Ofolrodi

by Imploding Colon

Big Bad Show, Tonight

"Big Show?!?!" Ariel called out. Hovering with an unconscious Flynn in her grasp, she tilted her head up to gawk at the ridiculous stunt transpiring over a hundred meters above the group. The unmistakable glint of the stallion's axe kissed the air as he flailed precariously atop the writhing cranium of the massive beast. "What the Hell does he think he's doing?!"

"Preparing to become the Little Turd!" Rainbow's voice cracked. "That friggin' thing's going to eat him!"

"Now, dun give up faith yet, RD," Applejack said, pointing at the distant Heraldite's epic battle. "For all we know, maybe he just can take 'em!"

"Applejack..." Rainbow's glare could slice clouds. She gestured at the sprawling length of waving stalks worming its way towards the curved horizon. "I don't know if you've noticed, but this is a teensy bit bigger than the cattle stampedes you used to wrangle back home!"

"Yeah, well... he has an axe."

"Eugh..." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Dang it. We gotta save him."

Wildcard nodded. And—SWOOOOOOOOSH! The Desperado sailed like a black comet towards the lofty stallion's struggle.

"Wait—WILDCARD?!?!" Rainbow Dash gnashed her teeth. "Don't! Stop! What are you—?!" She shook in place. "Rrrrrrrgh!"

"Is everypony east of Equestria insane?!" Rarity stammered.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. "Boys will be boys."

Fluttershy looked over. "You don't see Kepler or Flynn acting so brashly."

Pinkie shrugged again. "Bird boys."

"Just what is he hoping to accomplish?!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed.

"I'm going after him!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flapping her wings hard.

Twilight Sparkle flung her a look of shock. "What are you hoping to accomplish?!"

"I dunno! Something awesome!"

"Rainbow, doing 'something awesome' here could kill you!"

"Then I'll settle for Diet Bodacious!" In mid-ascent, Rainbow threw a stern look back down at Ariel. "You! Carry Flynn back towards Alpha and rejoin Keps and Miss Grumpy Beak!"

"But—!" Ariel trembled.

"And—for the love of hash browns—try and get somepony to think up a way we can shake loose this oversized death caterpillar!"

Ariel bit her lip, holding Flynn closer. "Dang it... why can't 'epic' be a different four letter word?"

The unicorn in her grasp stirred. With a wincing expression, Flynn whimpered breathily: "Did I hear somepony s-say 'hash browns?'"

"Gnnnghhhh..." Ariel turned tail and flew towards Alpha—away from the thrashing creature. "Let's go, egghead. Before you crack."

"Mmmmmm..." Flynn mewled. "...I want bacon."

---

Meanwhile—

"YAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!" Eyes bulging... his body and muzzle stained with red juices... Logan dug his axe deep into the chitinous flesh of the wyrm and held on for dear life. "RRRRRRRRRRR-AAAAA-AAAAAUGH!!!" He paused in screaming only to spit. "What's the matter, shit snake?!? Woke up on the wrong side of the world's ass crack this morning?!?"

For the briefest of moments, the labored creature's thrashing paused, and Logan took the opportunity to dislodged his axe, swing it again, and pierce another layer of the monster's exoskeleton—eliciting a deep bass groan, accompanied by a spray of red juices.

"HAH! HAAAAAH! THAT'S RIGHT! Who's dinglberrying who now, MOTHERBUCKER?!" He dug his blade even deeper, hissing into the scarlet fountain. "Swallow me! Go ahead! SWALLOW ME! I'm gonna stick to your uvula for a thousand throat-scratching years, ya gluttonous string of ass splooge! FIGHT MEEEE!!!"

The creature's mandibles shook and wobbled on either side of the confrontation, blotting the starlight out from Logan's peripheral vision. All he could make out was a steady trickle of dirt, rubble, and debris—shaking loose from the multidunous barbs of the beast's long-scarred pedipalps. Just a deathly lunge ahead of Logan's miraculous perch, a softy gummy maw of vascular tissue rolled open and shut with each breath, revealing countless layers of barbed esophagul lining laced with bile. A dreadful heat emanated from the unfathomable core of the beast, making the hairs of Logan's mane curl.

"What?! WHAT?!? You think you've got what it takes to intimidate me?! I'M THE REIGNING GOD KING OF GARBAGE FARTS!!! Eat me and we'll melt straight through the earth and end up back in Rohbredden to make you Windigo food! So BRING IT!!!"

The beast groaned. Logan wasn't sure whether or not it was responding to him, but he didn't care. As the thrashing head evened out again, he raised his axe once more to take a savage slice out of the monster's oral cavity.

Swoooooosh! Wildcard flew up from behind and grabbed him. Clenching his beak, the Desperado kicked off the chitin of the monster and allowed the weight of Logan and the stallion's axe to pull them earthward. He spread his griffin wings to expertly control the descent.

"Hey?! HEY!!" Logan shook and writhed in the griffin's grasp. "What gives?! Dammit, Double-Yoo! Take me back! I had him up against the ropes, ya lousy Turkey-in-the-mud!"

Fwoooosh! Rainbow Dash flew up to join them. "Stupid melon fudge." She wriggled her hooves in, joining Wildcard in steadying the obese earth pony. Together, they drifted speedily towards the fractured landscape below. "If you wanna be heroic, wait until it's something you can actually cleave in half with your blade—not with a supernova!"

"I don't want to cleave it in half!" Logan kicked his hooves and bellowed into the sporadic starlight. "I want to grind it into dust and force its worm children to piss on it and make paste!"

"Dude!" Rainbow gawked at the stallion. "You know you're practically fighting a continent, right?!"

"Pffft! That's no continent!" Logan spat. "That's a pussified isthmus at best! And—anyways..." He gestured at the two winged companions. "I would have had the bastard beat if it weren't for you and Deus Ex Mockingbird here!"

"Wildcard..." Rainbow gave the Desperado a lethargic look. "Could you please punch Big Show in a place where it'll make him shut the buck up?!"

"HAH!" Logan grinned, covered in sweat and glory. "If you think smacking me in the nads will get me to calm down, I've been there before! You're gonna have to think of something—"

Wildcard punched Logan's gut with his metal fist. WHUMP!

"Httttt!" The fat stallion's eyes bulged. "M-my st-st-stomachhh—!"

Rainbow exhaled with relief. "Way to go, buddy." She scanned the landscape below for any specks of manalight that might indicate the location of the wagon. "Now, let's get on board the Hoverplank and fart ourselves Curveside—"

Wildcard let out a shrill whistle.

"What?" Rainbow looked at him. She saw lunging mandibles reflected off the griffin's goggles. "DROP!"

She and Wildcard dropped Logan immediately. The three of them fell as one, with Rainbow and Wildcard retracting their wings.

SNAPPPPP! Gigantic pinchers slammed together above them, producing thunder.

After the vaporous ripples of air had dissipated, Rainbow reoriented herself with the curved horizon of Alpha. "It doesn't get much closer than that!" She reached out for Logan's left legs. "Grab—!"

Wildcard reached for Logan's right legs.

"Sptttt..." Tearing up, Logan wheezed. "My axe—!"

Wildcard's lion's tail wrapped around the weapon in question. He and Rainbow clutched Logan's weight and—Swiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!—lifted up in time to avoid becoming paste againt the rubble-strewn earth. They flew speedily with their friend in tow.

All the while...

THUDDDDDDDDDD!

...the upper length of the beast cascaded behind them, crushing and pulverizing the stone earth as it awkwardly pursued the two with its wriggling girth.

Comments

[thatguyvex]

Logan, you're no Kenpachi Zaraki, so stop trying to be one. At least not until you get one or two more power upgrades.

"Then I'll settle for Diet Bodacious! " In mid-ascent, Rainbow threw a stern look back down at Ariel. "You! Carry Flynn back towards Alpha and rejoin Keps and Miss Grumpy Beak!"

How about Reduced-Calorie Radicalness? Low-Fat Coolness?

[Lamplighter]

"Hey?! HEY!! " Logan shook and writhed in the griffin's grasp. "What gives?! Dammit, Double-Yoo! Take me back! I had him up against the ropes, ya lousy Turkey-in-the-mud!"

pbs.twimg.com/media/Bkvr6VMIEAA4LCI.jpg

[Booster Spice]

You think Logan might have pissed Doomsday off?

[Phoenix Kitten]

"Applejack..." Rainbow's glare could slice clouds. She gestured at the sprawling length of waving stalks worming its way towards the curved horizon. "I don't know if you've noticed, but this is a teensy bit bigger than the cattle stampedes you used to wrangle back home!"

"Yeah, well... he has an axe."

Oh, he has an axe, that makes everything better.

"Just what is he hoping to accomplish?!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed.

"I'm going after him!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flapping her wings hard.

Twilight Sparkle flung her a look of shock. "What are you hoping to accomplish?!"

"I dunno! Something awesome!"

Twilight and Rainbow, Logic vs. Instinct.

"I don't want to cleave it in half!" Logan kicked his hooves and bellowed into the sporadic starlight. "I want to grind it into dust and force its worm children to piss on it and make paste!"

"Dude!" Rainbow gawked at the stallion. "You know you're practically fighting a continent, right?!"

When even Dash is telling you to take a chill pill, you're doing something wrong.

-Through the path long forgotten, into the darkness long begotten. Ofolrodi.

[Tim the Planes-pony]

...the upper length of the beast cascaded behind them, crushing and pulverizing the stone earth as it awkwardly pursued the two with its wriggling girth.

I wonder if it just wants a friend, it is making way too much effort to make a way too small meal out of them.

[IceKitsune]

Logan has got to calm down, I know he's badass but I don't think anyone in the Herald or Nobel Jury could take that thing. Heck I doubt they could do it combined. The one exception to this might be Dragon Form Axan. She might be able to do it.

[WanderingPony]

this oversized death caterpillar!

I am now seeing a horrid version of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" featuring this thing.

...but he was still hungry.

[Boersencrash]

"Swallow me! Go ahead! SWALLOW ME! I'm gonna stick to your uvula for a thousand throat-scratching years, ya gluttonous string of ass splooge! FIGHT MEEEE!!!"

Does Logan try to pull off an Agent K stunt here?

1.bp.blogspot.com/-rHM2A-y-xCU/UPj5OR9xNcI/AAAAAAAAPtc/KhsBe2zSsyo/s1600/tommy-lee-jones-as-agent-k-in-men-in-black.jpg

[Sir Mediocre]

8455467
Logan's good, but he's no Tommy Lee Jones.

[Merula]

If Dash and Wildcard hadn't snatched his fat ass up, I'm pretty sure he would have killed the thing eventually

[Nevlamas]

[arancaytar]

as it awkwardly pursued the two with its wriggling girth.

...

...

[Leftover of Saikano]

8455368
Like in Dead Leaves
camo.derpicdn.net/fd517490ae8b9c24b8f3dafcb4d1cbd812972814?url=http%3A%2F%2Fmaximumweeaboo.com%2Fotaking%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F04%2Fdeadleaves-caterpillar.jpg

[Hazard]

"Did we kill it?"
"No, we just made it angry."

[Lunar Rock]

I think I love Big Show just that much more now :D

[Revan]

Somebody have Flynn whip up a Lunar Crystal Rocket Launcher. I have a feeling we're gonna need it.

[General Lemarc]

All right. I dare this to get crazier.

"Now, dun give up faith yet, RD," Applejack said, pointing at the distant Heraldite's epic battle. "For all we know, maybe he just can take 'em!"

Not the definition of crazy I was looking for, but yes it can.

"Is everypony east of Equestria insane?!" Rarity stammered.

Yes.

[Cynderfall]

Hmm... Perhaps Sonic Rainbomb it?

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

Logan is on one in this chapter! 😂 He needed that hit in the gut so he could come to his senses.

[Tim the Planes-pony]

I am getting distinct 'Shadow of the Colossus' vibes here, though this creature dwarfs any of the colossi in that game. They need a magic sword to take it down for good, shame Rainbow left the Sword of Solstice on the light side
10/31/2017
16:04 UTC

[FOXTrot2]

8521895
It would have a sad ending. We've had enough sadness for the beginning.

[hypervelocity]

"Is everypony east of Equestria insane?! " Rarity stammered.

Probably?

Man, we gotta get away from this crazy ass thing.