The Revelation
The Taxman Cometh
By Alaborn
Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.
Chapter 2: The Revelation
Monday, January 28, 2019
Ponyville, Principality of Equestria
As I felt myself reach the end of the metaphorical tunnel that was the portal between worlds, I instinctively leaned forward, preparing to once again stand on four legs. My front hooves planted firmly on the ground, and under all four hooves I felt the cold earth. The biting winter air told me I was outside.
Looking around to get my bearings, I recognized where I had landed. I didn’t recognize it from living in Ponyville, but rather from its animated representation. I was standing in front of Fluttershy’s cottage. A thick blanket of snow covered the cottage’s roof, but around the house the snow was gone, pushed away by the passage of countless animals.
I didn’t really know Fluttershy in person; she was shy by nature, of course, and neither Rose nor I took care of a pet. So there was really no reason for me to appear here, unless somepony else had gotten his hooves, or rather mismatched hands, into it.
“DISCORD!” I screamed.
The draconequus appeared, wearing a traditional butler’s uniform. A towel was draped over his thicker arm, and he carried a silver tray with two glasses of chocolate milk. “You rang?”
“What did you do?” I hissed.
“Just my good deed for the day,” he replied, now back to his normal look. “You missed your 8:00 train, so I thought I’d help you out and bring you over myself. It wouldn’t look good for our civil servants to be late, now would it?”
“Do you even know what I was doing?” I yelled. “I was standing in front of two agents of the federal government. You know, the people from whom we’re trying to hide the existence of Equestria?”
“Oh, pish-posh. Stuffy suits are no danger to us.”
I took a deep breath and continued, trying to stay calm. “I’ve seen Princess Twilight Sparkle’s checklist for first contact. It’s a scroll three pony lengths long,” I said. “You ruin that plan, and it’s going to make her upset. Make her upset, and her friends will notice. Particularly Fluttershy; she’s always an attentive listener. She’ll be so mad that you made her friend upset. Maybe we should speed up the process, and talk to Fluttershy right now?”
“You wouldn’t dare,” Discord said. “Look, mistakes were made, things happened, yadda yadda, but you can smooth things over by talking to them.”
“Them?” I felt my ears swivel as they picked up a noise behind me, movement and soft moaning. I turned and saw two unknown beings lying on the ground, just beginning to recover from the transit between worlds. One was a griffon with tawny fur, the other an indigo-coated thestral with a cutie mark of a magnifying glass and a tax form. Both still wore their dark suits, but the clothes came through the portal in Equestrian style, meaning without pants. The thestral must have been Agent Ponta, since he came through with the same sunglasses.
Discord looked over the recovering humans. “A meat eater and a bloodsucker. How delightfully appropriate!” he said.
I glared at Discord, and then focused on the others. Their movements reminded me of when I woke up in Equestria the first time. One’s instinct is to get on one’s hands and knees, which maps to how ponies normally stand. Then the human mind says to stand up, which for a pony is rearing. And ponies can normally only rear for a minute at most. A recently transformed human just falls over.
After they fell over, I offered my assistance. When he saw me, Lepore rubbed his eyes. Ponta just smacked his face; he looked like he was trying to take off his sunglasses.
Ponta finally noticed the hoof in front of his face. “What the...?”
Lepore was also noticing his hands were no longer hands, but talons. I looked at him. “It’s magic.”
“Huh?”
“Your question about the old bills? I still don’t know, but the answer is going to come down to ‘It’s magic’.”
The two agents looked at me, looked at Discord, looked all around. They had the expressions of people who were desperately trying to rationalize their unbelievable situation.
“Look. Follow me, and I’ll get you all the answers I can,” I said. “We’ll leave once Discord apologizes to you.”
“What? Me? What did I do?” he protested.
“You know what you did,” I said. “I’m sure you don’t want to find yourself in the doghouse, Discord. Especially with Fluttershy training that ouroboros.”
Discord crossed his arms and scowled. “Fine. I apologize for bringing anyhuman to Equestria.”
“Good.” I turned to the agents. “Let’s go.”
I winced as Ponta stumbled again. “I know it’s hard, but stop thinking about it. The opposite corner legs move, but just feel how your body wants to move.”
Walking back to Ponyville was taking a lot longer than I guessed. I expected the stumbles from the recently transformed humans, but they kept stopping to stare. It seemed like Ponyville was pulling out all the stops to shock their unsuspecting minds. First there was the weather team, pegasi flying and moving clouds in for the afternoon’s snowfall. There were unicorns carrying things in their magic, earth ponies pulling sleds with other ponies riding, ponies and cows chatting in the fields... every step brought another thing to blow their minds.
It didn’t help when they spotted our destination, the crystal palace of Princess Twilight Sparkle. “How is that even standing?” Lepore said.
“Magic,” I said.
“Magic,” Ponta echoed. He didn’t sound convinced.
It didn’t help matters when we entered the castle, and the first thing the newcomers saw was a dragon. “Go get Twilight,” I told Spike. “It’s about the Friendship Bridge, and it’s an emergency.”
Spike nodded and ran off. The Friendship Bridge was Twilight Sparkle’s codename for our cross-universe project. Let’s just say she’s a better organizer than namer.
Twilight Sparkle wasted no time, teleporting into the foyer to meet us. That caused the others to scream and step back. They lost their footing on the crystal floor, and ended up on their rumps.
“Stone Arch! What happened?” she asked me.
“I missed the portal because I was stopped by two agents of my government,” I said. “And thanks to a certain helpful draconequus, I was pulled here with them following me.”
Twilight Sparkle looked off, in the direction of Fluttershy’s cottage and Discord, and growled softly. Her eye twitched, a twitch born of a perfect checklist she could no longer use. But her experience as a princess showed. She recovered quickly, smiled, and invited everypony to discuss matters over tea.
For what was the first diplomatic meeting between representatives of her government and mine, Princess Twilight Sparkle handled it very casually. Of course, it was an unofficial meeting, and I doubted these two agents had any diplomatic training. Introductions were made, and then we sat in comfortable overstuffed chairs and drank tea while the princess briefly discussed the program that led to me living and working in Equestria.
“So let me get this straight,” Lepore said to me. “You left your family, traveled to an entirely different universe, and became another species, just for a job?”
I shrugged. “I tried to find a local job, but all I got was ‘we’ll keep your resume on file’. Equestria had a job for me in my field. The choice was easy. It’s what my cutie mark is telling me.”
Ponta choked on his tea. “Your cutie mark?”
“It represents a pony’s special talent,” Twilight Sparkle said.
I nodded. Thankfully, these two didn’t know about the cartoon. It was one less thing to try to explain.
“Now that I’ve explained what we’re doing, would you please tell us how you came to investigate my friend?” Twilight Sparkle asked. “I trust he was not revealing any of our secrets.”
“It all started with two $100 bills that we pulled from circulation, which were thought to have been shredded previously,” Lepore began.
He provided a summary of his investigation, including how it was just happenstance that they tracked a bill with a flagged serial number backwards from the Federal Reserve Bank to my bank, and the teller remembered me making the deposit.
“It’s fascinating how the magic of the portal interpreted the conversion of money, under the restriction of Star Swirl’s Fourth Law, when the destination currency comes in individually identifiable pieces,” Twilight Sparkle said.
“This is a load of crap,” Ponta said.
“It’s all true,” Twilight Sparkle said.
An idea came to mind. “We can prove it. How much money did you have in your wallet?”
Ponta shrugged. “About $100?”
“Then you’ll find a pouch with coins worth around 50 bits somewhere on your person. Probably, in a pouch tucked under your mane. It’s how the magic of the portal works.”
Ponta looked skeptical, but he felt around his neck. I saw his eyes open wider as his hoof nudged a hidden pouch; it fell down, dangling from his neck. He tried to open its drawstrings, not knowing he needed to use his mouth. I eventually took pity on him, and opened it with my magic.
His eyes widened as he saw the large coins inside. “Are those gold coins?” he said.
“One hundred percent real gold,” I replied.
“Actually, Equestrian gold coins are 90% gold, alloyed with 10% copper for strength and durability,” Twilight Sparkle corrected me.
“Just like our old gold coins,” Lepore noted. “Exactly like them.”
I hadn't realized that, but I should have expected it. “That’s par for the course here,” I said. “There’s a lot here that’s a reflection of our world. Doorknobs, for example.”
“I’m pretty sure I saw a pony with a snow shovel,” Ponta said. He held up a hoof. “Why did it look just like ours? That doesn’t make any sense!”
“It’s magic,” I said, at the same time as Twilight Sparkle.
“So, every anomaly we noticed in our investigation was just magic?” Lepore asked.
“Incredible magic, magic we will need to study in greater detail to fully understand,” she replied. “Of course, for now, you’re going to have to leave your investigation unsolved. I know your world doesn’t have magic, and the way Stone Arch and others describe it, no one would believe an explanation involving magic.”
“That’s not how an investigation is supposed to end,” Lepore gumbled.
“But you’ll have a great story to tell your children,” I said. “Hopefully soon.” I looked to Twilight Sparkle.
“Hopefully soon, after meeting through proper diplomatic channels,” she said, looking pointedly at the two government agents. “Now, you’re welcome to stay longer, but I imagine you’d prefer to be back in your own world.”
“I’m pretty sure we’re still there, it’s just that we tripped a booby trap and got sprayed with some hallucinogenic substance,” Lepore said.
Twilight Sparkle scowled. I saw her eye twitch again. She concentrated on her magic, and a camera appeared, hovering in the air in front of her. It flashed as it took a picture of the two government agents. She levitated the photo over to them. “Here you go. A reminder of your visit.”
Lepore took the photo in his talons and stared at it. “I... guess we’ll be going.” Both of them rose.
Ponta looked at me. “There is still the issue of your taxes, Mr. Sedmak. U.S. citizens are responsible for paying taxes on income earned anywhere in the world.”
“I didn’t earn income anywhere in the world. I earned money in an entirely different world,” I pointed out.
“He’s got you there,” Lepore said.
I felt the tingle of the portal magic, but much stronger than normal. It made my horn throb and the hairs of my mane rise. Immediately, I saw the portal home appear. But Twilight Sparkle was overchanneling her magic. She looked dangerously close to exploding into glowing-with-rage Twilight Sparkle.
“Look. Setting up appropriate laws controlling the passage between universes is on my checklist for official first contact. That will include tax policy,” Twilight Sparkle hissed. “But that day will come later. It’s time for you two to go. Now.”
The two agents looked at each other, looked back at Twilight Sparkle, and wisely chose to depart. There was a faint thrum as each disappeared through the portal.
Twilight Sparkle slumped in her chair as she ceased channeling her magic into the portal. She rubbed her head with a hoof, either feeling the effects of forcing her magic like that, or in exasperation over the situation. Probably both.
I got up to leave. But before I did, I remembered something. “Oh, ponyfeathers,” I muttered to myself.
Twilight Sparkle raised her head. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing, really. I just don’t have my saddlebags,” I replied.
“Want me to open the portal?” she offered.
“No, don’t bother. I’ll borrow Rose’s old saddlebags.”
I headed out the door, just happy to be going to the job I loved. That’s probably more than could be said for a certain two government agents, whose own investigation will never be officially resolved.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Indianapolis, Indiana
Ian Ponta woke up to the faint musty smell of carpeting long past its prime. The dust tickled his nose, and he sneezed. To his left, Samuel Lepore stirred.
The two agents were both sprawled on the floor, on a patch of carpeting between a kitchen table and a wall.
Ponta pulled himself to his hands and knees. “Definitely a hallucinogen,” he said.
Lepore focused, first surveying the scene for any dangers. Finding none, he started to get up. His hand brushed against something smooth. He picked it up and stared at it. “I don’t think it was a hallucinogen.”
Ponta looked at Lepore, and then at the photograph he was holding. It pictured a surprised griffon and a cross-looking pony with batlike wings.
“You recognize that?” Ponta said.
Lepore pointed to the pony. “That was you.”
“And I remember you looking like that. And the purple crystal walls.”
“Yes, we were in a giant purple crystal castle,” Lepore said. He swore. “That was real, wasn’t it?”
“It couldn’t possibly have been real,” Ponta said, though the wavering of his voice belied the certainty of his words. “Where are we?”
Lepore stood and looked around. “In someone’s apartment,” he said.
“Sedmak’s apartment? We can figure out what’s really going on!”
Lepore grabbed Ponta’s arm. “Whatever you think is going on, it’s not being done in this tiny one bedroom apartment.”
Looking around, the two agents found the apartment appeared barely lived in. The kitchen table held a laptop computer and a stack of junk mail, the address labels confirming that it was Jason Sedmak’s apartment. The living room was mostly bare, with second-hand furniture and an older television. In the kitchen, the refrigerator was mostly empty, and the pantry held mostly canned and dry goods. In the bedroom, they found an unmade bed with dirty clothes and an old backpack left on it.
“See? There’s nothing here. In fact, it kind of fits with the strange story Sedmak gave us,” Lepore said.
“But there’s also nothing that proves the story, just a fake photo....” Ponta suddenly picked up the backpack.
“What is it?” Lepore asked.
Ponta wasn’t looking at the backpack itself, but something stuck to it. He ran his finger and thumb over it, and pulled something away.
Lepore leaned over to get a better look at it. It was a small clump of hair or fur, like what a dog might shed. But no animal had fur that was a bright royal blue.
The unicorn who had claimed to be Jason Sedmak did, however.
Lepore and Ponta didn’t say anything to each other as they left Jason Sedmak’s apartment and returned to their car. They drove on in silence. It wasn’t until they were nearly in Ohio before either spoke.
“So, do you have any idea what we’re supposed to do?” Ponta said.
“I’m going to tell the truth,” Lepore responded.
Ponta’s eyes widened.
Lepore continued. “I’m going to say we spoke with Mr. Sedmak and found no evidence of wrongdoing, nor any reason to continue the investigation. Of course I’m not going to tell the whole truth. It’s like that purple princess said, no one here would believe us.” He looked to Ponta. “What about you?”
“I’m going to write a draft regulation concerning the taxation of people working in different realities. And then I’m going to lock it in my file cabinet and never look at it again.”
Lepore nodded.
“But if one day those ponies show up in our world, I’m going to pull out my regulation and submit it. And that’s sure to get me a promotion. ‘Assistant Director for Alternate Universe Tax Policy’—I like the sound of that!”
Lepore just groaned.
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You file the regulation BEFORE first contact -- no hype no fuss -- just something that is a footnote -- then you announce your prescience when it happens.
The Taxman Cometh? Isnt that a Flanderisation and Swan song from the old days?
Wouldnt the gold still be valid currency, as you take it to a gold trade counter, get cash, then hand the cash in at the bank?
As for Twilights Castle being weak. Crystal isnt Glass, its Sapphire, and thats if it was pure cast, which is many times stronger than steel for a given weight. thats not including, it being a tree, the reasonable expectation that it has fibres of spun diamond instead of cellulose, which are both carbon based chains. Which is an awful lot stronger than steel for a given weight. And worth an absolute fortune on Earth.
Always wondered why it took so long for them to start tracking the OCR numbered bank notes when cameras, digitisers and networks go back to the 1970s. Non sequential, unmarked notes? Thats a laugh. Whats really suprising is that the banks still dont have Facebook style servers, and made it mandatory that all cash transactions have to be camera scanned and centrally tracked. Especially when the new NFC notes come out.
Pinkie walks into a bank and goes up to the counter. Id like to pull some dough.
Come on? Why did the story have to end? It was so good!
Just remember it's the patriotic thing to do, like buying War Bonds and participating in a scrap drive.
So an IRS and a Secret Service agents wind up being first contact between the Equestriani and American governments, that's a twist. Despite the humor you did hit at some things usually glosses over such as taxes, and currency exchange rates.
I need to add somethings to my mental notes, poor Ambassador Highwind, your job just got a lot harder
Top Kek
8104059 It's obvious that gold and especially gems are much more common in Equestria. Rarity can easily find in the ground gemstones that appear larger than any gemstone that has ever been dug up on Earth, ever, and they're even cut and polished. It stands to reason they're not particularly valuable.
With this hypothetical magic working to stop people from moving valuables from one world to another, I would expect Equestrian gold bars to turn into some less valuable metal alloy, and a Rarity dress encrusted with gemstones would have ornamental stones or glass.
8104580
Actually that depends upon if the gemstones are a significant part of the value -- I mean if it is an original by an important designer -- the value is really in the dress not the gemstones -- so long as they aren't something the level of diamonds. A dress with aquamarine accents would probably go through intact.
8104974 But imagine Rarity's horror when her diamond-accented dress goes through the portal, and she sees it.
"This... this is cubic zirconia!"
(At which point, she promptly pulls out her fainting couch.)
8105325
Yes, she would be quite indignant at the way the portal works actually.
---
Actually diamonds might eventually go through when we have industrial diamonds cheap enough. They are already well-nigh impossible to detect at the high end.
Well, Ponta’s thinking ahead and I can't exactly blame him for that. I'm with 8104058 on the filing it first though though. US law already has all sorts of random 'what if' laws, or so I hear. One more won't matter, and it will look good that he has ideas for what might happen. Better promotion shot.
8105413 diamonds raise the question of artificial values. They are, by themselves, dirty cheap and common like fuck (for a gemstone). Their absurdly high price was constructed by the engagement rings industry. After all, you can buy diamond dust coated drills in any decent hardware store
So, when can we have more of this universe? Just finished reading it, and it left me waiting for more
8107742 The next story is about the wedding, and the unsuspecting human who gets to be the best man.
8107823 that's bound to be hilarious
Hope we can see some TwiJohn by then
shiiiiiiippiiiing
8107904
I will neither confirm nor deny that "You banged the princess?" is one of the lines in that story.
Sigh Thanks for reminding me its still april...taxes suck
8107913 "No, really, I was just testing out my magic! I didn't mean to make her fur explode!"
8105325 Oh god, just trying to imagine what that new dress looks like...
It's rather appropriate that I read this now; my refund checks came in earlier this week.
In any case, this has been a most enjoyable series from beginning to present. There are times when the narrative's weighed down with excessive exposition, but there wasn't any of that in this latest installment. Thank you for some very enjoyable HiE/PoE. Here's to whatever other stories you'll tell in this setting.
this story is just so funny and in all the right ways.
love it.
Ponta looked at me. “There is still the issue of your taxes, Mr. Sedmak. U.S. citizens are responsible for paying taxes on income earned anywhere in the world.”
Actually no, no they are not.
There are a multitude of tax free zones and jobs that a citizen can work outside the US.
Am I the only person who is upset at the idea that first contact was postponed unilaterally by Princess Twilight Sparkle because it didn’t fit in with her plans? That’s insanely insulting on multiple levels. It’s the kind of thing someone would get called out on on first contact later, on why it was delayed in the first place.
8107904
psst... you are up to date on the next story, right?
8262524
Oh yes I most certainly am!
Hang on, since when are thestrals bloodsuckers? Regardless, really enjoyed this story. On to the wedding!
8945451
They aren't, of course, but Discord has no problem bringing up that false reputation when it's funny.
I loved those cutie marks.
Time to read the earlier stories, this was a cute intro.
Yeah, if it's good enough for catching Capone it's good enough for catching the pone. *shot*