An Audience With Screaming Lord Sutch
The oddities of the Everfree Forest and Hogwash’s Arcane Academy joined forces in the form of an escaped magical creature made in an accident involving genetic experiments and alchemical materials. Call a Raptorian, with a doglike head and a birdlike body it could also manipulate glass, not in the simple way of glassblowing of North Sentry, Flash’s father, and his profession, but able use it in all kinds of ways, even eat the stuff and not be harmed by it.
A former professor of the school, a Unicorn by the name of Limp Newt, came to try and wrangle it, problem being true to his name his right foreleg made him limp.
This coincided with Spike suddenly needing to go to the Dragon Lands. The upshot being he finally entered the growth phase for a dragon. Resulting in him gaining wings. He returned looking a lot thinner and as tall as a pony, he could look Twilight at eye level.
Newt’s magical equipment he brought in his suitcase started going off and so did both the Raptorian, calling himself Schrock, and sudden growth spurts from Spike.
Apparently, Dragons need magic to hatch eggs. Dragon Fire has a small trace of inherent magic within it, hence how Spike can send a receive messages via his fire. But Twilight’s magic, already powerful, and, at the time, uncontrollable when she hatched Spike for her entrance exam, it caused an unusual reaction in Spike’s development, just like in the entrance it meant Spike would develop, virtually all at once, and quickly.
In the matter of a day or so Spike went from being a below average height teenage Dragon to becoming a full-sized adult Dragon, without going into a greed fuelled monster rampage.
Thanks to his tough scales and long prehensile tail he managed to capture Schrock and Newt trapped the Raptorian in his suitcase.
So now Ponyville needed to get used to having a fully grown, but familiar and still friendly Spike. Thankfully enough the Castle doors were wide enough for Spike to get into and out. Even his bedroom changed to accommodate his new form.
Professor Newt theorised since the Castle is tied to the Tree of Harmony it wished to cut out as much trouble as possible to maintain harmony.
Still Ponyville having become accustom to oddities in the last couple of years quickly accepted the new Spike.
Now, Prince Blueblood, who among his many patronages included the arts and entertainments, after seeing Sutch’s Hearth’s Warming showing at the Ponyville Theatre managed to book him for a show in Canterlot’s Lyceum West Theatre, and after pulling a few strings he managed to make it An Audience With, a rare performance before celebrities from all over Equestria, nobles, entertainer and national heroes all invited, as well as good friends of the host himself.
The guest list included the royal family, all of them. The Grand Duke of the Griffish Isles, the Duke and Duchess of Maretonia, the Prince and Princess of Saddle Arabia. Fancy Pants and Fleur Dis Lee, Sapphire Saddles, Coloratura and many more famous names in Equestria.
The weather for the evening’s performance went from sunshine to rain.
In his dressing room Sutch adjusted the buttons on his tailcoat and sighed, then gulped. ‘Hope the weather’s not an omen or something.’
A knock came from the door, “It’s open, can’t shut the dang thing.”
It opened and Applejack walked in “How are you holding up Sutch?”
“Nervous, but every-pony was so kind, they couldn’t do enough, for me, so they didn’t bother.”
Applejack chuckled “You’ll be alright, even offstage you’re a riot.”
“Let’s hope I don’t cause one.” He glanced at his mirror with the lights around it “I’m really hitting the big time, ain’t I.”
“Yeah, just don’t let it go to your head.”
“If it did I might burst.”
A stage-hoof appeared at the door “Fifteen minutes Mr Sutch.”
“Thanks.”, Applejack nodded “I’d better stake my seat with the girls. Good luck Sutch.”
“Thanks AJ.” His hoof ran through his mane.
Applejack climb up to her place below Twilight and the Royal Family and the nobles, beside her many of the celebrities. She looked at the stage. Sutch’s cutie mark all over the setup, black, yellow and white colours in a theme of an old fashion theatre.
The speakers came on and an announcer spoke “Ladies and Gentle-colts, please welcome for the first time on Canterlot stage, Screaming Lord Sutch!”
The band started playing his theme music. And the audience erupted into cheers.
The curtains opened, revealing a wicker basket with a drum next to it.
Sutch walked on stage, he started to speak into the microphone, but the band and the audience continued, he reared up and waved his forelegs about before shouting “CHUCK IT!”
Every-pony stopped.
Sutch then tip his hat to several audience members in the audience “Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Your Highnesses, Your Graces,” he then turned to a random stallion in the front row “My Lord Mayor.”, he turned to a mare on the opposite side of the stage “Lady Mayoress.”
A few laughed.
Sutch continued “Alder-pony Tickle, Gladys from the chip shop.”, more laughs, “Manager of the Municipal Waste Disposal…” he sniffed and turned “Mind you.”
He readdressed the audience in full “First Fillies and Gentle-colts, let me just say how honoured I am to be he tonight at An Audience With LWT. LWT, a Long Wait for a Titter.”, a loud laugh filled the room.
“I watched you coming in you know. I peeped through the curtain, seeing you staggering in along the South Bank, and I thought to myself ‘What a challenge!’,” more laughs and Sutch continued “I’ve seen happier looking Bloodhounds. You know, I think it would be good idea if all the ugly ones came down and sat near the front.” He paused and looked about the front rows “You have good.” A good number, including on the front row burst out laughing and few clapped.
“As a special concession, all those with big ears were allowed in at half-price.” He looked at a random stallion and smiled “Congratulations sir.” He addressed the entire audience again “You know I’ve been looking forward to this all day today. That must give you an idea of the sort of life I live.”, a few titters, “Five O’clock this morning in Buckminster I flung the bedroom windows open, climbed in,”, a few louder laughs.
“You know every-pony, this theatre’s all being computerised, yes, we’ve all gone technological,” he went crossed eyed, which got a few chuckles, “Yes, all your statistics and personal details are noted in this computer, when you came in, I’ll just get the read out,” he walked over the end of the stage and brought back a clip broad “When you came in this evening you walked through a security screen,” he looked to a mare “oh yes, you passed through the screen? Did you feel a tingle Mrs?”, a number chuckled, “It should have gone right to your corsets.”, more laughs, “You did? Well come and see me after the show, I’ll make sure you’re properly earthed.” Almost every-pony laughed, Applejack among the loudest.
Sutch looked at the clip board “Here are all the statistics of our audience here at LWT. Somewhere in the audience we have seven bricklayers, six carpet fitters, two taxi drivers and a double-glazing sales-pony,” he pointed at a stallion in the far corner “They he over there talking to himself.”
Every-pony burst out laugh and clapped.
“Now, every-pony are wearing badges with barcodes, those little patterns you see stuck on packets of frozen sprouts.” He paused and looked at a mare in the front row, and sniffed “Yes,” the audience laughed and Sutch smiled embarrassed “I’m sorry looked at you their Fleur.”, another burst of laughter.
“Now, what,” Sutch laughed himself and looked about “what does you barcode tell me about,” he pointed to a random stallion “You sir.” He looked at the clip board “It tells me you take a size ten in hats, you have a bunion on you left back hoof and Cocker Spaniel called Eric.”, the stallion himself laughed “Your hobbies include writing rude words on steamed up windows and taking your horse-shoes off in crowded lifts. It was your birthday last week and your friends clubbed together and bought you an old-fashioned bed warmer, a sixty-eight-year-old chorus girl.”
The audience laughed.
Sutch threw the clip board away “Are you all in a good mood?”
“Yes!” every-pony shouted.
“Then what have you been doing?”, the audience laughed again, “But on a serious note, I need the loyal oath, hooves on heart every-pony, yes, your own heart sir.”, a few chuckled, “Every-pony repeat after me. We the audience.”
“We the audience.”
“We the audience.”
“At LWT.”
“At LWT.”
“Solemnly swear.”
“Solemnly swear.”
“Flipping heck.”, as every-pony repeated a number laughed.
“That we will never ever, ever.”
“That we will never ever, ever.”
“Repeat or reveal.”
“Repeat of reveal.”
“Any of the jokes Screaming Lord Sutch might tell us.”, more laughs went through, but in fact a number still repeated it, as they applauded Sutch called out “Oh come on please.” He chuckled.
After the clapping died Sutch reared up and held his hooves out in awe at the audience “What a line-up of guest, the last time I saw so many stars, I banged me head on a mangle.”, a number laughed, “Folks our first star question tonight comes from the lovely Countess Coloratura, a singer on many parts, all of them in beautiful condition.”
A number laughed and Coloratura, or Rara, who sat next to Applejack raised her hoof “I’m here, Sutch, I would like to ask if you come from a show business background. Were you a funny child.”
“Well,”, he paused as a good number chuckled at her wording, Sutch cleared his throat “I do come from a performing family. As my outfit should show I’m a Pearly Prince of Buckminster.” He twirled around to show his tailcoat.
Some-pony in the audience whistled.
“The Pearlies, perform for charity, in fact Fillies and Gentle-colts, as per my policy seventy-five percent of the money I get from this performance will go to charity.”
Princess Celestia started clapping her hooves and soon every-pony followed.
Sutch nodded his thanks before sniffing “As for my childhood, when I was, I’m going to say something now, Fillies and Gentle-colts, that, you’re going to be flabbergasted, you will, you’ll say ‘My, my, we can hardly believe that.’,” he paused at the load chuckles, “I, I wasn’t a pretty baby.”
The theatre rocked with laugher, he frowned and repeated “My, my…”, one stallion on the front row repeated it and Sutch addressed him “Oh come on, be a bit more convincing, will you?”, more laughs.
Sutch shook his head “I was plain, I had embroidered on me bib ‘This way up.’,”, every-pony laughed and went into a collective sad “aww” at the imagery, “I was the only baby on our street who’s dummy had a twelve-inch flange. Me Father put shutters on me pram. He knew I’d be a comedian, when I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?’. I was a bottle baby, then one day I pushed the cock out and escaped. You know, I could walk when I was six months old, and me Granny opened the door and said, ‘Go on hop it.’. When they took me out of me pram ponies used to folk for miles, they thought I was a mobile Punch and Judy show.” He looked back to Rara “And that’s how I started in show business. I performed in The Desert Song, I was second hump on a camel.”, a number of the stage-ponies laughed “I was in Upstairs, Downstairs, only whenever the set for the upstairs was in the limelight, I was in the downstairs set and vice-a-versa. At the age of eight I had my own flee circus, until me Mum stopped me playing with the lad next door.”
As the laugher died down Sutch spoke up “I’m ready for another question, over here we have the distinguished actor of the stage for many years, Mr Lightning Fox, can I be Blunt, oh no, sorry that was you.”
Lightning chuckled “Mr Sutch, I’ve read your ambition is to perform on every stage in Equestria, do you have a favourite theatre?”
“Yes, I do, all theatre, like you yourself must know, all theatres are beautiful. This the Opera House is one of the Temples of Show Business. In Trottingham we have the Palladium, and there are great theatres in the Griffish Isles” he readdressed the audience "Is there any-pony from Griffish Isle?”
A number answered.
“Any-pony from Trottingham?”, a small number answered, Sutch smiled “Well, you’ll recognised tripe when you hear it.”, every-pony laughed.
“This is an educational show you know, when you walk out of here you’ll say, ‘Well that’s taught me a lesson’.”, another theatre wide laugh.
“I’ll tell you something you may not know. Did you know that a dog’s whistle is so high it’s impossible for the equine ear to hear it?” He looked to Applejack “Your dog is probably at home in the kitchen whistling his head off.”, of course Sutch knew Winona to be a female dog, but he didn’t want every-pony to know about their relationship, at Applejack request.
Sutch continued “And you’re just sitting here at LWT laughing hysterically.” He paused “Slightly. I bet when you get home tonight your dog will still be in the kitchen and it’ll say, ‘You know I’ve been whistle me head off?’, and you won’t take a blind bit of notice. Well, anyway the door was bolted and there it is.” As the audience laughed he glanced to Rarity “What’s that? You’re not bothered because you’ve got a cat flap. Do you mean personally or at home?”, Rarity and Moonlight laughed.
“The reason why I collect all this useless, wonderful information is because knowledge is power. What is knowledge?”
“Power!”
“Have you got the knowledge?”
“Yes.”
“Then you’ve got the power, isn’t it wonderful to be in control.”, he paused at the reasonably silence and looked at this microphone, then to the backstage “This thing isn’t working again.”, the audience laughed once more.
“What a wonderful atmosphere here tonight.” He took a deep breath with his noise “Just like a clinic!”, more laughs “Friends! Because I think I can call you that,” he looked away “Not for much longer.”, every-pony chuckled.
“That’s what we professional humourist call ‘A shaft of whit.’,” he turned to a stallion in the audience and pointed “Well that’s something similar sir. I’m ready for another question, here tonight we have Equestria’s Great Magician, making a rare appearance since retirement, the Great Hoofdini,” the old Unicorn stallion smiled and nodded as the audience greatly applauded, Sutch continued “He’s currently working on his most spectacular and difficult illusion, how to make the Great and Powerful Trixie disappear.”, the Mane Six and many Ponyville residence in the audience burst out laughing. Hoofdini start clapping and a number some followed.
“Hoof, amazing me with your question.”
Still laughing the great magician asked, “What’s that old basket doing on stage?”
“I’m trying to get laughs.” As the audience laughed again he walked over to the basket “This here is a prop basket, you were probably born in one of these Hoof.”, Hoofdini laughed.
“This is full of props, all Comedians love props. It goes back to the days of the Jesters, they were the fools of the Middle Ages, as opposed to a middle-aged fool. They had a fool’s licences, which meant he could do virtually anything, the record of King Bullion says his fools would hit him and his knights on the head with his bladder,” he paused as few laughed “and it was very funny if he’d been on the lager the night before.”
He then pulled out a stick, consisting of two wooden boards joined by a hinge at one end. “This is a Slapstick.” He banged it on his rump and it made a loud noise “This is where the term comes from.” He put it back into the basket and brought out another “Here we have the red-hot poker,” he dropped it back “We won’t bother with that.”, this got greeted with laughs.
He then went to the drum, the word ‘The Great Drum of Buckminster’, written on the skin “This is my favourite prop,” he started banging it “Silent Night, Silent… Softly, softly…” he paused “Oh, I love a drum, you can’t beat them. I go everywhere with my drum, it great in an, in an,” he deliberately started stumbling “in an emergency, supposing you find yourself in a strange hotel, I know I found one, it’s the middle of night, pitch black, you can’t see your clock, well, stick your drum out and start banging,” he demonstrated “Some-pony always shout out ‘How the heck’s playing a drum at half-past three in the morning!’.”
Princess Luna burst out laughing his time and soon every-pony applauded.
Sutch went back to the microphone and spoke “We have a very glamourous mare this evening, gorgeous filly, who you can defiantly count on, well, up to two anyway. Miss Fleur Dis Lee.”, the audience, Fancy Pants most of all applauded.
The model smiled “My friend in Trottingham have spoken of you Sutch.”
“Oh?” he said raising an eyebrow.
“Nothing terrible, they call you an honorary professor of Gelotology, which is the study of laughter, so I’d like to know, what is a laugh?”
Sutch nodded impressed “A laugh Fleur? Anatomically speaking,” he pointed to his abdomen “It starts here in the middle of your diagram,” a few chuckles “it passes up your clack and out you titter valve, it like an attack of wind. A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.” He laughed himself “Anywhere else you’re in dead trouble.”, every-pony burst out laughing, “People laugh at different thing, some mares laugh at little things, it’s pity really.” He looked away slightly as the laughs came “For thousands of years philosophers have tried to find the essence of laughter.
“I think Fillies and Gentle-colts, there is a rainbow of laugher, at the top is white laughter of pure joy, you can here that anytime you like, just pass any school playground and you see the foals leaping, running, jumping and laughing for the sheer joy of being alive.”, the audience went “aww” at this thought.
Twilight leaned into Flash and her hoof rubbed across of baby bump.
“Then you work your way through the colours, red laugher, orange laughter,”, he glanced to Celestia’s mane “pink laughter, yellow laughter, green laughter, blue laughter,” his face flew slightly “and right at the bottom is the very dark colours of sarcasm, insult and satire.” He brightened up “A sense of humour in really finding the funny side of life. People do say ‘A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre…’,
“A stage manager once told me a story. He had this great idea for a play called Page Three Fillies.,” he looked at Fleur “it was really an excuse to get glamour models to take their clothes off. I was in the Ducal Theatre in Soho, the entertainment,” he looked about and leaned into the micro and whispered “including a certain type, the entertainment district of Buckminster. You used to have street fights in Soho all the time you know, they don’t call them that now, they’ve been renamed ‘Pavement Debates’.
“The opening night of Page Three Fillies, the Ducal Theatre was packed,” he chuckled “the light came down in the auditorium, complete black out, and from the back a little, pin focus, I think that’s what it’s called, a pin focus light hit the front of the stage, the currents parted and out stepped this beautiful mare, not a stich on her, perfect figure, as naked as the day she was born. She went up to the mic and said, ‘Fillies and Gentle-colts, may I please have your attention?’.”, Fleur and a lot of the mares started laughing before every-pony started clapping.
“And you know, one thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of comedians tends to be stallions, why? Mares can be funny too, only a mare would think of going to bed with a mud pack on her face, her mane in curlers and say, ‘Where’s all the passion gone?’.”
As the audience laughed Moonlight slightly glanced at Rarity, she pretended to pout and nudged him.
“And you know, there exist different senses of humour, I can tell a joke in Ponyville, and they won’t laugh in Griffonstone. They can’t hear it.”, the audience again burst out laughing and clapped.
“In the audience, I see my old friend, the chair-stallion of the Official Monster Raving Looney Party, I don’t know whether I should ask him a question as he’s so shy and humble,”
Said friend and Party Member, dressed in white with a stovepipe hat, laughed loudly and hysterically.
Sutch introduced him “Fillies and Gentle-colts, Howling Laud Hope!”, the audience cheered.
Hope spoke “Well, Sutchy, we’re both politically minded, and we’re both mad enough,” the audience chuckled, “if we did make it to Parliament, would you be the Prime Minister?”
“Well, Hope, we’ve both go brilliant minds,”, as the audience laughed Hope turned to them and called back “He’s right!”, before laughing again.
“Not Prime Minister, if I could the job I’d fancy is Chancellor of the Exchequer,” the audience laughed loudly again and Sutch reasoned “At least I’d be reunited with me money.”
Celestia, Luna and Cadance all laughed and they initiated the applauds.
“Now, I’m going to ask another question, from another great actor from the great Trottingham drama Upstairs Downstairs, Mr Wintergreen.”
“Sutch, every week I have to learn a new, script…”
“That’s what they’re called.”
“I have to learn it in the matter of few days. How do you remember all your jokes?”
“Good question, I tend to use something called the ‘Roll Up’ technique, where you try for as many jokes as possible, I try on a roll for seven TPM, Titters Per Minute.” He addressed the audience “I’ll give you all an idea. I went to the doctor’s last week, nothing wrong, just to make sure they hadn’t crossed me off. Cause they won’t come out and visit you in Trottingham anymore, you can be sick as a hoof-baller, I was going to play for Buckminster, but I could spit far enough.
“I asked the receptionist could the Doctor come a visit me? She said ‘Visit? You must have lost your conkers, you can have an appointment at a quarter to six, three weeks next Tuesday.’, I said I could be dead by then, and she replied, ‘Well if you do please get some-pony to call in a cancel the appointment.”, the audience burst out laughing.
“I went into the insulting room and the doctor asked me ‘Are you paying or shall I hurt you?’
“I said, No, no, I’m paying.
“He said, ‘Alright take all your clothes off.’
“So, I did, he went into the next room for laugh, he then came back, looked at me and said, ‘You’ll have to diet.’
“I said, What colour?
“‘No, no,’ he said and then he asked, ‘Do you have any difficulty passing water?’
“I replied, Well, whenever I go over a bridge I get a bit dizzy. He asked, ‘Do you have vertigo?’
“Oh no, we only live around the corner
“‘They you must eat for fibre.’
“What do you think I am, I replied, A moth?
“People can do some terrible things you know, that’s a feller down our way who’s had four wooden legs, making a coffee table.
“After me came this little old mare and she asked, ‘Doctor? Can I have some more sleeping pills for me husband?’
“He asked, ‘Why?’
“And she replied, ‘He’s just woken up.’
“The doctor said, ‘I don’t like giving sleeping pills constantly, can’t he do it nature’s way? Organically?’
“‘Oh no, he can’t play the organ.’
“‘No, how about instead you treat him to a little tot of something to drink.
“‘He does that already. Before he goes to bed he always has eight whiskeys, four gins, two vodkas, a large brandy a martini and an egg-flip.’
“Then he asked, ‘And he can’t sleep?’
“‘No,’ she replied, ‘He’s up all night singing.’”, Luna burst out laughing again and many did the same with few claps.
He glanced at another mare “It’s me Mrs!” he chuckled “Omar Sharif.”
The Saddle Arabian royals laughed. Sutch reasoned “Well, I’ve often been mistake for his camel.”
“Can you hear me at the back?”
“Yes!” the back row called.
“That’s a funny place to have your ears.”
After the laughs faded he addressed the audience “Tonight his romantic night isn’t girls?”
“Yes!”
“All other Equestria, young frisky mares will be sitting up in bed going,” he made a nudging motion to his left “Harry?”, he then made a snoring noise, “Harry?”, he repeated the snore, “Alright,” he made a nudge to the right “Charlie?”
He glanced at Applejack and winked “I think of me-self as a Casanova, I’m a sex symbol for mares who don’t care.” He winked at a giggled Applejack, “I do keep fit. Every morning it’s up, down, up, down, then the other eyelid. I’d did twenty minutes running on the spot, I had me braces caught in the bannister. I bought one of them rowing machine, but it sank!”
He waited for the laughs to fade “I do it because I come from a long line of heroes you know. Me Uncle Sidney, he had a military bearing, which he used to juggle and make the foals laugh. Me Uncle Eustace deserted during the military two-step. And me Great-grandfather had a lot to do with the relief of Lady Smith, as a matter of fact she invited him back the following night.”, more laughs, “Although I can do a lot of villainous things too. At the end of the month I love to go down to the bottom of the garden, wait for the tortoise to get there, the turn it around the other way.”
Rainbow Dash burst out laughing and Fluttershy chuckled know she did “aww” and the misfortunate image.
“When it’s pouring with rain I love to ask police-stallions the time when their wearing their scooter-caps. I close me eyes in the middle of wedding photos. When I’m at home I deliberately leave the seat up. Half-past ten at night I love to get the dog’s lead from off the hook, and then don’t go out.
“After I’ve have me bath I often flex in front of the mirror,” he stuck a pose, several the mares chuckled, one even whistled, “I can be in there for hours, bragging, shouting downstairs, Gladys? Gladys! Come and have a look at this.” He paused and then shouted, “Hurry up!”, the audience burst out laughing and clapped. "I can't hold it much longer!"
“Right now, I just want you to imagine the equine body, nothing rude, just the equine body no clothing, why is it all the best parts have no bones? They’re enough bone in the equine body to last the average dog a fortnight. And you know dogs have a very sophisticated sense of smell, you wouldn’t think so with some of the things they sniff. Imagine if we had the same highly sensitive noses as a dog, a mare could stand at her front door a half-past five in the evening and go,” he sniffed “‘Hello, your Dad’s just got off the bus.’”
After a few chuckles, he continued “Health shops have now could this aroma therapy to help with illnesses, Rosemary is very good with headaches, or at least she was when I tried it. Castor Oil, very good for athletics, half a bottle of that and you don’t need starting blocks. Me Auntie Nelly, she went on Oil of Evening Primrose, she took it for a year, got eaten by a caterpillar.”
Fluttershy giggled among the sudden guffaws.
“Three in one oil, that’s very good for loosing nuts.” He glanced at Soarin “So watch what you’re doing there, sir.”, he paused as Soarin blushed and the other Wonderbolts howled with laughed, Rainbow Dash slapped him on the back.
Sutch went on, “I do have the occasional romantic moment. The other day a lovely young mare came to me and said, ‘Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the opticians.’” He frowned at the laughs.
“I am a firm believer in safe sex, I’ve got a safety-rail around the bed.”, he then addressed the mares “Ladies you wouldn’t want one of those exotic lovers, would you?”
Many of the single mare answered “Yes.”
“You wouldn’t,” Sutch protested “too far away for the spare part for one thing.” He then looked about the audience “Do you hear that lads?”
“Yes.”
“These mares are getting a bit too bossy sometimes, aren’t they lads?”
“Yes.”
“Mares these days are getting a bit too pushy, aren’t they lads?”
“Yes!”
“Well we’re not going to put up with it much longer, are we?”
“No!”
“What are we going to do about it lads?”
Multiple, in audible responses fired back, Sutch frowned his eyebrows “Eh?” he looked at one stallion and repeated “Nothing?” he paused and he slowly glanced around “As long as you know the what the battle plan is.”
“All over the world romance is different, I’m sure in places like Saddle Arabia and Crystal Empire it’s quite the occasion, in the Griffish when a mare’s having a romantic interlude she looks up and says, ‘That cleaning needs doing.’”, the Mare burst into howls as Sutch continued “‘And what are you going to do about that shed? There are jobs need doing in this house, and have needed doing for some time. I’ll have to get a colt in.’”, as another bunch of laughs went through Sutch pointed to one “Mrs? Are you laughing at something I’ve said or something he’s done?” he said pointing to the stallion next to her, he paused and shook it head “I can’t take credit for another lad’s work.”
He turned to a mare in the audience “I’ll take a question from Princess Luna.”
The Princess of the Night nodded her thanks “I’d like to know Lord Sutch, how you stay topical with your jokes, do you use the newspapers?”
“Do I use the newspapers?”, Celestia laughed loudly as Luna blushed at her own wording. Sutch replied “We’re pretty primitive on the Griffish Isles, but not that unruly. I have had me voice trained, they put newspapers down it. And I can cover five octaves, I’ve had me legs stretched. There’s always new jokes Princess, people ask where the new jokes will come from, there are as many jokes as there ponies every day doing daft things, and we always do daft things, don’t we? Just keep your eyes open and your ears open and you’ll hear about things, a news item.” He glanced at Prince Blueblood and winked “Prince Blueblood was bitten by a dog on his way to the theatre tonight, but after being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog could go home.”, Prince Blueblood chuckled but shock his head as Flash and Shining Armour patted him on the back.
“The one I like best are the advertisement columns, ‘For sale, vaulting pole, slightly damaged but suitable to enthusiastic midget.’,” a few chuckles went through the theatre, “‘For sale, three hundred issues of Play-colt Magazine and assorted sex-toys. Would exchange for Zimmer Frame and orthopaedic bed.” Another round of chuckles.
“‘Personal column. ‘Short, squat, short temper, ugly, bald pensioner, wishes to meet tall, wealthy, beautiful blonde mare, with a view to warm passionate relationship, sense of humour essential.’”, droll laughs, “‘Personal column. ‘Bear. I think of you every night when I lie waiting for your touch. P.S. I’m on the other side of the bed. Your wife Doris.’”, the chuckles came slightly louder.
“When does a stallion know he’s growing old? His life is like a journey, down many streets, scrambling over ditches, climbing mountains, fording river, in search of, the truth. And one day, everything clicks, your neck, your back, knees, ankles.”, the audience guffawed, “When you full out of bed you should like a maraca solo, and your wife’s in the bathroom dancing. You get no sympathy if you’re ill, ‘You’re not going to off work, are you?’, a stallion must release he’s not as young as he was. In the autumn of your life you get tell-tale signs, you get out of breath playing chess, you’re wedding suit comes back into fashion, you need both front hooves to clean your teeth.” He reared up and pretend to brush a pair of dentures “You still chase after manes, but you can’t remember why! Your wife makes you wear dark trouser when you go out. When you do go out people help you onto the bus, just after you’ve gotten off the blasted thing!”
He addressed the mares “Ladies, you never grow old, do you?” He gazed into Applejack’s eyes “You look so beautiful tonight,” then looked to all the mare “and you always will you beautiful. You might realise your knocking on a bit because at Hearth’s Warming every-pony gives you lavender bath cubes, your family start taking you home early from parties.”
He looked out at the entire audience “You’ll never grow old Fillies and Gentle-colt, because you’ve all got such wonderful chuckle muscles, you’re all foals at heart. If you exercise your chuckle muscles every day, have a good laugh, or better still make some-pony else laugh, you’ll stay young, playful and health. If you don’t it dries up and drops off.
“But tonight, here we’ve heard the most beautiful sound in the world, the sound of laughter and happiness, forgot all you trouble. To finish Fillies and Gentle-colts, I just want to thank you all for being a wonderful audience! Give yourselves and round of applauds.”
Every-pony clapped.
“I wish you happiness, good health, and the time to enjoy it!” he turned to the band “Music maestro!”
They started his theme again, this time he sang the lyrics “Bring me sunshine, In your smile, Bring me laughter, All the while, In this world where we live, There should be more happiness, So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright tomorrow,
“Make me happy, through the years, Never bring me, any tears, Let your hooves be as warm, as the sun from up above! Bring me fun, Bring me Sunshine, Bring me Love!
“Bring me sunshine, In your smile, Bring me laughter, All the while, In this world where we live, There should be more happiness, So much joy you can give, to each brand new bright tomorrow,
“Make me happy, through the years, Never bring me, any tears, Let your hooves be as warm, as the sun from up above! Bring me fun, Bring me sunshine, Bring me love, sweet love,
“Bring me Fun, Bring me Sunshine, Bring me Love!”
He gave a kiss to the audience and backed away as the curtain fell. As soon as the curtain hid him away, Sutch smiled, sighed and collapsed onto his back, a stage-hoof helped him to his dressing room.
Applejack opened the door the dressing room and shut it quickly “You should see the line outside!”
“I’d rather not.”
“They all want to talk to you Sutch.”, he turned to her and smiled “You’re the only one I want to talk to.”, she smiled and kissed him on the cheek “You think it went well?”
“I can tell you all love it.”
“Well we were laughing our heads off.”
“Not only that, you had a cloud forming over you.”
“Say what?”
“A cloud! Honesty,” he started chuckling “steam coming off the audience!”
“Tarnation!”, a banging from the door sound and they both glanced at it, Sutch sighed “You’d better go, I’ll meet up with you as soon as I can. After that just a quiet night.”
“You bet.” She kissed him on the cheek again and smiling walk out the door.
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Okay. A few of these sailed over my head.
8313180
Well Ken Dodd did say homour in different through out the world, even just in Britian sense of homours are different.