


The show may have ended, but I'm going to keep on reading until the last writer stops writing!

T
Source

They say Fluttershy is one of the best animal carers around. And despite her demure personality, will go to great lengths to help anyone in need. These attributes are put to the test when she finds a damaged wolf in the Everfree Forest, it wants to lead her onward.

Fighting through her fear, she follows the wolf, to a clearing where something tragically beautiful awaits. Can Fluttershy help, or will the darkness be too much to handle?

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 11 )

Well this is different, lets see where it goes.

I like it and you use imagery well enough. There are some issues I noticed after skimming it that I would say need to be fixed ASAP.

Your grammar has a couple of glaring lapses, here's some examples:

The sun shined above, as
From the very first line, an unnecessary comma

looked down at it’s blue form.

You use apostrophes in 'its' wrong frequently

Also, I know it was a stylistic decision, but I hate the bolded CAPITAL LETTERS you often insert for dramatic effect. It breaks up the flow of your story in a bad way and distracts me as a reader, you should remove them I think. Overall, you don't have a bad story here, but if you want to improve then I'd spend more time proofreading before posting.

9109242
Thanks for the advice. I'll have detailed read through and see if I can fix up any grammar issues now that you've pointed them out. Also I was wondering weather or not I should keep the onomatopoeia, but this nails it on the head.

JackRipper
Moderator

That cover art alone made me add this to my 'tracking' list. I still haven't read the description yet.

9109282
Fingers crossed the story lives up to the cover art then! :twilightsheepish:

I think this is going to be a beautiful story, the imagery you've created make my heart flutter!

Interesting so far, needs as little editing still, but not too bad. The imagery isn't bad, just seems a little over the top in spots. Overall I like it, and I am curious about where this is going. :yay:

Wow what a nice opening chapter! There’s really not much more that I can say that hasn’t already been said, but I will have you know that I’m going to be keeping an eye out for the next chapter. Can’t wait to see where you’re going to take this. :twilightsmile:

Interesting! Not sure what's going on here, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Ahh update, yay! :yay: so this new world is temporarily connected through the everfree? That’s very interesting. :rainbowhuh: are the doe and the wolf a pair? That would make very interesting offspring. That aside, your writing style doesn’t cease to amaze me. There were a few errors I could see but this person is forever lazy and terrible at correcting mistakes. Overall I’d say you have a great chapter! My only regret is that there isn’t more! :yay:

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