Teatime - A Novel Of Twilight & Celestia

by bigbear

Chapter 18 - Loneliness

While bundling up the government papers so they could be returned to Raven, Twilight felt hollow inside. With the sun down, and her checklist for the day completed, it was time to find something to put in her stomach.

After magically speed reading and studying government documents all day, Twilight was tired. She found it hard to concentrate. Unfortunately, most of her favorite activities took more focus than she had right now. The thought of doing any more reading, even recreationally, was not appealing. And she knew from experience that attempting intricate magic without focus was… not an experience she wanted to repeat.

As the sun set Twilight cast her thanks within. Magical lamps throughout the castle lit automatically. They threw cool light across cobalt walls and sapphire pillars. Shadows pooled in corners where the magical illumination didn’t reach. Twilight plodded down the plum colored crystal floors. Her clops echoed in the empty halls. She hadn’t noticed while she was busy, but being in a giant castle by herself, with nothing to do and no one around made her feel especially… isolated.

“Some magic might fix this,” she thought. With a goal in mind, Twilight strode with purpose down the stairs. She entered the basement workroom where she and Starlight trained and experimented. “Starlight Glimmer’s attitudes must be rubbing off on me,” she thought. Twilight loved magic, but Starlight seemed to think it was the solution to every problem.

Inside the workroom was one of Twilight and Starlight’s most recent projects. Some years before, Twilight had created a spell that allowed her to record sights and sounds and play them back on a screen like a film. The spell didn’t require a bulky film camera. And as Twilight always had her horn with her, it was very convenient.

The spell had several limitations. It took the caster’s full concentration; they couldn’t participate in the activities they were recording. Because the recording was in the caster’s head, Twilight hadn’t yet found a way to duplicate it. And, projecting the recording took as much concentration as creating it did.

Because of the all these limitations Twilight didn’t use the spell very often. But she did teach it to her student. Starlight had the idea of embedding the spell into an arcana-tech device. That way the device could be switched on to record and later set to project, all without requiring the caster to maintain concentration. It wasn’t clear to Twilight why the resulting device was any better than a film camera and a projector. But it was a fun project so they worked on it together.

Starlight had debuted the device during Pinkie’s ‘Princess Awesome and Grand Dragon Visar’ party. Her friends all thought being recorded would be a ‘hoot’, so Starlight turned on the device when the party began. After a short time, everypony forgot it was there. The party had been a great success; almost all Pinkie’s parties were. Starlight had left for the Badlands before they got to review the recording.

“The sights and sounds of my friends are sure to make me feel better,” Twilight thought. The device was a box with dials that glowed and a horn-shaped crystal protruding from one end. The crystal horn was used to both record what was in front of it, and project the results on a screen. Twilight used her magic to pull the screen from the closet and then set it up against the wall. She aimed the device at the screen then triggered it with a spell.

“Is this thing on?” Pinkie’s voice thundered in the room. Her head filled the screen at an unnatural angle. She’d been examining the crystal horn when Starlight had triggered the recording.

“Yes, Pinkie, it’s on,” Starlight replied. “Step back. You’re blocking the recording.”

“Okie, dokie, lokie,” Pinkie replied. The rubber necked pony straightened her head and bounced away to make sure the punch bowl was full.

The screen was packed with all Twilight’s friends. The din of the party filled the workroom. Like many magical sounds, it had no clear source. It was equally clear everywhere.

The sight and sound of her friends brought a lump to Twilight's throat and a warm feeling inside. The fire of friendship was a tangible thing in Equestria. Twilight had felt it powerfully with these mares when they wielded the Elements of Harmony. Seeing and hearing a recording of them brought those feelings back. She smiled and tried to pick out what they were all saying.

“You looked so dapper up on the dais, Spikey Wikey.” “Glad you could bring some Ponyville common sense to those mixed up Canterlot ponies.” “Have they told you the secret location where they keep all the artifacts that Daring Do recovers?” “Are there any cupcakes with gem dust on them?” “Let’s have some music!”

Pinkie got out the wind-up phonograph and put on a record. Jazzy music played. “I love this song,” Twilight thought. She began tapping a hoof to the beat.

All her friends filled the dance floor. Starlight took Spike’s claw in her hoof and led him in a simple two-step. Fluttershy glanced left and right. When she was sure nopony was looking she closed her eyes and lost herself to the music. Fluttershy didn’t follow any formal steps but danced with natural languid grace. Rainbow showed off her modern dance moves. She exhibited the timing and dexterity of a seasoned athlete. Applejack broke into the complex choreography of a one-pony line dance. Rarity moved with effortless elegance born of long practice. She would’ve been at home on the dance floor of any Canterlot cotillion. And Pinkie bounced to the music, sporting her huge trademark grin. Pinkie Pie’s energy and hypnotic rhythm often enchanted the entire town into following her in impromptu dance numbers.

Twilight was completely caught up in watching her friends move to the beat. Her muzzle bounced in time with the tap of her hoof. Her own smile was almost as wide as Pinkie’s.

Then her friends parted and Twilight froze. She stared hard at the horror before her. She wanted to look away but couldn’t. It was like being in a nightmare where two trains smashed into each other, and she couldn't do anything to stop it. In this case, the crash had already happened many days ago.

Twilight watched herself dance.

Calling it dancing was… inaccurate. It was more like a prolonged seizure that happened to occur while music played. Not one of her spasmodic movements came close to synchronizing with the music. Twilight’s eyes were closed as she thrashed about. Her flailing limbs would have hurt somepony, except that her friends had retreated a safe distance away.

“How long have I looked so ridiculous when I dance?” Twilight said aloud.

“Since you first came to Ponyville,” her inner voice answered.

“I’ve been making a fool of myself for as long as I’ve known these mares,” she thought, “and none of them ever said a thing.”

“Haven’t they?” her inner voice challenged. And thinking back on it, her inner voice was right. Twilight remembered suspect looks and subtle questions. Even Fluttershy had tried to bring it up one time. But Twilight loved the sensation of dancing. She’d convinced herself she must have been doing it correctly.

And nopony had pushed her on it. All her friends had foibles. Everypony gave them a pass to preserve their friendships. Fluttershy was unreasonably fearful. Rainbow was unsure behind her bluster. Applejack would flee rather than disappoint somepony. Rarity was overly dramatic. Pinkie was vulnerable to depression. Twilight knew she could be obsessive or blow things out of proportion. “And now I can add being a horrible dancer to my list of quirks,” she thought.

Twilight turned off the device. The sound stopped and the screen went blank. She thought about erasing the recording but decided against it. Her friends might like to see what happened at the party. “And it’s not like they haven’t seen me dance dozens of times before,” she thought.

It was only after she’d put everything back in its place that Twilight realized her face was wet. Her eyes had been streaming tears for many minutes. She cleaned her face on a towel by the washbasin, put it in the hamper, left the workroom, and locked it behind her.

Trudging up the stairs from the basement workroom Twilight’s thoughts were conflicted. She wanted to connect with somepony. But with all her close friends out of town she felt… abandoned. The impression was more intense because she couldn’t distract herself with favorite activities. Twilight knew the feeling was unfair to her friends. But it was there is the pit of her stomach anyway. And Twilight was so mortified by what she’d seen, she had reservations about going out into Ponyville to socialize.

Twilight lived in a town full of ponies she called friends. But they were more like acquaintances. In her current mood, there wasn’t anypony she’d feel comfortable dropping in on. Twilight fluttered her wings. The princess thing made imposing on others especially awkward. She didn’t want to abuse her position.

The warmth of the sun burbled in her barrel and got her attention. It hadn’t retreated after Twilight had thanked the sun during the setting.

“You’re right,” she thought inward. “Not all my friends are away. You’re my friend too.” The warmth expanded within Twilight until she could feel it from her core to the tips of her horn and wings. “I didn’t mean to leave you out. I appreciate you being here, really I do. It’s just… we can’t have a conversation, or play a game, or share our hopes for the future.” She stood still for a moment, eyes closed, contemplating the warmth within. Twilight hoped it would drive the melancholy away. But tonight, that was not to be. She opened her eyes and continued her random walk through the castle.

In her wanderings, Twilight came across the tea trolley she used in the morning. “At least it’s something to do,” she thought. Twilight took the trolley out onto the balcony like she did every morning. She sparked the firebox and then dimmed her horn. The rest of the ritual was best done by hoof.

A few minutes later, Twilight sat on a chase on the balcony, nursing a cup of tea. She wondered how such a matchless night had engendered in her such a dark mood.

The night was undeniably beautiful. There were a few scattered clouds high in the sky. Luna’s breathtaking full moon and almost all her glittering starscape were on display. The air was cool but pleasant. The scents of growing things and tilled earth, mixed with hints of wood smoke, wafted in on a mild breeze.

Under normal circumstances, Twilight would welcome the solitude as a chance to catch up on her magical studies. But after speed-reading all day, her brain was mush.

Twilight focused at a point far in the distance, where the lights of the city of Canterlot glittered even brighter than the stars. The Canterhorn jutted up into the night sky cutting the starscape like a jagged knife.

She’d been in Canterlot a few days before. And the week before that, and the one before that. Serving as Princess of the Day once every week was never boring. But it was surprising how quickly it became part of Twilight’s routine.

She remembered Spike’s Princess of the Day checklist: Make sure her crown and boots were polished. Prepare a checklist for Starlight. Find Spike. Fly the two of them to Canterlot. Teatime, and later dinner, with Celestia and sometimes Luna. Sleep. Wake. Raise the sun. Breakfast, often with Luna. Security briefing with the Guard. Prepare for court. Attend Morning Court. Lunch, sometimes with more meeting prep. Afternoon meetings. Teatime, often with Celestia. Lower the sun. Take a chariot home with Spike. Put her crown and boots away. Collapse.

Being Princess of the Day once a week was a staggering amount of work. Twilight didn’t know how Celestia did it every day for over a millennium.

But it was also amazingly satisfying. She was learning an astonishing amount about how Equestria really worked. Things like what challenges the nation faced and who the ponies (and a surprising number of non-ponies) were who actually made important decisions. And now she had a voice in those deliberations. Her rulings helped shape Equestria. She didn’t know how much good she’d done yet. As Celestia had said, often she might never know. But it felt good to be using her status as a Princess to try and help as many ponies as she could.

She stared at the lights of Canterlot, perched on the dark silhouette of the Canterhorn. She reached up a hoof and covered the mountain. Now all she could see was the city. The tallest towers were easy to pick out. And in one of those towers, the brightest one, was Celestia. Probably. Her chambers were there at least.

Twilight wondered why thoughts of Celestia shifted her mood from loneliness to disappointment.

The most recent changes in her life started when she told Spike, “I miss my old relationship with Princess Celestia.” With his help, she’d rebuilt that relationship. Spike wasn’t wrong to call her studying and time with Celestia, ‘Princess Lessons’. When she was in Ponyville, Twilight read government reports so she could be a more effective ruler. While in Canterlot, she held court and meetings and made decisions. When she was with Celestia, they ‘talked shop’ and Twilight learned to be a better princess at the hooves of the most experienced ruler in the world. It was like her time as ‘most faithful student’ all over again.

And with that realization, Twilight’s disappointment deepened.

Twilight wasn’t oblivious to her feelings. Rainbow often called her an ‘egghead’. Twilight knew she lived inside her thoughts too much. But her feelings about Celestia were important. And how they manifested over time was data. “I should analyze them to understand where this disappointment is coming from,” Twilight thought.

Analysis worked best when it was comprehensive, so Twilight started from the beginning. Before coming to Ponyville, she was Celestia’s ‘most faithful student’. Twilight lived to learn all she could about magic and to exceed Celestia’s expectations. According to Celestia, she’d succeeded at both things. In retrospect, they were simple goals. But achieving them had given Twilight much satisfaction.

After moving to Ponyville those goals remained. But they were overlaid with the goals of helping her friends. And after they’d all defeated Nightmare Moon, Twilight also adopted the goals of protecting ponies and doing good. This was all much more complicated than just pleasing Celestia. Twilight didn’t always succeed. But when things worked out the camaraderie was immensely gratifying.

At first, becoming a princess didn’t change her goals very much. She acted more like a unicorn with wings rather than an alicorn princess. She still lived in the library, still dealt with her friends and their adventures. The princess part of her life was often limited to wearing her crown at the occasional official ceremony.

If she was honest, her relationship with Celestia was less intense during this time. She’d completed her graduate program so Celestia was no longer guiding her studies. All the girls were sending Friendship Reports so Twilight no longer had to write Celestia every week. She still wanted to please Celestia, it just wasn’t the only thing she wanted to do in her life.

Things started to change after she moved into the castle. Celestia gave her more responsibilities. She organized the Grand Equestria Pony Summit and hosted Prince Rutherford and the Yak delegation. Twilight noted that she’d stumbled more than once with these new tasks. But with the help of her friends, she’d completed them. Hopefully, she’d met, if not exceed, Celestia’s expectations. Celestia had mostly left her on her own during these tasks. Twilight felt more like she was pleasing a supervisor rather than learning from a mentor.

Finally, Twilight had reached out to start meeting Celestia for tea. And her relationship had gotten much better. Celestia was back to acting as her mentor, teaching Twilight how to be the best princess she could be. And she loved it. She loved aiding Celestia and helping Equestria.

But, in a flash of insight, Twilight realized it wasn’t enough. She’d been... incomplete... when she told Spike, “I miss my old relationship with Princess Celestia.” The statement was true. But her old relationship wasn’t enough now. Her standards for friendship had grown during her years in Ponyville. She knew her friend’s goals, their fears, and their quirks. What made them smile and made them snark. She knew the kind of jokes that made them laugh.

Twilight remembered telling herself this morning that she didn’t know what kind of jokes made Celestia laugh. After all they had been through following the symphony, the two had retreated from opening up to each other. They had gone back to being mentor and mentee instead of becoming closer.

She looked up at the lights of Canterlot Castle again and identified Celestia’s Solar Tower. Twilight realized she was lonely, but she was also discouraged. Both because Celestia hadn’t continued to open up and because she hadn’t taken advantage of the opportunity to get closer.

The warmth of the sun reacted to her melancholy. It grew within her from a gentle background to the blaze of a warm hearth. The hug from within was a comfort, but it could not overcome the deep longing in Twilight’s heart.

Her eyes were moist as she sat staring at the far away tower. Twilight wanted more than anything to reach out, to connect with Celestia, to build on what they’d been through, to make their relationship what it could and should be.

The blaze inside her peaked like a flare. For a moment, the balcony of the castle in Ponyville was as bright as the noonday sun. When it faded. Twilight was gone.

Comments

[Lunar Justice]

I am getting very mixed signals here. To me it seems that Twi wants to become Celestias friend. Because knowing each other, what jokes the other one likes what they are afraid of etc. Thats essentially friendship, give and take a few things. But this feels like a solid ground where friendship could very easily change with time to love. Even if the story does not have the romance tag. Elements of love and relationships could appear in slice of life, and especially drama. The romance tag i feel fits more on stories where the readers kind of know that its about love. While this can go many different directions. And love is one of them. Il come out and say it. I love Twilestia, so i won't say no if it comes as a suprise eventually. I like this a lot, with the suspense and constant character development. Eagerly await more.

[RoyalBardofCanterlot]

I feel as if this chapter should be merged with the other chapter.

[bigbear]

8565479
Given the continuity of the action, combining the two chapters was an option. I kept them separate because of the differences in tone and in Twilight's emotional state.