Chapter 46
...And found only painful, consuming emptiness. All of his delusions had been stripped away and his soul laid bare. The First Tribes saw Princess Celestia as beautiful, perfect, she was flawless and without blemish, she was radiant golden glory. She was blessed assurance, a reassuring force of faith, because one could count upon the dawn coming every morning. As for Luna, Gosling himself had been working to restore her worship, to re-establish, to reignite the spark of faith the First Tribes had in her. It was a restoration, a healing of the natural order, and Gosling had felt the strange, unknown, mysterious magic that came with faith.
But what terrible, tarnished idols he served, what dreadful, fallen goddesses. All of the things that the First Tribes shunned, all of the things that the First Tribes rejected, all of the things that the First Tribes called sinful—the Sisters were all of this and so much more. The First Tribes held a strict code of morals in their worship—such high standards of perfection were demanded—and for what, exactly? The exaltation of such flawed, loathsome beings. Everything that his faith had taught him to reject—to soundly denounce—stood behind him.
As Confessor, it was now his job, his duty, his obligation to be a defender of his faith. He held one of the highest offices in the land. His job was to be a force of moral righteousness, but how could he do that if he had to lie? Encouraging others to worship the Sisters felt dishonest now. What great moral force were they? What force of goodness? While the First Tribes held themselves to the highest standards, the Sisters held no such tenets. Was nothing taboo? Was nothing forbidden?
Even a little white lie tore Gosling apart inside and shredded his guts asunder. He was loyal to a fault and with every breath he drew, he tried to live by the standards by which he had been raised, even when he found them hypocritical and unfair. The treatment of he and his mother stood out with sharp relief in his mind, and the Elders of the First Tribes had not always been kind nor righteous in their actions. But Gosling’s faith had held, because he had told himself that ponies came and went, ponies had short, flawed lives, but Princess Celestia was eternal. She alone carried a crown of moral righteousness that mortal ponies could not hope to bear.
It was gone now, all gone; the veil was ripped in twain and Gosling saw the truth.
The dust of the library tickled his nose, but Gosling was too depleted to sneeze. He couldn’t be bothered. Everything was dead inside, the fire of his faith had been extinguished and even his anger had gone cold. He couldn’t even muster the emotion to be alarmed about the absence of feeling. It felt exactly as the Elders had promised, as they had foretold; a life without faith was to have a nihilistic void within. At least this part held true and not everything was a lie.
Against his own better judgment, Gosling turned around, his hooves shuffling over wooden splinters and spilt books. Lifting his heavy head, he looked at Luna, and saw a stranger. She was smaller than he, similar to what he knew, but also different. Her mane and tail hung down in strands of purest blue, midnight purple, and the silver of moonlight. Nothing that he saw was expected, least of all the frail, trembling, terrified pony before him. She was cowering, and the Luna that he knew did not cower. Had he any faith left, it might have been damaged by what he witnessed.
“I thought your mane was blue,” Gosling muttered, breaking the heavy silence that had settled in and was threatening to fortify.
“It is when I am but a little filly, just reborn.”
Luna’s voice was shrill, terrified, and caused Gosling’s ears to prick. Even now, he was a soldier, and the sound of a scared, frightened filly caused him to react. Now, at this moment, he resented his training, he loathed everything that had made him the pony that he was. He found himself hating his own mother just a little bit, because she had raised him this way. She had raised him with a sense of morality that the Sisters did not possess. His mother was a better pony.
“When I age a little, the purple and silver creeps in. When Celestia is small, her mane is the most nauseating hue of putrescent pink.” There was a flash of orange when Luna licked her lips, and then she continued in a screechy whine, “Gosling, I don’t understand what went wrong, not exactly, but I am aware that I have wronged you.”
With his eyes, Gosling glanced in Celestia’s direction and had to immediately look away because the pain on her face was too much to bear. Looking at Luna was no better and he found himself with no place to rest his eyes. At the moment, it might be better to be blind. He thought about turning away to stare at the wall again, or a painting, or anything really, because he didn’t want to look at these mares.
If it wasn’t for having both wings and a horn, Luna could have been one of the many fillies in his old secondary school. She had embarrassing acne and the awkward adolescent funk that made life unbearable, because you really couldn’t smell it but you knew that other ponies could. It was the sweaty, hormone-laden stench that announced to the world, “I’m sexually developing!” No doubt, Gosling probably still had a whiff of it himself, and smelling Luna now, he was reminded of how it felt to be overwhelmed with crippling self-consciousness.
Gosling could understand a filly’s vanity; of course Luna wouldn’t want him to see her this way, and upon having this realisation, this flash of insight, a lone emotion stood out within the void: sympathy. Luna had gone to insane, crazy lengths to preserve the illusion of perfect beauty—an act that Gosling understood. He had his own crazy beauty regimen that kept him free of unsightly cratered blemishes on his skin and he kept more beauty products on the bathroom counter than Celestia did.
“You lied to me.” Colder words had not been spoken and Gosling shivered when they passed his lips. “Even worse, you made your sister lie to me.”
“A few more years and none of this would matter.” Luna blinked, her blue opal eyes flashing behind eyelashes that ran with mascara. “You weren’t supposed to find out. Just a few more years and this ruse would have been cast aside. It is only a matter of time, Gosling, just a few blinks of the eye and all of this trouble would have passed.”
“How many blinks of the eye until I’m dead and none of this matters?”
Whimpering, Luna flinched and turned away as if she had been struck. Each breath was a whimper and black tears ran down her acned cheeks, leaving behind streaky stains. Gosling saw the depths of Luna’s vanity, because she wore makeup beneath illusion. Either that, or all of this was a lie as well, he couldn’t tell and had no way of knowing.
“I am not the pretty sister.” Staring down at the floor, Luna kicked her hooves together and the vulnerability in her voice was heartbreaking—or would have been had Gosling had any feeling left. “This goes beyond hiding how I really am from the world at large. I don’t want anypony seeing me right now. And certainly not you. This is unbelievably painful right now, Gosling… I hope you’ll believe me when I say that.”
Jaw muscles clenched tight, Gosling swallowed, but said nothing.
“I am the petty, manipulative sister, and I cried, and I bawled, and I had fits and tantrums until Celestia broke down and gave me what I wanted. She didn’t want to do this, honest, she didn’t, and she warned me that this might end badly. It was only a few more years until this awkwardness had passed and then the ruse would have been cast aside. It’s been stressful on me… it’s been tearing apart my mind. The illusions want to act their own way and I have to fight them constantly. It’s damaging my mind and I didn’t want to have to deal with… with… with…” Luna stammered, but failed to find the words.
Gosling watched as Luna failed to articulate whatever it was that she wanted to say. He saw the pain in her eyes, he watched her flounder while she tried to make things right. Whatever words she longed to say eluded her, and with his stony expression, he knew that he wasn’t making things easy for her. Luna, an alicorn, a creature of beautiful perfection, struggled with the simple task of explaining herself.
“I am believed to be of two minds... they call it being bipolar. It is relatively new and isn’t understood. In the old days, we called it lunacy. I was the crazy sister of the night and I had a disease of the mind named after me. It was painful, it was insulting, and it drove me crazy. Lunacy…” Her words trailed off as her orange tongue darted out once more and then lingered in the corner of her mouth where her lips were chapped.
Flapping her folded wings against her sides, Luna fought to continue. “The constant state of illusion was making it worse. It was making everything worse. Only a few knew the cause, the secret source of agitation. Cadance was one of them, of course. She was staking the entirety of her reputation on the claim that I would see improvement, that I would get better in time. There’s been a lot of questions about me being fit to rule and the whole bipolar issue casts a dark shadow upon me. Most who have opinions on this matter have no idea about the truth, and Cadance was constantly telling them to give me time to readjust to the modern era before any major decision was made. Many call for me to abdicate and Cadance, poor Cadance, she has bore the brunt of it with her assertions.”
The first inkling of understanding trickled into Gosling’s grey matter. He knew about the bipolar diagnosis, and he was aware of the pressure on Luna to abdicate her throne. With the constant state of aggravation caused by living in an illusion—the sudden realisation caused Gosling to recoil and he retreated away from Luna until his hindquarters smacked the stone wall.
“Luna, why are you doing this to yourself? Why?”
“Duty, Gosling. Surely you can understand.”
“No”—he shook his head from side to side—“I don’t.”
“Gosling, you might not be a warrior, but you are a soldier, a born one. Many soldiers wear duty like an armor, but yours comes from your heart. You are dutiful to a fault, to the point of weakness. If I were to command you as your princess right now, you would obey.”
A miserable sullenness wormed through Gosling’s mind when he knew that Luna’s words were true. He would. Sullenness fermented into something worse, something almost like self-loathing. After joining the guard, Gosling couldn’t imagine being anything else, he could imagine no life outside of the guard. The armor suited him.
“So in duty, I suffer, and hope for the best, but I also fear the future. Even without the illusions that are shredding my mind, I am not the most stable of mares. My mood swings are violent, going from melancholy to mania and back again. Once the shadow of the illusions were gone, I had plans to open up my heart to you… when I was ‘me’ again, and not whatever it is that I am now. I was waiting, impatient, I wanted the dark clouds to pass before I revealed the Majesty of the Night to you.”
The dull ache of the icicle going through his heart returned, and Gosling felt his throat grow tight. As much as he didn’t want to, he understood Luna, but he didn’t know how to feel about it. Understanding didn’t make things better, if anything, it made everything worse, and he had no way of sorting everything out. Nothing made sense right now, and he wanted to talk to somepony—but who? There was literally nopony he could talk to about this to help him sort his feelings out. He held no trust for Cadance, even though she wasn’t entirely at fault, and talking to his mother about this was impossible. Maybe he could spill his guts to Twilight and accomplish two things at once: secure the bonds of friendship and give poor Twilight some much needed truth.
“Gosling… I wanted to tell you—”
“Sunshine, shut up! I don’t wanna hear from you right now! You let your sister do this to us. If you can rule a nation but you can’t rule your manipulative little sister, maybe you should think about abdicating as well! It was a dereliction of duty!”
There was a gasp from Celestia, whom Gosling avoided looking at, and he could only imagine how much pain his words had caused. Did he mean them? Maybe. The words tasted like blasphemy, but had an unpleasant, bitter truth about them. A new emotion arrived, regret, and he was almost overwhelmed by the sheer oppressiveness of it. Those were words that could never be taken back, and from the looks of things, he had just ripped Luna a new one as well.
Was he speaking as a soldier or a husband? He couldn’t tell. A soldier concerned themselves with duty, but so did husbands. Chewing on his lip, Gosling surveyed the ruined library around him. Spears, armor, books, chunks of wood that used to be bookshelves, and two very broken alicorns. Like tricky magical books, alicorns could not be read, they only revealed what they wanted to have seen by the reader, but hid everything else away.
“You do not understand what my sister risked for my sake,” Luna said in a pained whine that made Gosling’s ears prick. “She had made herself observe time once more just so that she might savour these precious seconds with you. She has intentionally reduced her immortal perspective so you won’t be an eyeblink. There is so much more that you don’t understand, Gosling, but I am willing to tell you if it will help make things right. I caused this to happen, so it should fall on me to make this right somehow.”
“This is only the second time that Luna has done something like this, Gosling.” Celestia’s voice held an odd tremulation to it, and he was unable to determine the cause. “Taking responsibility, I mean… she punishes herself for becoming Nightmare Moon… allowing it to happen. She knows her own part in that. The fact that she is baring her soul to you right now… Gosling, I know how angry you must be, but I am begging you… begging you to give my sister a chance to make things right. The very fact that she has not fled the situation and left me to clean up the mess… Gosling, whatever it is that you decide to do next will determine Luna’s course in ways that even I cannot predict. If she sees that she can face the consequences and it isn’t so bad—”
Wincing, Gosling knew the words before Celestia had finished them. “Then she might be better about facing them in the future.” Duty, like a fierce hornblast, roused Gosling from his funk and he felt his spirits lift. Whatever he did next, whatever he chose, whichever course of action he took, it might very well determine the fate of the nation. His choice would have far-reaching consequences and ripple effects beyond imagining. While that was important, it was vital and meaningful, there was something else that he found of even more importance…
And that was Luna.
“Why are you doing this?” Gosling demanded of Luna.
“For my sister’s sake, for her happiness—”
“Fuck this, I’m gone.” Plowing into Luna, he shoved her aside, stepped over some empty armor, and then had to avoid a sharp spear point that threatened his leg.
“Wait!” Luna’s voice filled the ruined library and echoed among the devastation. “For my sake as well. For my own happiness. I really did mean what I said when I called you my roostmate, Gosling. This is hard for me and I’m struggling. Please stay!”
Halting, Gosling felt two sets of eyes upon him, burning holes into his soul. Luna, having recovered, now moved in front of him, and he saw nothing of the princess he once knew. She was… a pony. With acne, runny mascara, chapped lips, and red, bloodshot eyes. Luna was at her least attractive, but she was facing him and doing so without her customary cloak of illusion.
“This is the second hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I want to do right! The Elements of Harmony did something to me… I cannot explain it, but I am motivated to do well. I want this current life of mine, however long this particular body might last, I want to do good. The last life, the last body, all of that ended badly. That was my plunge into darkness and I want this to be my return to the light! Please!”
Gosling waited while casting a dubious glance in Luna’s general direction.
“Forget about my sister, this is about me!”
“There’s a lot I don’t understand,” Gosling said to Luna, shaking his head. “You speak of death so casually, yet here you are.”
“I am careless with my bodies… at least, I have been in the past. I’ve never lived past a century or so. Knowing that I will return, it makes me careless in battle and I am lousy about retreat. My carelessness has consequences, because when I’m little, my magic is weak, and it feels that sometimes I am always developing but never matured. It’s complicated… being an immortal is complicated. I once allowed myself to die because I was bored and wanted my sister to suffer—it bothers her, you see, it is like sticking your tongue up your nose to annoy somepony, but I suppose this is far worse.”
There were no words. Gosling could find no words. Nothing during his brief existence had prepared him for this, and for all of his studies, for all of his learning, for all that he had already witnessed, he had nothing he could say about what he had just heard. While staring down the difficult concept of immortality, Gosling’s brain went mercifully blank.
“My carelessness has always left me the weaker, but Celestia has died many times as well. Though that seems to be in the past. When we’re both small and weak, it is a struggle for us to move the sun, the moon, and the heavenly bodies. I messed up everything by allowing myself to become Nightmare Moon. With me gone, if something would have happened to Celestia, she might not have been able to wrangle the sun, the moon, and everything else.”
When Luna sucked in a deep breath, Gosling braced himself.
“Celestia had to build up a fortress of civilisation and then cut herself off from life. She had to stop living. My sister had to stop taking risks. Because of what I did, I left her in an awful spot and she was forced to survive, not as an immortal might, but as a mortal living in fear of their own life. Well, sort of as a mortal. She couldn’t risk death, Gosling, it would have been disastrous. So she had to stop doing all of the things that she loved to do, like bear foals and be in love. Foalbirth is risky and we’ve both died in birth, only to live as fillies among the very offspring that we brought into the world.”
Mind reeling, Gosling struggled to take it all in.
“I hurt my sister… I took life away from her. She couldn’t risk doing anything that might cause rebirth. Now she’s existed for at least a thousand years or so, and she’s grown in might and power. She’s learned much about our bodies and how we function. She’s grown strong, but at a terrible, terrible price, Gosling, and it is all my fault. Everything is my fault. And now, just as my sister has started to recover herself, I blew it. I caused this. I was selfish, and spoiled, and I exploited my sister’s one weakness to get my way, and I’m sorry!”
The clatter of metal against stone caused Gosling’s ears to prick and when he tilted his head he saw Celestia approaching in the corner of his vision. Her regal mask was gone, she was no statue, and he could see the hurt etched into her face. Hardening his heart—or trying to do so—he reminded himself that the only reason why he saw some expression upon her face was because she was allowing him to see it.
“I think the two of you have much to discuss with one another,” Celestia said as she touched both Gosling and Luna with her wings. “Gosling, you and I have much to discuss as well, but that will come later, after you’ve spoken with Luna. As for myself, I owe Cadance and Twilight an apology, and I must go make things right.”
“Don’t leave me!” Luna’s voice was one of foalish panic and she threw herself against Celestia. “Please, don’t go! This is scary!”
“Sister, it is best if you faced up to the consequences of your mistakes on your own.” A tear rolled down Celestia’s cheek, but her voice was firm, unyielding. “I have covered for your mistakes too long and bore the consequences upon my back. It has left you weak and timid. This ends… now.”
“But… but… no!” Luna let out a mewling whine and tried to follow when Celestia began to move away. “I can’t do this on my own!”
“Then turn to Gosling for help.” A change came over Celestia’s voice, which had turned as cold as the Canterhorn during the dark of winter. “He is your husband, your preenmate, and you, you called him your roostmate. If you truly meant what you said, act like it.”
Using her wing, Celestia shoved her sister with enough force to send her careening into Gosling, and the impact was almost enough to bowl him over. Try as he might, he could not recall a time when Celestia had acted so cold and impersonal. It took him several moments and a few rapid blinks, but he realised that Celestia was angry with Luna. Sudden worry chilled his blood and real panic gripped his heart, crushing the icicle that had been rammed through it. The last thing he wanted was a tear between the sisters, all of Equestria’s history was what it was because of the last time the sisters quarreled.
There was too much at stake and Gosling knew this. Flogging his brain, he tried to think of something, but it was hard, and the sudden flood of emotion was overtaking him. He could only think of one thing, but he had trouble remembering all of it. Wrapping his wing around Luna’s neck, he said to her, “I am a little pale shadow—”
“A penumbra,” Luna continued, cutting him off. “A patch of darkness between the Sun and the Moon. I have chosen to wax and wane between the two of you. I stand in her light and tread in your darkness. For now, I have had enough of the light, and I have chosen to retreat into the darkness, as any good shadow does.”
“H-h-how?” Gosling stammered while his grip around Luna with his wing tightened. “I know I said it, but I had trouble remembering the words… how?”
“I revisit those words in dreams and remind myself of them daily. They give me strength when things get rough. That was the day I accepted you as my roostmate, and knew that I would do anything for you.”
“Except for telling me the truth.” As hard as it was, Gosling looked into Luna’s blue opal eyes, perhaps hoping for a peek into her soul.
“Luna, you will be fine. Gosling, I will beg your forgiveness later. For now, mistakes must be corrected. My heart aches with shame from what I have done.” Then, as the final word left Celestia’s mouth, she vanished.
Trembling, no longer having the protection or the support of her sister, Luna asked, “Are we still friends?”
Filling his lungs, Gosling thought about what to say, how to respond, and tried to understand how he felt. She was trembling, vulnerable, and exposed. Celestia was gone, but not without saying something profound. With silence, Celestia had said that she trusted him with her sister, even after his fit of rage. Heart and soul aching, Gosling struggled for something to say.
“Luna… I…”
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You’re awful and I love you
DAMMIT KUDZ YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT THERE, WRITE FASTER
You, sir, have been exceptionally cruel to us with this chapter. I hope you realize and understand that, and I hope you're pleased with your actions.
Now if you'll excuse me, there is a tub of ice cream I have to go cry into.
nice cliff edge there
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78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2l7l2P44o1qi3nod.gif
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...ok then
8770859
Oh he is. This is how it is with him.
*falls off another cliffhanger*
STOPPIT!
Damn you~
Ohhh the literary whiplash from these stops... well done.
This is how The Sopranos ended...
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8770848
CLIFFHANGERS AGH!!!!!
I'm starting to hate ellipses.
Ah, and thus, Gosling has felt the slap of reality: can't be perfect if you actually exist.
Bad author. Bad. *smack with story on nose* Go to your keyboard and don't come back till you've written a proper ending.
Somebody needs couples counseling.
Poor Luna. Celestias tough love is whats called for. I hope Gosling steps up.
8770859
Yea, I’m gona have some too. How am i supposed to sleep now?
If I have nightmares Its this chapters fault.
Luna needs all of the therapy.
Yep.
8771387
What Luna needs to do first is stop with this illusion nonsense, because that is actually introducing uncontrolled variables into the therapy she is receiving and is ruining her progress. Reconciling with Gosling and with Twilight — both of them are probably her best friends — will help.
Beyond that, though, I'm still angry about this myself from a non-personal point of view: Lots of ponies believe that Luna is at full power, including ponies heading up the military. Any plans to deal with Equestria's enemies will invariably include the alicorns at some point, especially now, and those plans will be made with the assumption that Luna is at full power, and will fail catastrophically when she isn't able to deliver on what everyone believed she was able to. Equestria's security has been unnecessary compromised, and once he's had some more time to calm down, Gosling is going to realize this. Whether he does anything about it, who can say? But he won't be happy.
8771420
If she waits a bit longer until the "Pink and Purple" starts creeping into her hair, she can just pass it off as Alicorn Biology.
Repetition
Ok... so... they die and get “reborn” (I don’t think actually going through the birth process). They go to actual newborn state? It doesn’t seem the case from what has been described up to now...
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I think its a type of reset where they probably glow bright, and then flash they’re back to the age they were when they became alicorns. I blame the centaurs for not giving them an owners manual. Its not clear to me if they really retain everything when they die eirher.
Finally, and now Gosling is starting to see what I was seeing last chapter. You can't approach an immortal's problems with the mindset of a mortal. They are, effectively, utterly alien. There are so many factors that introduce so many things we can't possibly understand, that we want to ignore them. But in doing so we do them a disservice and force ourselves to understand them even less, which is why so many people are bad at judging or writing immortal characters. There are no 'standards' for them, and applying ours to them is practically idiocy.
Gosling was wronged because it made him feel bad, not necessarily because their reasons were wrong. Luna is correct, her plan would have worked perfectly if all had gone as she wished. Celestia is correct, if things didn't go as Luna wished it would all come tumbling down. Gosling is correct, this did hurt him. Celestia was wrong to enable Luna. Luna was wrong to force Celestia into enabling her, being manipulative. Gosling was wrong to react so explosively. No one handled this situation appropriately.
All were wrong and right about different things.
These are some brutal chapters.
I really love your universe. Hands down one of the best universes in fiction I have seen. You've made so much out of so little. Even though My Little Pony isn't yours, this whole universe is. I have almost since I was 13 years old, constantly read fanfictions every single day. I am now 25. I enjoy your series more than Harry Potter. I'm really grateful that we get to see what you have done with MLP. Now on the last note, this chapter left on. I don't know if you have seen the MLP videos by DWK, but in one of them, he makes a good description of what friendship is: "Friends aren't people who don't piss you off they're people who are worth forgiving over and over."
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Thank you.