A Roman in Equestria

by weird gai

Chapter 1

It was 9 A.D. 3 of Rome’s heralded legions were ambushed and completely wiped out in the Teutoburg Forest in Germania. Their leader, Publius Quinctilius Varus, committed suicide when he heard of the ambush. Most legionnaires were killed in the ambush while others tried to escape. However, all except a few were recaptured by the barbarians. Unknown to the Romans, a certain senior centurion serving in the Eighteenth Legion has managed to escape both the clutches of death and the barbarians...

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“Keep your guard up, soldiers.”

That was the last thing he said before THEY attacked.

The Germanic troops surged forward down the two hills, moving as a single mass. They shouted war cries that struck fear into the hearts of their enemy. Their rage was almost radiating off of them. Their faces were contorted in a mixture of excitement in anticipation of the incoming battle and anger at these foreign invaders, who had desecrated their homeland, suppressed their native religion and took away their freedom. Their swords glistened in the sparse sunlight, demanding that they be fed blood.

The Roman army was utterly terrified. They were in between the two advancing forces and were not in battle formation. The wagons containing their families hindered their movement. They were trapped.

When the barbarians revealed themselves, Marcus Caelius got ready for battle. Unlike the other legionnaires who were complacent and distracted, he always kept his guard up. He knew from experience that ambushes would often be set up in forested areas like these and so had fully armed himself in case. Turns out that he was right about the ambush. He left his family at home; they were a liability if war broke out.

The one-sided battle commenced.

As the first barbarian came charging at him, he brought up his shield and rammed it forward into the enemy's torso. The force from the ram caused the barbarian to fall. Marcus plunged his sword into his heart while he was still struggling to get up.

Another barbarian, having seen his comrade's death at the hands of the centurion, charged straight at him. He skillfully sidestepped the still charging barbarian and stabbed him in the back. The barbarian fell, the light in his eyes having been snuffed out long before he hit the ground.

The ground embraced the fallen with the sound of crunched leaves. Time was running out for the lone centurion. His men were disorganised and were now fleeing the battle in complete disarray. They were cut down by the enemy’s missiles with ease. The avenues of escape were sealed. It was no longer a battle, but a massacre. Death came from all sides. Hundreds fell by the minute...

Marcus was slowly getting pushed back. He may be battle-hardened and have superior training, but he was close to getting overwhelmed by the sheer number of barbarians.
They pushed forward relentlessly, the hunger for his blood increasing for every of their kinsmen who fell by his sword.

Occupied with keeping the enemy at bay, Marcus did not see the enemy cavalry headed towards his position from behind him. He did not take note of them until a horse let out a neigh and raised it’s hooves into the air. He turned around to deal with the new threat, but what he saw shocked him.

Arminius, their ally, was riding the horse. He had betrayed them and led them into an ambush.

Marcus opened his mouth to say something, but it was too late. The horse’s hooves crashed down on top of him. He blacked out.

Marcus awoke. The air was still and cold. The trees swayed to and fro, a tranquil sight compared to the destruction the barbarians had left in their wake. The silence of death hung in the air, only broken by his heavy breathing.

He scanned his surroundings cautiously, keeping an eye out for any returning forces. After lying prone for a few minutes with a strange tingling sensation around his body, he deduced that none of those barbarians were coming back.

He checked himself for wounds, but found none except a large dent on his helmet where the horse had hit him.

Thank the gods it’s hooves only hit my helmet. If not... he shuddered at the thought.

Then came another thought.

Arminius, that double-crossing filthy bastard. If I ever meet him, I’ll personally see to it that he would be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life.

Marcus said prayers for his comrades who had fallen in battle. Their lives had been given to a cause greater than themselves and their sacrifice will not be forgotten.

Barbarians. Oh, how he hated them. Their strange shouting and screaming in battle made it hard to concentrate in close quarters, not to mention scaring the s*** out of unconditioned, newly recruited legionnaires. To add to the Romans' negative image of them, their strange religion sometimes involved human sacrifice. Even when some submitted to Roman authority, he suspected they were just waiting for the opportune time to revolt while their backs were turned in order to regain control of their lands.

Marcus was interrupted in his thoughts by a burning sensation on the lower part of his torso. When he looked down, he saw a sight that could give the barbarians a run for their money in terror.

A large number of fire ants were gathered around his limp body, biting at the exposed flesh not covered by his armor and clothing. Some managed to weasel their way in between the clothing and were biting at gods-know-what.

Anyone who was there at that moment would have gotten an earful of very colourful and descriptive language.

He refrained from screaming like a little girl and immediately got to work. He stood up quickly and dusted the ants off as best as he could. Some of the more stubborn ones had to be plucked off his skin. He also shook himself to free all the ants swarming in his clothing.

The pests scurried away from him to feast on the other corpses. He sighed in relief. He always had a phobia of insects, coming from his childhood where his toe had been bitten by a centipede. It took nearly a week for the wound to heal. If it came to being swarmed by insects or dying in a fire, he would choose the latter.

"Could this day get any worse?" he wondered.

As if it were answering his question, the boom of thunder broke the silence in the air. A thunderstorm was headed his way and he had to find shelter before it hit.

First, however, he picked up some weapons in order to defend himself and to hunt for food later. Marcus picked up an unbroken javelin, a bow and some arrows. He still had his sword and dagger though, so he didn’t pick up any of those. Suddenly, something unusual occurred.

A multi-coloured shaft of light pierced through the trees covering the edge of the forest, it’s brilliant light blinding his eyes momentarily. It lit up the forest, clearing away the darkness and gloom that loomed over the site of the battle.

He walked towards the light, shielding his eyes from the light with his hand. He stepped over the bodies littering the path. He didn't care where it would lead to, as long as it was away from the site of the battle. He had no intention of returning to Rome.

When he reached the edge of the forest, he stopped to take a good look at the source of the light.

A hole floated in mid-air with the multi-coloured light forming a border around it. Inside it, he could see a very strange-looking land, but of course he did not know it’s name.

Marcus offered prayers of thanks and anything else he could think of. The gods may have just offered him a path to another life, more peaceful than his current one. A chance to start over.

He stared into the portal for a while longer.

Are you sure you really want to do this? he asked himself.

Why not? He argued. Even if I return to Rome, they’ll probably crucify me for ‘cowardice’ and for losing the aquilae. I have nothing to lose if I enter it.

He took a step towards the portal.

Oh well, I might as well get over with it before I change my mind.

After taking a huge breath, he jumped into the portal with a wildly beating heart.
The light enveloped him and in seconds, all traces of him were gone from the world.

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It was afternoon in the magical land of Equestria. Fluttershy was walking briskly back to her home near the Everfree Forest. She had just returned from another trip to Ponyville’s market to buy some food for her pets. As she walked along the long path to her home, her mind wandered off...

I do hope Angel finds these carrots delicious. It cost me a lot- ok, maybe not a lot but it was still a sizable amount of bits. I don’t think he would like to have the Stare used on him again, letting out a chuckle as she recalled the time he refused to eat a salad specially prepared for him. He stubbornly refused to eat the salad until she was forced to use her trademark Stare. The ironic thing was that he liked the food she bought for him in the first place.

As she neared her house, she sensed something was amiss. The animals were unusually quiet. The front door was ajar. Angel was nowhere to be seen.

Not long after, she arrived at her house’s doorstep. Not wanting to alarm the intruder in her house, she slightly opened the door to allow herself to peep into the house.

Nothing seemed out of place. All the objects were in their respective places. No signs of a confrontation could be seen anywhere. Just as she was about to sigh in relief, something caught her eye. Her eyes were drawn to a corner near the back of the house, where she could make out two shadows, one larger than a pony, and the other the size of a... bunny.

She gasped.

A strange creature had cornered her Angel Bunny, trying to EAT him.

Comments

[weird gai]

So, uh, what do you guys think?

[The Poster]

i love it! personnay beacuse i am greek....and theres alot of greek history in roman history :D but yes its a great story and u should continue with it

[BorderPatrol]

This is certainly an interesting development, I shall await the next installment.

[TheTownCrier]

They even have fire ants in Europe? Sure do in Texas tho.

[Ethrak]

First of all, you didn't ask me to be gentle in my critique, like many other newcomers. That earns you a gold star in my book.

In alles, your work is decent. Nowhere near great, but decent. With a little spit, polish and elbow grease, this could be bumped up to good.

"Lost Roman Legion" is one of the oldest clichés in Alternate History fiction, but this is the first time I've seen it done with ponies.

Your style of writing is pretty fluid and descriptive, which I like. Grammar, yes. Spelling, yes. Not enough characterisation to really make a judgement.

You may want to rethink tagging this as "Everyone", though. Site practice is that everything that deals with war in any sense automatically warrants a "Teen".

Stop censoring obscenities. Someone who's old enough to read that battle-scene is old enough to read the word "Shit". If you don't want to use obscene or profane language, work around it. Feel free to use some invocations of Roman gods as curse-words when appropriate, I think it would add some nice flavour.

There are a few sentences that feel cumbersome, and you need to remember to show, not tell. Some examples:

"Arminius, their ally, was riding the horse. He had betrayed them and led them into an ambush." Did you really need to tell us that, especially since the sentence " Arminius, that double-crossing filthy bastard. If I ever meet him, I’ll personally see to it that he would be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life." shows up later? Would having Marcus say something have been better?

Speaking of the sentence: " Arminius, that double-crossing filthy bastard. If I ever meet him, I’ll personally see to it that he would be tortured for the rest of his pathetic life." The italics should be is. It's one of those things that's easy to overlook when you're constantly reworking a text, but these kinds of errors are jarring.

"Inside it, he could see the land of Equestria, but of course he did not know it’s name.". Show, not tell. What is Marcus seeing through the portal? We, the readers, know he's going to Equestria, and even if we didn't know, it would be apparent where he's gone to sooner or later.

"First, however, he picked up some weapons in order to defend himself and to hunt for food later. Marcus picked up an unbroken javelin, a bow and some arrows. He still had his sword and dagger though, so he didn’t pick up any of those." The last sentence seems cumbersome. Describe how he knows he still has his sword and dagger.

A nitpick: Aquilae is plural. The singular is aquila, and I don't think our hero would have been held responsible for the other legions losing their aquilae.

Finally, a recommendation. Get someone to proofread. Find someone on the site, or hand your material to a friend before you post it.

[Ethrak]

878979

Yep. Quoth Wikipedia: "Myrmica rubra, also known as the European fire ant or common red ant, is a species of ant of the genus Myrmica, found all over Europe and in some parts of North America and Asia."

[Camokkid]

Two of my favorite things?
Shirly, this will not totally suck!

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

Hmm... noly a 'human' tag? how can you make a story without more actual tags?
Anyway, I'll get to reading this when I have the time.

[Eidolon]

"Why not? He argued. Even if I return to Rome, they’ll probably crucify me for ‘cowardice’ and for losing the aquilae. I have nothing to lose if I enter it."

Factual mistake here; Roman citizens were never crucified, regardless of their crimes. That punishment was reserved for non-citizens convicted of serious crimes.

[Frederick the Saiyan]

I like this, this is cool. A VERY clever premise, and the imagery draws me right in. Very nice!

A few notes:
"It's" vs. "Its"
"It's" is the contraction of "it is," while "its" is possessive. So: "Its chicken is green, and it's creeping me out..."
Other than that, your grammar is impeccable. Good work!

Also, watch out for repetition, such as when Fluttershy was thinking about the salad: "letting out a chuckle as she recalled the time he refused to eat a salad specially prepared for him. He stubbornly refused to eat the salad until she was forced to use her trademark Stare."
This could be rephrased to be 'As she let out a chuckle, she recalled the time that he had refused to eat a salad specially prepared for him; refused, that is, until she used her trademark Stare.'

On a final note: Is this guy suicidal or what? Barbarians ain't got NOTHING on an angry Fluttershy.

I look forward to more! This is cool.

[TheTownCrier]

879064 Yay! My knowledge has been doubled. Appreciate the info. : scootangel:

[Elitist Scum]

I have been taking Latin for three years, so if you need any help with latin, I'm your guy. (don't use Google translate, as it only uses generic translations.) I'm also good with english, so if you ever look for an editor, I can help.
All in all, you gotta good idea going on here. You have my interest.

Also, that battle was fought on a narrow forest pathway, with the Romans literally walking in a single file line. They also had women, children, slaves and supplies with them. And yeah, as mentioned above, Roman citizens were never crucified. They were typically beheaded, as it was seen as more honorable.

[richfiles]

My home town has a 100 foot tall monument to Arminius, featuring a nearly 30 foot tall copper statue!
TOTALLY gonna read this after I'm done working!

[Wayward Son]

Romans and Ponies man, fantastic dude. I love it.

[Espionage]

I know people already beat me to it but crucifixion was saved only for non-Roman citizens. The absolute worst punishment in the Roman Legion was decimatio, meaning decimation. It's when every tenth man steps forward and gets beaten to death by the other nine. And losing a battle doesn't warrant that. At most...I'd say he loses a bit of honor, gets ridiculed, and might lose a title.

[gforce]

You've caught my interest, I've always loved roman history, so i'll be watching this.

[roman117]

"Inside it, he could see the land of Equestria, but of course he did not know it’s name."

Major error.

If the character himself doesn't know what its called then don't bother typing up the name.

[weird gai]

wow.
thanks for the feedback guys

[Jack-Pony]

I think that most of my nitpicks have already been mentioned, so I won't repeat them.
I do like the concept very much. In ancient and medieval legends, portals, bridges, or doors, etc... to other 'lands'/ 'worlds' were common place. I eagerly await the next installment to see how this progresses!

[weird gai]

880649
Alright I'll change that

[weird gai]

879031
Well, being in a family where expletives aren't *ahem* encouraged...

[weird gai]

879350
Guess I need to pay more attention in school, heh

[Frederick the Saiyan]

888917 Actually, I think its/it's isn't really covered in school. I know I've had to Google it several times to keep it straight. After a certain point, I think teachers assume you know it/are tired of talking about it, and decide to move on to other things, like Aristotelian (which I have just mangled the spelling of) Appeals and what-not.

[Ethrak]

888908

Okay, you don't want to use expletives. That's perfectly fine, and you don't have to justify to me or anyone else why you don't want to use them. What I'm saying is, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Work around it, find other ways to express the same sentiments without using the words. Blacking out words you wrote yourself is, at least in my opinion, a cheap cop-out, and it looks strange to me on-page.

It seems like a small thing, I know, but it is one of the things that, at least for me, keeps this at being merely decent, rather than good. And your work deserves to be good.

[Fireheart 1945]

Moar plz

[Uxion]

Not to necro, but you realize that 3 Roman legions are 15,000 soldiers right?

[richfiles]

Any chance of updates to this one?

[TheTownCrier]

4736829
Before coffee it's 49. But afterwards it jumps to 120.
Yeah I can turn a zombie into Einstein in 12 cups.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

4736855 Way to drag up a 2 year old comment. And yah, I misspelled 'only'. Big whoop. At least I didn't condense my speech into text speak.

[ImChangingmynameforreaso]

4737834 EG:
U wat m8? I'll fukin nock u right in the gabber u cunt!

[richfiles]

4736786 Lol. I'm checking for new horse words at 12:56AM, cause I like to read about ponies on my breaks!

Still hoping you'll continue with this idea.

[richfiles]

4738699 Yeah, I think this would be an interesting story, and i liked what I read so far.
Well... Ah downloaded mah pony tales to mah phone.
Reckon Ah ought to hit the hay now.
Y'all don't fergit Ah'd love to read more on this Arminius feller.

[Jack-Pony]

4736708 Dude, Necromancy on a story dead for two years? Why?

[Scarheart]

s***

Either use profanity or don't. Censoring it is jarring.

[Master Builder]

You need to continue this.