• Member Since 18th May, 2017
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Piemaster128


A novice writer who one day plans to genetically modify himself to grow wings. Because wings are awesome and I hate gravity. (Avatar belongs to racer437 on Deviantart)


E
Source

Time moves on. Things change. In the midst of sorrow, Twilight learns one last friendship lesson, taught to her by the children of her best friends.



MLP Belongs to Hasbro and the cover art belongs to its creator (Not me, found it on google images because I couldn't find the original creator).

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

This is your FIRST story???!!! This is amazing for an EXPERIENCED author!! Going to my favourites instantly. good work, and I look forward to seeing more of your stories.

8174174
To be fair, I do have an amazing editor (slash girlfriend) who helps me polish it. Then again, it could just be that with so many good stories I have read it just seems like mine isn't as good. Glad to hear someone thinks differently.

Also, CONGRATULATIONS! Your are the first comment I have on this site. Heres a random pinkie as a reward :pinkiehappy:

Also, your avatar just makes this first comment even more epic. It looks like Twilight is mad that I'm underestimating my own story :twilightblush:

kathy #3 · May 19th · · ·

This is a very good one-shot.

Not a bad first story. It flows nicely and is written well, though I would break up the paragraph where you talk about the Mane 6's kids; it's a really big block of text.

If I may, I'd like to offer two points of criticism:
1) A minor thing, but this kind of story has already been done a lot (there were especially a lot right after Twi became an alicorn). That's not such a bad thing, but this doesn't really stand out from the pack very well. It's all right, it's just a little basic.
2) For all the buildup and time spent discussing the descendants, the ending comes too quickly. There's not really any dialogue or exchange of words that gives that nice emotional payoff. Don't be in such a hurry to bring things around to the end next time.

Still, it's a solid first story. Not bad, certainly. I hope you can run with it and write some more. :twilightsmile:

8175582
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I will keep that in mind for next time, though I think my next story will be a bit more unique simply in the premise I will be going for (though it will be quite a bit darker). Still, thanks you :ajsmug:

8175582
Also, I don't think i will be expanding on this story, at least in the immediate future. It was merely an idea I had about two years ago that I thought would be a good premise for a one shot story. I will say though that I do currently have three stories in the works, all with at least two chapters in them. I would post them now, but I need to edit them and I have graduation on Sunday, so I will be busy for a few days. Still, I hope you will give them a read when I get a chance to post them :moustache:

8175997 Oh wow, no kidding? :pinkiegasp: What kind of graduation? High school? College? Grad school? :pinkiehappy:

8176207
College. I plan to then take a gap year before going back for a PhD in clinical psychology, though I'm not sure where. It is exciting though :pinkiehappy: :rainbowkiss: :raritystarry:

8176216 Ooh, going all the way for a PhD, eh? Good luck with that, and congratulations!

Good for your first story! I'm really impressed :D

Login or register to comment