• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2015
  • offline last seen Last Friday

kottadragon


A random dude writing. Is it any good? Fuck if I know.

Comments ( 123 )
ChappedPenguinLips
Story Approver

I literally laughed when Angel died. Like, out loud laughter. Have an upvote. :rainbowlaugh:

Well now, this is something I haven't seen before. :rainbowhuh:
Well, I like it, please continue. :pinkiesmile:

I hope that this Zerg fic doesn't get cancelled.

8146922

Your fic actually was an inspiration for this fic. However the only idea that i intentional borrowed was using the colored text for telepathy. However every thing else is unintentional, like him referring to the drones as his children was originally never planned.

8146978

Well like i said in the author notes said i probably won't do another chapter till I find a displaced author willing to collab so I can make this an Official displaced fic

8147266 Glad to be an inspiration, try to keep this one up for us Zerg writers!

Not bad my friend not bad at all. It's certainly not the best but I think this could turn out to be quite interesting!

Here's to a few more good chapters.

Interesting start. I found some double word errors. Who doesn't love a good old Zerg rush :pinkiehappy:

I have a character but I have yet to use her in my story.

Nice chapter. Until now it's one of the better written displaced fics from what I read. :pinkiesmile:

Would be interesting to see shortly how the Ponies react about the state of Fluttershy's cottage and what they are gonna do about it. And more what Fluttershy herself will be like. Flutterqueen would be hilarious. ^^ As some kind of lesser queen.

8148245

Thanks for the support. Fluttershy will sort of be his/her queen of blades. The next chapter may take sometime though because i will have to wright a reasonable reaction to Fluttershy's cottage and figure out if i'm going to wright the pony's point of view in the third or first person.

It was relatively smooth introduction so i count it as a pass, i want to see fluttershy go in full kerigan mod :rainbowdetermined2:

edit before i forgot : it worked well because there was a purpose in the displaced coming in, but if it had been just talk, that would have gone horribly for my own taste

8148281 :yay: I love badass Fluttershy. ^^

It's already very good in my opinion that your fic starts with a smooth introduction and not the same trope which is normally used in Displaced fics again and again.... and again. :facehoof: It's so boring.^^

With that I mean this cliched

Displaced lands in pre-show Equestria (at least 1000+) --->
meets the younger versions of Luna and Celestia --->
gets for whatever reason (being corruped by the own -dark- power, is seen as "evil" alone for the looks etc.) turned to stone as standard method to get to the show-timeline -->
awakens from imprisonment in "right" time and is 1. mad from being imprisoned and seeks revenge. Or 2. got the reason why the Displaced went insane before the imprisonent under control in the time as a statue and wants to redeem itself (other paths are less used from what I saw)

introduction trope. It's so overused and boring, sometimes the fics start even in the moment they are released from ther stone prison and tell the reader how bored they were during this time.

Your writing is not so generic and much more reliable. I very much like the premise.

Never was a Starcraft person myself but now you were able to pick my interest in it.:moustache:

8148313

Thanks and yeah i agree with the whole cliche opening thing.

As for badass Fluttershy thing like I said he wants her to stay her self, but as for how he would get her to kill comes back to his making it so her maternal instincts associate with the zerg a sorta "You hurt my baby's i rip you to shreds and feed what's left to them."

i am interested in this story, the only promblem i have with it is the persons reason for attacking, however i am similar in that i do things just because as well... so keep on the writing and good luck may the swarm be with you

I have trouble with your character's reasoning as to attacking. He's not doing it for resources or for power. It it seems as far as I can tell the only reason your character is killing his for shits and giggles that doesn't make very much sense because he was a perfectly sane human not twenty-four hours ago.

I know it might be a little bit boring but I think it'll to your story of world of good if you spend some time flushing out your characters motivations. Perhaps you could add some form of psychopathy or maybe his transformation is influencing his mind somehow.

In any case good luck I hope this turns out better than most displaced fiction I have seen.

8148623

Yeah i admit it was rushed and looking back on it i regret it

8150867 try not to stress yourself out about it too much remember a story is about enjoying what you write and you have only failed if you can't do that.:moustache:

8148281 I would go third for more detail and also nice intro. One more thing is if this guys a brony i'd have him see if the dragon from dragonshy's treasure is still there lots of metal and gems.

You have some good story telling here, except for just saying the merchant looked like that instead of actually explaining his looks for those that don't know what he looks like.

But my main issue is that you seriously need to proofread before posting. Other than that, good start.

Oh, and an additional detail. Seems you're rushing a bit. Doubt he wouldn't have encountered no problems on his way to spotting the castle. Remember, don't just rush between key points. Events happen in between them too.

“What is prefered destination leader?”


You mean 'designation', not destination.

Another problem I see. Tons of compound sentences that need to be split up.

Geez. A one week later when it would have taken mere hours to make a hive? AND skipping the efforts to make more zerg types? ...yeah, I'm starting to like this less with how dang fast you're rushing things. Davara is a new species in the environment. No way would that go unnoticed from resident creatures over such a length of time. And you said yourself that the only strains 'she' had were the most basic of basics. Then, there's also the fact of how quickly Davara got over the changes too, which is way too dang fast.

Some of the characters seem interesting, don't get me wrong. But you really need to redo this and be more thorough and not as rushed on things.

...and I see yet another flaw. Zerg are NOT Protoss. They can't store consciousness in their hive mind. Every Zerg consciousness requires a body. Admittedly, said body doesn't have to be mobile, but even so...

...and yet another problem. Instantly deciding how to deal with the elements. I know as a brony, he'd come up with that. But as it is, he doesn't even know the layout of the land or how to best approach her. Let alone the fact that you said yourself that you started out with the most basic of strains. As such, even the hyper-evolutionary virus wouldn't be available to start. And also, the only way that the zerg could test that is by having testing chambers to do so in. Abathur himself said that when testing strains, he created them, and had they failed, melted them back into their basic genetic code, literally MELTING the failed experiments.

So far, I'm seeing you're REALLY not thinking this fic through. Don't get me wrong, I WOULD like to see you do well on this. But the more I see, the more mistakes I see as well, mistakes mostly done by rushing and not thinking things through. You do have potential here. But you're failing to meet that potential.

Yet another issue. No matter how stealthy Davara was, there's no way in heck she could have taken out all of Fluttershy's critters like that. There's lots of birds as well among them, and Davara is a broodmother. There'd be too many for her to snipe at once before they left for help. At least, too much for Davara to do alone. Heck, the fact that Equestria is so much more peaceful ensures that they're more likely to flee than stay around a dangerous predator.

One more issue. Saving their consciousnesses into the swarm, AFTER killing them? That's not how the Zerg work. That's how the Protoss work. Thought you were a Zerg fan? But, you keep doing things that don't fit them it seems. If you were to keep them for Fluttershy, you'd have to coccoon and mutate them, not kill and bring back to life. That's not how the Zerg work.

....and now, he's just being an absolute idiot. Taking out an element of harmony and not expecting payback? Yeah. That's utter idiocy there. They have frickin' MAGIC for them. Tracking down others would not be hard for them to do if they needed to resort to that.

And even were that not the case, Davara's far from being subtle here. So far, all I can see this leading towards is the genocide of all the Zerg. Sure, they're devastating creatures with insane reproduction, but Davara has nearly none of their military might. Plus, regardless of the reproduction speed, the Equestrians greatly outnumber them. Let alone the fact of not having any magic immunity. Case in point, magic is a form of energy, and Protoss, whom wield energy, are one of their greatest of foes.

Yeah. So far, brute forcing things like this would only lead to the eventual death of Davara. Gotta handle things smarter, not harder. Heck, the best way to have gone about with Fluttershy is pulling it off in a way that wouldn't be noticed. Like, perhaps creating a stealth focused abducting Zerg, then when ready, use stealth to create a letter for her mailbox to trick Fluttershy into going to an animal preserve or something, which is really a trap to lure her in, while making sure said 'preserve' is no where near the real hive. Gotta cover all of one's bases, sort to speak.

There's also the issue of handling a manticore in your current state. No soldier like zerg whatsoever. You'd consistently lose a great deal of units in such a circumstance without the more militaristic zerg to use, you know.

“My Queen the first hoppers are ready to hatch. As you ordered I simplified the genome of the strain to allow mutiple to hatch."


.... really? Having an entity brand new at making genetics suddenly succeed where an expert that's been around for countless years(Abathur) couldn't do? So far, you're very much making your character out to be a Mary Sue.

Instead of breaking what's already been proven to be the case, you could instead have gone for a loophole mechanic. Abathur said that they couldn't keep both strands in the entire Zerg pool. So, why not make a structure that can swap out which is being produced, keeping basically a database of conflicting dna strands to be able to swap between as the need calls for it.

Yet another issue.... from what you have, it seems like you're making the trees work just as well as the minerals in the Starcraft games. They've had events where they did such, but they were never nearly as effective as actual minerals, so making new units would be hard till finding actual resources to speed up the process. Let alone the lack of vespene gas found, and many, many units of Zerg require such gas, or a good enough substitute, which you haven't bothered searching for.

...and this reminds me of another issue I have with your Mary Sue. From what we've seen, due to him having many, many friends, it makes no sense for him to be evil enough to just instantly decide to take over the planet. Makes no damn sense.

You certainly have some potential, making strains of your own and such. But really, there are just so many dang flaws in this that I'd just say scrap and restart this. You need to take your time and not rush things, and actually think through the consequences of your actions and more. So far, what you have here is a beyond clear Mary Sue. Accomplishing things that she shouldn't be able to way too early, and everything going perfect for her, and being able to easily adjust on the fly as well without trying, like how 'she' so easily accepted and adjusted to her new form.

Don't get me wrong. There are things in here that have great potential. But, it's done in such a rushed fashion that it ends up horribly. And I'm rarely one to critique to the level I've been doing here, so that's pretty bad. Which is a shame, since it has such potential if done right, these various ideas you seem to have implemented here and there.

8151659
I agree with many of the points you make. I greatly appreciate the constructive criticism. I stated before this is my first attempt at writing anything other than an essay. There are some thing i want to address though.

“What is preferred destination leader?”
You mean 'designation', not destination.

This is now fixed thank you for bringing to my attention.

Tons of compound sentences

Writing compound sentences is a personal problem of mine, something i plan on going back and fixing to the best of my ability.

They can't store consciousness in their hive mind. Every Zerg consciousness requires a body.

I have never seen anything thing saying this but if there is i haven't seen it. I'm only human.

There's lots of birds as well among them, and Davara is a broodmother. There'd be too many for her to snipe at once before they left for help.

I will most likely do a rewrite and address this.

Saving their consciousnesses into the swarm, AFTER killing them? That's not how the Zerg work. That's how the Protoss work. Thought you were a Zerg fan?

First I have never seen anything saying that protoss can save the consciousnesses of those they defeat. Second this was a misunderstanding on my part from this.

Sarah Kerrigan later commented that successful strains of zerglings could be continually replicated within the swarm, suggesting that Scar was successful, and its genotype would be replicated in succeeding generations of zerglings.

Taking out an element of harmony and not expecting payback? Yeah.

Who said he doesn't expect payback

but Davara has nearly none of their military might.

Time after time we've seen that the equestrian military is very incompetent. Which something I had planned on addressing in a later chapter. We've also never seen magic focused for combat other than there little lasers.

Having an entity brand new at making genetics suddenly succeed where an expert that's been around for countless years(Abathur) couldn't do? So far

Couldn't do? Zerglings have been around for years?

it seems like you're making the trees work just as well as the minerals

I stated in the fic that they are not as good as minerals.

After a moment it responded “We require minerals. They may be gathered from nearly anything, they are usually found in greater concentration in crystals and various metals along with living creatures."

As for vespene gas i don't know what i could use to substitute that. But it must be remembered that there are those like Niadra who was able to spawn Hydralisk and Roaches without vespene or minerals. So it's most likely just game balance.

Again I appreciate the criticism. Honestly with your knowledge of the zerg i would love to see you wright a zerg fic. But one last thing please Make only one comment per chapter you made literally 16 comments on just three chapters!

8152027 Never said the Protoss save the consciousness's of those that they defeat. Just that only the Protoss have been able to save consciousness outside their body, like when a protoss dies. HOWEVER, it could be, maybe, possible to store the other consciousness as another part of Davara's body. Maybe. Would be a hindrance to her though.

As for the Zerglings... you yourself said that Davara didn't have Zerglings, or any other DNA strands beyond the most basic of things. That includes Zerglings, based on what you said Davara has available.

As for the Vespene gas... well, this is a Displaced fic, so there's high chance of discovering things from the Starcraft world in this version of Equestria. Would still have to find such. Without the right minerals, the growth of the hive would be severely hindered.


And sorry for the multitude of comments. Just kinda posted them as I thought of them while I read.

Still think though that you should overall just re-start this. There's just so many things wrong with what you have here.

And even if the soldiers are incompetent, their numbers far exceed that of the hive in terms of combat skill, considering how you yourself said about just what Davara has to utilize.

Like I said, don't get me wrong, you have ideas with great potential here. Buuuut, there's enough mistakes that it'd probably be best to just re-write it.

Plus, as much as a brony may hate Angel, Fluttershy loves the fluffball with a passion, and I highly doubt she'd ever ally with Davara due to that and the others (s)he killed, so seems to me that the current methods would just make his own worst enemy here, with the way you have things.

I'm having a little trouble picturing a broodmother costume. Is that even a real type of zerg? Can somebody give me a picture?

8152412 vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starcraft/images/d/d6/Zagara_Heroes_Art1.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20140625064806
This is the picture most commonly associated with a Broodmother, although this one is special in that it is Zagara, the Queen of Blades second in command.

8152412 I like this one cuz it looks like it can defend itself better:
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/ff/89/ee/ff89ee05bf627de9fba60d48e2ab27b9.jpg
Never understood why they have those leg webbing things...

8152629 The Broodmother is an adaption of the Queen, which was once a flying unite.

YES YES YES YES!!!! OOOOOHHH YESS!!!

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