If someone tells you something is true, question it. If it is true then questions can not hurt it.
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Three curious fillies...check
Owl delivered school letters ... check
Boy named Harry Potter ... check
Dash of Discord ... check
This can't possibly end well.
**Public safety notice::: Do not drive while spouse is reading latest chapter out loud. While this may considerably stroke the author's ego, in a guilt inducing manner, it may not be conducive for maintaining low insurance rates **
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When it said 'School' and 'Crossover' I immediately thought of Hogwarts
Yas! A Harry Potter crossover! This is going to be awesome!
This is fun. I love a good Harry Potter crossover. Will this take place during the movies timeline?
8121675 Harry is going to be eleven, so yes.
8123923 oh boy, cutie mark crusader dark lord destroyers yay!
Alright. I'm stoked for a good MLP/Potterverse crossover. The start has been pretty good so far too. You're even showing reasonably smart, responsible and concerned adult figures (Discord largely excluded, of course). A definite plus. I can't wait to see how their sorting goes for one. And how they interact. Not quite sure where in timeline this is, but Minerva is still Deputy, so that's a hint.
I can see it now, all of the first and second year students around either flock the crusaders or faint, both cases involving their cuteness
The bad news is, you get absolutely zero points for originality.
The good news is, you're writing the characters very well. That's loads more important.
Addressing your audience is bad form. It breaks the flow of the story.
Lecturing your audience is worse. All I did was stop reading and skip to the next paragraph.
You've got a handful of typos like this, too. Honestly you're doing better than most in that regard.
The start of this chapter, at least, is very dialog heavy, without a lot of description. You spent a lot of energy on "long pig" which, by the way, is one of the more disturbing descriptors of humans I have heard, but skipped over any meaningful description of the Crusaders themselves, their adaption to their transformations, or anyone around them. As a result the scene with whoever-that-was came off as bland and a little forced. I almost stopped before they got to Gringotts.
At Gringotts, you still aren't detailing enough. Spend a paragraph or two more describing the building, the people. How does it look, how does it sound, how does it smell? Compare it to anything a trio of rural fillies would be familiar with. The interactions with the goblins went well enough, but it still came off as bland.
You pulled it back with Scootaloo on the minecarts. You differentiated between the characters and played with the setting at the same time. That's the sort of thing you should try and do more.
Minerva is...questionable. She has many admirable qualities, but she isn't terribly nice. Caring, yes, but in a strict and disciplinarian way. I would have expected her to push for answers a bit harder.
And a final note, remember that parchment is untanned animal hide, usually from a cow, goat, or similar. It's certainly nothing that Equestria would be familiar with.
And suddenly I'm remembered why I'm still reading this. You, sir, are silly.
I think bribing a princess isn't an acceptable defense...although it will probably be effective.
Do not, under any circumstances, have Minerva bemoan the unjust persecution of nonhumans by the Ministry. We've read that already, lots of times. It's never well done, it's never interesting, and it ignores how most of those policies are in place for a damn good reason.
Instant.
8135571 First of all, let me thank you for your criticism. It can only serve to help me improve on what I'm trying to do here.
Putting idea to paper is significantly harder than I had thought, making me all the more appreciative of the fanfic authors I have enjoyed over the years. Both good and bad.
My hope is that you and others enjoy my attempts.
This is shaping up very well. I like how you're writing the characters. I still think you should be more descriptive, but "write more stuff" is my only criticism. What you have written already is quality work.
They bigger that cats anyway. In Stare Master we see that Sweetie at least two times bigger that Opal. And considering that untrained unicorn like Twilight able to haul Tom for hours - also most likely several time stronger.
8140045
I will concede that Sweetie is two times larger than opal, but I propose that Scootaloo's comment is still valid. If you ask any medium size dog they will probably tell you 'Woof woof, grrrr woof." And although Google translate has been known to work miracles, I'll translate for you.
Roughly this means "Being larger than a cat is not synonymous to being bigger than it."
In fact, you forgot to consider the common house cat's 3.2534 'Oh my god, it's trying to eat my face!' size multiplier. While not as impressive as the wolverine's 8.124, it is still a factor to be respected.
As for your stronger, well I'll see that and raise you claws and a bad attitude.
8140241 Opal has that "I am the only thing that matters, ever, anywhere, you peasant" vibe, but seriously you guys are being mean to the adorable fluffy balls of love and purrs.
8140581
She's a cat!!!! You can't trust her!
Look at those beady little cat eyes
Just look at those claws.
and and the teeth
did I mention claws?
Case in Point
This looks like it is going to be a good story, I can't wait to see what's in store for the CMC
If the mirror freaked em out, can't wait to see what happens at hogwarts!
Considering that Lauren Faust said that Scootaloo disabled (Bulk Biceps flying on much smaller wings)... Yeah, brooms may be her only chance to fly.
Hurray for scoots!
Wizard childhood can be lonely, eh? Understandable, considering how scattered and insular wizard families tend to be.
8155152 Insular?
Hmm, I wonder what houses they'll be in, I could see them in Grifindor, especially Scootaloo, but not sure what you're going to do.
I'm really looking forward to Sweetie Belle in potions class. I wonder if it's even possible to use burnt toast as an alchemy ingredient.
Please make this happen!
The Cutie Mark Crusaders certainly belong in Gryffindor, the home of wizards brave and true.
Well first time author, time to follow Ryvaken with more bad news. You've made two rather common first time author mistakes so far... well, two that really jump out anyway. First, incomplete understanding of dialogue formatting. To wit; unvoiced thoughts are in fact dialogue, which you got right, but they have a different formatting to distinguish them from spoken thoughts. If the Dialogue comes out the character's mouth, it gets quotation marks. If it stays inside the character's head, it is put in italics... though if you are worried about the italics tags getting eaten you can also add something other than quotation marks in addition to the italics, like an apostrophe. All the other dialogue rules, which you used properly, apply normally.
Secondly; you failed to go back and read through all your sentences to make sure you actually typed all the words you thought. If it's what to run away screaming? Too late? Too soon? Time? This missing bit is actually integral to the humor of this sentence and its absence makes it just flop.
Remember, people make long involved criticisms because they care! People who don't care just throw short/vague insults... usually riddled with misspellings and terrible grammar.
Will the CMC be put into separate houses? I'd actually kind of like to see that.
If it turns out meat is the only thing Sweetie Belle can cook properly, I don't know if I would find it hilarious or disconcerting... Eitherway, it's neat to see the Crusader's displaying the virtues their sisters (sister figures) stand for. Being honest in their means, generous in their gains and loyal to their friends.
And I guess they didn't figure out a way to get Ron a new wand?
I'm not sure if that 'defiant' is a typo or not. Because it still works in that sentence because it's Discord
"Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher."
"Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal."
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8127906
This is a perfect example of why one should read the comments before commenting one's self. In this case you would have seen that two days before you read this chapter and commented the author responded to someone else saying that Harry Potter is eleven in this story... placing it as during the first book. So Sweetie Belle the unicorn is going to Hogwarts while Quirrell is murdering unicorns and drinking their blood on Moldywort's behalf.
8163825 It was either a slip of my typing or Sweetie Belle misspoke. Regardless, it does work better that what was intended.
Yay, Harry's there!
Why did you have to end it on Equestia
It dourered the giggles I had from the Hogwarts sections... but honestly... Discord, could you not let them know? It's perfectly in character for you and all, but still... A little word to the sisters would have been nice. Hopefully Sweetie can get her mind off eating meat and cooking anything that moves long enough to write them a letter...
8169229 Damn it. I scrolled down here to comment before even reading because I was soooo excited for some nice wholesome fluffiness after a crappy story day and I see a comment revealing the presence of sadz! *le sigh* Oh well, forewarned is forearmed. Of course I lost my last sadz resistant hat in the Great Haz-a-Sad-Nowz storm of '16. Oh it was awful, sad Luna's, pouting crusaders, and wobbly lipped Twilights everywhere! I swear I saw three teary Sweetie Belles staring down a cakeless Lyra.
I don't like the scenes in Equestria. It's time for Discord to fess up. We want to see CMC shenanigans at Hogwarts, not ponies worried about their missing friends.
I'd rather read about CMC shenanigans than ponies walkin' 'round bein' worried. It would be cool if Hedwig was granted the ability to cross dimensions because of Sweetie wanting to send a letter or something. It's also nice to see Scoot n' AB to be in magic school and not be discriminated for having passive forms of magic. I love the fact that Sweetie got used to eating meat pretty fast and that the three become a tower when they're scared.
8169495 I have a feeling sweetie is gonna be eating a lot of different types of meat for some reason.
Seriously, Discord, say something already!
On the bright side I totally called that they'd all be in Griffyndor, yay!
8169522 Yep.
Loving this story, looking forward to the next chapter. Hopefully there won't be too many sad scenes in Equestria. Also I hope the girls continue to be oblivious when it comes to how humans feel about nudity.
This is great! Wonder how the quiddich thing is going to play out though, will harry still become seeker, or will it be scoots
Great chapter but you really need to stop ending chapters on a downer man my heart can't take it.
I love this fic for the following reasons, in order:
The characterization.
The humor.
The writing.
The premise.
Please don't let this die after becoming amazing like Wizard and the Lonely Princess.
Just wondering, do you have an editor yet?
If not, I can do it if you want. I am one of those strange people that actually like editing.
Just PM me if you want some extra help. And if you put everything into a Google Doc, I can edit faster, easier, and give wording suggestions without permanently changing anything.
(And I definitely understand the "first story" thing. Trust me, my first fic was much, much worse.)
Now, for some preliminary advice - like others have said, your formatting is bad right now, but that is mostly due to not knowing what the correct format is. There is some strangeness of wording in the first paragraph as well.
Still, you do characters really well. Something that I had to learn through a lot of practice (I probably wrote 5 or 6 stories that I scrapped because I didn't really create any interesting characters to go along with the events.)
On what Ryvaken said: you can do a situation like this. The type where Discord sends people somewhere for a crossover. But crossovers are hard to get right. You can't just mash the worlds together. You have to add something new. Something interesting other than just the interactions between them.
Either that, or you need to create a complex and intriguing plot of adventure and excitement within that combined world. Something a lot harder that takes a lot of work. Really, it depends on the type of writer you are.
And now that's over, I just have to say...
I can't wait for more!
One thing I noticed in the transformation "adaptation" is that the explanation sounded more like an "excuse".
I think that first, you should have described their new appearances in detail. Never assume that readers know certain information.
Then, you should have shown how they adapted, and all those reasons you said, with dialogue and actions. Then it will seem a lot more natural.
I mean, it's cliche, but "show, don't tell" applies here very well. Never explain something through narration that you can do with dialogue or character actions.
(Don't worry. I was a lot worse than you at this sort of thing. I just learned this stuff through practice.)
Edit after reading rest of chapter: Still, you are improving with incredible rapidity, and my enthusiasm for this story is only growing. I certainly hope you develop this passive magic for Scootaloo and Apple Bloom (and possible alternate method for Sweetie Belle). The fact that you can already handle multiple perspectives bodes well for the success of the story.
Still, the first chapter should be edited, so that people aren't turned away by something as simple as inexperience for an otherwise excellent story.
First off, I'm gonna slap you if you keep up this ending with the downer moments. Don't give us all this cute then shove that on us! This isn't a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans! And even if it was, it wouldn't be that at the end every time!
Now that that's out of the way... Is Discord's game to upset the timeline? Is I'm pretty sure that was Discord. Is that why he's not back chilling in Flutter's place with tea and sandwiches dropping vague hints that the fillies are fine? Curiouser and curiouser...
Hopefully the girls don't keep that wake up routine forever. Because in a little while the boys are gonna be happy for a whole 'nother reason
Dumbledore's long game just got it's legs cut out from under it though. But so did the plot... With Ginny having the girls as her circle, and being their a year early at that, I can't see the journal trick working on her this time around... And that's just one shift in events...
There are a few mistakes here and there, especially with formatting direct thinking vs. narration of a character's thoughts, but overall a lot better.
And a great chapter, too.
HAH! Take that you fortune cookie prophecy! OUR DESTINIES ARE OUR OWN TO FIND!
8155243 Wizarding families are few and far between. Muggles are the vast majority. You see this in the Quiddich Wold Cup, where Portkeys were distributed to giant regions, and yet only a few wizards or witches came with each one.
...And now there's almost no trace of the inexperience.
Anyway, one last piece of advice: Capitalize each word of your titles. Both the story and the chapter titles. (Except for words like "the" and "and.")
It makes it look more professional, and it was one of the reasons that I stayed away from this story the first two times I saw it.
(I'm glad I did read it, though. It isn't often that I find a good Harry Potter crossover.)