• Published 9th Sep 2017
  • 3,854 Views, 31 Comments

It's Gonna Get Weird - The Phantom Joker



After his defeat in Grunkle Stan's mind, Bill Cipher finds himself bound to the magical land of Equestria in human form. Needless to say, madness ensues. Can the power of friendship help Bill to reform, or will Equestria fall prey to Weirdmageddon?

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CODE RED!!!!

Inside a small hut in the middle of the Everfree Forest, a female zebra wearing a set of dirt brown robes along with various bits of jewelry was putting together a potion of some kind in a large cauldron. This was Zecora, and she was the only one brave enough to live in this strange forest.

As Zecora continued to work on her potion, adding more ingredients to the mixture, someone knocked on her door.

“I will be with you soon, first I must add the Essence of Moon,” said Zecora, adding the contents of a small, dark blue vial to her mixture before she made her way over to her door and opened it. There, she was greeted by the sight of Princess Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and…

At the sight of Bill Cipher, Zecora cried out as she fell backwards onto her hidequarters and began to scoot herself away from the yellow and black clad being until she hit the far wall of her hut.

“Have you all gone mad?! What you’ve unleashed will bring results far beyond bad!” said Zecora, terror evident in her voice.

The six ponies and dragon all gave Bill looks, to which he just shrugged. “Zecora, what are you talking about?” Princess Twilight asked the zebra on the floor, although she had a pretty good idea what the zebra meant.

“That being in yellow is no ordinary fellow! He is Bill Cipher! A sinister trickster and devious monster!”

“Aww c’mon that's a little unfair dontcha think? I haven't done anything to hurt anyone *cough* yet *cough* so there's no need to be afraid.” Bill moved his head to avoid a small empty bottle thrown at him.

“You are never one to fulfill your promise. How do I know that you are being honest?” The zebra asked with hostility.

“Okay, I'm gonna be serious here for a moment. All I want is to find a way back home, back to Gravity Falls,” Bill said as he floated down to Zecora. “That's all. I have no interest in you or these ponies, all I want is a way back to Gravity Falls.” His voice was now demanding. “I know you know the way back home for me. I have scores to settle back in Gravity Falls, and the sooner I get back there to settle those scores, the sooner I'll be outta your hair, manes, or whatever."

Zecora took a moment to think before she heaved a sigh. “It is true, this crone knows your way back home. However, to this dimension you will be forever bound, until what you lost becomes found,” she said.

Bill nodded in understanding. “Thank you, Zecora,” he said, floating out of the hut, muttering something that sounded like “Now, what exactly did I lose here?”

Twilight and her friends just stared at him as he left, then turned their attention to Zecora.

“What's with him? When we met he was like Discord with a dash of Pinkie Pie, now he's calm and determined. You aren’t a spy of his, are you?” asked Rainbow Dash, glaring suspiciously at Zecora.

Twilight pushed Rainbow back and turned to Zecora. “How do you know so much about him?”

“Stories of my homeland of the traditional kind, speak of a monster who can break an entire world’s mind,” said Zecora, using her fingers to make a triangle over her left eye. “‘When Gravity Falls and the Earth becomes the Sky, beware the beast with just one eye.’”

Twilight and the others gulped and looked amongst themselves in fear of what that Bill character might do to not just Equestria, but the entire WORLD if somepony didn’t keep an eye on him.

Twilight turned to face her friends. “Well, girls, I think we know what we have to do,” she said, her voice full of confidence.

“Go kick that Bill guy’s ass back to whatever hole he crawled out of, right?” Rainbow Dash said, eagerly punching her fist into her open

“We have to go after Bill and help him find his way back home. But, more importantly, we have to keep him from destroying the entire world if it comes down to that,” said Twilight, earning nervous looks from her friends. “Oh, come on, girls. He’s no different than Discord when push comes to shove. We can handle him, I know we can.”

“I wish what you say was true, but an assumption like that you will rue,” said Zecora, shaking her head. “Bill Cipher may act similar to the Chaos God, true, but his power is far greater than him, the Canterlot Royalty, or any of you. And what’s more, keeping him in line will be no easy chore. Bill is not known for his meekness. He only has one true weakness.”

“And, what, pray tell is that flying fashion disaster’s weakness? We’ll need to know it if we’re going to be able to rein him in.” said Rarity, to which the others nodded in agreement.

“I’m afraid the knowledge is not mine. Bill’s weakness has been forever lost to time,” replied Zecora, resulting in a facepalm from the six ponies and the dragon present.

“Well, we may not know what Bill’s weakness is, but I suppose if all else fails we can just get the Elements of Harmony from the Tree and use them against him,” said Twilight, to which the others nodded in agreement. “Now, then, I suppose we should go find him before he destroys a small country or something.”

After saying their goodbyes to Zecora, the six ponies and their dragon assistant headed out for Ponyville in search of Bill Cipher.

So, this Ponyville, thought Bill as he floated through the town, twirling his cane as he checked out the scenery. Very quaint and peaceful, actually. Boy, is THAT gonna change once I-

Bill stopped in mid-thought, having started to pick up chatter from the townsfolk via his telepathy… and it was all about HIM.

What is that big yellow and black creature?

How’s that thing flying without wings?

Is it dangerous?

Let’s follow it!

MUFFINS!

As the chatter inside Bill’s mind began to increase, so did the number of curious ponies that were following him, until, finally, he had at least two herds of whispering two-legged Unicorns, Earth Ponies, and Pegasi following him.

Well, it’d be rude just to ignore them, so I guess I’d better introduce myself! thought Bill before his entire head turned a full 180 degrees to face the crowd following him, causing a few ponies to jump and cry out.

“Hey, everypony! My name’s Bill Cipher, dream demon extraordinaire and Master of The Mind!” Bill said. He turned his body around tipped his hat to them. “Now! I'm sure you're all wondering what I am and what I'm doing here. Well I'm just looking for a place to build my home while I look for something. Don't worry I'm not here to hurt any of you, I may pull the occasional prank now and then but mostly I'll just try and liven things up around here, starting with,” Bill put a finger to his chin in thought, “oh I know!”

He snapped his fingers and the children in the crowd floated into the air. Everyone gasped and glared at the dream demon.

“Give it a second.”

The children started to float about on their own, laughing and smiling as they flew. The townsfolk calmed down and smiled as their children played in the sky. “See? I'm just here to bring a little bit of fun into your lives. Don't think I left all of you out.” With a snap of his fingers all of the grown ups were placed in bouncy castles. A few of them looked unsure, but one decide to have a little bounce and smiled as they relived some childhood memories.

Soon the rest began bouncing and a smile was on every face.

There, that should put me on their good side for now, thought Bill. Looking around he nodded in satisfaction before turning away.

“Hey Bill!” The mane six and Spike had caught up to him and looked around in confusion. “What's going on here?” Twilight asked as she looked around. Bill slowly rose up from the ground behind the group and wrapped an arm around Twilight's shoulder, causing the mare to jump at his sudden appearance.

“Oh I was just floating around when I noticed that things were a bit boring around here, so I decided to give the ponies here a little bit of fun. Looks to me like it's working.” Bill floated up to the front of the group and twirled his cane. “So, what do you lovely ladies and dragon want to do first?”

Twilight looked at him cautiously. “Why don't we show you around?”

“Nah that won't do, I know almost everything, including the layout of the town.”

Twilight then thought for a moment. “How about I show you the ruins of Golden Oaks Library?” Bill shrugged and motioned for the group to take the lead. Smiling at the townsfolk one last time he followed Twilight and company onward, before he floated directly into someone.

“Hey! Watch where you’re-” the creature, known as Discord, who was a mash up of a variety of creatures and wore a brown suit with an ugly yellow tie with brown spots, before he stopped short. Small black dotted lines went from Discord’s eyes directly to Bill. After a few quiet tense moments, Discord screamed and pulled out a walkie-talkie.

“All units, we have a code red! Bill Cipher on the premises!” Discord said into the walkie-talkie as a number of duplicates, most of them wearing tactical gear of various colors appeared out of nowhere, all of them shouting “Code red!” at the top of their lungs.

“All right, boys, follow me!” said a Discord duplicate who was wearing a plaid kilt over his suit before he and other duplicates like him started playing bagpipes and began marching towards Bill.

“Calvary, forward!” ordered a Discord clone who was dressed up like a member of the United States Cavalry and riding a four-legged pony that had a stone gray coat and no mane or tail, who then began leading a horde of similar Discord clones riding similar ponies into battle.

Elsewhere, a group of Discord clones were coming into battle driving what seemed to be giant sword vehicles of some kind. There was one Discord clone who stood atop one of the sword-vehicles.

“Drive me closer! I vish to hit him with my tank!” said the Discord clone with a Russian accent, pulling a tortoise attached to a gyrocopter from out of nowhere.

Huh? How’d I get here?! Tank the Tortoise thought in utter confusion.

“Hey! Give me that!” yelled Rainbow Dash as she zoomed up to the Discord clone and pulled her pet tortoise out of his lion paw and cradling him like he was her child. “Oh, my poor boy…” she said, leaving the Discord clone to shrug and pull out a full-sized tank to use as a melee weapon.

Overhead, a old airplane flew with what appeared to be Discord Paratroopers jumping out of it.

“Geronimo!” yelled one of the Discord Clones.

"Avocado!" yelled the clone who jumped out second.

"Buffalo!" yelled the third Discord clone before he jumped out of the plane.

The fourth Discord clone, who was miniature and dressed up as a buffalo, yelled “Little Strongheart!” before he too jumped out of the plane.

Within a matter of moments, Bill’s entire body was lit up red from various sniper rifles, rocket launchers, and other weaponry pointed at him.

”Do not attempt to move, or we’ll be shooting ourselves!” said a Discord clone through a bullhorn.

“Discord! What the Tartarus are you doing?!” demanded Twilight before a Discord Clone elbowed her back.

“Stay back ladies, this creep’s got a yellow sheet as long as my arm!” the clone said as his arm stretched around the entire world before forming a wall to protect the Mane 6.

“Now, Discy, you aren’t still upset over that little… incident… that happened back home, are you?” Bill Cipher said nervously.

“INCIDENT?! You killed our father!” yelled one of the Discord clones, before the rest of them started shouting off names.

“Our mother!”

“Our sister!”

"Our little brother! He took after you, you know!"

“And let's not forget little Moe with the gimpy leg!”

“And while we're at it, let’s not forget our entire dimension! I literally had to piece myself back together with whatever I could find after what you did!” yelled one of the clones.

"Oh, that's why you look so different. Here I was thinking it was a new haircut," said Bill.

“HOLD ON A SECOND!” yelled Pinkie Pie as everyone turned to look at her. “How exactly do all of you and Bill over there know each other?”

All of the Discord clones turned to glare daggers at Bill before one of them, presumably the original Discord, spoke.

“He’s my brother.”

Everyone turned to look at Rainbow Dash, who was still holding her pet tortoise as he were her newborn foal.

“What? We were all thinking it, I was just saying it,” said Rainbow.

Author's Note:

Well, that was certainly fun! Also, if you can figure out where I got that Code Red bit from, you win all the lint in my pocket. In the meantime, be sure to fave, follow, like, and comment! And remember: dying is easy, comedy is hard!

Comments ( 17 )

Wait, Discord is Bill’s BROTHER?! Oh the possibilities! Alright. You’ve convinced me, I’m sold! But wait, Discord had to piece himself back together with... EWWWWWW! Man, that’s gonna haunt me for awhile.

Discord as Bill's brother is not that surprising but it's still intriguing.

Imagine an adult Dipper showing up there traveling through dimensions, like Ford, to learn more about the multiverse.

Difference is Dipper already knows how to defeat Bill and has experience through hunting down Bill's followers.

Why does everyone assume Bill is more powerful than Discord? Discord has no restrictions on where he can go and can freely open his own portals to other dimensions. Most of the things we've seen Bill do, either we've also seen Discord do them, or they're cruel and nasty enough to be explicitly or implicitly against Discord's morals (Discord, for instance, "doesn't turn ponies to stone" and therefore is unlikely to turn someone into a gold back scratcher; Discord has mutated beavers and bunny rabbits but seems generally unwilling to be nasty enough to rearrange all the holes on someone's face). The one exception -- Discord has never been seen to enter someone else's mind -- is something Luna does all the time.

I mean, Bill's a badass and I wouldn't underestimate him, and the very fact that he's willing to be more ruthless and nasty than Discord would give him an edge in a fight, but to flat out claim, like Zecora did, that Bill is more powerful than Discord, when Bill couldn't cross into the third dimension in the Gravity Falls world without thousands of years of manipulating humans culminating in getting Ford to build him a portal, and Discord rips portals into more-dimensional universes such as the sockpuppet dimension just because he's jealous of his friends' friends... nah, I don't buy it. In my opinion, Discord has fewer physical limitations, but is psychologically limited by not being as sociopathic and ruthless as Bill. So Bill could win in a fight but Discord could run away somewhere Bill can't follow because Bill can't cross into dimensions Discord can get into.

The only critter who can keep up with Bill Cipher has hit the story! Woo! Go Discord! Also, nice use of Aladdin 3 references!

i think someone said something about Adult Dip Dip comin' in with Fordy? well i hope they come in somehow

Great chapter I really enjoyed the call out to Aladdin and the King of Thieves with the Code Red bit.

That was some good writing. All units, we have a Bill Cipher on the premise!

I know where you got the 'red alert' reference.

Original video was deleted, so you will have to deal with this.

8445393

Original video was deleted

Gotcha covered.

The spirit of Robin Williams approves of the Aladdin 3 references!

Pinkie Pie: "If you're Discord's brother AND a dream demon...I just wanna know one thing."

Bill: "Yeah?"

Pinkie Pie: "Do you prefer cupcakes or cucumber sandwiches?" :pinkiehappy:

Loves this chapter

Comment posted by hades21 deleted Jun 25th, 2021

Please update!!!! This is literally amazing!!!

Spit take moment.

Wonder what is planned next?

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