Part Two: Recollection
Chapter I - The Parting of the Ways
———<The Day After the Invasion>———
“I am just saying, if, and I mean if, she really is the Twilight Sparkle we know, then we have to hear her out, and treat her as such! There has to be a good reason for all this… subterfuge. Maybe the real Twilight died when she was young, and this Queen replaced her, or Twilight recruited her to help fight Chrysalis or something.” Rarity tapped a hoof against the table for emphasis and looked at the others.
Rainbow was nervously tapping a hoof against the floor, and her wings were fluttering. Applejack had her hooves crossed, and her brow was furrowed in thought. Fluttershy was staring vacantly at the table, and Pinkie Pie was bobbing her head while looking around at the others. Cadence, Celestia, and the two revealed changelings were in the hospital, and Spike was in the dungeons. Luna, who had been healed by Celestia, was the only member of royalty present.
“I understand your thoughts, Miss Rarity, but you must know that changelings have been an enemy of the state for as long as we have known of them. This attack only serves to strengthen that distrust. Hardly any of my subjects in Canterlot have slept the past days, and the one who did had terrible nightmares. Queen Chrysalis and her army put all of Canterlot into cocoons. If not for the efforts of Princess Cadence and Princess Celestia, Chrysalis would be taking Equestria as we speak.”
Rarity stomped a hoof against the table. “And what? The efforts of the other Queen and the changelings that replaced Spike and Shining Armor are dirt? We must give them the benefit of the doubt, regardless of whether or not they’re ponies or changelings.”
Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I have to agree, Princess. I’ve learned that even creatures as intimidating and scary as a dragon can make kind decisions. And… what if the changelings that attacked were the only bad ones? Maybe there are changelings out there that are good, and we’ve just misunderstood each other throughout the years.”
Luna shot a cold glare at Fluttershy, who cowered. The Princess closed her eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry, Miss Shy. My sister and I just haven’t had the greatest history with changeling-kind, or this Queen’s hive. We’ve lost close friends far too soon, too often because of them and their deceptions. My sister and I aren’t lucky enough to be able to sense emotions, unlike our Princess Cadence.
“This new Queen’s hive, back before I was banished, had the ability to, through some foul magic, convert ponies to changelings. We don’t know how, or why, but many ponies we knew would wake up with chitin instead of a coat. We hunted their Queen for months until I finally managed to sever her head from her body. We don’t know how her hive survived, or where her hive is, but we know that this new Queen is not one to be set free.”
They all sat in silence, pondering everything that had been said and done. Applejack cleared her throat and began to speak. “Either way, friendly or not, the changelings that replaced Twilight, Spike and Shining have been lyin’. I have to agree with the Princess. I can’t trust them because they could have even more secrets hidden from us. But we need to figure out what that is without hurtin’ anypony.”
Luna frowned, but the others nodded in agreement. “Very well. We may interrogate them without resorting to violent measures, although I would take immense pleasure in removing those pieces of filth from our world.” Fluttershy shrunk down and looked away.
Pinkie Pie raised a hoof. “What about Twilight’s secret? Spike was saying that she had a big secret she was going to tell us, right? What if that secret was that Twilight is a changeling Queen! Ohmygosh, what if the history she had with Chrysalis that she mentioned was a large battle where Queen Twilight’s hive was destroyed, and Twilight escaped with only a few eggs and nymphs, and slowly began turning changelings into ponies in an attempt at saving her hive! Genius plan, right?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “We never did figure out what Spike was talking about. I don’t think most of what Pinkie said is correct, though I am keeping an open mind because Pinkie, but I do think that her secret was going to be changeling related. It’s too much of a coin… coinseedance… coinkidink… what’s that word for when stuff happens at the same time, and they’re related to each other?”
“Coincidence? And yes, it is awfully suspicious that Spike’s confession and the invasion happened at the same time.” Rarity furrowed her brow and put a hoof to her muzzle.
Luna opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by a messenger that burst through the doors and flew to the Princess. The messenger pulled a scroll from her saddlebags and held it to Luna in her mouth. “Message from Princess Celestia, Princess Luna.”
Luna quickly took the message and read through it. Her frown deepened as her eyes passed over the page, until she set it down, and stood up. “We must go, all of you. The Queen and her changelings have woken up.”
———<Canterlot Medical Wing>———
Queen Citlali opened her eyes, and immediately felt something… invasive. She looked around and quickly noticed that she was in the Canterlot Castle hospital wing. That wasn’t important. Whoever had put her in a bed had tied her to it by running the ropes through the holes in her legs. She moved her hooves around and shuddered when the ropes rubbed against the highly sensitive spots of sponge-like skin.
When she attempted to burn them away, she felt a pressure around her horn, which made her smile. “The silly ponies put a cuff on my horn! How adorable.” She focused her magic, still using energy from the love bomb, and felt the cuff split in half. The two pieces fell onto the bed and gave off a small amount of smoke. She burned the ropes away, and hopped off the bed, and onto the floor.
The beds beside her were also inhabited. A changeling she immediately recognized as Vahan, and Princess Cadence. She walked to Vahan and looked him over with a caring eye. His chitin was rough and completely burnt away in areas. His crest was singed and shorter than would usually be seen, and his wings were stumps.
Citlali used some of her vast storage of emotional energy to speed the healing process by a good week or so, and walked to Cadence to inspect her. She had less intense injuries, physically at least. Bruises, scrapes, and a few magical burns. Nothing serious. Citlali healed the cuts and began working on her own self.
She felt like chitin-rust. Her wings were gone, her web-like mane was missing, and she couldn’t… She threw a hoof above her head and patted frantically. A small nub of flesh confirmed her fears. She took a heavy sigh. Her antenna was burnt away, which meant that her egregore was gone as well, at least until she healed. She needed to gather her hive the pony way, it seemed.
Citlali heard a small cough, and spun around to see… uh-oh. Princess Celestia had snuck into the medical wing and was staring at her with a cold smile. “The others will be here soon, at which point you will have a chance to explain yourself. If you have harmed any of my subjects, I will have no choice but to imprison you until you are willing to assist myself, and the country.”
Citlali shook her head and took a step back. “I haven’t harmed anypony without reasonable cause. I have done nothing but look after my subjects these past years, which I’m sure you can relate to.”
Celestia chuckled. “Reasonable cause is subjective. What have you done, changeling? I had hoped I had finished off your hive, back when Queen Aysune was in power, but I suppose not every good thing lasts forever. And yet…”
Celestia walked over to Cadance's bed. “I saw you heal her. I am unsure if you are attempting to create a better image for yourself, or if it was out of compassion, but I thank you nonetheless. I assume you healed this changeling as well?” She motioned to Vahan.
Citlali nodded. “I will admit I spent far more energy healing him than I did Cadence. Parental nepotism, and all that.”
“So he is your hive. I will admit, I can see the resemblance. I assume you will explain yourself once the Bearers and Luna make their way here?”
Citlali chuckled, then began to laugh. “Are you kidding me? Wait here for Princess Luna, the one who earned the rank and title of Nightmare because of her actions on the battlefield? The one that decapitated my grandmother? The one that sent our hive into a love drought for decades?”
Citlali roared with laughter. “I’m not apathetic, Princess. I can feel your hate against me and my entire species. If not for my actions during the invasion, and the knowledge I possess, you would have reunited me with my hive in the care of the All-Mother. Back when I was just Twilight Sparkle, unicorn scholar, I attempted to build a better relationship with Luna. But now, Queen Chrysalis has destroyed my life yet again.”
Citlali walked over to Vahan and rested a hoof on his forehead. “I’m sorry to say that Twilight Sparkle is gone now. Burnt away when Princess Cadence cast her love weapon. I enjoyed being your pupil, Celestia. At some point, I might have revealed myself to you, in the interest of repairing relations between changelings and ponies.”
Citlali’s horn began to glow, and Celestia charged hers in kind. “But I am now Queen Citlali of the lavender hive once again. I’ve spent far too long a time sitting around, I will use the love from the weapon to organize my hive again.” The Bearers and Luna rushed through the door in time to see Citlali grab Vahan, and create a fire portal underneath her hooves, which she sank into. They watched as the lavender gateway shrunk, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Luna took a shuddering breath, then slammed both of her front hooves into the floor, shattering the tile with a shout of fury. “Find them, we cannot let them live again!”
Rainbow hovered back, then shook her head. “Where could she have gone? We can’t really follow a changeling that fell into the floor.”
Luna turned around, then began walking away. “That spell was a portal, similar to a teleport. That creature is somewhere within the city, we hope. We have hunted it’s kind before, we can do it again. Tell all the guards to block all exits from the city, disregarding rank or title. Its wings were damaged, which means it must take a path on hoof out of the city. Sister, can you help me set upwards against magical travel around the city? We can trap it, just like Aysune before.”
Celestia didn’t move, looking down instead at Princess Cadence in her bed. “No, sister. Not this time.”
“What? You would side with them?”
“No. But I have faith that my prized protégé will find a solution. Just as she did with Discord, with the fauna of the Everfree, with her zebra friend… with Nightmare Moon.” Celestia glanced at Luna, who had a confused look on her face.
Luna waved a hoof in the air. “What, do you mean to suggest that you think this Queen really is Twilight Sparkle?”
“I don’t think she is Twilight Sparkle. I hope she is Twilight Sparkle, despite everything.”
The Bearers and Princesses looked at the floor where Citlali had cast the fire portal.
———<Canterlot Dungeons>———
Spike sat, undisguised, on his prison cot. He was sick of the constant flow of hate from the guards, the musty smell of moss, and far less pleasant scents that the dungeon floor was coated with.
He would have cried, if not for the fact that crying was a childish thing to do. His life as Spike the dragon was gone, Twilight was revealed as Citlali, and Chrysalis had destroyed their lives and escaped, again.
He thought back to Zecora, and how willing the ponies were to accept her after Apple Bloom had explained everything. If only a simple chat could fix things this time around.
Spike blinked as he felt one of the unpleasant feelings in the air leave. He glanced over in time to see the two guards slump to the floor, unconscious. “Hello? Who’s there?”
The air shimmered and bent as Queen Citlali removed her invisibility spell. A changeling that Spike didn’t recognize was hung over her back. “Spike, we need to leave. I’m going to get our hive going again, using the love from Cadence’s spell. Even if we can get a few harvesters out, we can start rebuilding again. I’ll get in contact with the other Queens again, and ask for any supplies.”
She snapped the lock on the door and pushed it open. “The Whitetail hive has been gone for too long. Being Twilight Sparkle was fun and did a good job of keeping the remnants of the hive alive, but… the good of our hive’s future must come first now.”
She snapped Spike’s bindings and helped him stand. “That’s good news. But, what are we going to do about the girls, Citlali? And the others in Ponyville, Moondancer, and… is that Shining Armor?”
“Vahan, but, yes it is. I’m going to heal him, then we’ll give him and the others a choice. They can continue their lives as a pony, but they must choose whether or not they also serve the hive. Right now, though, we need to hurry. No doubt the Princesses are closing off our escape as we speak.”
“Alright. I hope that we can work this all out like we did with Zecora.”
Citlali ran a hoof down Spike’s crest. “I hope so too. Stand by me, I’ll portal us out of here.” Spike nodded and did as he was asked. The ring of fire flared underneath them, pulling them into the ground.
personally liked the other version better
8222603I liked it too, but there were too many weird plot convulsions, and a lack of empathy. The last chapter, where Cit talked about her past with the ponies, killed the flow of the story, and took out many chances for heavy scenes later. This will be more action-packed (not too much though), and will have more human feeling characters. Even though they're horses and bugs.
This is a better way, and I hope you can still enjoy it.
8222619
I will judge based on the big reveal
Okay, I reread the chapters and...I'm a little confused. They did get rid of Chrysalis, right? I couldn't tell, you just sort of had Shining look liked he got killed and...something else. Also, why are Celestia and Luna so...arrogant and mean in this? You haven't really given a good reason for it. Also, is Cadance in her thirties in this? You made it sound like she is.
8222625 A good thing to go by!
ok this story rewrite is far better,
i do wish she stay and chat with the princess some more, but i do hope things work out, like pony twilight's grandma turn, were give choose to do so, and they were die and did so they can stay alive longer to spend more time with they friends, or they do it to save pony lives
I think the re-write is an improvement as well and I'm curious to see how this will play out.
Humm interesting, though something tells me Twilight is gonna get caught trying to gather up her hive. 14 lings in her hive, her included. Ok The Mane 6, Spike, Shining Armor, Twilight Velvet, Nightlight, Moondancer... 11.. so maybe the rest of her Canterlot friends, Lemon hearts, Minnuette and Lyra. I'm guessing all the ponies "transformed into changelings" where really changelings who had been mentally altered to not know they where changelings? Having her harvesters so far undercover they don't know they are changelings sounds like a very Twilight plan.
Definitely different.
I'm sad there's no more Q&A but revisions are revisions.
8222755 Yeah. I still will answer those questions, but doing them all at once was too much exposition for my, and many others tastes.
I liked the other version way more
8222787
I'll never understand people's hatred of exposition. I love it when things are just talked about. Sure, technically speaking, it's poor story telling, but I'll be damned if it isn't enjoyable. At least, it is to me....
I think this rewrite is far better.
The "flow" is a lot better and the reactions are a lot more natural. (or at least I think so)
8222787
The only issue I had with the exposition 'dumps' was the lack of emotional action, either in reaction from the ponies that were listening, or the speaker in trying to recount a situation that would likely have emotional baggage tied to it. From what I recall, it was like Citali was talking to the reader, and the ponies at that moment mostly existed to provide the questions.
I would understand Citali having an explanation of sorts already prepared, and maybe try to give a 'lecture' on any questions her audience might have. From there you could use the answer, the audience (consisting of 1 changeling, 5 'ponies', and 2 princesses all with different personalities), and Citali's (or 'Spike's) body language to convey emotion, or lack thereof.
Edit1: Anyway, I like the rewrite, and how Citali is now trying to get control over her situation.
aww but i liked the telling of the back story i oh so hope that we will get some background to replace the old one
Well, it good to see you back to writing this story again I think the changes are good for the most part and the extra focus on the action seems to be better for me, I hope you will find the better balance between the two of them. Looking froward to the next installment of this story.
I like this version of the story. The exposition is worked into the scenes and not dumped all at once, and everything isn't solved with sitting down and talking calmly over a cup of tea. It's more of an adventure story and less of a... well, an outline for a story.
I also like that this time it Chrysalis' hive got some serious smiting from the love bomb instead of making it sound like they just got booted out of town.
It certainly is a more interesting way for the story to go, instead of the revelation being taken care off immediately.
8226189 Cadnece is actually another changeling Queen. She and Chryssie are swapping places.
Seriously though, I fix probably 90% of the Cadnece slips in the fic, and there's still more I'm finding.
8222628 Chryssie escaped. I added a piece to make it clear she dove for a window when the spell went off. The Sisters' hate for changelings, especially Whitetail changelings, will be explained soon. I headcanon that Cadence is in her 2-3 hundreds. If she was thirty, she would have fought a changeling hive at the ripe age of three.
8226275
Does Shining know that he's dating a...nevermind. Okay, never heard of a version where Cadance is already that old. Plenty of 'what-if' future stories, but never where she's that old at the wedding. Thanks for clearing that up and not really mentioning it in the story. Also, its 'Cadance', not Cadence. Sorry if that sounded rude.
8226360 Huh, so it is spelled Cadance. Curious, it's not a direct translation of Cadenza from italian to english. Cadence refers to an inflection of the voice, or a rhythm. Just for habit's sake, and because Cadance isn't a real word and my autocorrect will go insane, I will keep using Cadence.
8226242
Yeah, no problem. As a general idea, most of the commas I've told you to remove (if not all) were ones that came before the word "and". This is because you're trying to connect two parts of the sentence with "and", but then try to separate them again with the comma. As long as you take note of that, the number of comma splices that occur should decrease. I think I've got some free time today, so I'll go through the next few chapters later.
The non-response being that she's already royalty, just not Pony royalty, but she doesn't reveal it to be as such.
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8226386
Cadance's name can actually go either way: http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Princess_Cadance
Go to the section titled "Name" (near the top). There's a list of every time she's called either Cadance or Cadence.
8226674
Oh...nevermind then. Its still Cadance to me.
Oh my. Completely different story!
...
I like it!!
I think the rewrite was a good idea. This has a lot more potential paths you could take as opposed to "hey, you guys are changelings now.....so now what?". Good work and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Chapter 4. Let's go.
Holy moly, Luna is edgy as hell.
Oh shit! This is gonna be so much fun to read! My body is so ready.
How does Spike not know Vahan? That's weird.
Holy moly, I'm really loving the new chapters. This has got a lot of potential, a lot more than the previous version. I like it dude.
_____________________________
*there's
*what they are
Comma
Comma
Comma
Comma
Both commas
Comma
*Wait here for Princesses Luna
OR
Wait here while Princesses Luna... because of her actions on the battlefield, arrives?
(Or something similar to end the sentence)
Comma
Check "protege" for accent marks. I don't have internet access right now (I'm just copy pasting these onto a notebook app) and by the time I do I may have forgotten about this.
Comma. Also, do you need the word "his" right here? It hasn't been used like this before, the change is jarring.
I thought that Citlali's was called the Lavender hive?
*whether or not
Comma
This is the only edit not in order
Since you keep calling it The Whitetail Hive here and in the next chapter, I'd suggest changing it here.
8229402 Spike has never seen another changeling outside of himself and Citlali. When changelings are talking to outsiders about their hive, they refer to it by the color, since the name would reveal the location of the hive, and endanger it.
8222932
It's not exposition that's the problem, it's how one goes about doing it. Do it right, and you don't even think about it being exposition. Do it wrong, and it's both jarring and feeling out of place, dull, and usually an information overload. That was part of the problem with the original version, the exposition was being handled very poorly (with all due apologies to the author for my bluntness on that) and worse still, only created more confusion than it resolved. Of all the chapters that had been posted in the original version of this story, it was that part that needed it the most.
8229462
Now, see, that sort of info would have been good to know by this point in the story itself. That's the other unfortunate problem I keep sensing in this story, it's overlooking the little details that help make the universe it's set in feel real and relatable. It gives us a better understanding of the characters and the world they live in and how it all ticks. Plus, the little details are often useful in helping to better understand why things are the way they are.
8231263
This!
That is exactly how I feel about this story!
It is not a terrible story, in fact I quite like it. The only problem is without the details the story feels rushed.
The scene where Celestia and Twilight go back and forth was so short with no real details from either party that much of the emotion that could have been evoked from the scene was lost. I was left feeling confused more than anything else.
Omitting details to add mystery is a valid writing technique of course, but that does not seem like what the author is going for here.
Like I said I still like this story, and I do think it has potential. I just cannot help thinking that it is an abridged version of a much more detailed story.
8714274
8231263
Any ideas on how I can implement this? I agree with that, but I'm not quite sure where or how to do so.
often enough I prefer 20% more talking, 20% less action, 20% more coolness
I mean have you seen some of the stories that go like that :
"Hi Spitfire, oh no the city is in flames I need to go and fight an army of Villains till the end of the chapter" Thatone sentence is something you will usually only see in those stories that has nothing to do with some bad stuff happening.
I kind of hoped they would really talk it out, not that they forgive each other right away but that she would speak with them.
8222932
I think I agree with that, that is if I understand it right, but the talking it out part sounded like it is something I normally prefer too.
8226252
I really hope the Cadance in the bed is Cadance and that the real Cadance isn't another Changeling, for some reason that seems odd.
8829606
Hah! The Cadance in bed is a changeling!
Fool, everyone's a changeling! Even Celestia, and even Luna! HUZZAH! THE CHANGELINGS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!