Three things come to mind when I see a Human in Equestria story:
What the human knows about Equestria,
Whether or not they stay human,
And the initial reaction they get from the ponies of Equestria.
I knew about Equestria, but I lost my body before I got there, so I'm neither human nor pony.
As for my arrival, I pissed off Celestia, got blasted by magic, had a bit of a mental breakdown, and was blown apart. All in less than 5 minutes. You'd think after all that, my life couldn't get any worse, right?
From what I've seen, the Elements of Harmony are powered by the connections between the people wielding them. I say 'people', because friendship doesn't give a damn what species you are.
Now for a theory:
If friendship is magic, does that mean emotion is power?
If something is given enough emotion, can it come to life?
If so, then just what can a story do? What could enough stories do?
Alright, you asked me to write a review of this story. Pretty much the whole thing can be summed up in one sentence.
This story makes no sense.
I'm not even kidding. I can't tell what in the hay is going on in most of the chapters of this story. The first several involve something with an alicorn named Harmonious, first dying? (turning into a plush toy?) Then being alive again and doing something with the statue of discord, and then something happens to three ponies named Fin Hal and Tom, who go to see Harmonious after having a nightmare, merge with him (painfully) and are then leeched off of by an ethereal, parasitic human being who is zapped into Hal's mind. and then spends the next several chapters engaging in Gollum-talk with Hal, as well as engaging in some misplaced slapstick and childish pranks and insults.
And yet at this point, I'm really not sure how most of these events connect with each other. The first chapter is especially hard to follow, and everything after that is choppy, split up without any decent bridging, and is all ultimately difficult to comprehend. THe last several chapters were by far the easiest to understand, and I still don't know why, how, where, when, or what is happening. I don't know who these characters are, save for Celestia and Luna, and I only know who they are because they're in the show. These fan characters have very little defining characteristics and to be frank, with the exception of Hal being a Zegasus (really?) and Harmonious being an Alicorn, I don't even know what the other characters look like or what species of pony they are, let alone their personalities, motivations, relationships, etc. How do these characters know the princess? Who are they? Why are they here? What does any of this have to do with humans, Discord, or, well... anything?
Just... to be completely frank, I, the reader, don't know what's going on.
I barely grasp what the events unfolding before me are there's so little description, atmosphere, or decent progression.
I don't know anything about the characters beyond their names, the fact that at least two seem like overpowered mary sues, and that one is an alicorn and the other a 'zegasus.'
The chapter at the beginning did little to help me figure out when or what order things are happening in, and simply stating this is 1500 years before NMM's banishment does little to help. Nor does the rather intrusive colored narration. Something about transporting himself 2500 years into the past? But... the time setting at the beginning doesn't change...
I don't know why things are happening. I don't know how things are happening...
I just don't know what's going on!
You got me on one thing. This is definitely the most 'unique' Human in Equestria story I've ever seen. But the thought process behind it is obviously so unique that there's no way I can even comprehend it.
And to top everything off, there are spelling and grammar problems everywhere, and the colored text is incredibly distracting.
I suppose the worst part is that I honestly don't know what suggestions to give to make it better. I kinda feel like I've failed in that regard, but if I don't know what's happening, I'm not sure exactly how I can help fix it.
I guess the only real suggestion I can give is start from the beginning, go back, and take the time to put in more explanation not just about what characters are saying or doing, but about the world around them, where they are, and how things work. It's okay if you don't hit the ground running and make your story into an action packed thrill ride. Take time and move slowly. Try to develop scenes and make them legible and comprehensible, making sure each chapter logically progresses from the last. And don't be scared to stop for a while and give a little exposition. Not in the form of odd narration that doesn't make any sense anyway at the beginning or end of the chapters, but weaved into the story itself.
I think I can see some big ideas here, but right now it's nothing but a mishmash of illegibility. My best suggestion is to go back and try again, and maybe get a co-writer if you can. Somebody to read over your shoulder and spot you and make sure everything comes out nice and clean.
Anyway... that's what I have to say. Good luck.
To sum up this story, here's one word:
AWESOMELICIOUS
If this gets cancelled....
374090
Am I reading that right? Or did my eyes break and I'm seeing things?
Anyway, I'm thrilled to see another person taking intrest in this insanity.
I most definitely will NOT be cancelling this, so no worries.
It feels interesting. That being said, a lot of it went over my head.