Eight
Present Day
Suddenly the front door slammed shut once it had been opened and yet another bat pony came in. Alice nearly jumped out of her seat in surprise, why did her brother always have to try to make a great grand entrance?
“HELLO THERE MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER!” he shouted, “HOW ARE YOU?”
“ASTER!” she shouted back, “Didn't I tell you not to do that?”
“Yes, you did, but you know me, I ignore the rules of society and family!”
She sighed, her brother was very annoying sometimes, but she still loved him nonetheless. “Brother, just try to take it down a bit first, because guess what I found today?” she said. He raised a chin to his hoof and contemplated it.
“Oh, let me guess, was it your brain perhaps?” he replied back very sarcastically. Alice sighed, her brother was a very practical joke pony, and trickster as well.
“No, I found a book,” she said.
“How exciting,” he replied back without any enthusiasm whatsoever.
“It’s a journal from one of our ancestors.”
His eyes slowly raised, “Well then, please, show me.”
Alice took him to the book, “Careful, it’s over a thousand years old.”
“Wait, how do you know that?” he asked.
“Uh, I may have read ahead just a bit.”
“Well, I don't blame you,”
“Well, I’m here,” she said pointing at a page, “So just let me know when you get there so that way we can read it together, okay then?”
He nodded, quickly looked at the book, and then together they read it…
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Okay there seems to be a couple common problems with your writing. You often have two different people speaking in the same paragraph. You need to stop that. When a new person speaks make another paragraph. Another thing is how you break up long speeches. Use a comma at the end before the break, close the quote, make the paragraph break, indicate that the person is still speaking and start where you left off after the break.
This one has a problem with the naming scheme, 'Richard Sparrow' doesn't fit in the established pony naming pattern, 'Alice Sparrow' is a strech, but you need to revisit how the show names its characters and try again.
Beyound that, you don't need to make these small chapters, all eight can easily fit into one.
That all being said, it's a great idea and I think it's worth following.
8054425
There is no 'Richard' Sparrow.
Besides, what names DO YOU have that are better?
8054431 ....'Sparrow' sparrow?
8054431 Sorry, 'David'. How about Myotis, Star Dancer, Space Walker, Comet, Event Horizon, Meteor Shower, Total Eclipse, Crescent Moon, Sirius, Regulus, New Moon, Southern Lights, Northern Lights, Last Wish, Wishing Star, Aster (from asteriod), Flying Fox, Pale Night, Drac, Vamp... anything related to the night sky, bats and even vampires. Heck even a pun of Day and watching would fit.
8054470
Sparrows are black...
Bat ponies are black...
I make very weird, very loose connections in literature.
8054538
Maximillion the minion would love you.
Also, Sparrow in the Fable series is the lowest ranking street urchin or orphan. Where as Jack (of all trades) is the highest.
8054578
Why is that exactly?
(tl;dr)
8054580
Overlord is a game where you command an army of gremlins known as minions. Maximilian is critical of bards who use loose connections and words that do not rhyme in poetry. The author makes a lot of snark at poets in general, which is funny because the characters are not all that intelligent to begin with and talk in brute, code monkey speak, cockney, or goblin.
Fable is another video game in the same vain as Zelda or Assasin's Creed.
8054578
Wow, unintentional literature reference bonus points.