- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Monday
LegionofPony
I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.
LegionofPony
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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You sold me on the tons of cuddling part.
You know what, just for derailing the wedding like this. Instant fav. Not sure I'll stick around for the whole story. But I at least liked this chapter.
That is a long list of kinks... Where do I sign up?!
The second half isn't bad. From the fourth chapter on, it gets pretty interesting. Not exactly sex you can get lost in since the activity is interrupted multiple times for exposition, but it does have some erotic tones, is decently described, and a nice moment between the two characters.
The first half, however, is kind lacking. The fact that the story was originally created as a picture series comes through, although I would have guessed comic. There is practically no descriptive details. A minimal amount of information on character and location, then a large amount of dialogue. It ends up coming across as though we are supposed to somehow see what is happening and reading the dialogue. It could definitely benefit from some fleshing out.
Welcome back!
And what a welcome it is...
This was kind of...bland? I don’t know, it just strikes me as really forced.
Interesting read, but I really wished that Shining gets an ovaposation up his plot. Still a nice read.
Interesting in concept, but the white void dialogue feels very forced and expositiony. The right words are mostly there, but it all feels flat and emotionless, what with barely any narration to provide context.
8714441
Cuddling!? Someone call the police on this disgusting animal.
Cadance is evil XD
ovipositor fellatio
That bothers me, but I will give this a read anyway, here's to hoping I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Ah, that explains the... interesting writing. Still, the concept it good, and so I will keep at it!
Huh... i have a similar story Oo Also alternative take on the Canterlot one...
Guess i have to upload it here some day! [or at least link it :p]
To be fair: how couldn't you see Chrysi being superior? Shape-Shifter! Queen! Sassy and has aher own army for pony sake!!
Cadance competing against that one? HA....... not even in one of Luna's dreams..... not by a long shot :3
8714441 Cuddles are always nice.
8714479 Glad you liked that scene at least. Thanks for giving it a chance!
8715445 Just press the hyperlink for the first chapter!
8715479
8716255
8716466
8717166
Yeah, I started with what was basically a rough storyline written in bad English that I had to sort through to make this. I had no visual reference (the pics were based off the story, which in turn was based off the storyline, not the other way around) so actually visualizing things, as well as depicting them while sticking to the script, was harder than expected. I'll probably update it at least slightly now that I have the pictures as a visual reference.
8715815 Thanks!
8716298 Maybe next time, but probably not.
8716514 I know, right?
8716603 She's not evil, just very blunt.
8717183 I'd be interested in reading that.
Chrysalis fan may I be, but I have enough hate for this story at this point to give it a dislike.
And that's even if we skip over all it's flaws which are a plenty and more than enough on their own.
Seems very forced and rather jumping the gun here, not much of a scene to paint with so much dialogue. Would have been better if this was a bit more personal between the two after such an event to be honest.
8718110 Care to specify some, despite the ones that have already been pointed out?
8718111 I was writing based on a basic outline of the story, most dialogue included. I didn't want to deviate from the commissioner's original vision too much.
Link in Mail
Enjoy
Why is there a "Death" tag on this story? Did I miss a character dying in the story?
8718110
Same here, wow that story is so bad.
I though its only was first chapter to get over introduction and go with the real story but no. A lot of problem starting from pacing to even editing of text itself.
8719032
its for the changelings that died upon hitting the ground
8719757
ooooh.
Oh come on now I think it's gray story, the changelings get to live in Equestria
and I give it a 10
Wow good story.
8719032
8719757
8720320 Yep.
8719525 Care to specify what exactly is wrong with the pacing or editing? Can you give examples to prove your point and so I can fix them?
8721502
8722656 Thanks, glad you liked it!
8719525
Yeah, a little exposition to set up the setting is one thing. So far this is almost nothing but, though!
Don't TELL us Sunbutt, Moonie, and Chryssie came to an understanding. Write the actual scene and SHOW it to us! That could be a chapter all itself.
And now it's weird. *closes tabs*
Not my thing. Bye.
Some repetitive words, a broader vocabulary would brighten the story some, though I believe this would have offered more to the reader if there were accounts of Chrysalis's past failures such as other invasions or what lead to starvation in great detail. As for Shining Armor, not too much of a fan of his dialogue.
The scenario works, but... panties? Rather unnecessary. Chrysalis seems to have regressed quite a bit however, leaves to wonder how long she was queen and who was queen before her. Would add flavor to the coming scene between her and Shining, like pepper sauce on a nice dish. An aged mare of Changelings who fought to help her kind for years, decades, centuries, longer? How haggard is her heart from taking up the mantle of Queen when all she wanted as to attain love as her species requires, but perhaps just wants a constant supply to which they might foster in return?
8727555 Well, I was on a word and time limit, so some things were cut down to make room for the sex scenes...as well as the huge amount of dialogue that was included in the original.
8727576 Well, sorry to hear that. There are tags included in the description that outline all kinks/contents, however.
8731321 This story was focused more on Shining and Chryssie's relationship more than the backstory of Chryssie and the Changeling race. Not a bad suggestion, just not what I was commissioned for.
8731338 Again, Chryssie's and her mother's past weren't the focus of this story. Basically, Chryssie was always a mare who just wanted to live the life of a common changeling, but was forced into rulership by birthright. She made a terrible leader for the short while since her mother died, leading to her kind almost starving to death, as well as not laying eggs to further develop her colony given the lack of love to develop and feed the eggs. She invaded to try to steal the love her and her kin so desperately needed, and obviously failed spectacularly. Now, with her Changelings taken care of diplomatically by Equestria, maybe Chryssie can focus on expanding her hive's numbers, as well as actually finding happiness as Shining Armor's marefriend.
8727576
There were warnings on the cover page so it's your own fault.
I would imagine Cadance being quite mean to her, at least for a little while because of what she did.
The fact that later on it is mentioned she was down ther for 3 months, the fact she isn't dead is amazing.
8767479
If you read the next chapter, it's revealed that Chryssie was keeping her fed and watered, if just, and therefore alive, in those three months' imprisonment.
8751906
I quote, from earlier in the chapter:
She forgave her, so vindictive actions would be completely out of place.
Cadence is probably like "where's the broom?"
Time to find the best bug waifu.
This was alright. Things go a bit too well for the changeling integration I think, but alright. And Chryssi a a touch too ashamed of her own appearance (a common enough trope though, just one I'm not a huge fan of. It does lead to some sweet scenes in various stories from time to time though, so I don't outright dislike it).
damn that took a real sharp turn lmao
Hmm. Good story but I would also like to read about Shining riding her ovipositor. I mean, when you love someone you give yourself completely to them. And if your girl has penis - well...
9467570
Thanks, did that.
Good story, Loved anatomically correct ones, my cup of tea
Also Hi Vavacung!
Huh.
This story reminds me on of mine... Neat ^^
Cadence is overrated!... And evil
Heh, double twist!
Hehe what a troll...
Well good, now that there's going to be an effective love surplus, mass production can begin!
Silly Shining, where you gonna put it?
8714441
Cuddles are best!