Rainbow Dash has been active for almost her entire life, and she hasn't had a good break in a long time. After a tough day of fighting the brutal force of weather, one of her friends decides to have a little something-something for the active pegasus.
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I like it. However, there are a few errors gramatically. Whenever a new character is speaking, regardless of thought or spoken words, it requires a new paragraph. Also, you may need a prereader or something similar to point out spelling errors. I found a few, but it did not detract from the story. It has potential, but it better have some explanation of why Rainbow is in Rarity's house. I will be watching to see how this develops.
Edit: I noticed this was titled "(Maybe) Only Chapter" and I must say you cannot possibly do this. This must continue. A conflict has been introduced but yet has not remotely been resolved. And first!
Also I noticed this, "It was quotes from her 5 best friends . . . ." When a number is ten or lower, you should spell it out. Also when doing time, for things like "4 in the morning . . . ." it's easier for me, personally, to read it as "four in the morning" on account of the previously mentioned. However, I am not too sure on time rules for grammar, so take that as you will.
885156>>885193
I actually just wrote it last night at 2 in the morning, so thats why it reeks of that stuff.
But I just changed it
885241
Edit: Nope I don't. And check the last paragraph there, there seems to be an equals sign there.
"After a tough day of fighting the brutal force of level" (In description)
Wut?
So... Many.... ERRORS
That's what I get for writing fanfics when I'm half asleep
Holy crap, that pic!
This story definately needs more. It's a good story, but you need to get more into it.
885301
You want it?
It's yours my friend:
As long as you have enough roobies
Bad memes are fun
>one of her friends decides to have a little something-something for the active pegasi
Pegasi should be pegasus; pegasi means more than one pegasus. That implies Rarity does something-something for every active pegasus. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png
Everything else looks nice so far, just take into consideration everything everybody above already pointed out.
885483
I'm trying to fix things as I and the viewers see them.
885526
You're doing a good job.
885387
*Rupees.
Something tells me you haven't really played an LoZ game before...I mean, even I would play through the first game for a little bit before I quoted the words of the great, inspirational Morshu the Shopkeep.
This will seem like a pretty interesting story... :)
885540
I've just seen too many YTPs
Now I have to get back to work, the fanbase for this is growing like cazy
that pic is cute
885241 DAJA VU OF HAVING DAJA VU!!!!
I'm a little confused at what's going on. Dash wakes up at Rarity's and... Doesn't remember how she got there? Or she does? Or she swapped places with Sweetie Belle somehow? Or something?
885845
Rainbow Dash wakes up in Rarity's place and doesn't remember how she got there
>>PonyPonyX
I'm guessing Twilight teleported her there and disabled her wings.
885898 Thank you for clarifying.
It's Great... ;)
Holy shit... 300 views? This thing's gonna be through the roof
MUST. KEEP. TYPING. STORY
Rainbow I'm disappointed in you not seeing those warning flags. I mean Rarity basically foal-napped you and who knows what else she has planned?
The following is a PPSA = Pony Public Service Announcement.
"When you suddenly find yourself in a room that isn't yours and your kidnapper attempts to drag you around under the pretenses of 'Fun' Run... Run like Tartarus just opened behind you."
The above was a PPSA from the PAM Ponies Against Molestation movement
'bullcrap' explicit language does not befit a lady and as such, Rarity would not say it in this 'casual' conversation. EDIT: Also Rarity doesn't call Rainbow Dashie to my knowledge, that's Pinkie's nickname. I believe Rarity calls her by her full name.
Also Rainbow seems a bit OOC, she isn't the kind of pony to accept a hooficure for no reason like that, let alone by a random stranger. Also she wouldn't spill her life story out like that this quickly, she would offer more resistance to not only her story-telling, but the entire scenario overall. She would demand to know why she can't fly, or why she needs a hooficure, or why Rarity really cares about Dash's well being, things of that nature. Her character as is seems more like a Twilight or Fluttershy, a more delicate pony.
Fortunately though, it does not distract me enough to kill the story, so write on!
886645
Well I'm under the pressure of 641 viewers wanting chapter 3, and unfortunately, I am like valve in a way that the third chapter takes the longest...
I also have to say that when working with a fanbase that's constantly saying "CHAPTER THREE NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO", I just want to get the points out there for faster production.
P.S. My excuse: I write these at 2 in the morning
Hey take a page from your own book(fic in this case) and slow down.
This seems like its going to be fun! enjoying it so far, the editing seems to be quite a bit better too! 
887986
And what exactly do you mean by that? Stretch out chapter two a little bit?
886747
No no, just don't drive yourself crazy :P
woo another chapter! *goes and reads it*
I'd be mad as shit if I were Rainbow. She takes naps during the day, and that's how she relaxes herself. Rarity should have offered her some relaxation ideas. Forcing them on Rainbow Dash is unethical, and Rarity has fairly decent ethics.
What's with her wings anyways? She's conditioned them to operate under extreme stresses.
Ah, it all makes sense now.
This is why unicorns should be feared.
Oh, I see now, inb4 cupcakes.
890803
Not even close...
You just wait and see....
890940
I
like
cupcakes
we
should
make
some
Rainbow
Dash
I'm getting the feeling that there's something more going on here. Like Rarity is in all actuality Rainbow's mother or something and that's why Rainbow is unable to deny Rarity's mom voice. It's an instinct thing.
Oh and before someone gives me a lecture on the fact that Rarity was a filly during the Sonic Rainboom Rainbow caused as a filly and can't possible be her mom.
I'm not saying she is, I'm saying that Rarity is using some manner of manipulating Rainbow's instincts into thinking that she's Rarity's daughter and therefore overwriting her self control and such.
In my professional opinion I believe that the Ribbon is the key. Why else is Rarity so damned adamant that it stay on?
I really have a bad feeling about this story now. I thought it was probably going to be some sort of RariDash story, but now this is really starting to get into the creepy side here. Judging from the title, it looks like Rarity is going to kill Rainbow somewhere down the line.
I love this story, but Rarity's going a bit OOC.
I know that Rarity is stern, but she keeps going Canterlock all the time D:
I think you should change Rarity saying 'honey' to 'darling'
894544
I think you mean Canterlot?
And you all should just stop worrying over where this will go and just let the author do his magic
Oh shit... The dislikes are climbing sharply...
Heavy: NOT GOOD
895548
Capslock + Canterlot = Canterlock
I like what you're doing, but I have a couple of suggestions.
First, there are some pretty big grammatical errors. May I suggest a proof reader? Stumbling over something that reads as 'wight' instead of 'weight' really slows down the reading, as the reader must face palm first. Correct these things and you'll get a really big leg up.
Second, it would be great to see why Rarity is doing this, or at least get some background. Rainbow Dash is a prisoner, so I imagine it'd have to be pretty severe. We know that Rarity would like to see Rainbow Dash tidy herself up a bit, and put a little time in making herself more presentable, we've seen this in the show.
Finally, Rainbow Dash is phasing in and out of obedience. Trying to follow her transitions has been difficult. I think that better describing to the readers what is happening to her mind and body, before, during, and after this phasing so that there is no question as to what phase she is in would really help out a lot.
Don't give up! I wanna see what happens.
923120
It'l all come together in the end... I just need the mid-ideas to finish up Chapter 5 (God, it's taking forever)
Hold your horses, and hopefully I'll get it out before you all explode after waiting for so long
Cancelled, Well damn. At least this seemed to be developing into an interesting idea. Maybe someone else will take a chance and run with it?