1. Bad Seeds
Flim, Flam, and the Little Lost Apple Scam
Bad Seeds
An apple orchard approaching harvest was a thing of inestimable beauty, holding in it the potential for far more than simply an endless line of full apple baskets. It was the world of Equestria providing food and pleasure to all creatures under the sun. It brought family together, working shoulder to shoulder from before dawn until well after the moon had risen. It meant lines of friends thirsting for delicious cider, while other friends helped out with the process. Some of the lessons the orchard had taught Applejack had taken a long time to soak into her hard head, and she suspected that many others were still percolating down through the dense layers of her skull. The orchard had taught her both about loss, when loving parents are taken away long before their appointed time, and of the joy of seeing a baby sister look up into her eyes with an expression of pure love. It had given her many long lessons of patience while tending to the needs of the orchard until harvest time, when tree after tree would yield their fruit to her labor, and lessons of tolerance which the various fruit bats who lived quietly in their own corner of the farm could attest.
And most of all, it had taught her the lesson of never trusting a pair of scamming yellow unicorns, no matter what kind of hooey they were spouting today.
The two unicorns in question were presently walking down the long shaded lane leading to Sweet Apple Acres with a small cart being towed behind Flim or Flam, whichever of them had the drooping red mustache. Undoubtedly, there was something illegal or immoral inside, probably both, and Applejack moved out of the barn where she had been checking the empty basket inventory to cut them off before they got to the farmhouse.
Granny may have made friends with these two crooks last month, but they’re still crooks.
“What’re you two doin’ here?” barked Applejack as she set her hooves in the middle of the lane. “We don’t want none of what’er yer sellin’.”
As the two unicorns drew up to a halt with the small wagon behind them, Applejack found it a lot more difficult to keep her gruff exterior than she expected. Both of the brothers looked far more than tired, with a healthy layer of road dust in their coats and frazzled hairs in their normally well-combed manes. Had they been any other travelers on the road, she would have invited them into the house quicker than a rattlesnake’s tail and made sure they had a good meal, but with these two, she was fairly certain the family silver would be gone before they finished eating.
“Friend Applejack!” Flam fairly beamed at her with a smile that made his smarmy mustache perk up at the ends.
“How good to see you on this wonderful day,” said Flim, doffing his hat and kicking sideways at his brother’s shin.
“Pardon me, my good mare,” said Flam, taking off his hat and holding it to his chest. “It has been a long trip, and my manners escaped me for a moment.”
“Well, you can keep your manners and whatever else you’ve got in that wagon and just move on down the road,” snapped Applejack. It did not get the response she expected. Both of the slimy salesponies paused and gave each other sideways glances as if they were daring the other to go first.
“Beautiful mare,” started Flim, although he stopped cold after looking into Applejack’s narrowed eyes.
“Young mare,” began Flam, although he too stopped as Applejack turned to glare at him.
“Could we possibly talk to your grandmother?” they asked together. “Please?”
* ♥ *
Applejack did not relax her guard one iota and made the two uncomfortable stallions remain standing in the dusty lane in front of the house while she went inside and got Granny. The old mare was just as feisty as always, hobbling with her walker over to where the stallions had pulled their wagon under the nearby apple tree. It seemed odd, as they had to travel a fair distance away from the house to park, but the shade was welcome on the hot afternoon, as well as the pitcher of iced apple juice that Granny insisted she bring along.
“What kinda mischief you two scoundrels planning to drag an old mare into, huh? You want a cookie with that juice, youngster?”
Flim looked at the plate of cinnamon-apple cookies being passed to him and took one off the top of the stack. “Thank you, Granny Smith.”
“Indeed,” agreed Flam, who had his own glass and two cookies in addition. “I knew you would not be one to turn family away from your door, unlike your granddaughter.”
“Family?” Applejack snorted and waved a hoof. “You two is no more kin to us than that wagon!”
“I beg your pardon,” said Flim, holding a hoof across his chest. “That is no way to speak to your second cousins, once removed by marriage.”
“Other than my brother and myself, we have very little family of our own,” said Flam.
“Outside of prison,” muttered Applejack.
“But your great-great-grandmother Maltese Orange is our great-granny too,” continued Flam. “I knew we had some apple-related relatives, but it shocked us to our seeds when we looked up our family orange tree and found an Apple family relative or twelve.”
“Could we really be related to Pinkie Pie?” asked Flim, although after a firm glance from Flam, cleared his throat and continued, “I mean, my brother and I seem to have found ourselves in a pickle, so to speak, and we are in need of assistance.”
“The kind of loving help that only a family can provide,” said Flam.
“Ah ain’t helpin’ you with none of your schemes,” said Applejack with a fierce scowl. “Jes pack up yer wagon and haul it outta here afore Ah kick your worthless—”
“Applejack Jacqueline Apple! You be polite to these worthless scoundrels, or I’ll take a switch to your hide.” Granny Smith turned away from Applejack and regarded the brothers from narrowed eyes. “Now, what kinda help was it you two low-lives need, other than a place to hide out between schemes?”
The sounds of a small foal sniffling and a cry came from the wagon, and Flim reached inside it with his magic in order to float out a bundle of cloth. Inside the pink blanket, a tiny unicorn foal waved her little golden-brown hooves and blinked in the sunlight with an adorable squint that only showed a few tiny glimpses of the green eyes she was trying to cover. She opened her toothless mouth in a wide yawn and smacked her lips, as if awaiting the food she knew was going to be coming soon. Or else.
“Your cousin’s name is Apple Sprout,” said Flim, holding the unicorn foal up to his chest. “And she’s my daughter.”
Note: The comic with Flim and Flam is quite good. They make a wonderful foil to any plot.
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First comment reserved for the author.
Welcome to eleven chapters of country goodness, with a couple of scheming unicorns, one adorable foal, and the inestimable Applejack. I'll be posting one chapter a day, starting June 1 in honor of our own Mistress Mare-Velous, Wonder Woman and her solo movie. This is a little lower-key than some of my previous stories, so don't be looking for Michael Bay explosions or heart-ripping, but instead just enjoy the show and *try* to figure out just who is lying about what, when.
You may be pleasantly surprised.
By the way, this fic was inspired at least in part by Bookplayer's A Flim Flam Family Affair and Noble Thought's Coming Home. Well worth the read.
Best line ever.
Also, regarding the contents of that little wagon...
Looks like it's time to pull out the popcorn.
Oh, you know it's good dialogue when you can actually hear the voices of those vaudeville-sideshow scam artists. Good, practical Applejack voice too.
Looking forward to reading future chapters!
Well now. A maze of deception, duplicity, and apple trees awaits. It should be quite fun to navigate.
Also, I adore the juxtaposition of Granny's hospitality and her low opinion of her guests.
Ah, so my favorite two con artists are up to no good again? Then I will be there too. I will await the next chapter eagerly.
Oh my god they stole a foal.
Even with that I'm still somewhat betting on my first guess.
I can't help but hate them still.
Well, I think they're telling the truth. Only problem is, I have no idea how dilute the truth they're telling is, or how watered-down it is with horseapples and chutzpah. So good job, I think?
Also, has "Viva Las Pegasus" happened in this 'verse?
And yes, Granny Smith's hospitality is far from basic. It's downright acidic, really, and it's amazing.
Oh yeah I remember the friends forever comic that's pretty cool
Well this is a very interesting start it looks like flim-and-flam are asking Granny Smith for how about something and Applejack is not too thrilled about this whole situation especially they made a discovery and it looks like flim got a kid well then this should be very interesting