Starswirl the Bearded, one of the greatest unicorn wizards and creator of the amniomorphic spell, has had a rather controversial life. He fought the power and even tried to clear the differences between the three races of ponies. However, this unicorn was never one to share his personal motivations or reasons: He worked for the greater good.Yet, what happens when we look deeper into his story? This is where you will find out how a colt with exceeding magical talent attempts to excel in a world where only unicorn mares are entitled to the rights of magic and sorcery. You will discover the reasons for this pony's several acomplishments and how the pony became a legend.
Chapters (3)
The picture of young Star Swirl intrigues me... It makes me think of all the adventures he had at Twilight's age.
884958
You'll see that eventually ^^
885015 Hopefully. I was wondering if you had any references to G1, regarding those bells... A certain Goat-Lord of Darkness comes to mind: http://villains.wikia.com/wiki/Grogar
885051
Although the bells are also evident on the show's suit for this pony, Grogar is indeed referenced. I haven't gotten to that part, but the fun part about playing with ambiguous world-building is that you can do stuff like that!
Of course, he was a stallion: There was not much else he could do without the magical superiority unicorn mares had been graced with.
I would suggest: He was a stallion, there was not much else he could do without the magical superiority that unicorn mares had been graced with.
‘If only it had been them with the power to raise the sun,’ thought the mare, annoyed, ‘Stomphorn would have been a wonderful king, and would have embraced me as his equal.’
I would suggest: ‘If only it had been they with the power to raise the sun,’ thought the mare, annoyed, ‘Stomphorn would have been a wonderful king, and would have embraced me as his equal.’
One day, when visiting the Palace on request of Princess Silver Rain, she met his personal guard, Stomphorn.
I would suggest: One day, when visiting the Palace on request of Princess Silver Rain, she met her personal guard, Stomphorn.
Needless to say, the two unicorns soon started going out in secret to the Palace Gardens and spend their time there.
I would suggest: Needless to say, the two unicorns soon started going out in secret to the Palace Gardens and spent their time there.
Eventually, because of her insistent nature, Ruby Star talked the Princess into handing over that particular guard to serve as a bodyguard for Splinter.
Her who? You should specify here. It sounds like Ruby Star is being insistent, but it would make more sense for Splinter Star to be.
She often felt regret, but there was a certain something that, no matter when she decided to look, she had to smile and regain hope.
I would suggest: Splinter Star often felt regret at her decisions. Regardless, there was a certain something that she had to smile and regain hope, no matter when she decided to look upon it.
“Starswirl, time for breakfast!” she exclaimed, as the two bowls swiftly made their way across the air toward the round wooden table.
I would suggest: “Starswirl, time for breakfast!” she exclaimed, as the two bowls swiftly made their way through the air towards the round wooden table.
This should also be the start of a new paragraph.
The tall unicorn mare gracefully took a seat on a purple cushion with golden lining: Ruby Star’s present from her last birthday.
I would suggest: The tall unicorn mare gracefully took a seat on a purple cushion with golden lining, Ruby Star’s present from her last birthday.
This post is getting long, if you want me to do this for the rest of the chapter, I can send it to you in a message. Also, indent the beginning of each paragraph and make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks.
I await your next chapter.
885299
Hey there!
Thank you for the criticism. I'd be glad if you could send whatever else you've corrected to me, as it will help me get better. It's the first time I've written a fan fiction, and anything else has been pure schoolwork.
So, thank you very much!
the pic drives me to read, i must read later!
885963
Thanks!
I fixed it!
I may not contribute anything to the editing of this chapter, but I ask that this story be continued.
Also, I could be a prereader/editor if you want. I would only look for grammatical and spelling errors, leaving the story largely untouched.
love the story keep up the good work
will track
886715
Hey, thanks for offering your help. If you'd do me the favor, I'll forward the second chapter to you as soon as it's finished.
Awesome! I have fallen in love with your story so far. I really like your take on the societal differences that the races have. Keep up the good work.
It feels like the story is too rushed.
The story feels far too rushed, and I don't find myself getting into the story very much.
On a brighter note: I like the societal differences displayed here. Revolves around my headcanon.
902443
Thank you for your feedback! I'll try to grow better as the story progresses.
903880 No problem!
Eager to see more!
Would you like a funny video?
903885
Okay...?
903907 Don't know if this will interest you.
Watch the mouths in conjunction with the dub.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=414TmP12WAU&list=FLumFJ7sXjhbE4I5CO7J5Yow&index=1&feature=plpp_video
♫Spacing is your friend~!♫
Also: A random ancestor appears! We get backstory... No follow up yet!
...
What? Well, I guess we'll see!
973932
It seems my spacing broke when I imported it from Google Docs. Fixed now!
976179 Awesome.
So is Razzle old or does he just have an accent?
980394
Accent ^^
This is shaping up to be a really good story. I can't wait for more.
I like this story, I'm interested in seeing where it's going!
And I really like your portrayal of Starswirl's mother.
Have you ever read "Bambi", by chance? (The original by Felix Salten, not Disney's interpretation.) Young Starswirl reminds me a lot of Bambi, who also enjoyed peppering his mother with questions.