• Published 4th Jun 2017
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Ofolrodi - Imploding Colon



Rainbow Dash traverses the perils of the Dark Side of the world to reach the Midnight Armory.

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Things Are Looking "Up"

"The Hell are you drawing, Keps?" Logan belched.

"Shhhhh!" The wyvern sat hunched-over on the back of the sled Logan was pulling. "I am channeling inspirration..."

"From what? My farts?"

"Please, brrotherr!" Kepler rasped. He drew a pen across a rectangular piece of parchment. "I am attempting to constrruct a map of ourr trravels..."

"Pffft. What's that going to amount to at this point?!" Logan smirked as he marched firmly ahead. "Just drag a straight line across a blank canvas and spit all over it."

"Can we not afforrd a modicum of serriousness?! Should we find the need to backtrrack, we will wish to know wherre we'rre headed and wherre we came frrom!"

"How can you even draw in the dark?" Logan looked over his shoulder. "Do wyverns possess some sort of 'hair sense' that I don't know about?"

"It's ourr whiskerrs."

"Whoah. You dudes have whiskers?! I've never noticed!"

Flynn called out from Logan's left. "You've decided to frame it based on the north edge, right?"

"Stay out of this, baldy!"

Kepler looked over, adjusting his spectacles. "What was that, brrotherr?"

Flynn's mechanical eye glinted in the distance from the twilight. "I said—you decided to frame your map based on the northern edge of the plane, yes?"

"To what end, dearr frriend?!"

"I mean... we're heading west now! I hope you've got that sketched out!"

"The Hell do you mean, we're heading west?!" Logan belched.

"Do kindly explain!" Kepler hollered.

"I mean... first we were going East..."

"Yeah...?!" Logan squinted.

"But—now that we're on the opposite side of the plane from where we started—we're literally going west!"

"Pffft! Are not!" Logan spat.

"We totally are! Think about it!"

"I am!" Logan frowned. "And you're a cancerous asshole!"

"Dude! We never stopped going in one singular direction!"

"Uh... you do remember the big friggin' curve we experienced in the talons of a heroic dragon lady...?!"

"Still to the point! We're going in the same direction that we originally were! Just... from east to west across the same plane!"

"Goddes alive, what an idiot—"

"So I sure as Hell hope that Kepler is drawing a map with us moving from right to left!"

"He totally isn't!"

"How would you know, fatass?"

"If he's smart, he'll be drawing our path from left to right! Cuz that's where we're headed! East!"

"Pffft—Big Show—"

"Space East!"

"East died back at Bleak's Plummet!" Flynn exclaimed, trotting closer. "You gotta learn to think three-dimensionally!"

"Get back in line, dipshit—"

Flynn gestured with a free hoof. "We have the Light Side as a frame of reference. Knowing our distance relative to the length and width of Rohbredden and the Grand Choke we can get a general idea of how far we have to go to get to the Midnight Armory!"

"To what end?"

"Well, if what Rainbow Dash says is true, then it's position on the opposite side of Equestria, right? So if we see ourselves as retracing her path west—"

"That's stupid. You're stupid."

"Dude! We have lest distance to travel because the concave end of the plane has a smaller surface area and—"

"Stop overcompensating for the fact that you're a dumbass and we're still heading east."

"It's not east, bro!"

"It totally is! Look!" Logan looked over his shoulder. "You're drawing us going from left to right, aren't you, Kepler?"

"Actually..." The wyvern concentrated on where he was scribbling with his pen. "I am drafting a vertical map."

Flynn and Logan blinked simultaneously. "Vertical???"

"Indeed." Kepler smiled through his tusks. "And I am endeavorring to anticipate the many obstacles we have yet to face by allowing a generrous amount of blank space along the top porrtion of the map."

"Oh for crying out..." Logan rolled his eyes. "Is there something in the air here?! I swear, the whole Herald has gone stupid."

"A vertical map?!" Flynn grimaced. "Kepler, I love you like a brother, but—are you actually drawing from the bottom?"

"Indubitably."

"That has got to be the absolute most convoluted way to perform cartography! I mean... how are you going to account for latitudes in that sort of a fashion?!"

"In this case, they will be verrtical, of courrse."

"Ugh... I feel like I'm going to vomit."

"What's the big deal, baldy—?"

"You can't draw veritcal maps, Big Show! It's just... just... really gross!"

Just then, Wildcard let loose a shrill whistle in the distance.

"Harrk!" Kepler tilted his head up. A ruby light glinted off his glasses. "Movement!"

"Whoah!" Logan scuffled to a stop as Ariel and Rainbow Dash touched down. "There you gals are! What did you find?"

"Not much," Ariels aid. "Exceppppppt for a lone tower of rusted metal sitting out in the middle of nowhere."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah." Rainbow nodded. "About half a mile ahead of us. It... looks like it was left here by ponies with unicorn powers."

Flynn craned his neck. "What's that in your saddlebag?"

"Oh, this?" Rainbow opened the satchel to reveal the metal slab with etchings. "It's the only thing we discovered that was still in tact."

"What the Hell is it?" Logan asked, muzzle scrunching. "Looks too small to be a hot plate."

"Big Show..." Flynn sighed.

"What?! I'm hungry!"

"The girls and I have been chatting about it while Ariel and I flew back here," Rainbow said, sliding her goggles back. "We think it might be a map. But... it's not like any map we've ever seen. Just... can't make heads or tails out of it."

"Hmmmm..." Kepler scratched his hairy chin. "Perrhaps..." He reached his claws out, repositioned the slab, then held his unfinished map up next to it. "...if you arrrange it verrtically like so?"

Rainbow blinked. For the bottom sliver of the slab, the etchings perfectly matched the meager scratches that Kepler had already begun making on the parchment.

The wyvern smiled victoriously.

Ariel and Wildcard exchanged glances.

"Oh..." Logan blinked.

"Huh..." Flynn's ears drooped. "...well, screw me, I guess."

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