Life's Annoying Paradox: Perception is Reality

by CDR

Ch.7 Pies, Death Threats, and Pranks. Oh my!

Entry #7
-Date of entry; January 14th, 2012
-Date of event(s); 1,500-ish years before Nightmare Moon's banishment

The Royal Sisters gaped at the spectacle before them. They had both seen what Hal was capable of before -- they had even seen him destroy his own room on a few occasions -- but what they saw before them was far beyond the norm for this inherently violent pony.

The entire room looked like the inside of some giant black pearl. The walls, floor, and ceiling were charred and melted together. Streaks of hardier materials could be seen here and there where they had fused with the stone, but even those were slowly turning black. Swirling about the room were the two orbs of pure energy. Occasionally, they would break off of their circling to crash into one another, streamers of fire mushrooming outward as lighting arced off like the branches of a tree.

The two royal sisters stood there for a few moments, trying to comprehend just what was going on. Slowly Celestia regained her composure, rubbed her head with a hoof, and grumbled.

"First the griffins, then the parasite, and now Hal. I dare not contemplate what comes next."

Turning to the right, the older sister looked at the younger. Finding a devious grin on the night-blue alicorn’s face, she spoke.

"Luna....."

"Worry not; we have an idea," the younger said before teleporting away.

"That's what I was afraid of," the older said to the empty patch of floor that had once contained Luna.

Turning back, Celestia stared at the maelstrom before her once more. Just what has gotten you so enraged this time, Hailfire? she pondered as she waited for her younger sister to return.

To pass the time, the older sister examined the containment spell she had cast on the room long before. The spell was the only thing keeping the storm from bursting out into the hallway.

---

After several minutes, Celestia heard the soft beat of large wings approaching; Luna was returning.

"Enjoying the show, Tia?” the moon princess asked as she landed next to her sister.

"Not as much as I could if it wasn't so threatening to other ponies," replied Celestia.

"Well, we shall make it less threatening and more entertaining then."

The older raised an eyebrow before noticing the pies floating in the younger's magical grasp.

"Magma-Cream and Frost-Berry, I assume?” the sun princess said.

"Hailfire's favorites, as usual,” Luna replied with a grin.

A faint smile appeared on Celestia's face. They had used this tactic to pacify Hal on previous occasions.

Taking half of the pies with her magic, Celestia took three steps backwards. Luna followed suit and took aim.

"Three... Two... One... Fire!" both alicorns shouted in unison as they launched the pies into the room.

The door slammed shut as soon as the last pie flew through. The sisters listened for the cacophony of sounds that they knew would follow.

The attention of the two whirling masses of energy had been shifted when they both heard fire shouted from the doorway. They had little time as to wonder who had done so as they tried to dodge the incoming baked goods. As the airborne pies sailed through the room, they quickly became superheated by the forces within and exploded haphazardly. The two orbs of energy were quickly covered in pie bits.

"THE HELL IS THIS?! IT’S PIE! PIE? Tastes like my favorite kind too! I hate pie! Suck it up and deal with it, pie is awesome!"

No longer focused on assailing each other, the burning fire and arcing static slowly drifted near each other once more. Hailfire rematerialized between the two, oblivious to what he had done to his room. He began to lick the remnants of the pie from his right hoof as he tried to wipe his left hoof clean on the floor.

Assuming the pony within had calmed down enough, the two alicorns just outside chose then to enter. Minding their feet, they made their way over to Hal, who was still busy removing the pie from his front hooves. Luna giggled at the sight of him. This pony could be violent, but the princess thought that he could sometimes manage to look exceedingly silly.

"Just what's so funny, punk? She's not a punk, she's Luna. Like I care, she threw friggin’ pies at us. Us? Well no duh, there isn't just one person in here anymore now is there? Pony, more than one pony you mean. I told you before, I'M NOT A PONY! Well you're in my body so right now you are a pony. Screw you. Would corkscrewing into the ground at the speed of light count? You're suicidal now too? Want to find out? You know what, sure I would, the faster I can be rid of you the better. Remember though,” the zegasus warned himself, “you asked for this."

The zegasus turned towards a patch of blackened wall where he remembered there had once been a window. Hal was about to bolt forward through the melted stone when Celestia's voice thundered out.

"Hailfire Shock! Freeze!"

Drained of all other thoughts by the power in her voice, Hailfire did just that: he froze. A thin layer of translucent ice sprang forth from every part of his body -- wings, mane, and tail alike. Luna burst out laughing and started rolling around on the floor, oblivious to the pie-covered mess she was quickly becoming.

Sighing, Celestia moved beside her frozen friend. Channeling the heat of the sun into her horn, she touched it to his forehead. The spark of warmth traveled through him, melting the ice as it flowed along his spine.

Hal trembled slightly from the other mind’s rage before the other voice within him spoke.

"Okay, I'm going to say the next part in a way that you can all understand me, because there isn't much reason to insult you if you don't understand the insults."

As he said this, Luna stopped laughing and stood up again. She and her sister shared a confused glance at each other before returning their attention to Hal.

"JUST WHAT THE BUCK IS YOUR BUCKING PROBLEM, YOU CRAZED MARES?!" the voice thundered from Hal. "I mean seriously, what the hell is -"

Hal's mouth snapped shut. The left side of his face looked confused as to why it could no longer speak. His right eye was closed and again he trembled slightly. This time as he spoke, it was Hal's voice the sisters heard.

"DON'T YOU EVER INSULT MY FRIENDS LIKE THAT AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME? I don't care what your problem is, you sorry excuse for a body-jacking freeloader. Have some damn respect for those who deserve it. Oh, and if you need a reason not to do so again numbnuts, I triple Diamond Dog Dare you to try and insult them again, and then I will show what pain feels like. I will repeat every painful action I have ever attempted, and trust me on this one, there's a long bloody bucking list of things I've done that hurt like hell."

The left side of Hal's face, Celestia, and Luna were stunned. Luna voiced her surprise first.

"Hal, we've never heard you speak like that before," she said as the stallion’s right eye snapped directly to her.

“Of course you haven't. What reason have I to do so until now? I might not be the nicest of ponies, but at least I know when to show some respect."

Hal bowed. Or, at least, he tried to. Mid-way down, the stallion lost his balance and fell over. The next thing he realized was that the other voice was laughing. Rolling around and laughing, after all that, what the hell is this thing's problem? he thought.

"What the buck is so funny?" he asked himself.

The stallion continued to roll around and laugh for a little bit longer, before getting back up.

Wiping a tear from his left eye, the other voice answered, “You are, Hal. Heh heh heh. You finally ponied up and grew a pair, so to speak. At least now I'll have something to kick later if need be. HA! But in all seriousness, I can respect your opinion on the matter. Now...”

The voice trailed off as it looked at the two alicorns.

"What?" he asked, noticing their confusion.

"Would you question that kind of conviction?" Hal's left hoof pointed shortly at each mare, then back at the right side of his face.

The sisters shook their heads. They would not.

"Now your highnesses...” Hal bowed and swung his left hoof in front of himself. "... just what the heck did you two want?"

Hal prepared to punch the left side of his face again before Celestia spoke up.

"No Hal, you and the parasite have argued long enough." The royal sister said the word with more than a modicum of steel in her voice.

"I'm a human da...,” he paused, before continuing, “..rn it all. I told you as much before; I am not a parasite. Now... pfft, ahahahahahahaha!"

Again the human mind within Hal caused him to laugh.

"By the sun, not again," Celestia groaned.

"What, pray tell, is so funny now, human?” asked Luna quizzically.

"You are Luna, heheheh, I guess you haven't noticed it yet, buwhahahha, but you're covered in pie. I thought I told you to show them some respect? I can't help it, it’s just so funny."

At this, Luna turned around to examine herself, Celestia looked over as well. She was indeed covered in small sticky chunks of pie. She giggled.

"Yes, we do suppose we look rather silly. Perhaps we ought to go bathe, then.” Before anything else could be said or done, the sound of wings flapping had filled the room.

The sisters looked back to find Hal hovering in the air, though something was off; the slight movements he made did not match up with the strength of his wingbeats. After a moment of thought, they realized that Hal was manipulating the air within the room.

"Now what are you doing, Hailfire?" asked Celestia.

"I'm not sure Celestia, I'm just as curious to find out what he thinks he's trying to accomplish."

The human half of Hal’s mind wanted to reply, but Luna spoke up first.

"Just what are you doing with our friend, human?"

While the right side of Hal's face held a smoldering scowl, the left side cracked a sly grin at Luna's question.

"I'm trying to accomplish two things at the moment. The first is to freeze a window till it shatters..." as if on cue, a window did just that, "...and now that that’s done, I can get a decent sized cloud going. And just what do you need a cloud for? Wouldn't you like to know? Just answer me! You'll see in a moment."

Hal gazed around the room, searching for the cloud in question. It didn't take long for him to find it; the watery mass was hovering just above Luna.

"Just what do you think you're gonna do with that?" Hal growled.

"What do you think?" the human retorted, doing his best not to laugh.

Realizing what the other mind within his head had in store, Hal found that he could hardly resist the idea himself.

"You wouldn't dare," Hal warned.

"I don't think I would be able to at all if you didn't at least partially want to as well."

Hal seethed with anger, How dare he presume as much! Some small part of his mind agreed however, It would be nice to get back at her for all the pranks she's pulled on me.

Celestia had already figured out what the human was planning. After a few moments thought, she figured it would be funny. She also knew too well what her sister was capable of, so she probably deserved it too. Suppressing a giggle, she moved a few steps away while Luna’s attention was preoccupied with Hal.

Still not comprehending what was about to happen, Luna asked, "Hal, just what does he have planned?"

The battle within Hal's mind over whether to be respectful and stop the human mind sharing his body, or to just say ‘screw it’ and finally get back at Luna tipped in the latter's favor at the sound of her voice. The right side of his face curled into the same sly grin that adorned the left side.

Unsettled by the look on his face, Luna pursued with more force, "Hal, just what is he planning?!"

"Oohhh, just your aforementioned bath,” this time, both voices within Hal had replied.

Throughout the entire conversation, the human's cloud had been growing. As it reached sufficient size, Hal alighted on the floor once more. Giving his left hoof a flick, it crackled with static once again. With a flick from his right hoof, the charge arced into the cloud, jarring it.

Eyes following the charge through the air, Luna looked up in time to watch as the cloud opened up and poured down on her flank. As the water contacted her coat, she gasped in surprise. Instead of cold water like she had expected, hot water had drenched her form.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Celestia relaxed. While she was willing to allow the event to unfold before her, she had been ready to defend her sister if the human's intentions had turned out to be darker than they initially appeared.

After a few seconds of watching Luna getting rained upon, Hal’s body shook with laughter, both minds agreeing that the sight was hilarious.

Not one to be outdone however, Luna quickly thought up a counter, one that would use the human's own prank against him.

"Hal, Human, if you would please, I think you've laughed enough," the soaked alicorn said.

"Heh, I guess we've laughed enough, right Hal? Whatever ya say, crazy."

Approaching her friend, the dripping royal sister asked in a sultry voice, "Now, just what should we do with you, two?"

"Wait, what?" both minds replied as they looked upon Luna again.

POMF! Hal's wings sprang wide as the moon princess stepped slowly towards him.

Hal was simply awestruck. Nopony had ever looked at him like that; he knew not how to react. The human was mentally scrambling to get Hal to move. Though Luna's sudden change in manner had nearly stunned him as well, some small inner voice was yelling at him.

Whoooaaa, Luna looks- NO! Now is not the time for that. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! thought the other -- human -- half of Hal's mind.

By now Luna was face to face with her friend, enjoying every moment of his obvious internal torment.

Leaning in close to Hal’s left ear, she spoke, sounding as enticing as possible. “While we appreciate the gesture, human, it can not go unpunished.”

Only then did the human mind notice that Luna's horn was glowing. Hal's left eye spun about erratically; the mind controlling it was searching frantically for the 'punishment' she had promised. He found it, too late. As his gaze flicked upward, he caught sight of the raincloud he had made. Only now, it was a thunderhead, and it was floating directly over him.

He decided in that moment to not allow Luna full gratification of revenge. Trying his best to make a 'facepalm' face, he looked over at her and stuck out Hal's tongue. That strip of moist flesh soon became an impromptu lightning rod as Luna nudged the cloud's electrical energy with her magic.

While Hal was used to getting shocked, frozen, burnt, and any number of other things, the human had never experienced such a sensation; a jolt from static electricity was probably the most similar experience he had felt. Had he been able to speak, he might have said that it felt like thousands of pins and needles were trying to burst forth from his body. Hal's half of his mind was jolted to its senses as the human's half passed out from the shock.

Still a bit disoriented, Hal slipped into his Zebrian accent.

“If you were trying to ssstun him, zen you’ve suctheeded.”

The zegasus’ tongue flopped limply in his mouth as he continued speaking.

“I don’ theel impeded. Jus’ remember who’th to blame; though I played that twrick twoo. And I’m thure he’ll thoon come to.”

Shaking his head a few times, he tried again, "When he duss I will ssstop ‘im. I won’t leth ‘im win."

His frustration rising, Hal stomped his hooves repeatedly.

“Screw it, I don’t give a bit!” he all but yelled before biting down on his own tongue.

Hal winced only slightly as he punctured the strip of muscle. A few drops of blood slid down his face. Wiping the crimson liquid away with a forehoof, he hoped that his voice would finally return to normal.

[strike]“Now thats settled, what’s next?” asked the thoroughly annoyed looking zegasis.[/strike]

*.....*.....*.....*.....*.....

“You really wanna go there, Malevolence?”

“Art thou already there-ith, Marcus?”

“I’m just gonna ignore you, then. My apologies, dear readers, for this break in the story.”

“We don’t actually care, we wanted to do this.”

“Speak for yourself Mal. I wanted this whole thing to be done professional style.”

“Good luck there, we both know we suck at writing.”

“You’re lucky this is the same kind of journal that that Nox Drachen guy used.”

“We bought it together, remember?”

“I have the feeling that you were being you at that time.”

“And just how would that affect our decisions?”

“Since when did it become habit for someone to remind their own insanity, that it is just that?”

“Since we tried to become a pony.”

“I sooooo don’t need this right now.”

“Why don’t we stop then? Or will we admit that we actually planned this?”

“Since Mal here decided to take up space I would have filled with descriptions and dialogue moving the story to Tom’s room, I’ll just start there in the next chapter.”

“We’re getting lazy now too? Oh wait. We’ve always been lazy.”

“Six other chapters beg to differ with you.”

.....*.....*.....*.....*.....*

Comments

[Dusty the Royal Janitor]

Alright, you asked me to write a review of this story. Pretty much the whole thing can be summed up in one sentence.

This story makes no sense.

I'm not even kidding. I can't tell what in the hay is going on in most of the chapters of this story. The first several involve something with an alicorn named Harmonious, first dying? (turning into a plush toy?) Then being alive again and doing something with the statue of discord, and then something happens to three ponies named Fin Hal and Tom, who go to see Harmonious after having a nightmare, merge with him (painfully) and are then leeched off of by an ethereal, parasitic human being who is zapped into Hal's mind. and then spends the next several chapters engaging in Gollum-talk with Hal, as well as engaging in some misplaced slapstick and childish pranks and insults.

And yet at this point, I'm really not sure how most of these events connect with each other. The first chapter is especially hard to follow, and everything after that is choppy, split up without any decent bridging, and is all ultimately difficult to comprehend. THe last several chapters were by far the easiest to understand, and I still don't know why, how, where, when, or what is happening. I don't know who these characters are, save for Celestia and Luna, and I only know who they are because they're in the show. These fan characters have very little defining characteristics and to be frank, with the exception of Hal being a Zegasus (really?) and Harmonious being an Alicorn, I don't even know what the other characters look like or what species of pony they are, let alone their personalities, motivations, relationships, etc. How do these characters know the princess? Who are they? Why are they here? What does any of this have to do with humans, Discord, or, well... anything?

Just... to be completely frank, I, the reader, don't know what's going on.

I barely grasp what the events unfolding before me are there's so little description, atmosphere, or decent progression.

I don't know anything about the characters beyond their names, the fact that at least two seem like overpowered mary sues, and that one is an alicorn and the other a 'zegasus.'

The chapter at the beginning did little to help me figure out when or what order things are happening in, and simply stating this is 1500 years before NMM's banishment does little to help. Nor does the rather intrusive colored narration. Something about transporting himself 2500 years into the past? But... the time setting at the beginning doesn't change...

I don't know why things are happening. I don't know how things are happening...

I just don't know what's going on!

You got me on one thing. This is definitely the most 'unique' Human in Equestria story I've ever seen. But the thought process behind it is obviously so unique that there's no way I can even comprehend it.

And to top everything off, there are spelling and grammar problems everywhere, and the colored text is incredibly distracting.

I suppose the worst part is that I honestly don't know what suggestions to give to make it better. I kinda feel like I've failed in that regard, but if I don't know what's happening, I'm not sure exactly how I can help fix it.

I guess the only real suggestion I can give is start from the beginning, go back, and take the time to put in more explanation not just about what characters are saying or doing, but about the world around them, where they are, and how things work. It's okay if you don't hit the ground running and make your story into an action packed thrill ride. Take time and move slowly. Try to develop scenes and make them legible and comprehensible, making sure each chapter logically progresses from the last. And don't be scared to stop for a while and give a little exposition. Not in the form of odd narration that doesn't make any sense anyway at the beginning or end of the chapters, but weaved into the story itself.

I think I can see some big ideas here, but right now it's nothing but a mishmash of illegibility. My best suggestion is to go back and try again, and maybe get a co-writer if you can. Somebody to read over your shoulder and spot you and make sure everything comes out nice and clean.

Anyway... that's what I have to say. Good luck.

[Princess Snufflebuns]

To sum up this story, here's one word:

AWESOMELICIOUS

If this gets cancelled....

[CDR]

374090
Am I reading that right? Or did my eyes break and I'm seeing things?
Anyway, I'm thrilled to see another person taking intrest in this insanity.
I most definitely will NOT be cancelling this, so no worries.