- Member Since 25th Jan, 2017
- offline last seen Oct 23rd, 2023
Xeraidiant
I'm a fan of Persona, FNAF, DC Comics, Marvel, and of course MLP. I also love to make art, even though it needs some improvements, and I love writing stories.
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Will this story be as long as Persona: EG?
8115774
I actually don't know. All I can say is that that this book will take over the course of a year.
Not bad but not great it has potential
8115930 Well I'm on board let me know if you need anything.
Oooh! Starting out with the Velvet Room. I"m excited for this and actively following it. I came up with a Persona Story a while ago that used mirrors as the main theme and had planned on remaking it. I'm curious to see how you tackle this yourself though.
8156256
Thank you. I shall. Also, the mirrors will do something quite interesting.
Can't have a Persona story without Igor and the Velvet room.
Liking the premise here.
8158211
Thank you.
Off with a good start let's see how this would go.
So that's his family. Alright then. This definitely feels like a Persona story.
I wanted to say this on the Velvet Room chapter, but I wanted to read more, so I'll just say it; for a moment there, I thought the contract would say, "By signing this contract, I vow to take full responsibility for my actions", or something along those lines
Very promising indeed, I look forward to his rehabilitation.
Nice...Except you called her Belle Rose without anyone saying her name first just letting you know in case you get a complaint later.
Ooooh, this feels like a Persona story alright. I liked that a lot.
So we're doin this daily, huh? This is gonna be a long one, I can tell. Hope you have a calendar planned out. It'll make this MUCH easier to write.
Then Creation earned some guts point for saying he was flirting with Justice's daughter even though he wasn't.
8252796
Thank you for pointing that out for me.
8254046
You're welcome.
I honestly didn't expect Silver to be in school, I thought he was going to be a shut-in like Futaba in Persona 5, but it's okay, also, the shy, timid personality was a nice touch, great job!
YEAH! Day one of school! Make sure to buy any food that grants you SP! and Woo! Curios Libre is here yay! Can't wait for the next Chapter
8342922
Can you even get that at this point in the game?
8342953
... maybe some sort of fruit or beverage vendor in the market... lol if only vending machines existed in the story lol
8342769
For Silver Flame, I didn't really just wanna copy Futaba's storyline. So, he's a shut it with moderation. Goes through school, goes straight home fight after.
8343273 It's okay, I understand wanting to try something a little more original
Nice job on Finish Line! You got him down perfectly!
8343775
Thank you!
8343836
A small note on cruel, I don't know if i was able to convey it in our discussions but she's EXTREMELY sharp in the intelligence department. Just something to keep in mind.
Just bit of a minor adding for Belle Rose in your story that she specializes with flower language.
List for flowers mean (Link)
8344840
Got it!
8345232
Got it. I have a feeling she and Silver Flame will be meeting up quite often.
YES!!! I saw her, and she was fantastic!
She was actually perfect too. Thank you SO MUCH for that!
8347854
Your welcome. She might not show up much in the beginning, but she'll show up more towards later parts.
8347854
Your welcome. She might not show up much in the beginning, but she'll show up more towards later parts.
Yeah! Now we're getting into the good stuff!
Off to good start, but if you're going to be giving Persona and Shadow stat sheets, you might want to tell us what those words mean.
Ooooh! Persona appeared this time!
You bet your ass I played "Last Surprise" when the fight officially started. This is GOOD!
8356712
Thank you.
8356183
Thank you for the constructive criticism. It's much appreciated.
8356007
There's gonna be more where that came from!
The description looks grammatically weird, like it needs a proofreader or something. Avoid use of words like "Anyway" outside of dialogue. Also, this doesn't explain the setting properly enough.
Oops, there goes my bad habit again, always showing up with nothing nice to say.
8357414
It's constructive critism. No need to worry. I know when someone's being a jerk, and when someone's just giving constructive critism. Thank you.
8357414
Also, I could make you a proofreader. It would help a lot.
8357492
Okay.
You didn't have to specify being on his way there, you could've just said "The you in reality is currently fast asleep", had him wake up on the train, and had him think about the place he's headed, and that would've worked just as well without seeming unnatural.
*physical
Not physically that's a different tense.
That's funny, normally the contract is formed before he can enter the Velvet Room, but I'll let it slide.
Narration, it does not make comments on a character's behavior, it merely describes it.
*proceeded
HE ACTUALLY READ IT???
1. "favorite pencil"? Unnecessary detail.
2. *fur
3. How is it in his fur like that?
4. With his teeth? Ew.
5. Dude, use the quill.
Make up your mind, is this story written in past tense or present tense?
Such a weird name, "Creation Nation", sounds like some kind of "cool kids" slang, what does it even mean. Also, why the gasp? You're gasping like you're shocked about something, I'm concerned.
It's quite ironic how I am of French descent yet I can't imagine what a "hint of French accent" sounds like.
"Rare Novel" doesn't sound like a phrase I'm familiar with. :P
You specify the mare's voice but not the stallion's? Sexist. I can't tell if he has a mature-sounding voice or if he sounds like Pharos. Also, the word "Salutations" always reminds me of Penny from RWBY and that both pleases me and saddens me. Don't ask why, you'd have to have seen the series to understand.
Solo???
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/0/01/Hansoloprofile.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/499?cb=20100129155042
You have me confused, I thought the male was the dragon and the female was the Pegasus and now it feels weird.
Make up your mind on whether this story is 1st-person, 2nd-person or 3rd-person, and KIC (Keep It Consistent).
Reminds me of a side character in Re: Zero who was mentioned to be from a western area, I don't remember her name but I remember her being a candidate for the queen, and I just could not piece imagine the talking style paired with the face and voice. It's like, she has a rather cute appearance, a typical-sounding voice, and I look at when I read the subtitles, there's just excessive use of country slang.
*your
If you're gonna take this route with the narration, I don't see why you don't have this in a 1st-person perspective.
Oops, forgot to mention:
What are haaaands?
8357838
Thank you for the advice, it's much appreciated. Also, you're pretty funny!
What is the sex tag for?
Dude, your pants are down.
No time, I need to find some sunscreen.
I'll only link what that's from if you're curious.
There should really be a space between the bold text and the paragraph.
*Half-chuckles* "Dandelion salad"? I know these're ponies but what the fuck.
8376204
Its a persona crossover it bound to be some sexual theme in a near future
To this day, I still don't understand why the whole "father who's aggressive towards anyone flirting with his daughter" thing exists.What's a sandpony?EDIT: Nevermind, I get the reference.You forgot the 'r'.
8376204
Yes, near the future, since the Main Character is in collage, there will be lots of.. Stuff going on in certain places.