Will this story be as long as Persona: EG?

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I actually don't know. All I can say is that that this book will take over the course of a year.

Not bad but not great it has potential

8115930 Well I'm on board let me know if you need anything.

Oooh! Starting out with the Velvet Room. I"m excited for this and actively following it. I came up with a Persona Story a while ago that used mirrors as the main theme and had planned on remaking it. I'm curious to see how you tackle this yourself though.

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Thank you. I shall. Also, the mirrors will do something quite interesting.

Can't have a Persona story without Igor and the Velvet room.

Liking the premise here.

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Thank you.

Off with a good start let's see how this would go.

You are currently asleep on the train taking you to Barcelponia,

You didn't have to specify being on his way there, you could've just said "The you in reality is currently fast asleep", had him wake up on the train, and had him think about the place he's headed, and that would've worked just as well without seeming unnatural.

You are heading to a place you may discover your physically and artistic potentials, but you may also awaken to a spiritual potential as well.

*physical
Not physically that's a different tense.

All I need you to do, is sign your name here.

That's funny, normally the contract is formed before he can enter the Velvet Room, but I'll let it slide.

without using magic. Strange.

Narration, it does not make comments on a character's behavior, it merely describes it.

The young stallion gave the changeling a blank stare, and proceed to look at the contract.

*proceeded

All it said was 'I shall have the power to change my fate for disaster, by signing this contract'.

HE ACTUALLY READ IT???

He grabbed his favorite pencil out of his puffy, tan hair,

1. "favorite pencil"? Unnecessary detail.
2. *fur
3. How is it in his fur like that?
4. With his teeth? Ew.
5. Dude, use the quill.

He opens the folder and looks at the signature.

Make up your mind, is this story written in past tense or present tense?

"Thank you, Mr... Creation Nation." The changeling said before gasping.

Such a weird name, "Creation Nation", sounds like some kind of "cool kids" slang, what does it even mean. Also, why the gasp? You're gasping like you're shocked about something, I'm concerned.

Her tone was mature and motherly, with a hint of a french accent in it.

It's quite ironic how I am of French descent yet I can't imagine what a "hint of French accent" sounds like.

This is Rare Novel,

"Rare Novel" doesn't sound like a phrase I'm familiar with. :P

"Salutations. It seems that a new chapter in your life is about to begin." Rare Novel added.

You specify the mare's voice but not the stallion's? Sexist. I can't tell if he has a mature-sounding voice or if he sounds like Pharos. Also, the word "Salutations" always reminds me of Penny from RWBY and that both pleases me and saddens me. Don't ask why, you'd have to have seen the series to understand.

The pegasus' name is Radiant Solo,

Solo???
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/0/01/Hansoloprofile.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/499?cb=20100129155042

while tipping his stetson

You have me confused, I thought the male was the dragon and the female was the Pegasus and now it feels weird.

Azura said, while giving you a wink.

Make up your mind on whether this story is 1st-person, 2nd-person or 3rd-person, and KIC (Keep It Consistent).

Her voice was slightly western for an opera singer.

Reminds me of a side character in Re: Zero who was mentioned to be from a western area, I don't remember her name but I remember her being a candidate for the queen, and I just could not piece imagine the talking style paired with the face and voice. It's like, she has a rather cute appearance, a typical-sounding voice, and I look at when I read the subtitles, there's just excessive use of country slang.

You'll be arriving at you location soon.

*your

yet his voice still pretty... strange.

If you're gonna take this route with the narration, I don't see why you don't have this in a 1st-person perspective.

Oops, forgot to mention:

earth pony with the book at hand.

What are haaaands?

The earth pony had a fez upon his head, filled with moderately organized bleach mane, with a golden "V" in the middle.

"filled with moderately organized bleach mane"
Uh...

The pegasus, wearing a velvet blue Stetson with the iconic golden 'V' on the side, onto of his spiky blonde mane, was playing piano, alongside the dragon, who had a light blue underbelly, regular blue scales for the rest of her body, and dark blue scales for her spinal scales. She was singing alongside the ominous female voice that somehow was playing from somewhere unseen while sitting at the edge of the piano.

"the iconic golden 'V'" ... And on his fez was a golden V, there was another ...... and on her beret was another golden V, this other pegasus donned a stetson which had, you guessed it, a golden V ... Yeah, I kinda like that. Also, Velvet is not a color, it is a fabric.

You are heading to a place you may discover your physical and artistic potentials,

You may not realize it at first, but if you look closely... you realize... there needs to be a 'where' between 'place' and 'you'.

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Hey you! Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this based on the Velvet Room as presented in Personas 1 and 2?

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Not, really. The Velvet Room in both Persona 1 and 2 were all more basic rooms due to them being the first incarnations of that room. Here the Velvet Room seems to match with the main character being an artist, hence why it's taken the form of an art gallery. But I can definitely see the comparisons, and the author might have drawn inspiration from that.