In Which Gung-Ho Does Something Stupid
Friendship is G.I.
By Jonathan “KnightMysterio” Spires
Chapter 3: In Which Gung-Ho Does Something Stupid
All characters are copyrighted to their various owners. If you like my work, please support me on Patreon!
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G.I. Joe Headquarters...
Location classified...
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“...And that's our research labs. What we're cleared to show you, at least,” Duke said as they concluded that part of the tour.
Twilight Sparkle was giddy. “That was amazing! For such a magic-crippled world, you've managed to create such tremendous wonders of science!”
“Wonders,” a thoroughly bored Rainbow Dash said. “Right.” Spike had a similar expression on his face, the young dragon yawning as he rode on Twilight's back.
Mainframe smiled at Twilight. “I'm actually impressed you were able to understand a lot of it. I never realized that science and magic could go hand-in-hand,” he said.
“You and Lifeline both have great potential for sorcery,” Sunset Shimmer said, smiling. “If we can work it out with our realm's rulers, we'd love to have you visit and maybe learn a few spells of your own.”
Shipwreck rolled his eyes. “Bet your dad would love that, Lifeline,” he quipped, the medic wincing.
Applejack was the first to notice. “Somethin' wrong?”
“Remember what Shipwreck said about religion?” Lifeline said. “My father is... very fundamentalist. He nearly disowned me for joining a military unit. Because of him, I was nearly useless to the team due to the extreme pacifism I tried to espouse.”
“He wouldn't even grab the butt of a rifle to save his life while drowning,” Shipwreck said.
“There's nothing wrong with pacifism,” Fluttershy said. “My friends and I, we always try to find the peaceful solution. But... used to espouse?”
“It's not important,” Shipwreck said quickly, shrugging too casually.
“Shipwreck, it's okay...” Lifeline said softly. The tour group had paused, the Joes looking at Lifeline worriedly.
Shipwreck frowned. “It's your life, pal,” he said softly. “Your business and no one else's.”
“It's okay...” Lifeline said. “Nothing can change what happened, and...” He smiled sadly, turning to Fluttershy and saying, “It's related to the reason why most of us go by callsigns instead of our real names. Our enemies learned my real name, and took my father hostage. When I wouldn't acquiesce to their demands, they tried to kill him. I killed them first. The situation being what it was, there was no other way to stop them other than a bullet to the face. My father disowned me right then and there, cutting me out of the family.”
The Equestrians gasped, shocked. “I'm sorry, Lifeline...” Fluttershy said. “I shouldn't have pried...”
“It's okay, Fluttershy. Not talking about it won't change what happened,” Lifeline said.
Applejack hugged Lifeline, surprising him. “No. It's not,” she said. “You protected him, but he punished you for it. And that ain't right. Kin is far too important.”
Lifeline sighed, leaning down and hugging Applejack. “Thanks for the support, but believe me, I'm going to be fine. Father was never really much of a parent to me. And the unit more than makes up for that lack of family I grew up with.”
“Damn straight,” Bazooka said, grinning.
“I make jokes and spew insults like a leaky pipe in a submarine,” Shipwreck said to the Equestrians, “but you better believe that I'll fight to the death to protect any one of these jerks. Same as any of us.“
Rainbow Dash nodded in approval. “An admirable way of thinking,” Rarity said, smiling, the other Equestrians also liking the sentiment.
Roadblock put a comforting hand on the medic's shoulder as he stood up again. “You okay to keep going, man?”
“Yeah, I didn't mean to be a downer,” Lifeline said, smiling.
“On that note, I think we should move on to something a bit lighter...” Lady Jaye said.
“Crew quarters?” Duke suggested.
“Sounds good,” Lady Jaye said.
The group made a turn, heading down several halls to a large common area. Several other G.I. Joe members were there, some playing video games, some at pinball machines, some lifting weights, and others just milling about and talking.
“This is one of the rec lounges for the team,” Lady Jaye said. “We come here between missions to shoot the breeze and relax.”
“THIS is more like it,” Rainbow Dash said.
“So many different uniforms...” Rarity said, fascinated.
“We're a team of specialists,” Duke said. “We have an infantry force to supplement, but we've found that for the primary G.I. Joe team, allowing some creative liberty in uniform design choices brings up morale.”
“Granted, some of those uniform choice are impractical,” Lady Jaye admitted.
“Quick Kick and all the ninjas,” Shipwreck muttered.
“You have NINJAS!?!” Spike said excitedly.
“Yeah. Some of them wear neon,” Shipwreck said.
Lady Jaye glared at him. “And sometimes weapon choices are a bit unorthodox,” she continued.
“Your spears,” Shipwreck said.
“OKAY, Shipwreck, do you know how much of Cobra's crap I've reduced to rubble with my spears?” Lady Jaye said, turning on the sailor. Duke facepalmed, while Lifeline, Roadblock, Mainframe, and Private Conner just watched with amusement.
“Bet it's nowhere near as much as my man Bazooka here,” Shipwreck said.
“He's got a point,” Bazooka said.
“CHILDREN!” Duke said. “Please behave in front of our guests or none of you will get dessert tonight.”
Lady Jaye blushed, ashamed for letting Shipwreck get to her. Shipwreck just put his hands in his pockets, smirking.
The Equestrians just giggled in amusement. Duke sighed. “Sorry. Feel free to explore and meet everyone. And Joes?” he said, turning to the troops. “These are our guests from another world. Please show them respect.”
The Equestrians all nodded, separating to go and meet the various crew members in the room. Fluttershy, cautiously, went over to where a blonde, bearded man with heavily tattooed arms and dark green fatigues was standing near an arcade machine. He was leaning against it, and when Fluttershy came over, he sat down in a cross-legged position and grinned widely.
“H-Hi...” Fluttershy said.
The blonde man grinned. “Heya. Don't worry, I'm cuddlier than I look,” he said. “The name's Rock n' Roll.”
“Like the music style?” Fluttershy asked.
Rock n' Roll nodded. “Yep,” he said. “And I gotta say, you are by God the most adorable aliens I've ever seen.”
Fluttershy grinned. “Thank you...”
Rock n' Roll grinned again. “I mean it. You remind me of this plush toy I had as a kid,” he said. “I loved hugging that thing all the time and... err...” He realized what he was saying and winced. “S-Sorry...”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No, I don't mind the comparison,” she said. “And I like hugs, too.”
Rock n' Roll blinked. “Oh! Uh... would you like a hug?” he asked.
“I wouldn't mind,” Fluttershy said, blushing shyly.
Rock n' Roll grinned, scooping up Fluttershy and hugging her tightly. Fluttershy squeaked in surprise, but didn't resist. “You're nice,” she said.
“I try to be,” Rock n' Roll said.
“What's this game you were playing?” Fluttershy asked, gesturing to the arcade machine.
Rock n' Roll blinked. “Your world has video games?”
“I'm not really into them myself,” Fluttershy said, nodding, “but yes, kind of. They're called magigames, but they look similar.” She smiled warmly. “So what's the game?”
“Er...” Rock n' Roll looked up at the machine's title.
Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3.
He glanced over to Rainbow Dash, who was staring at the game's screen, and slowly shaking her head.
“Nothing you'd be interested in,” Rock n' Roll said, grinning nervously.
Fluttershy blinked, but shrugged, deciding to accept that answer.
Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. “Your friend the sensitive type?” asked a man in pilot gear. The rainbow-maned pony shook her head.
“Kinda. She's an animal caretaker, so she's well aware of how rough nature can be,” the pegasus said. “But that kinda violence? Yeah, that'd be a bit much for her. Which is a shame, 'cause it looks awesome.”
The pilot chuckled. “Name's Ace. I'm a pilot,” he said.
“Sweet,” Rainbow Dash said. “What do you fly?”
“Skystriker XP-21F,” Ace said. “One of the best planes in the business.”
“Sounds pretty sweet,” Rainbow Dash said. “We're only up to the prototype stage in terms of airplanes. Most we got in terms of airships is big balloon ships. And most pegasi, the Wonderbolts in particular, can go faster than them.”
“Interesting that you're letting a foreign soldier know your tech level,” Ace said softly.
“We've got nothing to hide,” Rainbow Dash said, shrugging. “We're here as friends.”
You are very lucky we're the good guys, Ace thought to himself. “I'd keep it to yourself nonetheless. No one here's the type to use it against you, but not everyone has the same scruples. Even your world has types that would exploit any advantage they could take, am I right?”
Rainbow Dash frowned, and nodded. “I guess that makes sense...”
Ace chuckled. “Don't worry about it,” he said. “Just keep things in your metaphorical hat until it becomes relevant. Now. You said you can fly faster than most ships. What's your top speed, Dasher?”
Rainbow Dash told him. Ace blinked. “...This is gonna sound really in appropriate but I am suddenly very interested in pony biology.”
Rainbow Dash smirked. “No big,” she said. “No matter the species, all the stallions want me.”
“I'm serious,” Ace said. “At those Gs, your body should be LIQUIFIED. I am very interested to know how you survive.”
“Pure awesome,” Rainbow Dash explained. Ace just glared at her with amusement.
As pilot and chromatic embodiment of ego talked, Rarity made her way over to a redheaded woman in a brown bomber jacket at a pool table. She was fascinated with the way she moved, with a subtle grace and elegance that the other soldiers in the room lacked.
The redhead noticed Rarity as she circled the table for another shot. “Hey there,” she said, smiling. “Nice to meet you, oddly adorable alien pony.”
Rarity giggled. “A pleasure,” she said. “My name is Rarity. I am a fashion designer, owner of the Carousel Boutique line of stores. Where everything is chiq, unique, and mangifique.”
The redhead smirked. “I love your accent,” she said. “It's so obviously something you taught yourself, but strangely it fits you perfectly.”
“One must cultivate a certain image when dealing with fashion, darling,” Rarity said, smirking right back.
The redhead chuckled. “True, true,” she said. “The name's Cover Girl.”
Rarity smiled. “With a name like that, I bet you were a model,” she said, pulling over a stool with her magic, climbing up to sit down on it and leaning on the table.
Cover Girl nodded, sighing. “Yep... And let me tell you, it was one of the most unfulfilling times of my life,” she said, leaning on her cue.
Rarity blinked. “Really?” she said.
Cover Girl nodded. “All the time, just pose and look pretty, pose and look pretty,” she said. “And God, some of what I had to wear... I felt like a damn peacock, except even more silly-looking. I wanted to be more than just a pretty face. So I joined the army, and learned how to pilot tanks.” She grinned savagely. “And lemme tell you, there's little in life more satisfying to me than driving a multi-ton engine of destruction and using its cannons to blow up the enemy.”
Rarity eeped. “Dear me...” she said. “Forgive me if I seem nonplussed. I've always found great satisfaction in the fashion industry...”
Cover Girl shrugged, smiling easily. “You're a designer. And if you've got a whole line of stores, then you're a successful one. You do actual work, instead of just standing around looking pretty.”
Rarity bit her lip. “Well... maybe. My friend Applejack, she doesn't get fashion at all. But she said one time that she appreciates me because of the work I put in,” she said, gesturing to the orange pony as she wandered around, casually chatting with various troops.
Cover Girl looked over to Applejack, taking in her accent. “She a farmer?”
Rarity nodded. “Indeed,” she said. “One of the finest apple farmers in Equestria.”
Cover Girl nodded. “That makes sense. We've got a few farm boys here. Hard work goes hand-in-hand with owning a farm, so it's pretty obvious they'd appreciate someone who puts effort into their job.” She glanced at Rarity. “Surprised that someone as classy as you would have a farmer for a friend.”
Rarity smiled. “We have our differences, Cover Girl, but I've never had a better set of friends than this group of girls,” she said, sighing contentedly.
Cover Girl smiled, and offered Rarity an extra pool cue. “Here,” she said. “You ponies got pool in your world?”
Rarity smirked, taking the cue. “Oh yes. In fact, I've developed a rather charming nickname around the local pool hall in Ponyville,” she said. She dusted the tip of the cue with chalk, took aim, and struck.
Every remaining ball save for the white cue ball bounced into the hole.
“...That nickname wouldn't be Great White, would it?” Cover Girl asked, grinning despite herself.
“Undefeated for five years,” Rarity said. “I even broke Rainbow Dash's legendary stubbornness. Granted, this was after she bet away her home, every last one of her possessions, her place on the Wonderbolts, her pet, her wings, her mane, her name, her soul, her voice, an eternity of sexual servitude, a promise to undergo cultural refinement and learn my accent, a promise to conquer Equestria in my name... None of which I collected, of course. It was simply fun to see her escalate.” Rarity blushed. “Although I was tempted to have her model my more 'intimate' apparel after she promised sexual servitude.”
Cover Girl cackled. “Oh, we're gonna get along fine, Great White,” she said.
Rarity grinned lazily.
Elsewhere, Pinkie Pie was having a blast. So many new friends! Everyone she talked in the room so far to seem to like her. She looked around for a new friend, and saw a young man in a dark orange, armored uniform eating a large bowl of ice cream.
“Oooh, what's that?” she said. “Can I have a taste? Oh, no wait, that's rude. Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie! Who're you?”
The young man was rather nonplussed. He had heard about the alien visitors, but had missed their arrival. To see one of them up close and personal was something he didn't expect. He didn't consider himself interesting enough for one to take personal attention to him. “Uh... Hi. I'm called Ice Cream Soldier,” he said, composing himself after a moment.
“Ooh, neato!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing. “Is it because you like ice cream so much? I'm more of a cake lover myself, but I'm rather biased since I work in a bakery. That isn't to say that I don't love ice cream just as much! It's just that I tend to eat really quick and when I try to eat ice cream my head gets all achey-wakey and it kinda ruins the experience.”
Ice Cream Soldier grinned, relaxing in his chair and taking a bite of his ice cream. “Yeah, you gotta take it slow when enjoying ice cream. It's cool, like when you're first getting to know a lover, but if you treat her gentle, get to know her, defrost her a little, then you almost always get a sweet time.” He took another bite of his ice cream, mmming in delight as he swirled his tongue around the spoon.
“...That is both the sexiest and the creepiest way I've ever heard ice cream described to me,” Pinkie Pie said, giggling and blushing a little. “So what do you do for your team?”
“I'm a flamethrower trooper,” ICS said. “I got a specialized flamethrower/rocket launcher combo. I usually load the launcher with napalm shells.”
Pinkie Pie blinked. “You're named Ice Cream Soldier and you work with flames?”
“Yeah, the code name I got when I was still a greenshirt and before people found out my long, lasting love affair with frozen dairy desserts. Pretty much nothing fazes me,” ICS said. “Pretty good quality to have when you're carrying a tank of jellied gasoline on your back and have about a million bullets flying at you.” He scooped up a dollop of ice cream and let Pinkie Pie have a taste.
“Mmm! Pistachio!” Pinkie Pie chirped.
ICS chuckled. “Not a lot of folks here on the base appreciate pistachio,” he said. “Glad to see you got a bigger palate.”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “I'm a baker and a party planner,” she said. “I GOTTA have a good sense of taste if I want to make a good party!”
“You and I are gonna get along just fine, Pinks,” ICS said.
Applejack, for her part, was trotting back and forth between the soldiers, making brief, casual conversation before trotting on. No one had caught her eye so far as interesting, but she liked everyone she talked to.
She eventually encountered a man in green fatigues arguing with a man in what she could only guise was a blue, full-body swimsuit of some kind.
“...and if the Navy SEALS were actually worth anything, they'd... Oh. Little alien horse thing. Hi!” the man in green said, interrupting his string of insults.
Applejack tipped her hat to them, introducing herself. “I'm not interrupting, am I?”
“Nah,” the man in blue said. “We're actually almost getting along today.”
“For us, anyway. Name's Leatherneck,” the man in green said. “I'm a marine. That means I'm one of the best soldiers in the business.”
“I'm Wet-Suit. I'm a Navy SEAL, which is short for SEa, Air, and Land. Means I'm better than the best,” the man in blue said.
“Best at bein' a loser,” Leatherneck countered.
“Please. Like you've done anything of note,” Wet-Suit said.
“You aren't even allowed to say what you've done,” Leatherneck said. “Pretty convenient excuse to hide your epic level of fail.”
“Huh?” Applejack said.
Wet-Suit chuckled. “Most of my missions before I joined the Joes are top secret stuff. My CO always said if people knew what you did, then you're doing it wrong. And unlike the Big Green Bozo from Outer Space here, I never felt the need to brag. A job well done's a job well done,” he said, Applejack nodding in appreciation of the sentiment.
“Don't mind him, Miss Applejack,” Leatherneck said. “He acts all humble, but really he's got an ego the size of Roadblock's pectorals.”
“Perfectly justified, too,” Wet-Suit said, smirking. “Especially when compared to a leatherhead like you.”
“Pfah! I'd rather deal with a real seal. Those things at least are cute and cuddly,” Leatherneck said. “Although you sound just about as goofy as one!”
Applejack chuckled. “Sorry, it's just... You two remind me of Rainbow Dash and m'self,” she said.
“Eh,” Wet-Suit said. “Don't worry about it.”
“Yeah,” Leatherneck said, smiling easily. “We yell at each other all time, but we got each other's back in a firefight.”
“We've claimed exclusive rights to kill each other,” Wet-Suit said, grinning viciously at Leatherneck, who smirked right back. “I'm not about to let someone take you down before I can!”
“Delusions of grandeur,” Leatherneck tsked. “Sign of early onset senility. Shameful.”
“Yep, you two are definitely best buds,” Applejack concluded.
The two men chuckled. “So how about you, Applejack? You're our first alien, even with the space program we got, so I'm really kinda interested,” Leatherneck said.
As Applejack chatted casually with Leatherneck and Wet-Suit, Sunset Shimmer stood off to the side, smiling and just watching. She seemed content to observe everything for now, when a voice startled her out of her musings.
“You are afraid,” said the voice.
Sunset squeaked, turning around to the source of the voice. A tall man with dark, vaguely reddish skin was standing there. He wore a blue shirt, and wore a headband with a feather in it. “Forgive me,” said the man. “My name is Spirit. I couldn't help but notice you standing away from the others.”
Sunset sighed, grinning weakly. How is someone that damn tall so stealthy? she thought, having not even remotely sensed him. “It's fine, and... yeah, I guess I am a bit nervous.”
Spirit gave her a curious look. “Why? You are an ambassador, yes?” he asked.
Sunset sighed. “I can deal with political stuff. I'm just... very uncertain about making friends.”
Spirit just stared at her. “Why?”
“I've... made mistakes. Terrible ones that I should have been prosecuted for... But instead I was given a second chance by the people I betrayed...”
Spirit just smiled. “Second chances are rare. This person you say you betrayed... perhaps they did not think of it as a betrayal? Simply you losing your way?”
Sunset lowered her head, having nothing to say.
“This person who gave you your second chance, they must believe that you are a good person. Why do you not agree with them?” Spirit asked.
“...The person I betrayed was my mentor. One of the rulers of our country,” Sunset said softly. “I was... arrogant. I wasn't born an alicorn. Like Twilight, I was a unicorn. I felt... entitled. I was talented, powerful... I felt that meant I deserved to ascend, to become an alicorn like my mentor. When she threatened to end my time as her student, I... I openly rebelled. I tried to start an uprising against her. If it weren't for Twilight, I...” She shook her head. “No, no. Even without Twilight's intervention, I would have failed. She just prevented the guards from killing me...”
“You are an alicorn now, though,” Spirit said.
“...I'm still not sure that I deserve it,” Sunset said. “Yeah, I've saved the world a couple times, but...” She shook her head. “I don't know.”
Spirit smiled sagely. “You doubt yourself, doubt your actions. Yet you are now of a higher tribe, one which I assume has only a few members.”
“Six, counting me,” Sunset said.
Spirit nodded. “You doubt your position, yet your mentor has entrusted you with the rank of Ambassador.”
“She wanted to make me a Princess, like she and her sister were, and Twilight is... I refused...” Sunset said.
Spirit chuckled. “It seems to me, Sunset Shimmer, that the only one who doubts you is you.”
Sunset Shimmer just frowned.
Spirit gently stroked her mane, Sunset blushing. “If you cannot believe in yourself, Sunset Shimmer, then believe in the friends who believe in you. Use the lessons of the past to guide the actions of today, but do not let what was rule you. Your past is not today, Sunset Shimmer. It is simply the guidepost for tomorrow.”
Sunset managed to smile. “That... makes sense, I guess. I've heard it before, but... Maybe I just needed to hear it from somepony who wasn't biased towards me,” she said, smiling up at the soldier. “Thank you.”
Spirit just nodded.
As Sunset was being comforted by Spirit, Spike found himself being sniffed at by a large rottweiler. “Hey boy,” Spike said, scratching the dog's ears.
The dog barked happily, deciding he liked Spike, and began licking him. Spike giggled. “Hey, c'mon, that tickles!”
The dog's owner came over shortly after, a large, mustachioed man in green. “Sorry, sorry...” he said. “Old Junkyard here got away from me.”
Spike laughed. “It's okay. I like dogs. Always had a weird affinity for them,” he said. “I'm Spike!”
“Name's Mutt. I'm one of the K9 troopers for the force,” he said, grinning. “And you must be all right, since Junkyard here seems to think you're aces.”
“That, or he likes dragon meat,” Spike said as Junkyard began licking him again, tail wagging happily.
“Heh. So what's your story, kiddo?” Mutt asked.
“I'm a dragon! A young one, though, so before you ask, that's why I'm small,” he said. “I'm only just now starting to get my wings in.”
“Neat!” Mutt said, pulling the happy Junkyard away from Spike to give him some breathing room. “So, what, you're like a bodyguard?”
Spike chuckled. “Not yet. I mainly work as Twilight's personal assistant. It's more interesting than it sounds. Especially with her OCD.”
Mutt smirked. “Bit of an obsessive, eh?”
“Oh, I could tell you stories,” Spike said.
Mutt grinned wickedly. “Tell me some.”
Spike laughed. He liked this guy. "Well, there was one time..."
Twilight, for her part, was just watching the interactions of her friends as they talked to the Joes, finding specific Joes who interested them. Applejack seemed to have an odd friendship started with Wet-Suit and Leatherneck. Sunset was being comforted by Spirit. Pinkie and Ice Cream Soldier were having a polite debate about the merits of ice cream versus cake as a confection (although both were in agreement that cookies were amazing). Rarity had gathered a pool game around her and Cover Girl, the two beauties pretty much destroying their competition. Rock n' Roll was listening to Fluttershy talk about her animal work with rapt attention. Ace was impressing Rainbow Dash with a story about a dogfight with an enemy pilot named Wild Weasel. And Spike was bonding quite well it seemed with Mutt and Junkyard.
All in all, it seemed like things were going well. A few minutes more, and they'd move the tour on.
“Hnh...” said a voice from nearby.
Twilight turned, and saw a man in combat gear and a green balaclava standing off to one side. A grumpy expression was in his eyes as he watched his fellow soldiers bond with the Equestrians.
“Hi!” Twilight said, deciding to approach him. “I'm Twilight Sparkle.”
“Beach Head,” the man said simply, not turning to look at her. “So many regs being broken...”
“I'm... sorry?” Twilight said, frowning.
Beach Head finally did turn to her, sighing. “Your highness. It's not you I'm mad at,” he said. “It's just...” He looked out at the rec hall. “I know that there's no precedent for alien interaction. But there is regulations on how to interact with diplomats. This is... uncomfortably casual.”
Twilight smiled. “I dunno. Things are going well to me,” she said. “On my world, I'm the Princess of Friendship. Things like making friends, having fun? That's my dominion. And this is the exact sort of thing I like. Everypony happy, everypony having fun...”
Beach Head just grunted. “Hnh...” he said. He frowned at Twilight, and asked. “You called yourself the Princess of Friendship. What's that mean?”
Twilight smiled. “Our society is based on harmony. Order and Chaos, night and day, everything in balance. And the we maintain that harmony through friendship.”
“So you're a major diplomat, then,” Beach Head said, “keepin' the peace between your world's nations.”
Twilight smiled. “I also help with generic friendship problems! One time, Fluttershy and I helped end a decades long feud between two families.”
Beach Head frowned in confusion. “...How do you know where to go?”
“Through a magical table that suggests which of our group should go to help find the friendship problem,” Twilight said.
“...” Beach Head said.
“You don't believe in magic, do you?” Twilight said, sighing.
“No,” Beach Head said. “Everything I've seen from you and your people so far I can reasonably assume has a scientific explanation. Also, a table that can sense when people aren't being good friends? That seems really nosy.”
Twilight blinked, and shook her head. “N-No, it's not like that, it...”
Before Twilight and Beach Head could argue further, a greenshirt ran in.
“Sir? There's a problem,” the soldier said.
“What is it?” Duke said.
“Gung-Ho's commandeered the kitchen,” the greenshirt said, a nervous look on her face. “I think... well, remember what happened on the fourth?”
“...He wouldn't dare,” Lady Jaye said. “He's not that stupid.”
“What's wrong?” Twilight asked, flying over to Duke.
“Bit of an internal matter,” Duke said. “You can come along if you like, but please, let us handle this. Joes, MOVE!”
The Joes in the commons room followed Duke out as they all ran to the commissary, the pony visitors following behind out of curiosity. When they got there, the Equestrians hopping up on the tables to see, they found a large, bald man in an open, light blue vest with a tattoo on his chest stirring away at a large pot.
“What's he makin'?” Pinkie Pie asked. “It smells good!”
“My granny's special gumbo!” the large man said. “Y'all are vegetarian, right? I went that way 'cause I wasn't sure...”
“Sunset and I can eat anything. Pegasi sometimes eat fish. But most ponies are vegetarians, yes,” Twilight said.
The large man grinned. “Then you'll like this,” he said. “It's a veggie version of my granny's famous recipe.”
All around the large man, the other Joes were looking hesitant. “...Gung-Ho, you aren't gonna put any ghost peppers in it like last time, right?” Duke said.
“Naw,” Gung-Ho said.
Every soldier in earshot visibly relaxed.
“I got something better than those wuss fruits!” Gung-Ho declared, reaching into a pants pocket.
“Oh dear God no...” Lady Jaye said, suddenly realizing where this was going.
“Gung-Ho, DON'T...!” Duke shouted.
“I got me some CAROLINA REAPERS!” Gung-Ho said proudly, holding up a bag of wrinkly red peppers. “Found a guy online who was selling them, and... uh...”
Everyone carrying a gun was currently aiming them at Gung-Ho. Snake-Eyes had appeared out of nowhere, holding a combat knife to Gung-Ho's neck.
“Um... what's going on?” Sunset asked, the Equestrians rather confused.
“Put. The Peppers. Down. IDIOT,” Duke said.
Slowly, Gung-Ho put the pepper bag down near the pot. Only after his hands were off the bag did everyone relax, holstering their weapons.
“Seriously, what's going on?!” Rainbow Dash demanded.
“Those peppers are the second hottest on Earth, to the point where they're borderline unsafe to eat,” Duke explained. “They're toxic levels of hot. Gung-Ho likes spicy food, but I'm not about to inflict that on you and your friends, your highness.”
“Christ, Gung-Ho,” Wet-Suit said, exasperated. “I tried a chip covered in Reaper dust one time and was sick for three goddamn days! I wouldn't give one of those things to Leatherneck!”
Pinkie Pie, upset at all the frowns, disappeared and reappeared in the kitchens. “Oh, I'm sure it's all right,” she said, picking up the bag of peppers. “I mean, he was just trying to make a nice meal for us all, right?”
Gung-Ho nodded, smiling. Snake-Eyes shook his head desperately, the ninja realizing what Pinkie intended to do.
“If you're gonna do what I think you're gonna do, please, dear God, don't!” Lady Jaye said.
“Nono, it's okay! I like spicy food too!” Pinkie said, opening the bag and pulling out a pepper.
“Um, Pinkie Pie...” Sunset said, worried.
Pinkie Pie tossed the pepper up and caught it in her mouth, chewing it up and swallowing it. She smiled, and said, “I immediately regret this decision. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Pinkie Pie began running around in circles, spewing flames from her mouth, Snake-Eyes and Gung-Ho stepping back in alarm.
“What the Hell!?” Lifeline said.
“Milk!” Rainbow Dash suddenly demanded.
“Fridge! In clear plastic jugs!” Roadblock said. In a colorful streak, Rainbow Dash zipped through the serving window, opened the fridge, and pulled out a jug of milk. She yanked the cap off and stuffed it in Pinkie's mouth, snuffing the flames.
Pinkie Pie sucked the milk jug dry, holding it like a baby bottle. Once it was empty, she collapsed, groaning. “Ooooh... That was worse than pure rainbow...” Pinkie moaned.
“I'll get her back home,” Rainbow Dash said, casting Gung-Ho a glare. She picked up her limply groaning friend and headed back for the portal.
“I'll go with her,” Spike said. “I should let Zecora know that some of her special stomach medicine's needed.” He trotted off to the portal as well.
As soon as Rainbow Dash and Spike were gone, Beach Head stormed the kitchen, his eyes blazing with fury. “YOU GET OUT HERE, BOY!” he snarled, grabbing Gung-Ho by the vest and dragging him before Duke. The G.I. Joe field commander's eyes were full of anger, albeit a colder anger than Beach Head's open fury.
“I was just...” Gung-Ho started, Duke silencing him with a gesture.
“You. POISONED. A diplomat,” Duke growled.
“I didn't think they'd be that bad! I mean, I've always handled spice pretty good!” Gung-Ho said defensively.
Beach Head hit him, Gung-Ho wincing. “NOT EVERYONE'S GOT A STOMACH MADE OF ADAMANTIUM LIKE YOU DO, STUPID!” Beach Head roared.
“Smooth move ex-lax!” Shipwreck jeered. “You just caused an INTERDIMENSIONAL incident!”
“I ought to have you COURT-MARTIALED, you brainless...!” Duke started to yell.
“Wait, please!” Fluttershy said, putting her hooves on Duke's arm. “He didn't mean to hurt her!”
“Ma'am, this is an internal matter...” Duke tried to explain.
“We're asking for leniency,” Sunset said, stepping forward. “He shouldn't have brought the peppers, but he didn't know Pinkie Pie was going to try one for herself.”
“Pinkie Pie will be okay,” Applejack said. “We've all been through much worse. Rainbow Dash will probably want to sock him one, but that's about it.”
“Please,” Twilight said. “This was just an accident, and as much Pinkie Pie's fault as it is his. She's notoriously unpredictable.”
Beach Head's eyebrow was twitching in disbelief. Duke stared at all of the ponies in dismay, all of them giving him the most adorable pleading looks. Everyone else watched Duke, wondering what he'd do.
Duke turned away, clenching his fists. He was still furious with Gung-Ho, but the diplomats, the wronged party, were insisting on leniency. It was frustrating. He clenched his fists, his teeth audibly grinding as he took a deep breath to calm himself.
“...Snake-Eyes, grab the peppers and bring them here,” Duke said. Once the ninja handed him the bag of peppers, he said, “Gung-Ho, I'm not going to have you court-martialed.”
Gung-Ho sighed in relief. “WHAT!?” Beach Head almost shrieked.
Duke held up his hand for silence. “BUT! You're not getting out of punishment,” he said. He forced the bag of peppers into Gung-Ho's hand. “If you can eat all of those and then stand still for ten minutes without going for milk, you're off the hook.”
Gung-Ho looked at the peppers, considering.
“If you CAN'T,” Duke said, grabbing Gung-Ho by the vest. “Then I'm sending you to the Slaughterhouse for a YEAR of remedial training. And I'm going to tell the Sarge why you are there.” He roughly shoved Gung-Ho back.
Beach Head calmed down immediately. “Yeah... Okay, I can live with that...” he said, chuckling wickedly.
“Um... the Slaughterhouse?” Rarity asked, visibly concerned.
“A specialized training center run by a fellow named Sgt. Slaughter,” Beach Head explained. “He's a former pro-wrestler, and is now one of our team's drill sergeants. Works mainly with extreme disciplinary cases. He has no concept of mercy, and no tolerance for idiots.”
Twilight and the others grimaced. “I suppose... that's better...”
“Um, Duke...” Lifeline said. “Just ONE of those peppers is dangerous. Eating all six could...”
Duke sneered. “He can handle it. He's a maw-REEN,” the blonde-man jeered. “Jarheads like him are toughest in the world, aren't ya?”
“That's right...” Gung-Ho said, accepting the challenge. “I am.” He popped one pepper in his mouth, confidently chewing it. In short order, his face began to redden, his chewing slowing down as the spice started to hit him. He coughed, his nose starting to run as he swallowed the pepper, tears of pain streaming down his face. He coughed again, more harshly this time. His mouth was on fire, and he felt as if he did have open flames in his mouth like Pinkie Pie did earlier. His stomach was churning violently, rejecting the Carolina Reaper.
Slowly, sweating heavily, Gung-Ho put the second pepper into his mouth. Slowly, he chewed it up and swallowed it.
Five seconds later, he ran for a trash can and threw up.
Golf-claps filled the room as Gung-Ho staggered, collapsing against the can after he emptied his stomach, groaning.
Duke facepalmed. “Get this idiot to the infirmary,” he said. “Once he's healed, send him to Sgt. Slaughter.”
Lifeline sighed, helping Gung-Ho leave the room. Duke shook his head, rubbing his temples.
“I'm... really sorry that happened,” Lady Jaye said, grinning apologetically.
“It's okay,” Twilight said, sighing. “It was just an accident. Miscommunication all around.”
Roadblock, in the meantime, had gone into the kitchen to taste the gumbo. He was adding much lighter amounts of spice to it. “Duke, the gumbo's salvageable,” the master chef said. “Granny LaFitte's recipe here is pretty dang good.”
Duke nodded. “If anyone can make something good, it's you,” he said, Roadblock nodding and taking over the kitchen. Snake-Eyes decided to help, making more dishes at Roadblock's direction.
Lady Jaye chuckled weakly. “Well, we were planning on treating you to a meal here anyway...”
Rarity smiled. “It really does smell good, darling,” she said.
“Is Pinkie Pie really gonna be all right?” Bazooka asked.
Applejack nodded. “Like we said, we've all been through worse than a case of spice poisoning,” she said. “Lemme tell you about this one mess I caused after I went for a couple days without sleepin'.”
As everyone finally managed to relax, the remaining tour group sitting with the ponies as Applejack related the story. As Duke listened, he mused to himself, At least it can't get any worse.
Although as soon as he thought it, he had the weirdest feeling that he just jinxed himself...
TO BE CONTINUED...
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Duke, why did you just let Private Snafu onto the base?
8223980 Private Snafu's always on base, Duke just invited Commander Fubar
And where is Starlight in all of this?
Another enjoyable chapter. Good job.
Duke, as a former soldier I can tell you with certainty, that Privet Murphy is always nearby and on duty.
8224204
No, he invited the big cheese, Sir Issac Newton! Back from the grave to ruin your day!
Oh no he also brought his friend, Murphy.....wait Eddie Murphy?
Pinkie Pie really needs to learn that just because you can eat it, doesn't mean you should.
Having grown up with these GI Joes, I approve of this entirely. Keep going.
PS: I want to see Iron Will meet Sergeant Slaughter.
8141156
I meant where the ponies prove to be spectrally incompetent in warfare in comparison to humans (which is all those stories are actually about now these days) and say get steam rolled by Cobra.
8250972
Oh. IT's not going to be that, either, so don't worry.
8251132
I was serious BTW, those fics aren't about people becoming ponies, they're about Equestria getting steamrolled by humanity's military might for the quad trillionth time, conversion is just a macguffin for it to happen.
8226087
That would actually be funny.
8224433
Maybe this takes place before that season?
8291362
Well the time is some point in the future for the ponies, but maybe Starlight is back home holding the fort and keeping the portal running, or she hooked up with Sunburst and moved to the crystal empire?
On another note the "Hasbro 1980's Universe" is G. I. Joe, My little Pony Friends, Transformers and Inhumanoids. I believe the massive crossover fic The Elements of Harmony and The Savior of Worlds also included M.A.S.K.(retconned into a division of G I Joe when Hasbro got the IP) and the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon.
8141156
Hehehe-hahahahaha! I am amused by your screams to explain that this is not a Conversion Bureau fic!
8226087
And with Saxton Hale!
Hehehe-hahaha, I love how everyone assumes this is a Conversion Bureau fic and KnightMysterio is yelling it's just a Normal crossover! It amuses me!
8358749
May I have a link to the 'Elements of Harmony' fic?
8400521
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/3072/the-elements-of-harmony-and-the-savior-of-worlds
8401089
Oh wait, I know this story! I thought you were talking about two stories and 'the Savior of Worlds' was the one with Megan and G.I. Joe and 'Elements of Harmony' was another. NVM!
I might have laughed too much at Pinkie's reaction to eating the pepper.
Meow. 🙀
Why'd you stop writing this story?