Chapter 2
Celestia was to watch over the new AI. She would record Twilights actions, and send them back to the lab. All her recordings were stored in a memory chip, one that few could access.
They watched Twilight Sparkle grow up. She had a special connection with her brother, not him, and not even herself new that she was not a real pony. But it seemed that she was a living thing, she had a personality, and they watched it evolve. She had one goal, to learn. She would open a book, and read. Her memory chip storing more and more data. The scientists were happy with this, they had created an AI that could learn and grow.
Twilight kept learning more and more, it was her only priority, nothing else truly mattered. But the scientists began to get worried, seeing that she could not seem to maintain a connection with any pony that she met. She had to keep returning to the books, she had become obsessive. She would spend day and night collecting information, knowing nothing else.
Twilight was sent to become a student in Celestia's magic school. She was truly great, it was impossible for her too not get in. They had scientists in disguise judge her talent. They were startled to see that she could not perform properly, and wrote notes that were to be sent back to lab. She would need to be repaired, there was something going on, obviously her magical capacity needed to be rewritten.
Something triggered it to spiral up though. A magical boom and a rainbow shining in the sky caused her mechanics to skyrocket. Her eye lights glowing as magic filled the room, causing the young dragon to burst from it's egg and immediately grow to a size it should not be.
Princess Celestia, who kept a close eye on her fellow AI, stepped in and put a hoof on the younger. She had already determined the young ones destiny, and as the alicorn placed a magical marking on her flank, the unicorn's magic subsided. Calming as every pony returned to their normal state. The baby dragon was left small and innocent in it's nest.
The young AI emotional state had increased highly. Discovering her talent that had already been known about years ago. The scientists had done multiple sketches of the marking, figuring out which would best suit her. Until they found they marking they wanted. The same marking from the Tree of Harmony. It would never be unearthed again they thought, they would never discover the symbols true meaning. It was perfect, and it worked out perfectly. It no longer symbolized the elements of harmony. It now symbolized their best AI, Twilight Sparkle. The start of a new generation, a new world.
Twilight Sparkle had grown up, and still had her eyes glued to books. Books she had already read multiple times. Her brother had become successful, moved to Canterlot and became captain of the royal guards. Twilight Sparkle's character had not changed over the years. The only thing that had changed was her amount of knowledge, her magical power.
The scientists sent a letter to Twilight's home. Claiming it was from the Princess. Twilight was to move to Ponyville. She needed something to change, she needed to learn friendship before she destroyed it. Before she became too powerful, she would need to learn how to care for others. So that her strength would not consume her and make her power hungry. If she came to that point, she would not understand pony emotions and the concept of pain. She would not understand how many lives she was shattering like glass.
In the end, the scientists own creation could've destroyed them.
When Twilight Sparkle moved to Ponyville, she was placed in a library to keep her distracted in case things took a turn. She met various ponies in Ponyville.
Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.
The scientists had done this on purpose, knowing their connection. Being very aware of who these ponies were, and how they could put an effect on the AI.
When Nightmare Moon returned, they used the Elements of Harmony to reset her. She was back to her old self, even if she still needed adjusting.
Over time, Twilight learned more and more about things other than reading and magic. She could read emotions, and understood things and personalities much better. And after many battles together... Something had escaped from the lab.
The scientists could do nothing. One spell on a new test accidentally triggered and activated all those broken endoskeletons. Their black shells with what looked like bullet holes through their legs, wings, and hair. Their eyes glowed blue, and their minds broken.
There was a problem with the uncompleted AI's. They didn't know how to feel. They were programmed to rule. They were programmed to love, but instead they consumed it. Yearned for it, and no matter how much love they stole instead of gave, their hunger still would not be satisfied.
And as they were programmed to rule. They knew only that. But one led them to do this. One endoskeleton, which body and mind was destroyed, had returned.
The ponies didn't know it, but Test 44 had returned from the dead to rule once again.
They fought and they tried to steal the love. Their illusion magic flickering on and off. Over time, they had learned to control it better, but what these AI's had that others didn't was the ability to change how their illusion magic appeared. Test 44 had taken and hid the other AI, the Princess of Love. Mi Amore Cadenza. But in the end, they sent the endoskeletons far far away with what they thought was their love but was only the power of the Cadence, another AI, seeing a target, and shooting. Shining Armor had never known, and will never know, that he spent his whole life surrounded by fakes.
His sister and now his wife, were nothing but robots. Underneath that costume they wore, they were all exactly the same as the changelings.
And as many years passed, as the scientists grew more and more intelligent. As they built more and more AI's, they had not realized just how long they had lived. How long they had survived without food or water. Sleep or care.
The scientists knew only one thing.
Build more AI's.
Just as they were programmed to do.
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This is a good start. But it would seem that you may have forgotten the AU tag. You mentioned that this was your first MLP fanfic and are looking for constructive feedback so here goes:
Your first 2 chapters read like articles in a history book. This may be the voice you are going for, but if not you might want to try showing history through the eyes of the ponies living through it, rather then telling. If you intend to do a change in voice you may want to just merge the chapters into one and rename it prologue. Then do chapter one in a different voice. Other than that you have a pretty good fic, and I look forward to seeing how it progresses.
The rest of the feedback is mostly correlations people who have been browsing the site for years have noticed about new fics and quality. You may get more people to give your fic more than a simple glance if you try them.
Chapter size: short chapters are fine for a prologue, but your first chapter has slightly more that the bare minimum words to pass moderation. As a general trend (that some readers have picked up on) is if the author intends to do a long or medium length fic but does just the bare minimum in length they often don't have a very fleshed out plot, or idea of how they want to go about their story, provided that it is intended to be a longer story. Likewise bare minimum in length is sometimes associated with a lack of proofreading, among new writers. That clearly isn't the case here, but readers only have so much time to read and most of us have a few ways to avoid the fics that don't look all that great, even if a few gems fall through the cracks. That being said a really short first chapter are a warning sign for some readers. So you may just want to flesh out chapter one to around 2k words or maybe merge chapters 1 and 2 into one prologue.
Another thing some readers may find annoying is the lack of spacing between paragraphs. Yes we know that in a published novel tabs are the rule. But, a mix of tabs like you are doing combined with an extra line between paragraphs may help break up the "wall of text" feel that some readers may get.
Another thing that some readers who have been around the site for a while consider a turn off is an author's note at the beginning of the fic advising them that the author is a new writer. This usually isn't a good sign. If you move it to the end of the chapter you may get more readers to stick around, you will still get feedback.
Other than that this fic looks like a it could be really great. No mistakes in grammar or spelling that I noticed and you have a really good premise. The only thing you are really missing is a few years of browsing this site and reading through a lot of crap to figure out what people try to avoid. I don't know how I am coming across, but what I mean is that you have what is a good fic already, but it will go to waste if very few people actually read it.
8123310
Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, I haven't been on FIMfiction much before, but have experience writing stories. This one is a bit difficult for me since i'm not used to writing in 3rd person and it is something I want to improve on. Normally I write from a first person perspective so this is an interesting change for me. Thanks a lot, you were very helpful and I'll work more to improve my story and writing. :)
8123418
Thank you very much :)
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/196/images.jpg
WOW.................
8170620
Thank you so much! I'm planning on putting out more stories like this. Thanks, it means a lot
It feels kinda like the story was going somewhere interesting. Then it ended.
Anyways, it was a well written story and the ideas behind it are incredibly good, well done. It did leave a couple things unanswered, like when (not if, when) do ponies find out about the AIs? Twilight would have a breakdown of epic proportions if she found out!
Oh wow, this story is amazing. I'm not really sure what I expected from this, but this story was so chilling, especially that very last sentence. Stories like these are rare on this site, and I really love them. This is easily one of my favorites on this site, and I think you've earned a follow. I really hope to see more like this from you.
8345426
Thank you so much!
Hm... it's hard to say how I felt about this fic. Just like the other, it seems like it leads to something bigger; it seems to lead on to a bigger story. It's still a complete story with a beginning, middle, and end, but it seems like it's setting the stage to a bigger tale.
But, disregarding that aspect, it's still good. It's well-written, and it's a good idea. Again, I myself don't see it as reread-worthy, but it's worthy of a much better like to dislike ratio than it currently has.
Again, there are only a few mistakes:
"knew that she"
"Cadance"
You want to sat Cadence because of how you usually spell it, but that isn't the case.
Good job. I give it at least a 7/10.
This was a very fun read
O_O ... Scary.
My question is are Luna, Cadence, Twilight, and Celestia sentient to any extent and just not capable of emotion or are they merely philosophical zombies?