Case Six, Chapter Eleven: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
The falling snow glowed and twinkled in the morning light, taunting Silvertongue by always dancing away from his barred window. He sat on the bunk in his one-pony cell, staring out the window at the gray sky. He wore the gray coveralls and magic-disabling bracelet that marked him as an inmate of Frostback Prison. He had traded his richly decorated walls for close, crumbling brick with peeling gray paint.
Turning, Silvertongue glanced out his closed cell door. Several other inmates were milling about the dayroom, chattering with one another and playing cards under the watchful eye of the unit officer. He caught a group of ponies looking towards him, smirks on every one of their faces; when they saw him looking back, they turned away. One of them, a small, scrawny unicorn whispered something to his companions and all three of them laughed.
Bile flooded Silvertongue’s veins. How dare they laugh at him! He was Charles August Silvertongue, the King of Ponyville, Lord of the Underworld, and no one insulted him with impunity! He was…
...powerless. He was in a cell in a prison, surrounded by the lowlifes who had once groveled at his hooves, whom he had controlled, kept in check. His magic disabled, his money unavailable, his bodyguards no longer at his sides, and the power of secrets that he had wielded with impunity was denied to him.
He gritted his teeth. Damn the prison! Damn Cold Case and her honest lackeys! Damn Phillip Finder! And damn Daring Do! If it cost him every bit he had, if he had to claw with his bare hooves, he would—
“Silvertongue?”
Silvertongue looked up at the door. A thestral corrections officer with a nametag that read “Guide” stood at the doorway with an envelope. “Letter for you,” he said, holding it out.
Silvertongue took the letter and scanned the typewritten address, rejoicing to find that it was from his attorney. He ripped the letter open, ignoring Officer Guide’s compulsory statement of “Happy Hearth’s Warming.” Unfolding the letter within, he paused in confusion to find that the letter was written in swirling cursive ink instead of the usual curt typewritten lines. The confusion turned to fury as he read the message.
Dear Silvertongue,
Happy Hearth’s Warming! I do hope that you are enjoying your new accommodations as well as you can; I have heard that Frostback has a bit of a cockroach problem, though one would think that the cold would keep them under control.
I suppose right about now, you are sitting in your cell, wondering where it all went wrong, pondering just how a king such as you could fall from grace so hard and so fast. I will give you a very clear explanation for those questions: your fate was sealed the moment you decided to defy me.
When I came to you last year and explained who I was and who I represented, I had hoped that I could count on your assistance. Instead, it seems that years of complacency under the rule of the false goddesses has made you fat, selfish, and lazy. You attempted to maneuver yourself into a position that you did not earn, a position above mine. You threatened me to my face with blackmail and sabotage and demanded more than you had earned. We had thought you reliable and trustworthy during the War, but it seems that that trust was misplaced; at the end of the day, you are just another criminal.
And like all criminals, you have earned your rightful punishment. And now, what was once yours is now mine. Mine and my master’s. We shall put it to far better use than you ever did.
XOXO,
Scarlet Letter.
P.S. Oh, by the way, the paper that you’re holding now was treated with a special potion. When activated by water—for example, sweat—it causes anything it touches to quickly dissolve into ashes. And I might have made it a bit too potent. You should be noticing the effects any moment now, so I do hope you’re a fast reader.
No sooner had Silvertongue finished this sentence than the paper he held, along with the envelope it had come in, began to rapidly dissolve into ashes. He watched in mingled shock and fury as his enemy’s taunt vanished before his eyes.
The shock quickly overwhelmed the fury when he noticed that his hooves were dissolving into ashes as well: in seconds, as though being eaten away by invisible piranha, his skin was crumbling away, followed by the muscles and the bones. An acrid scent grew in his nostrils as his hooves, then his forelegs crumbled away before his eyes, smoke wafting off of the vanishing limbs; the numbness, the sudden loss of all sensation that spread up his body was more terrible than any pain. Horror gripped his chest in its icy embrace, and by the time he thought to scream, his forelegs were already completely gone, and the potion ate away at him at an increasing speed.
His screams dissolved into gurgles, then silenced as the potion ate away at the walls of his throat; the skin on his sides vanished, exposing his ribs. He collapsed onto the mattress as the muscles on his back disappeared. He heard the first cries from the other inmates just as his lower jaw was vanishing into the ever-growing pile of ashes on his bunk, followed by the running hoofsteps of the unit officer.
The last thought Silvertongue had in the brief span of a second before his brain dissolved was to wonder if this is what Hell would be like.
“Go on, open it,” Daring said, shoving the wrapped package towards Phillip from across the dining table.
“Can I at least finish breakfast first?” Phillip smiled wearily, his pancake-loaded fork halfway to his mouth.
“You have breakfast every day, Hearth’s Warming only comes once a year. C’mon,” Daring urged.
Sighing, Phillip set his fork down and took the package. He tore off the hastily-applied silver wrapping paper and opened the box. His eyebrows raised as he examined his prize. Inside was a small set of black folding binoculars, the lenses tinted a faint green color.
“Found those in an outdoor gear shop,” Daring said. “They’re practically indestructible, can see almost a hundred and twenty meters, and have night vision and a built-in compass.”
“Ripper!” Phillip enthused, holding the binoculars up to his eyes. “Thanks, Daring.”
“Happy Hearth’s Warming,” Daring smiled. “Now I get to open mine!” She dashed over to the small fake tree that Phillip had set up in the corner of the living room and snatched up the wide, flat box wrapped in red and green paper beneath it.
“You wanted me to have my present just so you could open yours guilt-free?” Phillip asked, smirking.
“No judging,” Daring said, unwrapping the present and opening the box. “Oooh,” she breathed, taking out the hoof-carved boomerang inside. The edges were perfectly smoothed, and the walnut brown was varnished to a high polish.
“Carved that myself,” Phillip said. “I’ll teach you how to throw it. In time, you’ll be able to infuse the wood with your magic, and it’ll obey you.”
“Thank you, Phil,” Daring said, walking back over to him and leaning down. He turned and they shared a kiss that tasted of maple syrup.
At that moment, there was a knocking at the door. Sighing, Phillip got off his chair and walked to the front door, opening it wide and causing the bells on the wreath mounted to the front to jingle.
“Package for Mister Finder,” the delivery burro standing on the step chirped, holding out a clipboard. Phillip signed on the dotted line, and the burro handed him a brown paper package in return, departing with a tip of the hat and a “Happy Hearth’s Warming.”
Phillip examined the package. His address was written on the top in pale red ink that formed swirling cursive. There was a return address for a condo in the Financial District, but there was no name. There didn’t need to be one: he recognized that writing.
“Scarlet,” Daring hissed, entering the front hallway. “What’s she want this time?”
“We’ll find out,” Phillip said, finishing his examination of the exterior. He carefully peeled off the paper, revealing a plain box. He opened up the box to find a hardcover book sitting inside. The cover of the book showed a side view of a golden unicorn mare with white-gold hair in a trenchcoat and scarlet fedora walking down a snow-covered sidewalk, her expression contemplative. The store window next to her was decorated with lights and hanging mistletoe, but the reflection showed not her, but a dark brown earth pony stallion in a dark cloak with a reddish-brown mane and beard, wearing a masquerade-type mask over his eyes and a smirk on his face as he looked over at the mare. The Mistletoe Masquerade read the title in raised golden letters, and at the bottom was the author’s name: Scarlet Letter.
Daring snatched up the book, and as she did so, a note fell out of the pages. Phillip read it:
As I promised, an advance copy, as a thank you for everything you’ve done. Happy Hearth’s Warming!
XOXO,
Scarlet.
P.S. Five seconds this time.
And sure enough, no sooner had Phillip finished reading the message than the note burst into flames and crumbled away into ashes.
Daring flipped to the back of the book and read the About the Author blurb on the jacket:
Born in Prance, Scarlet Letter discovered a love of writing as a young filly. Graduating magna cum laude from Amore University in 1934 with a degree in literature, she spent the next several years traveling Equestria and beyond as a freelance writer, producing a few short stories and novels under various pen names. The Mistletoe Masquerade represents her first foray into writing novels as her primary career. She currently lives in Ponyville. Scarlet enjoys fine wine, chocolate, poetry, and walking in the rain.
“Plus, murder, robbery, and blackmail,” Daring snarled, tossing the book into the trash can. “Smugfaced fucking little—”
The phone rang, interrupting her. Phillip answered it. “Finder and Do.”
“Phil, you need to get down here,” Trace’s voice filtered over the phone. “There’s a multiple murder that you need to be at.”
“Where?” Phillip asked, detecting a disappointed sigh from Daring in the background. Trace gave them an address in the Dockside District. “Be there ASAP.” He hung up. “Daring?”
“The vacation time on this job sucks,” Daring grumbled, tossing on her neck warmer and hat. The two of them stepped out onto the snow-covered front porch. Taking Phillip beneath the forelegs, Daring spread her wings and lifted off into the air, headed south.
The address turned out to be a warehouse near the riverbank. Patches of ice atop the black water floated past the attached dock. Several cruisers and unmarked vehicles were already sitting outside the warehouse, including the coroner’s van. As Phillip and Daring landed, the dark blue pickup truck labeled “Police CSU” pulled up to the curb and stopped. Doctor Suunkii and Twilight Sparkle climbed out of the cab and began to gather equipment out of the back of the truck, their expressions grim.
“This can’t be good,” Daring muttered as they approached the door, which had been broken open. The crime scene tape stretched across the doorway flapped in the breeze.
Trace Evidence was waiting on the other side of the tape, which he lifted up as they approached. “Hell of a Hearth’s Warming gift,” he commented, leading them down a short hallway to another door. “It’s in there,” he nodded.
Phillip and Daring entered, and immediately stopped, staring in disbelief. They were in a small room that was likely meant to be used as an office. There were a dozen chairs in the room, all of them facing the door. In each sat a corpse, their postures slumped and mouths hanging ghoulishly open, necks red with dried blood that had poured from their slit throats. But what made the detectives’ breakfast lurch in their stomachs was the fact that each and every one of the corpses was missing their eyes: the empty, ragged, blood-stained holes stared at them as they entered, seeming to speak of pain and shock even from beyond the grave. In a bizarre additional detail, each of the bodies had a bright red bow and gift tag tied around their neck, as though they were presents.
“Each of them was caught off-guard and had their throats cleanly slit,” Doctor Mortis was explaining as she studied the empty eyeholes of a griffon’s corpse. “It looks like it was from in front, most likely by a right-hooved pony. Based on the lack of defensive wounds and other injuries, I think that the eyes were removed post-mortem. I can say with confidence that none of them died here, though. And all of them were killed sometime last night.”
“Recognize any of them?” Trace asked, slipping into the room behind them. Daring took the opportunity to slip back out, dry heaving.
“I do,” Phillip said, his voice unusually low. “They’re all high ranking members of local gangs. Nightmare Moon Disciples, Mareish Mob, Whitestone’s Crew, the Sinalope Cartel…”
“Check the tags,” Trace told him.
Phillip bent down and read the tag attached to the bloodied neck of a male griffon.
TO: Phillip Finder
FROM: An admirer
Happy Hearth’s Warming, my love!
“So whose meeting is this, anyway?” Whitestone snarled, pacing in a small circle around the round table. The snowy wind rattled at the third-floor windows of the building they were in, an office and business center in the Industrial District, its unrented rooms showing the first signs of neglect: the circular table and chairs were the only furniture in the room, the paint on the walls was peeling, and only one lamp, situated above the table, was functional.
“Not mine,” Coin Toss grunted, tossing a coin to himself. His two bodyguards stood close behind him, eyeing the other occupants of the room, the heads of what remained of Ponyville’s criminal underworld. “If somepony’s codding us, they’re rooting for a kneecapping.”
“Cap’n, we should just go,” Roaring growled, fingering the cutlass at his hip. “None of these mules are worth—”
“Well, this is some party,” a loud voice proclaimed. A turquoise unicorn with red hair strode into the room. He had shaved off the mustache and replaced his old uniform for a black jacket, but his cutie mark of three red stars was more than familiar.
“Should’ve known,” Coin Toss scowled. “The new eejit head of the Nightmare Moon Disciples, come to throw shapes around.”
“Hey, I earned my place here,” Star Cluster snarled, shoving his face into Coin Toss’. Both of Coin’s bodyguards raised their pistols.
“Earned it after you lost your badge,” Whitestone snarled. “And no surprise there, what with you flaunting your wealth about like some two-bit whore on the docks showing off her shriveled, tiny pussy.”
Star Cluster sneered at her. “Speaking from experience, captain birdbrain?”
“Nopony talks about the captain like that!” Roaring roared, lunging at Star Cluster and drawing two of his cutlasses. The blades swiped through the air, narrowly missing Star’s neck as he ducked and leaped out of range, using his magic to draw two pistols from his jacket. The other occupants of the room all jumped out of range, many of them drawing their own weapons in a chorus of clicking hammers.
“Halt!” a voice barked, and suddenly everypony froze, their bodies surrounded by a golden glow. A pony walked into the room, his black eyes flicking about at the visitors through the haze of smoke from his cigarette.
“Zugzwang,” Whitestone glared.
“There is no need for this violence,” Zugzwang announced, deactivating his paralysis spell. Everypony slowly stood down, holstering their guns. Roaring sheathed his swords last, still glaring at Star Cluster.
“This is my meeting," Zugzwang declared. "Mine and my new partner’s.”
A light pink unicorn mare walked gracefully into the room, smirking and flicking ashes from the cigarette in her holder; behind her walked a tall dark red unicorn mare, glaring around at everypony. A BAR was slung over her shoulder, and a pistol sat at each hip, the belt tight around her round belly. “Enchantée, Messieurs et mesdemoiselles,” the pink unicorn said, bowing slightly. “I am Scarlet Letter.”
Several ponies stiffened at the mention of her name. “And you’re our new bosses?” Star Cluster asked.
“I know that it was not long ago that you all considered myself an enemy,” Scarlet said politely. “However, I believe that the best way to destroy one’s enemies is to make allies of them.”
“No one in this room had any love for the late SIlvertongue,” Zugzwang declared. A slow ripple of confusion ran through the room as ponies noticed his wording. “He was a fool, a coward, and a bully. Frau Letter and I are neither.” He took a slow drag on his cigarette and blew out a cloud.
“Let me explain the situation. You all will continue your business as usual, and you will receive our assistance: weapons, money, information, and plans. In return, you will grant us a quarter of your spoils, as well as leave your ponies at our disposal.”
A soft, intrigued murmur ran through the room: this deal was by far more generous than Silvertongue’s demands of a full forty percent for minimal assistance.
“However, there will be limits,” Scarlet added. “No prostitution. No slave trading. And no selling drugs to foals. If any of you harm a single hair on a child’s head, that pony dies.”
“That’s a generous offer,” Whitestone said, ruffling her wings. “But why exactly should we follow you?”
Zugzwang lit up his horn and a wrapped present floated into the room, borne by a golden aura, and set itself on the table. Everypony stared at it warily. “Go on, open it,” Zugzwang said.
Roaring grunted and stepped forward, tearing the wrapping away and opening the box. The gathered ponies looked into the box, then reeled away in shock.
“Those were your lieutenants,” Zugzwang stated. “That took me three hours. Do you want to see what we can do in twenty-four?” He flicked his cigarette onto the floor. “Let me be clear. We are not asking you to work for us. We are ordering you to.”
And with that, the trio vanished in a flash of golden light, leaving the cowed gang leaders standing in the room, staring at the gift box full of eyeballs.
On the rooftop of the building opposite, the three ponies reappeared in a brief flash. Smiling, Scarlet turned to Zugzwang and held out her cigarette.
“What do you think, Frau Letter?” Zugzwang asked, pulling out a lighter and lighting her cigarette with it.
“Le Roi est mort,” Scarlet grinned, puffing on her cigarette as she stared up into Zugzwang’s empty black irides. “Vive le Roi.”
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Well, at least it's not as bad as Short Skirts and her endings... But god damn! Masterful work Josh, and a masterful story overall. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter -The Bricklayer.
This has been a great story and I look forward to reading the others in the series. Unfortunately I have had to read these two chapters in the public library as my home computer broke down last week. I haven't heard a word from the repair shop and don't yet know if it can be fixed at all. If not, I don't know when I'll have a home computer again. And that's a shame, as reading these when they come out (instead of checking once or twice a week) is the greatest thing about the Internet.
I hope to be following you again from home soon.
When I first started reading this, I had no idea what I was getting into.
Who knew that a noir story featuring Daring Do would end up being such a nail-biting, action packed read for me?
You've done a smashing job with this story, and I definitely look forward to Volume Two!
9054000
I hope that your computer is fixed soon as well! And thank you for the compliments!
9054068
I did my best to please, and I seem to have succeeded! Thank you for the praise, and I am glad that you enjoyed!
A truly amazing story. Well done and I look forward to more!
9056802
Unfortunately, as I have been without a computer for over two weeks now (and it looks as if I may never get it back), I have no idea what you're talking about. I'll have to PM you IF I ever get another computer.
9079074
That's really cool! I didn't know that
That's pretty damn cool
This story, was amazing! And you are very good at wrenching certain feelings out of people. Shock, disgust, happiness, sadness, etc.
Do Zugzwang and Scarlet become lovers? Does the underground ring become stronger? Is the killer a
Cereal Killer? (Sherlock joke
)
Finished the story! Definitely going on my favorites. Can’t wait for the next installment!
9145099
Glad you liked, it, and thank you for the watch and fave! I certainly hope you enjoy the sequel when it comes out!
9182765
Have you thought about getting demotion grade plaster?
9179377
I'm actually glad you commented on that chapter, because it gave me an idea to rewrite that chapter a bit to make Rarity a bit more in character. Thanks!
Finally got around to rereading this one and actually finishing it this time... you did not disappoint. It was (imo) a perfect level of descriptive the whole way through and I immensely enjoyed the character interactions/development. About the only complaint I have (if I can even call it that) is that some of the action scenes/fights confused me a bit. They were well-written but many didn't feel like they were written with much (if any) consideration for it quadrupeds/quadrupedal anatomy in mind... that said it doesn't bother me overmuch given that I know firsthand just how difficult it is to account/implement that sort of thing in any effective capacity.
tl;dr
Remarkable story that I enjoyed immensely and look forward to more of. 8.5/10, would suggest to everyone.
edit: This story is criminally under-viewed/rated. Sad day.
9204479
Thank you so much for the thought! Words can't describe how happy I am to hear that a writer of your standing and quality liked this story, and considers it undervalued (personally, I think it's overrated!).
I know that the fight scenes weren't really written for a quadruped, but writing this way, imagining them working bipedal, was just easier for me to visualize and describe.
Volume 2 will be out soon, once I finish writing Case One and the cover art comes through. I hope you're looking forward to it!
Will Auizotil and/or Dr. Caballeron appear in this story series?
9275298
In the distant future.
This review is brought to you by A for Effort.
Review of Ponyville Noire Volume 1: Tales of Two Private Eyes.
Note 1: To potential readers of this fic, this review contains unmarked spoilers. This is your only warning.
Note 2: This review was first made in February 3, 2019. The story may have been edited since then.
Review proper
Grammar
As stated in my personal guidelines for this review group, I’m not as strict as the other reviewers when it comes to grammar. A quick survey of the first five chapters of this story—about sixteen thousand words—revealed about six grammar errors. This might seem like a lot, but remember: a story automatically fails in this group if it has ten grammar errors for every one thousand words: a fraction less than one-tenth of the grammar threshold. All in all, not much to say. Impressive work.
Verdict: 9.75/10
Prose and Writing Style
Throughout the entirety of the fanfic, the prose has a raw visceral tone to it. No word is wasted. Details are told concisely, but vividly: befitting of a mystery of Noire Volume 1’s caliber. This is especially evident when the prose describes the aftermaths of crimes, when the police are securing the area with crime scene tape and the coroner examines the body. Enough grisly detail is given to place the reader into the scene, and more often than not, it’s an appropriate level of detail—not too little and not too much. The descriptions of locales in the fanfic is also no slouch; they can go on for a tad too long for my taste, but it’s not as big of a problem. Reading PJ’s writing puts you in the experience; you really feel like you’re a bystander looking at a crime scene.
Sure, the writing can get a tad robotic at times, but this is less an issue of the author and more a natural consequence with using third person omniscient, which tends to feel a little drier than third person limited. (Yes, even if your omniscient narrator only gets inside the heads of a few select characters, it’s still an omniscient narrator if the narrator “switches” characters within the same scene.) Besides, the prose becomes far less robotic when Case 6 rolls around, with the omniscient narrator acquiring a more distinctive voice, so I’m not complaining. Whatever the case, the end result is the same: writing that is thrilling and captivating…as far as non-action scenes are concerned.
The action scenes in Noire Volume 1, however, tend to fall flat because the prose doesn’t take advantage of paragraph spacing and sentence length to establish tone, tension, and pacing. Sentences and paragraphs generally have the same average length throughout Noire Volume 1—that is, fairly long. This is fine in calmer scenes like heart-to-heart conversation, but action scenes suffer quite a bit because they call for short, choppy sentences and paragraphs to create an underflow of urgency. You’re writing a story, not a medical textbook. It’s okay to have one-sentence or even one-word paragraphs. Treat sentence paragraph lengths like musical tempo, and you’ll have an extra tool you can use to set the pacing of your writing apart from fancy words.
You can even apply this to non-action scenes too.
If you isolate “Sombra” into a one-sentence paragraph, you can draw attention to it and make your pacing a lot better.
Another example.
This is better as “‘Wait till he comes out, then follow him—’ A cruiser stopped on the curb.” The interruption is better punctuated by a short sentence or, even better, a paragraph break.
Speaking of things that go on for too long, there’s the descriptions of the characters. Not only is inappropriately long character description more common in Noire Volume 1 than inappropriately long locale description, but it’s also clumsier. The descriptions of characters would often be crammed into the same paragraph where the characters were being introduced. It was to the point where I ended up skimming those paragraphs because I was more interested in what Character A was doing rather than what Character A looks like. This is exemplified in a heist in Case 3. During a tense moment where Daring is sneaking around an office building, the story grinds to a halt just to describe a very minor character walking into Daring’s path. It also doesn’t help that the descriptive sentences for characters tend to use weak verbs like “be,” “have,” and “featured” instead of actions verbs (eg. “The unicorn’s purple mane flowed in the wind.”).
I get it: in a noir, your characters need to be observant of everyone at first glance, and the author was probably going for the Sherlock Scan route. But spreading out the physical descriptions of the characters around the conversation—preferably in the sequence the viewpoint character notices the other characters’ traits—will help convey characters’ appearances without slowing the story down too much.
I’ll give the author credit, though: when he explicitly makes a Sherlock Scan scene, cramming characters’ descriptions in the beginning works. The tavern scene in Case 3 Chapter 2, where Phillip Finder tells Daring Do to observe the patrons, is a great example. The aforementioned “flaw” becomes a positive because in that scene, it makes in-universe sense for the characters’ descriptions to be crammed in the beginning.
That scene in general is also fantastic—great dialogue, great plot progression. But we will get to those in the later sections.
There’s a few more minor issues with the prose, such as redundancies, violations of show-vs-tell, and grammatically-correct-but-nonetheless-inappropriate parentheses usage. Come to think of it, most if not all of the prose issues are minor. I know it doesn’t seem that way because I’m devoting more paragraphs explaining what’s wrong rather than what’s right, but rest assured that’s more of a personal thing on this reviewer’s part. It’s a lot easier for me to deconstruct flaws than to point out positives, even if those positives outweigh the negatives. That’s a trend you’ll be seeing throughout this review.
Overall, apart from some minor localized issues and a couple of more “encompassing” problems, the writing style is more than serviceable—it’s excellent.
Verdict: 8.33/10
Plot and Concept
“A private investigator OC takes Daring Do as an apprentice and they fight crime together.” How does this premise stack up in its execution?
Pretty good, I must say, barring several minor dents and the very, very rare major-ish plot holes.
But first, the positives.
When it comes to pacing, Noire Volume 1 nails it. The way events unfold is not only logical, but it also supports the roller coaster of emotion and suspense throughout the entire plot. Each case represents a milestone in everypony’s character arcs. Consider the large number of characters in Noire Volume 1, and the fact that this fanfic is a mystery, a genre that is mind-numbingly difficult to write in. The fact that PJ can create a passable coherent narrative at all, much less an excellent narrative, is an accomplishment in and of itself.
There is a bump in Noire Volume 1’s otherwise perfect pacing, however. It’s not even a big, story-breaking bump—we’ll get to that later. It’s more of a preference on my end.
Personally, I would have preferred Daring’s subplot in Case 3, where she betrays Philip and reconnects with her former Family members, take place in Case 4. As it stands now, I think Daring and Philip's relationship isn’t established well enough at Case 3, so Daring barely has to struggle between the decision to rejoin her Family or stay with Phil. This, to me, lessens the impact of her betrayal. I really enjoyed Daring’s character arc in Case 3, don’t get me wrong—one of the best Daring Do character arcs I read—but there was always a voice at the back of my head saying “Daring’s abandoning Phil THIS early. Psh, it’s just a Ten-Minute Retirement. It won’t stick.”
In these instances, you might want to divert your story’s stakes into other areas. If you suspect your reader can predict Plot Point X and thus lose his sense of suspense, focus less on the uncertainty of Plot Point X and more on, for example, the characters’ reactions to the possibility of Plot Point X coming true. Kudos to PJ, I can actually see an attempt to do just that in the aforementioned Case 3. In the Heist chapter at Miranda and Sons, Philip doesn’t focus on his broken relationship with Daring, which would make my genre-savvy side roll its eyes. Rather, Philip focuses on the very real in-universe possibility that the cops will hurt Daring.
Granted, it wasn’t enough to satiate my Genre Savvy’s cynicism, but I can applaud the effort.
On a related note, I felt that Daring and Philip’s romance progressed a tad too quickly. Emphasis on tad. I’m not a romantic, both in the fandom and in real life, so I am in no hurry to see them kiss. Personally, I would rather their first kiss take place in Case 5 or 6—preferably the latter—not Case 4. Like I said, though: emphasis on tad. The speed of the romance doesn’t outright destroy the story.
Whew, so much for bedside manner…
Why don’t we move onto some positives?
I’m a simple man. I see somepony punch, I like. I see somepony fire guns, I like. I see stuff blowing up, I like. I’m thrilled to say that—behind the inappropriately clinical and verbose writing mentioned in the previous section—the action scenes in Noire Volume 1 are almost perfect in their concept and execution. Every strike, dodge, and parry contributes to the fantastic choreography. Combined with the aforementioned visceral descriptions, this makes for raw fights that truly reflect the spirit of noir.
But it’s one thing to write good fights; it’s another thing to make those fights matter within the context of the narrative, something I struggle with in my own writing. But it’s not a struggle I see in Noire Volume 1. Even though this story has more action scenes than mine, PJ somehow makes them all contribute meaningfully to the story. Highlights include Steamed Carrot’s rescue in Case 2 and both of Case 3’s action set pieces featuring the former Family. The former gives us Daring jamming soap into a potty mouth while also showcasing her aversion to death. Said aversion to death is again highlighted in Case 3, where it’s used to facilitate a pivotal moment in Daring’s character development. For all my problems with Noire Daring’s characterization—and we’ll get to those in a later section—these action scenes do an excellent job of linking thrill with characterization while giving us a refreshing sprinkle of humor.
Another thing I like: foreshadowing. In Case 3, the various weapons used in the Miranda and Sons heist are highlighted in the narration. When planning out action scenes, the setup is just as important as the fighting itself. It gives the reader a sense of structure and prevents real or perceived Deus Ex Machinas. There’s also the bit in Case 6, where Celestia and company survey the outside of Silvertongue’s mansion before heading in to infiltrate.
On a more minor note, I do like the griffons’ use of their natural weapons in Case 5. I should really have some griffon enemies for Twilight Velvet and Daring Do to fight…
Of course, nothing is perfect, and Noire Volume 1’s action scenes are no exception. In Case 4, while inside a house, Philip faces an enemy capable of manipulating fire. Philip uses a ward created by Twilight Sparkle to make himself fireproof. Unfortunately, the story’s a little nebulous as to what “fireproof” means, and the ward suffers from a moderate case of Fridge Logic. Does the ward provide oxygen? Fires, especially indoors, suck that shit up. Does the ward protect Philip from soot and smoke? Those things kill faster than the fire itself. What about objects Philip is holding? Are they protected too? Why didn’t all the bullets in his gun detonate from the enemy’s heat?
And not that kind of heat.
Case 4 also has an even more glaring issue with its main premise. Essentially, it’s a two-fold plan. A housing company is contracted by the government to build low-cost housing for the poor. Unknown to the public, the houses are intentionally made of shoddy materials, so they fall victim to the arsonist secretly hired by the housing company. This makes it look like the low-cost housing project is being sabotaged, giving them a reason to ask the government for more money…money which can be stolen by the company’s higher-ups for personal gain.
While this is going on, the company insuring the houses offers fraudulently high prices and plans that don’t completely cover accidental fires. When the houses are burned down, the insurance company gives the families less than they were promised and unjustly keeps the remainder.
Because I’m an idiot regarding this sort of stuff, I consulted with my mother—a real estate agent and a former insurance accountant—and my cousin—an architecture student. Among other things, they pointed out that bad news travels fast. Even in the highly improbable event that all the fires are dismissed as accidents and no one suspects foul play, frequent fires regardless of cause are still a stain on the housing project’s reputation. The poor will not want to move to a place that’s known to have houses burning down every once in a while, even if tantalized by the low house prices. Furthermore, why would Poor Pony A spend money to pay the high insurance rates of a house located in a neighborhood known for frequent house fires? Poor Pony A would probably decide staying where she is now would be safer, even if it doesn’t provide a roof over her head. Better to be homeless than to be dead.
Also, the common rabble may be desperate, but they aren’t stupid. I seriously doubt that the insurance company’s incomplete coverage for accidental fires would have escaped the public’s eyes, given that accidental fires are one of the most fundamental aspects of any insurance policy.
If it’s any consolation, this is about the only story-breaking plot hole I could find. Most of the other plot holes are fixable by changing up a few words or clarifying a few things.
I know it sounds like I’m being a picky pretentious prick, but as I said, that bulleted list consists of fairly fixable plot issues. They’re nowhere near the same caliber of brokenness as the issue in Case 4. And none of them detract from the fact that the plot of Noire Volume 1 is generally pretty good, with its stellar pacing and gripping action scenes.
One more thing I want to highlight before moving to the next section: that scene where Philip deduces the mole in Case 5 is gold. The buildup to that moment, the tension thickening the air, the physical and verbal smackdown Philip gives to the mole… There are many more quality scenes like that, but this one pops into my mind when thinking about the ways Noire Volume 1 does pacing right. If it weren’t a spoiler scene, I’d show it to other readers as an example of what PJ can do..
Verdict: 7.125/10
(Due to FiMFiction’s character limit, this review has been split into two. You have reached the end of Part One. Part Two is found here.)
(Part two of A for Effort’s review of Ponyville Noire: Tales of Two Private Eyes)
Setting and Backdrop
How well does Noire Volume 1 set the stage of its story?
I’ve already talked about how the raw, visceral, yet generally concise prose helps place the reader in the world. Barring a very small number of redundant phrasings, the writing never falls into purple prose. But at the same time, the writing is still expressive enough to place the reader in the scene—fitting for a detective story, where the environment must be observed with utmost scrutiny. This works to make the world the characters live in feel real.
Another thing contributing to the world feeling real is the fact that characters comment on the appearances of locales. Again, appropriate for a mystery where characters are supposed to be observant. But another reason this is a good things is that it places the characters in the world, thus avoiding the dreaded Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue.
There’s probably only two bits in the text of Noire Volume 1 where the world building trips up, and they’re not story-breaking trips like the Case 4 thing. First: there’s a part in Case 2 Chapter 2 where Daring talks to some guys who speak in a “Crystalline” accent. Maybe it’s just me, but the context clues in the scene couldn’t help me imagine what a “Crystalline” accent is supposed to sound like. Maybe try to emphasize the dialect and add some shibboleths in the Crystalline character’s dialogue.
The second bit: some of the names created for the fanfic are hit and miss. Character names and place names are generally a hit, but weapon names barely make the bullseye. About the only one I liked was “Blackthorn Automatic Rifle.” Not only is this name unquestionably badass, but for gun-loving
rednecksguys like myself, it serves as a good shorthand way of indicating the technological time period of the setting.But the other weapon names are just weird. “Conson?” Really? I know that’s just the Thompson, but “Conson” doesn’t roll off the tongue very well. Neither does “Filly 1912.” It’s already Colt. It’s already ponies. Your work was done for you. And “Mole Rack’s cocktails?” Are you kidding me? You couldn’t use the generic terms “petrol bomb” or “gasoline bomb?”
If it helps, Noire Volume 1’s universe has a lot of creative, yet plausible elements in it. There’s the headcanon for dragon fire in Case 4. I like that. It’s quite original in my experience, and it’s instrumental in solving the case instead of useless eye candy. There’s also the numerous delightfully specific background elements in the scenes: things like a character saying “Go to the Cardinals’ concert at seventh of the Harvest Moon” instead of generic terms like “Go to this performance a few months from now.” It gives the reader the impression that there’s more going on in this immersive world than just murder mysteries.
Earlier, I mentioned that the world building in the text has few problems. I’m a little more apprehensive of the world building in the author’s notes, however. Generally, I’m not a fan of world building in the author’s notes; I act under the principle that world building ought to be done completely in the text. If a piece of world building is so inconsequential that it can be relegated into the author’s notes, it’s probably not worth mentioning in the first place. To wit, the “magic object classes” author’s note is a an especially open-and-shut case: that piece of world building is fairly easy to integrate into the main text. The “Equestrian month names” is in a grayer area, however. On the one hand, months are a more fundamental part of the world than magic object classes, so they’re much harder to integrate into the main text. Plus, it makes sense for Equestrian months to have different names than Earth months. On the other hand, my mind automatically raises red flags whenever I see any kind of world building in the author’s notes, since it usually tells me that the piece of world building mentioned therein is unimportant and can therefore be excised from the story.
Let’s move on to the story’s lightness and darkness, PJ. In Discord, you expressed concerns that this story was too grimdark and changed previous chapters accordingly. I can’t say whether this was a good or bad thing, since I read the bulk of your story after those changes were made, but based on what I read at the time, darkness—specifically, Darkness-Induced Audience Apathy—wasn’t an issue. The story had a healthy balance of lightness and darkness appropriate for its genre, save for one scene. The fight with Monopoly in Case 5 struck me as a little too silly, but that’s less because the fight was inappropriately lighter and softer. It’s more like that fight was inappropriately denser and wackier, what with Monopoly sitting on ponies like a Saturday morning cartoon character.
That said, while I was describing Case 4 to my cousin, I brought up the fact that government and business corruption allowed for things like disregarding the fire code on the part of the housing company and sloppy house inspections on the part of the insurance company. While my cousin accepted these as reasonable explanations for some of the events in the case, she then scoffed at the large amount of corruption in the story. Either this was due to Ponyville’s corruption being implausibly widespread or the corruption tilting the reader towards cynicism. Whatever the case, keep in mind: my cousin and I are from the Philippines, where the degree of corruption surpasses that of the US.
Again, to reiterate, I personally have no issues with lightness and darkness in Noire Volume 1. It struck a good balance in my eyes, and it’s not like my cousin is the one reviewing this story. She can be pretty hard to please on the brony side of things. Just…be careful out there.
One last thing: the “Noireverse” isn’t simply a technological AU. It’s not “canon Equestria but with modern tech” like the AU in my own fanfic; it has its own history and whatnot. Among other things, the Elements of Harmony don’t exist, and Luna never became Nightmare Moon. While I personally wasn’t bothered by the historical changes in the AU—I’m more bothered by the character changes, which we will explore later—just remember to tread lightly. On the one hand, changing too few things in your AU will get you comments complaining about how you didn’t think through all of the ways different technology affects the world. On the other hand, changing too many things in your AU will get you comments complaining about how your Equestria isn’t the Equestria readers know and love. The AU tag is not a blank check to do whatever you please. Strike a balance, and be scrutinizing with your changes.
Verdict: 9/10
Characters
A long story gets a long review, PJ. I hope you’re still with me…
The chemistry between Philip Finder and Daring Do, both platonic and romantic, is fantastic. Dare I say (pun totally intended) that it’s better than the chemistry between Velvet and Daring in my own fanfic. As much as I rolled my eyes at Suunkii and Twilight’s unsubtle, shipper-on-deck comment in Case 1, they have a point. Their dialogue feels natural and plays off the characters’ traits rather well. Come to think of it, that’s not just a compliment reserved for Philip and Daring. All the characters have excellent dialogue: OCs and canon characters alike. Heck, Daring’s Reason-You-Suck speech towards Silvertongue is worthy of a Ben Shapiro-style video.
And the dialogue feels real not just because it is beautifully written dialogue. It feels real because the characters themselves feel real. They have depth, and their depth carries the story along. On the OC department, Prowl, Trace, Joyful Song, Cold Case, and Mortis stand out. They are a joy to read about—especially the latter. His cheerful dialogue is juxtaposed by his morbid work. And for good reason. Cadavers are cool.
Ahem…
There’s not much I can say for Trace and Prowl, other than the fact that I like reading about their characters. Joyful Song is an especially sweet fellow, too, along with her son, Flash Sentry. Cold Case is probably the most interesting character in the aforementioned subset, being a rather misanthropic and cynical pony who’s set up to be the bad guy, but ultimately is a law enforcer at heart, even if she finds herself reluctantly bending the rules often.
As far as OC villains go, while they didn’t leave as much of an impact on me as the OC good guys, they were most serviceable and well-written. Zugzwang, especially, has a certain air that makes him appropriately creepy and threatening. Starting as an underling of Silvertongue’s, he works his way to the top of the criminal food chain, playing the hooves of both the good guys and the bad guys. For that, I like Zugzwang as a fictional character, despite the fact that he himself is cliched—more on that later.
Silvertongue, Monopoly, and that Miranda lawyer pony in Case 3, unfortunately, feel less like the real people that the good guy OCs are and more like Saturday morning cartoon caricatures. They don’t even act like real evil rich people, speaking from personal experience. Like…in and of itself, imparting cliches in a character is fine, but if you’re going to have them, you need to a) work very hard to give the characters a “presence” or “charisma” that makes them stand out in the story, or b) give them traits that demonstrate these characters are more than their cliches. Of these two, the latter is far easier for us non-professional writers.
A good example of the cliched villain done right is Zoran Lazarevic from Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. He is really just your typical, cliched ex-military warlord with delusions of grandeur and psychopathic tendencies, but his actor’s performance makes him one of the most memorable villains in the Uncharted series. It helps that Lazarevic, despite looking like a thug who only knows how to kill, is surprisingly knowledgeable and perceptive, figuring out the nature of the story’s MacGuffin artifact before anyone else, including the heroes.
Unfortunately, Silvertongue, Monopoly, and that Miranda lawyer are practically just cookie-cutter Corrupt Corporate Executives. Unlike with Zugzwang, I personally was not impressed or intimidated by the story’s attempts to show Silvertongue and Monopoly’s greasy tentacles manipulating events behind the scenes. The cynical side of me—presumably the same one that scoffed at Daring’s Ten Minute Retirement—rolled my eyes and said “An evil rich guy manipulates half the city and is a massive classist dick. Oh, gee, where have I seen this shit before?!”
Not to say that there aren’t any attempts in the story to make Silvertongue and Monopoly more than their cliches. The latter especially is a surprisingly good fighter, and the former feels like he legitimately thinks he deserves his wealth and his actions help those under him, a trait present in many of the upper class in real life. Unfortunately, these attempts are undermined by other elements in the story. Monopoly’s fighting style reminds me too much about his nature as a Fat, Rich Bastard to completely wipe the sour taste from my mouth, and Silvertongue’s demeanor with the other characters call his thoughts on his wealth into question.
To reiterate, the problem isn’t that psychopathic rich people like Silvertongue, Monopoly, and Miranda-lawyer don’t exist. They do. The problem is that, in fiction, they feel less like real people and more like tired stereotypes with little else beyond their being stereotypes. Contrast Silvertongue and Monopoly with Zugzwang. The latter is also a stereotype, but unlike Silver and Monopoly, Zugzwang has a foreboding presence, which he uses as a way to make up for his seeming lack of charisma in contrast to the brash, haughty Silvertongue. Furthermore, Zugzwang has other traits that show he is more than a stereotype. If my understanding is correct, Zugzwang is written to be a clinically accurate sociopath / psychopath. Rather than using this personality disorder as an excuse to make a generically evil character, PJ instead uses it to give Zugzwang a repertoire of strengths, weaknesses, and complex thought processes. To wit, Zugzwang’s pathological obsession with Philip Finder sets him apart from other archnemesis in crime fiction, where the serial killer villain’s obsession is usually less an actual obsession and more like admiration or frustration due to the hero constantly defeating them.
Let’s shift gears to canon characters. I know our previous interactions on Discord might give the opposite impression, but truth be told, the Noireverse interpretations of the canon characters are mostly true to their canon selves and serve to augment the story.
Pinkie Pie, for instance, may not be employed in Sugarcube Corner or be the Element of Laughter, but she’s still her cheery, bubbly, eccentric, and childlike from canon. It helps that her canon background is somewhat intact, seeing as she now operates a bar, fitting for a noir, while alleviating the depressing undertone that permeates stereotypical noirs.
Twilight Sparkle is an example of a well-portrayed canon character in the fic. Sure, the Elements of Harmony might not exist in this universe, but other than that, she is largely the same dorky, intellectual, slightly sarcastic, and diplomatic mare we know and love. It also helps that her canon background is largely intact, barring the Alicorn princess thing. She is still Shining Armor’s sister, she is still a top-performing pupil from Canterlot, and she is still close enough to Princess Celestia to be considered her protege. Twilight is probably my favorite canon character in the Noireverse; she is an example of an AU canon character done right.
Twilight’s personality also plays off well with the OCs. Suunki comes to mind, seeing as he’s usually seen with Twilight, but Philip provides a better catalyst for character development on Twilight’s part. Of course it would make sense for her, a Canterlot pony with a penchant for diplomacy, get upset at Philip’s methods. I’m a little iffy with the progression in which Twilight gets upset Phil, though. On the one hand, it’s good that her apprehension towards Phil’s ruthlessness is foreshadowed in previous scenes. On the other hand, her outburst against Phil in Case 6, Chapter 5 feels too rushed and abrupt. Perhaps it would have been better if her feelings against Phil were visibly shown to deteriorate over the course of the story. Ultimately, it’s…I wouldn’t call it a minor issue, but it’s not that damaging to the story.
What is damaging to the story, however, is Case 6 Chapter 6, where Twilight’s negative feelings towards Philip are confronted and resolved. Celestia tells Twilight about the time her brother, a commander in Equestria’s war with the Sombra-controlled Crystal Empire, beat an enemy soldier to death even after he cried for mercy. The incident scarred her brother, and he narrowly avoided a court martial. Celestia uses this anecdote to teach Twilight that good ponies sometimes do bad things, even if it’s necessary.
If Daring’s entire character arc in Case 3 is my favorite moment in Noire Volume 1, that moment with Celestia and Twilight is the worst. It’s rushed. It’s clumsy. It is shameless in its emotional manipulation, and it is downright illogical. It’s one of the worst resolutions of a character arc that I have ever read in an otherwise excellent story.
Firstly, why is Twilight so upset with the fact that her brother killed somepony? He was a soldier involved in a particularly brutal war; of course he would have killed somepony! Are you telling me that Twilight Sparkle, one of the smartest characters in MLP, assumed her brother in the military didn’t kill someone? Also, you would think that Shining, at the command position he was in during that incident, would be more accustomed to bloodshed. He’s probably seen greater acts of inhumanity than the incident in which he was involved.
Then there’s the reason Shining Armor killed the enemy soldier in the first place: the soldier had pretended to surrender, then attacked Shining’s squad while they were capturing him, killing Shining’s close friend. In military terms, the enemy soldier had committed perfidy. According to the laws and customs of war, the maximum punishment of perfidy that results in someone’s death is summary execution. And no, no amount of screaming for mercy will help. Sombra’s soldier bit the Equestrians’ hoof when they extended an olive branch; sorry, no mercy for him. There is no reason for Shining Armor to be threatened with court martial. I don’t deny that the experience could have been emotionally scarring, but see my previous point on Shining being accustomed to bloodshed as a military commander.
The scene isn’t even executed well. Shining’s anecdote would have had a far greater impact if Shining himself, instead of Celestia, was the one to tell Twilight. That way, Twilight’s reactions can hit closer to home, so to speak. Furthermore, after the Celestia and Twilight scene, we get a scene between Flash Sentry and his mother, where they converse about the exact same “good ponies can do bad things” subject matter! Why couldn’t Flash and Joyful Song be in the same room as Twilight? That way, you can have Flash and Twilight engage in discourse—bounce their perspectives around a bit—instead of wasting the reader’s time.
Just about the only thing I liked about this scene was Celestia serenely smoking a hookah: an admittedly humorous mental image that makes a surprising amount of sense.
Another thing I like in Noire Volume 1 in terms of character moments is the part where Daring meets Philip for the first time is one of the best Establishing Character Moments I’ve read in fanfiction. In a single scene, we see Philip flex his detective skills not just to the reader, but to his soon-to-be partner. We are thus granted a taste of their near-perfect chemistry and a glimpse of the story’s tone and subject matter.
Finally, there’s Phil’s flashback in the same case. “Flashbacks as exposition” is probably one of my least favorite tropes, as some very skilled authors in this website can attest. PJ, however, makes Phil’s flashback work, one way or another. I don’t know how; it just works. The flashback captures the origins of Phil’s grizzled, yet justice-seeking personality, yet the flashback itself never feels tedious or extraneous. All in all, very enjoyable.
Now for the final verdict, and…wait, hold on.
There’s one more thing.
Yeah, we’re making that into its own section.
The Section Nobody Likes
That’s why there’s archeology. It will allow you to do what you have been groomed to do without breaking the law.
You’ve known this for a long while already, PJ—ever since I gave you a sneak peek of my remarks on Discord. You are my friend, and it pains me to sound harsher and blunter than I have been throughout this review. But I have been oblique with the extent and nuances of my true opinions for far too long.
I have thought about this for months: scrutinized my stance even as medical school exams came and went. To a small extent, I even asked around your circle of associates if they felt the same way I did. Apparently, I am the only one with this issue. Whether that speaks of my perceptual and analytical faculties is something you have to answer yourself.
But for the most part, my opinion has not changed.
Noireverse Daring Do is an OC wearing Daring Do’s skin.
I want you to note the wording. I did not say that Noireverse Daring Do has bad characterization. In fact, I quite enjoy it. In an alternate earth where the name and appearance of Philip Finder’s partner was that of an obscure background pony or an OC, I would praise you for creating a compelling character to spearhead your fic. Hell, even in the fanfic’s current state, I love the characterization of Noireverse Daring and his chemistry with Philip Finder. I love her “Never let them see you when they can get you” catchphrase. I love her smackdown against Silvertongue and really, just the way she contributes to the plot in general.
However, the fact remains that I can substitute Noireverse Daring Do for an obscure background pony or an OC and have her character still make sense.
That’s part of the problem. It shows that Noireverse Daring Do, at her core, isn’t Daring Do. She’s simply an excitable, quick-thinking ex-con who at some point in her life met Caballeron and masqueraded as AK Yearling. For some people, this is enough to paint Noireverse Daring as an accurate facsimile of Daring Do. But I can’t say the same for myself.
Throughout most of this review, whenever I pointed out a flaw, it was almost always localized to discrete portions of the fanfic. Now let’s break down a flaw that is systemic rather than localized, to borrow terms from medicine.
The first issue is that Noireverse Daring is not an archeologist. Admittedly, this ought to be a superficial and inconsequential change; after all, Noireverse Twilight isn’t an Element of Harmony, and I don’t have any problems with her. However, when it comes to Noireverse Twilight, not being an Element of Harmony is pretty much the farthest extent that she’s been reimagined in the fanfic (plus not being an Alicorn princess, probably), whereas Daring has been changed severely. It helps that Twilight has been the star of many more episodes than Daring, so we have learned a lot more about her character. If Twilight isn’t an Element of Harmony or a Princess in your fanfic, no need to panic. There are many other character traits or backstory elements we can emphasize in order for the reader to say “This is Twilight Sparkle.” If I had to concisely describe Twilight to my non-brony friends, I can say “She’s dorky and good at magic,” or “She’s the Princess of Friendship,” or “She’s a fairly introverted bookworm,” or “She’s a natural organizer.” All these are present in Noireverse Twilight except the Princess of Friendship thing, and props to you for maintaining Twilight’s character, PJ.
Daring Do, on the other hand, has starred in only three episodes by the time of Noire Volume 1’s publishing, two of which involve the real Daring Do as opposed to the literary Daring Do. This puts the character in an interesting position. Like a pre-Season 5 background pony, Daring has a smaller repertoire of character traits and backstory elements to call on for identifiers. But unlike a pre-Season 5 background pony and like a major character, the few character traits and backstory elements that Daring does possess are crucial to identifying her character. Unlike background ponies like Twilight Velvet and pony Flash Sentry, there’s not much wiggle room for reinvention for Daring Do. There’s really only one way I can describe her to my non-brony friends: “She’s pony Indiana Jones.” That short statement near-perfectly summarizes Daring.
I can’t say the same for Noireverse Daring.
By not making Daring an archeologist, the author has taken away one of the character’s core traits. It’s like making James Bond a security guard instead of an MI6 agent. While it could work—and the fact that I stand alone in this issue is probably a testament to that—it’s a huge gamble that, in my perspective, was detrimental to Noire Volume 1.
Now, if the issue was simply that Noireverse Daring wasn’t an archeologist, I would not have created an entire section just for her. But the problems don’t stop with her not sharing Indy’s day job.
Connected with Noireverse Daring no longer being an archeologist, Noireverse Daring lacks her canon counterpart’s interest in ancient history. Yes, she mentions it in Case 1 as she’s sharing her backstory to Phil, but remember: this was told, not shown. This moment raised my hopes for a Daring who was at least 75-85% true to her canon self, but these soon faded into a chronic disappointment that persisted for the entire duration of the fic. Noireverse Daring’s interest for ancient history is hardly used, if it’s used at all. In fact, one moment in Case 6 outright contradicts it. During the fight in Silvertongue’s mansion, a priceless ancient vase is shattered, and Noireverse Daring doesn’t give a fuck. She simply quips “I hope that was expensive,” and acts like a piece of history hadn’t just been destroyed before her eyes. No quick, mournful look. No brief thoughts about ancient history being lost forever. No nothing. The antique vase could have been replaced by a family picture with an ornate frame and the scene would still be the same…and Noireverse Daring still being far-removed from her usual self.
Second, Noireverse Daring’s aversion to death, while making sense within the context of her OC-like backstory, doesn’t mesh well with her canon counterpart’s predilection towards direct action, sometimes without thinking. Take Steamed Carrot’s rescue. As much as I love that action scene, the conclusion left much in me to be desired. I feel like this scene could have been much more impactful if Daring had been the one to shoot Carrot’s captor. In a tense situation like this, I can totally see Daring’s aversion to death fall by the wayside in the heat of the moment. Then, in the aftermath of the scene, Daring’s kill dawns her and then she breaks down.
But let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that Daring is averse to death, there’s a canon basis for that, and Phil was the pony who gunned down Carrot’s hostage taker. Even then, the way Daring expresses her disgust in that scene—forlornly wondering aloud if the death was needed, then accepting it with a defeated attitude—is also at odds with what her canon counterpart might do. Daring is brash and impetuous. She isn’t the type of pony to get all mopey. I can see her do one of two things. She may lash out angrily at Phil, or she may bottle her anger inside, stewing her resentment and seething at Phil.
Now, credit where credit is due: Noireverse Daring has, to some degree, Daring’s trademark unwillingness to work as a team. It’s downplayed (too much in my opinion) in Cases 1-4, and the lone-wolf nature is presented less as “I prefer to work alone” like in canon, and more as “I am uncomfortable with working with ponies who were once on the opposite side of the law.” And from my perspective, Daring’s a little too sociable, generally speaking, in the earlier cases. Thankfully, this problem is less pronounced in Cases 5-6, and a bit of her canon self even surfaces when she rebuts Rainbow Dash’s offers to help.
Another bit where credit is due: Daring’s sardonic nature is fairly in-character, even if it’s a little too pronounced for my subjective tastes. Of note, Daring’s smackdown of Silvertongue’s is one of my favorite lines of dialogue in the fic. Not only is it deliciously hurtful, but it also shows that Noireverse Daring at least shares her canon counterpart’s heroic stance on morality. There’s also Noireverse Daring's knowledge of multiple languages, so it’s not like Noireverse Daring is completely divorced from canon.
Ultimately, however, Noireverse Daring is still too far removed from canon for me to completely get absorbed with her, no matter how excellent the characterization is.
See, if this fic had been published before “Daring Don’t” aired, I would not have been as upset with Noireverse Daring’s characterization as I would be right now. During the prehistoric times of brony history, we did not even know if Daring Do was real or just a fictional character. This grants fanfic authors a lot of flexibility
But we are not living in prehistoric times. Even Q2 2017, when this fic was first published, is not considered prehistoric times. By that point, Daring Do had already had two episodes dedicated to her real personality. We don’t have that flexibility anymore.
Some will say that because Noire Volume 1 takes place in an alternate universe, Daring Do is allowed to be written any way desired. While I can understand this reasoning, I don’t agree with it. The AU tag is not a blank check to for fanfic authors to write whatever they want. Deviating too much from canon unnecessarily alienates potential readers from your story and makes them wonder why you didn’t write original fiction. Obviously, how much deviation is “too much” is a subjective issue. But generally speaking, the setting of an AU fanfic (the time period, the locales visited, etc.) is more resilient to deviation than the characters, the exception being if the entire point of the AU is to show how different character could have been (eg. “What if Rainbow Dash was shy?”). When portraying canon characters in AUs, it’s best to err in the side of caution and avoid changing their backstories and character traits too much.
You say that you chose Daring Do to be Philip Finder’s partner because her character fit the role and chemistry you wanted for Philip’s partner. Why, then, does Noireverse Daring Do not feel like Daring Do?
Ultimately, the jarring disconnect between Noireverse Daring Do and the Daring Do of popular conception—plus the fact that this issue is the most pervasive one in the fic—is the ultimate contributor to Noire Volume 1’s relatively low Character score. Were it not for the other things the fic does spectacularly with its characters, the Character score would have reached as low as 1.75/10.
Writing this pains me so much because this is a very difficult flaw to address, especially since you’ve already written so much and are continuing to write as we speak. There were opportunities to make Noireverse Daring Do closer to canon. Daring could have been a treasure hunter—not necessarily an official archeologist, but someone closer to Nathan Drake—before getting arrested before the events of Case 1. Truth be told, this was what I was expecting when I read the description of the fic a year ago and saw the words “Daring is a thief…”. But other than these minor fixes, I couldn’t think of any lasting treatments to prescribe. I was never good at pharmacology in medical school…
So it was surprising when, several weeks ago, you came up with this solution.
This future doctor approves of this treatment. I don’t know what kind of ramifications this will have towards Noire Volume 2.
But either way, good luck, and God bless you.
Verdict for Characters: 5.15/10
Miscellaneous Highlights
(Due to FiMFiction’s character limit, this section was moved to a separate comment, which can be found here.)
Conclusion
Score Breakdown
Final tally: 7.969/10 – Good Read
Verdict
If you can get past the rough flaws of the writing style and the plot, Ponyville Noire Volume 1 provides a thrilling mystery with well-crafted action scenes, stellar dialogue, an immersive world, and character chemistry so good you’d swear the author was a STEM major rather than a criminal justice major. Just don’t be surprised if you come here expecting a Daring Do story and the contents don’t match the packaging…
Miscellaneous Highlights
Supplement to A for Effort’s review of Ponyville Noire Volume 1: Tales of Two Private Eyes
>> The Book Ends trope in Case 1 Chapter 7—Daring saying “This is faster”—is good.
Ten points to GriffyndorAdd 0.1 points to Plot and Concept.>> Why are shotguns in this story 18 gauge? Isn’t that fairly small?
>> You missed a few opportunities for jokes in the dialogue, but ultimately, the missed opportunities are inconsequential so I’m not taking points away for either of them.
That initialism is a bit out-of-place considering the 50s inspired setting, don’t you think? Subtract 0.01 points from Characters.
>> I like how the dog in Case 3—a seemingly insignificant detail—is used as foreshadowing. Add 0.2 points to Plot and Concept.
>> Daring’s kusarifundo came completely out of left field in Case 3. If this weapon is her personal choice, why didn’t she try to buy one or fashion a makeshift one in the previous chapters? Heck, why doesn’t she even so much as talk about it, whether to herself or other ponies? A simple “I wish I had my kusarifundo right about now” would have sufficed. Subtract 0.15 points from Characters.
>> Despite all of my issues with Case 4, it probably has the best prologue out of all the cases. Its buildup, its visceral detail…brr! Add 0.4 points to Prose and Writing Style.
Betteridge's Law of Headlines: “Any headline that ends in a yes or no question can be answered by the word ‘no.’”
First, it’s “mane,” not “hair.” Second, use another word to describe the color. More than half the people in my country don’t even know what a robin is, and even they did, there’s probably a better metaphor to use for the color. Subtract 0.1 points from Prose and Writing Style.
This part feels rushed. Write Daring’s reaction so it reflects progression: buildup to the spell, realization of the spell, comment on the spell, and Daring performing an action in curiosity of said spell. Subtract 0.05 points Prose and Writing Style.
>> The paragraph describing Cold Case’s drug abuse in Case 6 Chapter 7 is fine, but it can be enhanced if you also describe the physiological signs of drug use (unless it’s established that Cold Case is good at hiding it).
>> Steamed Carrot and Pinkie are the only ponies who live in Apple Pie in the Eye? What about Mr and Mrs Cake?
This is probably the first time in fiction I’ve heard a person instead of a place get referred to as a “shithole.”
This is fine. I like this. Minor character only gets a short description, and the scene is slow-paced enough that such a physical description isn’t out of place. Add 0.2 points to Prose and Writing Style.
What is this, Les Miserables? I kid, I kid. This part is actually a pretty good portion of Daring’s character arc. Add 0.1 points to Characters.
Ten bucks says the name Daring Do’s parents gave her is AK Yearling.
>> Avoid long strings of “Character X did Action A. She did B. She did C.” Vary the sentence structure by focusing on the environment ("She galloped down the hall. The floorboards creaked and thumped with every step."), the characters' body parts, ("She did X. Her legs trembled.") or the characters' psychological state ("She did X. The buzz of adrenaline coursed through her legs and shook her brain.") instead of focusing on the character's actions all the time. Subtract 0.2 points from Prose and Writing Style.
9472027
I assumed becuase,
one, Empire, there was a mention of an empire, and Phillip mentioned it in the same time he was explaning where he learnt how to play the Saxophone.
Two, Sherlock was British, at your first chapter you said something on the lines of "Not Orginial" or something.
So i put one and two together and then.
Bam!
Britian.
Also, loved the original bunch, MLP themed
This one? Holmes and Holmes, magnifcent. Perfect Noir atomsphere
9472719
Well, thank you for the compliment!
I do see your logic in that statement, but I intended for Equestria to be more of an analogous America, though it is an Empire with several territories and countries allied to it and under its control (including Aushaylia, Phillip's birthplace). Still, that is an interesting idea, old chap!
And I'm glad that you like this story and my previous work!
9485367
What's ludo?
9485559
Board game from China.
Bascially a game where you have to be extremely lucky to get all of your four figurines Ito the middle while avoiding being killed by the others.
Your figurine lands on the same one as another figurine of a foe? The foe's get sent back to the start.
And my friend is so damn lucky that he gets the numbers he needs!
Also though, the last chapter title, brilliant.
Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi
9728225
So, one question, are the Ponyville Noire stories in the same universe as the Phillip Finder series?
9728275
No. The Noireverse series is a reboot/redo of the original series.
9728276
Ok, perhaps I'll take a look at the Phillip Finder series...but I don't think it'll compare to Ponyville Noire...
9728296
Trust me. It doesn't. There's a reason I chose to abandon it.
9961601
Not understanding what?
9961948
I guess just all of this scene with Silvertongue. So were they actually the ones who killed the others, or was it that one guy they found at the bar who wanted it said he wasn't there?
Yeah, this is definitely going in my top. Beautifuly written and executed wonderfully. 15 chapters in and I've already decided this is one of the best works I've read on this site. Also bringing on strong memories of Sherlock Holmes without being a complete ripoff or direct crossover. Very, very good job.
10073864
Thank you! For a moment, I thought that you'd read the entire thing in one go. I hope you enjoy the rest!
As a matter of fact, when I was first designing Phil back in...holy shit, 2014...he was straight-up Sherlock Holmes in pony form, but I quickly realized that some originality couldn't hurt, so I tried to be a little different. I changed his accent from upper-class Brit to Cockney, and then to Australian, then threw in some noir tropes. Much later, we got this!
10075437
Dang it, dang it, dang it. Thanks for catching that!
10075442
No problem! I did the same thing in my story and you pointed it out, so I'm glad to return the favor!
10076117
I see. Finished reading yesterday and will definitely stay invested in the sequel and other works!
Only thing I did notice is that Lucky Dice's name was referred to again as Lucky Bit for the last few chapters.
10076946
Thanks for catching that! I guess I kinda forgot what his name was at the end.
I'm glad you enjoyed this story and hope you enjoy Kriegspiel as well!
10476584
"Yeah, but criminals are terrible at scheduling around my appointments."
10477459
I meant to say "prestigious" not "infamous." Plus I frankly don't care what the fandom thinks about it, I think it's an awesome fanfic.
10477459
No worries mate, this series is aces.
As to Nyx, I can understand the hesitation or suspicion towards alicorn oc's, as there are poorly written ones that borrow the worst traits of Mary Sue's and other such things. I just caution people to not preemptively jump to the conclusion that Alicorn=trash. To automatically assume that a story is trash because it contains an alicorn OC is the same attitude that leads people to trash Pony because it is "girly" and girly=stupid or to trash all fanfiction because "fanfiction is just the amateurish drivel of lonely preadolescent girls trying to write self-interest romances" (not a direct quote)
In conclusion, is Past Sins the best thing I've ever read? No, but it was emotionally evocative and I found Nyx to be a wonderful character because of her insecurities and fears that even at her worst kept her from falling off the metaphorical cliff.
10480481
Most of these words are learned from Google Translate XD so yeah, if you handed me a book written in say French I'd stare like a total idiot.
Reading this has taken up my usual reading time for the past several weeks, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. After I whittle away at my amassing Read It Later shelf, I look forward to reading volume 2!
10481396
I’m glad that you liked it and hope that you enjoy Volume 2!
10564650
Wrong place wrong time. I was in a parking lot and and two guys in a car drove by spraying people through the window. Nasty business.
10565741
They were just driving around spraying people? Yeesh. I don't envy you, dude.
10569110
Lucky wasn't very lucky it seems.
I hadn't realized that Luckys death had been so brutal.
And so it was that I finish volume one. I didn't really know what to expect going into this and admittedly I had fairly low expectations, but I'm a sucker for the noir genre so I figured I'd give it a shot. This story did not disappoint in the slightest, and despite the fact I'm currently going through exam week for my uni classes, I was engrossed in the story enough that I felt the strong urge to put my work aside and marathon through this instead.
This story started off strong and somehow managed to consistently improve with every chapter. I can unfortunately only like and favourite this fic once, so alas, I'll have to settle with simply showing my praise through this comment.
I am definitely going to move onto the sequel asap, though I must ask... I did notice there are a few side stories for the noirverse outside the main fics. Would you recommend reading them before or after the main stories? I'd hate to accidentally read something out of order.
Thanks again for the wonderful read.
10570682
And thank you for reading and commenting! Your support makes all the struggle and self-doubt worth it! I certainly hope that the sequel still holds up to your high expectations.
I would recommend reading the side stories after finishing the main stories. They're intended to fill out some details that the main stories didn't have room for.
10673152
Haha, thats good. The alternative is a fair amount grislier that I would have expected from Finder. That makes a lot more sense, thank you.
Wow. He just got Thanos Snapped. But with letters.
Aaaaand done.
Well congratulations. You got me hooked on a kind of story that I ordinarily wouldn't go looking for. Great job all around! :)
This was a fun and unique read. I watched very little Sherlock Holmes but that little I watched I enjoyed so I found this enjoyable, even more so cause our MC gets to have love in his life and love always makes these things SO much more interesting and entertaining. Anyways this was amazing and I’m glad I finally read it, now onto the sequel yay!