By Eywa's eternal stars, we cast thee to oblivion.
~War-cry of the Stars of Twilight Legion
~STORY COMING SOON~
Disclaimer: the Stars of Twilight are a custom Legion/Chapter of my own creation.
Twilight Sparkle never expected that she'd become an Alicorn Princess, but decided to make the most of it. She faced many hardships and struggles against the Nobles that opposed all the changes she tried to bring. Her friends, family and fellow princesses always gave her their support, but it wasn't enough. No, of all people, Twilight got her reassurance from a godly being that she met and befriended in a pocket dimension she accidentally found one day. Worried for His new companion, the being decides to make contact with one of the Lost Legions. He may not have appreciated it then, but now He was thankful that the worlds ruled by His XIth Son were unknowingly worshipping the youngest Alicorn as their Goddess.
Main theme of the story is a loose adaptation of the Assassinverse stories made by The Sinestro Joker, except that in mine Twilight doesn't die in the first act.
So some problems:
First, why are these Astartes allowed to worship anyone but the god emperor? Wouldn't they have all been blammed by now? Explain.
Second, put some space between each of your paragraphs. The structure you have here is hard to read.
Third, the pacing is way to quick. Slow down, how was the town before the traditionalists attacked? How did twilight act when she saw here subjects being slaughtered?
Fix these problems and you'll have a decent story on your hands.
Alright, 2 things wrong.
"Legion" I believe you mean chapter.
And no, they are still Astartes, GW still has the rights.
Okay, with that said i will hazard a read.
8212124 This is only a sneak peak of the story, and everything will be explained. I have yet to complete the lore for them, and I plan to send a copy to 40k Theories for him to make a 'Hombrew of the Week' video. After he posts the video I'll start working on the full story. This is only a preview to give you a vague idea of what will occur in the story.
8212138 They're the Eleventh Legion.
Well that is by definition a Traditionalist. And dude, some build up please.
I honestly think they would prefer to stay rich and drink tea then bother with that, but whatever.
... alarms are ringing.
Heh. Irony.
The one that was completely annihilated by the Space Wolfs and had their Primarchs killed by Russ? That eleventh Legion?
Okay! So, story so far, Twi is goin to town, people kill everyone, space marines kill everyone. In about 700 words. And she is a God too.
40k lore aside, the pacing on this was at the speed of sound. If it started with twi at home planning this trip, and we get mention of people upset with her ascension, that would help. And also, Twi's struggle is down to "pony's died and her barrier is all between life and death". An entire critical story, summed in a paragraph. And resolved just as quickly. You need to slow down a bit and write this all through.
40k lore issues, Legion XI is nonexistent. Only the First Legion, Luna Wolfs, Imperial Fists, and Space Wolfs existed when the Emperor found the two erased Primarchs, when they were then killed to test Lemon's power. The legions never got created. Next, goddess Eywa... What are you thinking? The Emperor had an Ultimatum on this. Word Bearers saying "By the God of Mankind" i will buy, not much else.
... those are my gripes.
8212167 It's a Homebrew. Plus, Leman Russ being sent to exterminate the II and XI Legions is only speculation: what happened to them is a mystery. And as the chapter's title suggests, this isn't the actual story; just a peak into what happens. I'll take what you've said into consideration in both the story and how I do their lore (as it's still being developed), but everything will be explained in time.
8212205 It's actually confirmed thanks to... one if the Horus Heresy books (I can't remember which of the 60 it is). But yeah, Lemon did them in.
Anyhow, why would you do a preview chapter, i assumed that meant prologue because what you did is unheard of to me.
Other than that, if you take that advice to heart, I'll definitely consider reading more chapters.
This has possibilities, I’m following
If they are calling themselves the XI legion, shouldn’t the chaplain have said Legio Astartes?
Interesting... this is definitely an angle that I haven’t seen done before, please continue.
8212213
I think that he’s going for an AU here. Besides, it’s not unusual for GW to screw with their own canon from time to time. Daemon-possessed Pariah anyone?
8212124
The legions are actually allowed freedom of worship to a surprising degree within the Imperium proper. Mostly because nobody wants to piss off the post-human super-soldiers that defend them from the very worst the galaxy has to offer. The Space Wolves for example believe in the reverence of the ‘spirits’, particularly those of their homeworld Fenris. Chaplains exist to record a particular Chapter’s faith and preach it to their brothers in arms, not to spread the Imperial Creed.
8212167
I gotta agree with you there, I have no idea what to make of the Traditionalists. On the one hand it doesn’t surprise me that they would feel that way, the Canterlot Nobility are infamously racist/specist/classist, but on the other hand what kind of threat does Twilight pose to them and their power-base? Equestria has been their proverbial oyster for hundreds of years now, they’re fat, happy, and above all content. These are ponies who are so out of touch with the rest of Equestria they didn’t even know who the Elements of Harmony were despite there literally being stained glass windows of them in the Palace halls.
The only way I see them going so far as to fund a radical right-wing political movement is if Twilight genuinely threatened their cushy lifestyles.
8212574
Firstly, fair enough, but Black Library is referred to as canon, and that hasn't been changed for a while.
Secondly, yes, but no. The Emperor made it an Ultimatum to have no Gods be worshipped, not him, not any others. The Wolfs have their spirits, the Dark Angels their guardians and beasts, the Salamanders their fire fetish, the Imperial Fists their pain fetish, but none of these are gods. The Word Bearers worshipped the Emperor as a god, and had their crown jewel erased from existence. That is my gripe. The word "Goddess" is the issue, not much more.
8212621
Oh, you think this is a Pre-Heresy group? I was operating on the assumption that it was a Post-Heresy group, one that had fallen far from the lofty ideals of the Imperial Truth. Particularly the way the supposed leader of the group that arrived on Equestria preached about stagnation sounds like he had been there, and would have made more sense if he had been talking about the Imperium as a whole.
Well it's a what if scenario ... what I mean is the XI was supposed to be destroyed for worshipping so what if they were given the option by Russ or the God emperor to be destroyed or worship/serve another thus they were shown mercy thus twilights title. Didn't the description say she meet another being in a other reality after all and she must've befriended them in some way resulting in them wanting her protected after all ...... friendship is magic.....and bullets ...and flamethrower .lol.
So, I’m guessing that Twilight got heavily twisted by the Warp when she was stolen away with the other Primarchs? Turning into an equine is a bit worse than growing wings or whatnot (to say nothing of the simpler matter of having changed gender). Does the Stars of Twilight geneseed have any special properties apart from those of the baseline abilities? Did they have a homeworld or were they fleet-based?
Worshiping a Goddess... must be a post-Heresy thing if it hasn’t been stamped out already. It’s not like the Legions aren’t capable of keeping secrets (right, Alpharius?). If they need to mention her outside of a Chapter, just call her their patron Saint or something. With the distance and times between different parts of the Galaxy, it’s not like anyone would be able to recognize all the Saints throughout the history of the worship of the God-Emperor, so not recognizing one can’t be that unusual.
What I’m not seeing is Twilight as a Primarch. The Primarchs are universally just better than everyone else. Yes, Twilight’s magically and intellectually superior and has developed a fair bit of charisma, but until her presumably-recent alicornification she didn’t have the all-around supremacy that made other Primarchs uplift entire civilizations and conquer entire planets. And there were other alicorns before her...
Poor Twilight’s going to have a bad time when she sees how little use Friendship is going to be against things like the Dark Eldar... although if they could transplant the Tree of Harmony onto a Battle Barge, maybe they could weaponize it? Or at least use it for safer and quicker passage through the Warp.
It looks like she lucked out, landing on this world. She’s of the dominant species of the planet, of which a third of the population is psykers that somehow have no risk of becoming dangerous (or maybe that isn’t because they’re unicorns, but a side-effect of the artificially-managed ecosystem?). The inherent magic of non-unicorns could likely be amplified or otherwise harnessed with technological assistance. If she did ever unite them under her, they’d have made a splendid force for her eventual voyage into the stars. The planet has been pretty low in attacks from the forces of Chaos, which were mild ones at that. And if they ever encounter Orks, the earth ponies’ affinity with nature would make finding and burning their spores easy... if Fluttershy doesn’t tame them first, that is. Lots of diversity in the sapient races of the planet--and as a Primarch, they would have eventually come to her anyways.
Said right after burning their prisoners alive.
Although to be fair, even giving them the opportunity to plead (and bother making arguments back) is pretty merciful by WH40k standards.
8213944 Everything you said made me laugh, especially the last part. While the idea of Twilight being a Primarch before some Warp f
ery turned him/her into a female pony is interesting and hilarious, that’s not what happens. After I post the next chapter for A Mother’s Love I’ll start writing up the lore in full.
8212874
The discription implies pre-Heresy.
Admitingly that could be a Golden Throne Emperor...
8214044
Yeah... I don’t think you could reach the Emperor normally through a pocket dimension, otherwise Chaos would have figured that out ages ago and constantly swarmed him with an endless tide of Daemons, but while on the Golden Throne shards of the Emperor’s power and personality stretch as far as the light of the Astronomican can reach. Also, funny story, Eywa is the name of the freaky tree-god from the movie Avatar (the James Cameron one), I wonder if this has any connection back to the tree of Harmony?
8213944
Twilight most definitely isn’t a Primarch. I mean, I suppose she might be powerful enough and intelligent enough for it... if you squint, and ignore small hiccups like that time she was being chased by a hydra and forgot she could teleport, oh, and that time a regular unicorn still laid the smackdown on her in her post-ascension state, but overall she just doesn’t have the physique for it. No, from the description it seems more likely that she met with some small piece of the Emperor, and that said piece of the Emperor spoke of her to some of his marines. They then proceeded to get it into their heads that she was some kind of goddess, and developed a cult around her.
Also the Traditionalists attempted to assassinate their deity, there’s heresy and then there’s HERESY. That is definitively the latter. After all, what kind of protectors would they be if they just let their goddesses’ would-be-killers go? Just because she is merciful doesn’t mean that they have to be.
----------
I guess the part that’s really bothering me is that Twilight just isn’t powerful enough to be a goddess. I mean, don’t get me wrong, power-wise she’s strictly upper tier, but as she is I doubt she’s even as strong as Malcador the Sigilite, let alone a true deity. I suppose they could believe that she’s a still-gestating deity, such as Slaanesh before the fall, and seek to protect her until she reaches her true potential. Which, come to think of it, is actually a very real possibility. Twilight was an exceptionally powerful unicorn and is now linked both to the Element of Magic and the Rainbow Light. Not to mention that by Alicorn standards she’s still incredibly young, heck, even Cadence, the least powerful alicorn had at least a decade if not more to grow into her power, and despite being nothing special beforehand (in the power department mind you) was still powerful enough to throw up what was essentially a holy, love-powered void shield around the entire Crystal Empire for several days straight.
8214571
That's unfair to Cadence. That girl smacked down Belissima (i think that was her name) while just pegasus foal. I'd figure being a pegasus first and not unicorn leads to physical power over magical.
8214678
Eh, it’s fair enough after the beat-down Chrysalis gave her. No matter which way you slice it, foalhood heroics aside, Cadence just isn’t a fighter. Oh sure, she can fight, probably better than most mortal ponies could, but the second she runs into an upper-tier villain like Chrysalis or Sombra she gets shut down. I mean, I can kind-of-sort-of understand her losing to Chrysalis, if all her power is love-based then she’s basically trying to hurt Chrysalis with food, not very effective I’d imagine. But with Sombra his power is literally her diametric opposite, the very touch of her magic burned at him like acid, she should have easily been able to take him out on her own. The only reason I’d imagine she wouldn’t is if Celestia gave her a direct order to stall instead of engaging him, in which case Celestia is a dick because Cadence looked dead on her hooves by the time Twilight got there.
8214733
I wouldn't be suprised if Celi asked that of Cadence.
8214733
Actually, I think Cadance would have been at a big disadvantage trying to fight Sombra in the middle of the Crystal Empire. Sombra’s magic uses A.) crystals and B.) fear. The entire city is composed of crystals, and all of the inhabitants are so scared shitless of him that the ponies living there get reduced to shuddering wrecks just by talking about him. The entire city would likely serve as one titanic well of power for him.
A fight in a neutral zone would probably be in Cadance’s favor, but not there.
Would love to see more
8214010
Next Chapter.
So I take it that this was a prologue than a sneak-peak?
8219121 Sorta-kinda-not really. After I complete the lore I’ll figure out a good place to allow people to see it and then I’ll post the actual prologue... which I’ll like’y title as such.
8220872
that's fine, just a bit confused that's all.
Hurry up and do this story, cause it's gonna get one hay ride of a story, and it will be funny.
8212205
Will you post a blog post when the video comes out? Preferably with a link or imbedded. Just curious because I want to see how this story goes...
8235846 Oh, I'll definitely be sending a copy to Remleiz on his 40k Theories Facebook page and hope that he makes a video, but I don't have all the things I want for it. He says that we (people sending him the Homebrews) must include some images of the Marines and other things in the Chapter; I already have MK-IV Marines from the Betrayal at Calth boxset, a special edition Terminator Captain, Sternguard Veterans Squad, the Captain from the Space Marine Company Command, a personalised Space Marine Commander and a free Primaris Marine just today (17/06/2017, AUS) at my Warhammer store to celebrate the launch of the Dark Imperium boxset all painted in the the Legion's colors. I'm hoping to get either the Burning of Prospero or Dark Imperium boxsets (or hell, both if I'm super lucky) for my birthday that's coming up, but I want to remodel/convert the Guiliman model into my Primarch and put him on a Stormcast Eternal Stardrake because Warp-f
ery gives his planet actual dragons and because I can.
As for your question: yes, once (if) the video is made, I will link it. Although I'm debating with myself if I should add the lore to the actual prologue chapter; by that I mean I write up the actual prologue for the story and have the lore for you and anyone else to see underneath it with some 'horizontal rules' to separate them. Tell me if I should do that and I'll think about it.
Whens the actual story coming out?
8241036 When I've completed the lore, and I don't know when that'll be.
8242097
Dont overwhelm yourself with lore my freind, its easy to get burnt out and miss the point of the story by writing tons of background for the world without first having a good direction for the plot.
8242151 Oh, I meant the lore for the Stars of Twilight themselves, as there are a few Easter-eggs between that and the prologue. Plus I do have a rough idea of what happens already: Twilight becomes a princess, she advocates for some changes to Equestrian society, some ponies don't like that, they try to kill her, the Space Marines show up, save Twilight, call her their goddess and serve her, she takes some back to Canterlot, Celestia's a bit nervous about them, someone tries to invade Equestria, the Space Marines f
them up, and the story goes on from there.
8242400
Dont you think thats, i dont know, a little overdone?
8242407 Meh🤷 I'll have time to change it.
Give SFAccountant's Heart of Iron series a read, dude knows how to portrayal 40k with ponies.
That aside, this has done potential. Try not to go full cliché with the story, show us more of the guys that worship Twilight and why they do it. Yeah, this is just a sneak peak, but take care for that in the story itself. Also, calm down. The pace of this one felt rushed like hell.
Anyway, tracking and hoping for a good read when you publish it
I need this fic in my life. The Emperor preserve us in our need.
Please tell me there will be an update to this wonderful story, soonish??
8385756 Working on it.
8388879
and when you do, it going to be interesting.
DUDE I FUCKING LOVE THIS!! AND YOUR CHAPTER!!! (THE SPACE MARINE CHAPTER NOT THE STORY CHAPTER)
8214083
sums it up nicely.
definitely interested now, wondering how this came to be tho, i mean the imperium pretty xenophobic, howed did this happen.
8424734 Will be explained in both Legion/Chapter lore and the story in time.
8425665
MOAR!! and i need a another chapter i need something to unleash my burning hatred from a displaced fic that involved the FUCKING CARIBOU
8445665 I actually plan on adding the Caribou for small a plot point. Nothing too major.
Caribou attack an Equestrian town, Twilight finds out, she and her Space Marines get pissed, Caribou get slaughtered.