• Member Since 22nd Dec, 2016
  • offline last seen Feb 11th, 2021

Hippogriff Magister


Just a guy who wants to learn and grow in this ever changing world

Comments ( 10 )

I'm sorry, yo. I don't know how everyone else felt about this, but I saw that this story was in a desperate need of an editor. There's too many grammatical errors and also too many missing words that had me lost on the ride. I do have to say that I liked the plot of where it was going until it got to the clop.

The clop was what also needed attention; In the beginning, I was like "Holy crap, this is going to be interesting." But when reading the clop, it shot my hopes down; I was not in the slightest attracted to it. Plus, it looked like it was rushed when you completed it because not a lot of words played a great part down this line and it seemed that simple word play was used. By that, I mean you used the words to describe what's going on, but don't put more detail to what's going on. This is what I meant:

I swiftly walked behind her and when I’m in the perfect spot, I slowly glided my rod midway inside of hot, wet entrance. She let out a gasp of surprise at my sudden action but it quickly transformed into a groan of pleasure as turned to look at my face with a very pleasant look.

I felt that this line had a lot more to offer, but all I'm given was a guess on where they were right at that moment, which got me lost for the rest of it. If the 'perfect spot' was the doorway to his room, I get it. But, say it so I don't have to guess the new setting.

Overall, I know this was your first time making an anthro story. But if you need second opinions on your stories, it's always helpful to ask other people. If those people say they don't find any problems in your story however, keep looking for others until one notices something that the others haven't. I love your stories plot, so don't think that this will hurt your confidence, because I see greatness coming out of your next anthro story (if you decide to do another one). I mean come on, a one armed player catching the attention of some unwanted mares and his crush? That's actually dope and unique.:pinkiehappy:

Unlike other people who charge for their services, I can edit your story for free. Really, I don't see why people charge on this website (it's fanfiction for crying out loud). But, I believe that every story should get a chance from aspired writers who wants to play god for their stories.:twilightsmile:

8060811 Thanks for the advice! You can edit it if you have the time, but how do I let you?
Sorry, I'm still new here.

8061196 what program did you use to make the story? Google Docs? Word?

For those of you who don't know Powder Rouge, her only appearance was during the episode, Green Envy.

Don't you mean Green Isn't Your color?

A lot of typos and errors, but its not bad, its something new about a character most people forgot about. Its nice to see more background characters get some attention.

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