I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.
Scientists thought they could create something stronger than friendship, something to keep Equestria safe. Beings more powerful than anything else. Alicorns. Made from nothing but machine parts and magic. But soon, they make not only alicorns, but unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies blended into the mix.
Soon they lose track of who's real and who's fake.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is a good start. But it would seem that you may have forgotten the AU tag. You mentioned that this was your first MLP fanfic and are looking for constructive feedback so here goes:
Your first 2 chapters read like articles in a history book. This may be the voice you are going for, but if not you might want to try showing history through the eyes of the ponies living through it, rather then telling. If you intend to do a change in voice you may want to just merge the chapters into one and rename it prologue. Then do chapter one in a different voice. Other than that you have a pretty good fic, and I look forward to seeing how it progresses.
The rest of the feedback is mostly correlations people who have been browsing the site for years have noticed about new fics and quality. You may get more people to give your fic more than a simple glance if you try them.
Chapter size: short chapters are fine for a prologue, but your first chapter has slightly more that the bare minimum words to pass moderation. As a general trend (that some readers have picked up on) is if the author intends to do a long or medium length fic but does just the bare minimum in length they often don't have a very fleshed out plot, or idea of how they want to go about their story, provided that it is intended to be a longer story. Likewise bare minimum in length is sometimes associated with a lack of proofreading, among new writers. That clearly isn't the case here, but readers only have so much time to read and most of us have a few ways to avoid the fics that don't look all that great, even if a few gems fall through the cracks. That being said a really short first chapter are a warning sign for some readers. So you may just want to flesh out chapter one to around 2k words or maybe merge chapters 1 and 2 into one prologue.
Another thing some readers may find annoying is the lack of spacing between paragraphs. Yes we know that in a published novel tabs are the rule. But, a mix of tabs like you are doing combined with an extra line between paragraphs may help break up the "wall of text" feel that some readers may get.
Another thing that some readers who have been around the site for a while consider a turn off is an author's note at the beginning of the fic advising them that the author is a new writer. This usually isn't a good sign. If you move it to the end of the chapter you may get more readers to stick around, you will still get feedback.
Other than that this fic looks like a it could be really great. No mistakes in grammar or spelling that I noticed and you have a really good premise. The only thing you are really missing is a few years of browsing this site and reading through a lot of crap to figure out what people try to avoid. I don't know how I am coming across, but what I mean is that you have what is a good fic already, but it will go to waste if very few people actually read it.
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Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, I haven't been on FIMfiction much before, but have experience writing stories. This one is a bit difficult for me since i'm not used to writing in 3rd person and it is something I want to improve on. Normally I write from a first person perspective so this is an interesting change for me. Thanks a lot, you were very helpful and I'll work more to improve my story and writing. :)
This is really well-written. In all honesty, it was the synopsis of the story that really drew me in, but it was the writing style, that truly made this story an emmersive experience.
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Thank you very much :)
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WOW.................
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Thank you so much! I'm planning on putting out more stories like this. Thanks, it means a lot
It feels kinda like the story was going somewhere interesting. Then it ended.
Anyways, it was a well written story and the ideas behind it are incredibly good, well done. It did leave a couple things unanswered, like when (not if, when) do ponies find out about the AIs? Twilight would have a breakdown of epic proportions if she found out!
Oh wow, this story is amazing. I'm not really sure what I expected from this, but this story was so chilling, especially that very last sentence. Stories like these are rare on this site, and I really love them. This is easily one of my favorites on this site, and I think you've earned a follow. I really hope to see more like this from you.
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Thank you so much!
I still have to read the second chapter, but so far this is good. I'd say that this is pretty clear of mistakes, save for "something new, to unsure that this would," where I'm sure that you meant to put "ensure." Also, at one point, you put "had" twice in a row. To avoid this, use "was forced to" instead.
Other than that, it's a good idea executed with precision. I do think that you should add an Alternate Universe tag though. Remember, Cadance was a pegasus before an alicorn.
Also, headcanon: the first alicorn was Fausticorn.
Hm... it's hard to say how I felt about this fic. Just like the other, it seems like it leads to something bigger; it seems to lead on to a bigger story. It's still a complete story with a beginning, middle, and end, but it seems like it's setting the stage to a bigger tale.
But, disregarding that aspect, it's still good. It's well-written, and it's a good idea. Again, I myself don't see it as reread-worthy, but it's worthy of a much better like to dislike ratio than it currently has.
Again, there are only a few mistakes:
"knew that she"
"Cadance"
You want to sat Cadence because of how you usually spell it, but that isn't the case.
Good job. I give it at least a 7/10.
I think you ment to say “ insure “.
The only other mistake I found has been brought to your attention by another reader.
I really enjoyed this story. And will definitely be checking out more of your works in the future.
This was a very fun read
O_O ... Scary.
My question is are Luna, Cadence, Twilight, and Celestia sentient to any extent and just not capable of emotion or are they merely philosophical zombies?