Follow along with two stories, one in the past as a guard struggles to be accepted into society, and in the present where a mare still struggles to do the same.
The first story follows along a Royal Guard by the name of Ash Sparrow, a bat pony.
The second story is is in the present, 1000 years after his story. It follows along a mare by the name of Alice Sparrow.
Both have very similar stories, struggling to fit in a world that hates them.
Can they find peace and love, or will it end in misery, pain, and strife instead?
{And thank you For This Comment, and no thanks to This Other Comment for coming up with the character names (two of them at least)}
Chapters (18)
Okay there seems to be a couple common problems with your writing. You often have two different people speaking in the same paragraph. You need to stop that. When a new person speaks make another paragraph. Another thing is how you break up long speeches. Use a comma at the end before the break, close the quote, make the paragraph break, indicate that the person is still speaking and start where you left off after the break.
This one has a problem with the naming scheme, 'Richard Sparrow' doesn't fit in the established pony naming pattern, 'Alice Sparrow' is a strech, but you need to revisit how the show names its characters and try again.
Beyound that, you don't need to make these small chapters, all eight can easily fit into one.
That all being said, it's a great idea and I think it's worth following.
8054425
There is no 'Richard' Sparrow.
Besides, what names DO YOU have that are better?
8054431 ....'Sparrow' sparrow?
8054431 Sorry, 'David'. How about Myotis, Star Dancer, Space Walker, Comet, Event Horizon, Meteor Shower, Total Eclipse, Crescent Moon, Sirius, Regulus, New Moon, Southern Lights, Northern Lights, Last Wish, Wishing Star, Aster (from asteriod), Flying Fox, Pale Night, Drac, Vamp... anything related to the night sky, bats and even vampires. Heck even a pun of Day and watching would fit.
8054470
Sparrows are black...
Bat ponies are black...
I make very weird, very loose connections in literature.
8054538
Maximillion the minion would love you.
Also, Sparrow in the Fable series is the lowest ranking street urchin or orphan. Where as Jack (of all trades) is the highest.
8054578
Why is that exactly?
(tl;dr)
8054580
Overlord is a game where you command an army of gremlins known as minions. Maximilian is critical of bards who use loose connections and words that do not rhyme in poetry. The author makes a lot of snark at poets in general, which is funny because the characters are not all that intelligent to begin with and talk in brute, code monkey speak, cockney, or goblin.
Fable is another video game in the same vain as Zelda or Assasin's Creed.
8054578
Wow, unintentional literature reference bonus points.
"Rachel"
.... seirously...
Screw It I am not repeating the list I gave you for names that work better in the premis of the universe than "David" before you changed it to Aster back and chapter eight. You're not welcomed by the way. Cannot even give credit where credit is due.
You never ask a woman her age when you meet her for the first time unless your a bartender or server of alcohol and you ask for ID...
Thats it I am done following this. Downvote.
8056598
Check again, now I have.
(Give me time, please, geez.)
8056602
Mr. Foxhelm, this is bordering on rude.
I don't want to block you from commenting on my stories if you can't try to say something positive.
But I will if I need to.
8056606 I will still follow you over all. But I am not following this story any long. I should not have had to state it in the first place. I am not angry. I am disappointed.
8056612
Ouch.
8056598
Well, I came up with my own name, no thanks to you.
Ha-ha.
ten more chapters... are Alice and Ash going to body swap? That would be awkward, in the extreme.