• Published 4th Jun 2017
  • 14,633 Views, 13,297 Comments

Ofolrodi - Imploding Colon



Rainbow Dash traverses the perils of the Dark Side of the world to reach the Midnight Armory.

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Cat Bird's the Word

THUD! Logan landed hard on his front hooves and plummeted flat on his chest. "Ooomf!"

"Guh!" Ariel, Kepler, and Flynn collapsed all at once—with the latter's horn positively shorting out from overspent energy. "Whew...!"

"Cheese and crackers, Big Show..." Ariel hissed, struggling to catch her breath. "...did you eat most of the Gondola since we left the edge?"

"Oh hush!" Logan stumbled to his thick hooves, brushing the dust and sediment off his body. "You didn't wuss out this bad when you took the sleds over!"

"Dude..." Flynn gnashed his teeth. "We carried the sleds over first so we could practice for you!"

Ariel fell onto her backside. Fwoomp! "Why don't we just have Big Show gallop all the way to the Midnight Armory?" She panted, sweating. "That at least would flatten this piece of Urohringr out!"

"Oh hush..." Big Show marched over to where Seraphimus was restrained. "Yakkity-yak all you want. You're gonna beg for my girth when you need it."

Ariel fought the urge to vomit. "There's one thing I didn't need to live to hear."

"I meant for stomping the hell out of our enemies!" Logan gnashed his teeth. "Goddess on a bike, mare, were you foaled in the gutter?"

"I'd take a sewer over this anyday..."

"Frriends... Do not despairr overr the occasional..." Kepler sat up with his glasses hanging crookedly off his sweaty muzzle. "...bout of extrreme exerrtion. Ha-Haaaaaaa..." He winced breathily, rubbing his left wing. "Hrrrrmf... if nothing else, such frrivolous strruggle builds charracterr! Makes us... mrmmmfff... strrongerr..."

"The only thing strong in me is the knot in my neck," Flynn droned. He waved a limp hoof. "Fellow Heraldites... we finished transporting our fat asses across the ravine." His horn fizzled out as he closed his one good eye with a smile. "Until Rainbow Dash needs me... I'm calling it a night."

Fwooooosh! Wildcard landed and hoisted Flynn briskly up to his hooves.

Flynn's muzzle locked into a pained expression. "Oh buck me sideways..."

"Lemme guess..." Ariel smiled at Wildcard. "Rainbow needs him."

Wildcard nodded. He lazily attempted a gesture or two with one talon, then hoisted Flynn—carrying the smaller Heraldite over to where the hatched entrance to Darkreach lay in wait.

"What did he say...?!" Flynn stammered, his mechanical eye whirring. "I wasn't looking!"

"Errrr..." Kepler craned his neck to shout after him: "Something to do with... rrelieving a widowed elephant, I do believe!"

"The buck—?!" Flynn's voice cracked, and he was yanked like a windsock down into the depths of Darkreach.

"Keps...?" Ariel blinked at the wyvern.

"Ach...!" Kepler tossed his claws. "I am a loss to keep trrack anymorre! We must get him an operrational left limb once again!"

"Heh..." Logan fished around the sled Seraphimus was on. "...guess Flynn's gonna be super useful for the time being. Bet he feels like a lucky bastard."

Seraphimus' charcoal eyes narrowed on Logan's motions. "What—pray tell—are you searching for?"

"Wise turkey," Logan slurred, still rummaging. "I'm checking to see if anything's missing."

"Why... ... ...?"

"So I'll know if you confiscated anything while my friends were carrying my fat keister across the canyon."

"Do you honestly believe I am in any position to steal from you?" the griffin droned. "You're more foolish than I thought."

"And you're more of a bitch than I thought. But who's counting? Certainly not Keps. Lucky bastard was born in a sanctuary without females."

"I heard that!" Ariel's voice cracked from afar.

Logan winked at Seraphimus. "She heard that. Not that it matters. Ariel's only Diet Female at best."

"I heard that too!"

Seraphimus grumbled. "The only reason I'd steal anything from your pathetic supplies would be to slit my own throat." She spat. "But—sadly—you don't hold anything that sharp or useful on this wagon."

"See... you're doing it wrong," Logan droned, standing up to check the other sled nearby. "We're in a land of darkness, chaos, and even grimmer-darkness. If you try being that much of an edgelord, you'll just come across as 'average.'"

"Your pathetic attempts at levity are misguided."

"Pffft! Buck you, lady! I'm trying to keep myself sane! We sorta need the bald unicorn, so I can't just kick Flynn's skull in for my own amusement." Logan smirked over his shoulder. "I guess pissing the Hell out of you on a regular basis will have to do."

"The only Show you're Big at is displaying your banal trivialities before an uncaring audience."

"Hah! Nice attempt! See... you'll become tolerable yet." Logan gestured, then turned to face her directly. "However..." He glared with sudden menace. "...you so much as fall back into Miss Murder McShitpants and make a threat to Rainbow Dash... and I promise you... 'suicide' won't be too far away. I'll give it to you gladly at the end of my axe."

Seraphimus raised an eyebrow. "Is that an invitation?"

"A challenge." Logan said. "To see if you wanna last long enough to meet an end you could be proud of... or die at the hooves of a 'pathetic attempt at levity.' Choice is yours..." Logan marched casually back to their supplies. "Soon... we're going to go downstairs for a stay at Camp Darkreach. I want you on your best behavior... or you won't have your best spine. Are we on the same page?"

Seraphimus merely snorted. She glared off past the edge of the mesa. "A book with such a page deserves burning."

"Cute. But you gotta work on your delivery."

"Infidel..."

"Mrmmmf... See what I mean?"

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