Episode 1: An Adventure Begins
Ponyville Saga
Episode 1: An Adventure Begins
Deep within the Everfree Forest is a large clearing with a pond which shimmers under the sun. This pond is known by the local animals to be filled with many delicious fish of various sizes. Nearby Manticores, Timberwolves, and even Ursas come here for fish just about every day.
Besides these animals, another single person comes to this pond for fish just about every day. This person is a teenage Saiyan boy, one Cloud. He has black spiky hair that stands upwards, two bangs that form an upside down “V”, and black eyes.
Cloud’s lived in the Everfree Forest for a long time, since he was only 4 years old, and 8 years of survival had made him incredibly strong. ‘Just how strong’ you ask? You’ll see in but a moment…
Cloud threw his clothes to the side and kicked off his boots, leaving himself buck-naked. With a quick laugh of enjoyment, he ran for the water and jumped straight in. “Time for some fishing!” Cloud said excitedly.
Swimming to the center, Cloud kept in mind to hold back. He didn’t want what happened last time to happen again. Then he dove beneath the surface to be greeted to a world of brightly colored coral reefs and unique species of fish.
Cloud swam behind a pink colored coral reef to scope out for a good meal. There were schools of tiny fish and a fish about two feet in length with silver scales and a green triangle pattern on its side. Both were too small to eat however.
After another minute of looking around, Cloud swam back to the surface for some crisp and cool fresh air. Cloud drew in a deep breath before diving back down. He hid behind another coral reef, these ones colored bright green.
‘C’mon fish, where are you?’ Cloud thought. Just then, a gigantic fish appeared behind the unsuspecting Cloud with the aim to eat him. Its mouth opened wide to reveal rows of sharp, curved teeth a foot in length.
*SNAP!*
The fish’s mouth closed quickly with bone crushing strength, and it began to chew. However, the fish soon realized that its prey had somehow escaped it before it could bite. It looked in every direction but could not find Cloud. Little did it know that Cloud had been behind it the entire time.
‘Yep! He’ll do alright!’ Cloud thought with a smile. He poked the fish with a single finger, causing the fish to spin around in response. Before the fish could think of what to do, Cloud pulled back his fist and threw it forward, landing a knockout punch square in the fish’s face.
Cloud then grabbed the fish by the tail fin and swam all the way back to shore, unaware of the shocked expressions worn on the faces of every other fish.
After about two minutes, Cloud finally made it to shore, where he threw the fish a few feet away. He then took a minute to dry off before throwing on his green Gi, blue under shirt, a blue sash which he wrapped around his waist, blue wrist bands, and blue boots with a white strip going through them.
“This should be enough for lunch!” Cloud said, looking at the delicious looking fish which was at least twice his size. After a moment he realized he was drooling and wiped the drool off with a chuckle.
“Now where’s the sun at?” Cloud asked, looking into the sky. “Looks like it’ll be noon in a few hours, so home is in the sun’s direction.” Cloud said, grabbing the dead fish’s tail.
Cloud began walking in the direction of home, which was in the direction of the sun when it rose, dragging the fish behind him. “Now, what’ll I do when I get home?” Cloud asked himself, putting a finger to his temple.
“Hmmm, I could exercise a bit.” Cloud said, thinking about tinkering with the weights. “Or maybe I could mess with the computers some more. Actually, that might not be a good idea.” Cloud said, but recalled the time he pressed a wrong button and everything got all heavy. Cloud winced when he remembered the pain.
“Yeah, I think I’ll just do some exercising.” Cloud said. This time around, he might up the weights a bit to challenge himself.
Suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes, snapping Cloud out of his thoughts. The teenager turned towards some nearby bushes, and with a Saiyan’s his keen hearing, he heard whispering.
‘Are those bushes… talking?’ Cloud asked himself, a confused expression on his face. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard a bush talk before.’ Cloud thought.
Cloud dropped the fish and began walking towards the bush in order to figure this talking-bush-thing out. When he got close, he sat down with his legs crossed and his hands on the back of his head.
“I don’t know how many times I passed you when I went fishing, but I’ve never heard you talk!” Cloud said. “So tell me, what’s your name?” Cloud asked in a happy tone.
The bush was silent.
“C’mon! Please?” Cloud begged on his knees with puppy-dog-eyes. “I promise I won’t be mean or pee in any other bush! I SWEAR!” Cloud pleaded.
The bush remained silent for a moment before finally speaking.
“Do you Pinkie Promise?” The bush asked in a tone much like a little girl’s. “Do you cross your heart, hope to fly, and stick a cupcake in your eye?” The bush asked, but in a different girl voice.
Cloud was a bit confused by the fact the bush had two different voices, and even more by the promise, but rolled with it since he didn’t want to risk losing a potential friend.
“I cross my heart, hope to fly, and stick a cupcake in my eye!” Cloud said, earning a sigh of relief from the bush. “So what’s your name?”
“U-u-uh, my name is, uhhh…” The bush began stammering before a third girl voice answered in a tomboyish tone. “Bushy McBushistein!”
“Bushy McBushistein?” Cloud repeated in confirmation. “That’s a cool name! My name’s Cloud!” Cloud said extending a hand for a handshake, but retracted sheepishly when he realized the bush didn’t have a hand to shake. But then the bush extended a bright yellow hoof to shake, which Cloud met with his own hand to shake. Then Cloud realized something.
Bushes… don’t have hooves…
“Wait a second!” Cloud gasped. He pushed the leaves and branches apart and was met with three fillies. One was an Earth Pony with a yellow coat, a red mane and tail, and orange irises, another was a Unicorn that had a white coat, a purple and pink mane and tail, and green irises, and the last one was a Pegasus that had an orange coat, a purple mane and tail, and purple irises.
The fillies freaked out at having been spotted and ran out of the bushes as quickly as possible in whatever direction they came from, leaving behind a confused Cloud.
“… What was that about?” Cloud asked to no one in particular. “Well, I guess that's that. I better get home. I can’t wait to cook up this fish!” Cloud said, channeling a Saiyan’s love for food.
~ Cloud’s House ~
After about an hour of walking with only the occasional bout with hungry Manticores to entertain him, Cloud finally made it home. His house is an old Capsule Corporation spaceship, the kind shaped like a sphere and notable for its trademarked gravity chamber. Little did Cloud know that it was originally made for his own ancestor, Son Goku.
Cloud pressed a button on the side and the hatch opened to touch the ground. With the fish he caught, Cloud walked inside and was greeted with lights and a robotic voice.
“WELCOME, CLOUD.” The ship greeted in a female voice.
“Hiya!” Cloud greeted.
Cloud walked to a ladder and climbed down to the living quarters. It was small and pretty basic; on one side of the room was a small makeshift kitchen, on another side was a couch and T.V., and on another side was a small bathroom.
Cloud placed the fish down on a table and began to work his magic. He extended all his fingers to make his hands flat and focused his energy.
“HYAH!” Cloud exclaimed. He quickly karate chopped the fish, chopping off its tailfin. “TYAH!” Cloud exclaimed. He attacked with a barrage of karate chops, slicing the fish into bits from the tail all the way to the nose. After a few seconds, he finished.
“Now all I need to do is cook!” Cloud said. He took the pieces and placed them in the oven for about 30 minutes.
Cloud walked back to the ladder and climbed up. When his feet met the red tiled floor, Cloud began stretching, bending over to touch his toes and then entering a normal standing position, but reaching up as far as possible. After a minute or so, Cloud sat down with his legs spread apart. First he stretched to touch his right set of toes and then he stretched to reach his left toes. After doing this a few times, Cloud got up and did some lunges all the way to the other side of the room.
When Cloud reached the other side of the room, he saw weights which were like enormous red wristbands and anklets. Before he put them on, he did a few final stretches to prep his arms and legs. He wound up his arms and slipped the weights onto his wrists and ankles.
“OKAY!” Cloud said, putting his fists up. “LET’S DO THIS!!”
“HYAH!” Cloud exclaimed, throwing a basic right punch and then pulling back the same punch to throw a left. Cloud then pulled back his left and followed up with a right. “WATA!” Cloud exclaimed, throwing a left punch, this one even harder and faster. Cloud threw more and more punches, each punch faster and packed with more energy than the previous.
After about 40 punches, Cloud went to max speed. He threw a right punch and followed up with three left kicks. Upon the third kick, he spun around and threw a kick with his right. He followed up with a straight left punch and then a right.
Cloud then leapt backwards. He landed on his hands, and then pushed to his feet and continued flipping a few more meters. Upon landing on his feet, he turned around and threw a right punch. Then he leaned back to attack with an elbow, following up with a spin kick.
Cloud quickly brought his foot down and looked to see a worn out punching bag lying on the floor a few meters away. He back flipped to the punching bag, slipped his foot under it when he reached it, and kicked it into the air.
“Here I go!” Cloud exclaimed, getting into a ready stance with his feet spread and his fists leveled with his waist. “HYAH!” Cloud exclaimed as he jumped to meet the punching bag. He began laying into it with a barrage of punches and kicks, sending it flying with a final left kick. Cloud fell to the floor and, with no time to lose, ran towards the bag.
Cloud leapt for the wall and then jumped off it to meet the punching bag with a flying knee. He followed up with a left punch, and followed that with another barrage of punches and kicks. After 50 punches, Cloud ended the ‘bout’ with a downward kick, sending the punching bag to the floor.
“Huff… huff… huff… Great *pant*… I *pant* forgot… to bring *pant*… water *pant*…” Cloud said, laughing exhaustedly when he fell back to the floor. Cloud sweated profusely after 15 minutes of intense exercising and fell on his back as he panted.
Cloud then thought back to earlier. “Who were those three girls anyway?” Cloud said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen them in the forest before. Are they even from here?” Cloud said.
“What… What if they’re not from here? I never even thought about trying to leave before, actually, I never even thought that I could leave the forest! There might be a whole world out there!!” Cloud exclaimed excitedly as he stood. “It’s decided! I’m gonna go out on an adventure! I’ll head into the direction they ran. Surely I’ll find a town or even a city!” Cloud said. He ran to the door, but forgot how exhausted he was and tripped from weak legs.
Legs that also had weights on them still.
“Heehee! My bad!” Cloud laughed, removing the weights on his ankles and wrists.
Cloud resumed his run to the door and exited immediately, excited about the journey ahead, and forgetful about the fish he had cooking back home!
Cloud’s adventure begins! What kind of excitement awaits the youngster? Will he meet more people - or rather - meet more ponies?! And is there actually a world outside of the Everfree Forest?! Find out in the next action packed episode of DRAGON BALL TX!!
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Hey there!
I see that this is your first story, and it reads that way too! But that's not a bad thing. So I'm gonna give you some critisim, but I promise I'm going to be constructive about it. Any mistakes made are just a learning process.
Remember: We must all start at the beginning--there's no shame in that! (Sorry if this came off as full of myself
)
You open with a setting description. That's good. But you TOLD us what was happening. There's a classic line in fiction, "Show, don't tell." Instead of saying that all those creatures came there you could maybe have them around the pool or describe their tracks about the place. Your readers would understand.
Telling us who Cloud is, is another example of this. Knightly once gave a great blog about writing crossovers. He said that regardless of how popular a show is (and Dragonball is about as popular as they come) you need to have some explanation about it--but we'll come to that in a bit.
Instead of saying "Hey, he's a Saiyan!" give us a visible description. Talk about his hair, his tail, and for how long he's been here give indicators rather than just say "Eight years". You could do that by describing where he's trained (what saiyan doesn't train?) and the various punch marks on the trees just get higher and higher and fresher and fresher.
That'd tell your readers everything they want to know, let them figure it out, and it'd come out cleaner.
Here's a great opportunity for several things. First, now's a great time to introduce your protagonist's name. The CMC would like to know, and he can tell them. One of the great things about having a character be ignorant is that then you can have a character tell things outright rather than just telling your readers what is. I like to call it the "Gourry Effect" after Gourry form Slayer as he was mostly stupid when things needed explaining.
Which brings us to the second part.
You have to consider whose your narrator. While you're using third person, it sounds like it's being told form Cloud's perspective. He wouldn't part the bush so much as lift Applebloom up
.
Second, if he's been here from such a young age, he might not know what they are. At least Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Have him notice and maybe get confused by them would be more realistic (as realistic as a Saiyan can get).
It'd also give the girls a chance to get away (Scootaloo's abilities would be great for that
).
Having the hero just change his mind is a little weak for starting off a story. Good movement comes from motivation. Again, going back to Scootaloo, maybe have had Cloud unable to catch her, while he could normally keep up with anything else. He might want to learn how to move faster.
Also, this ties into progression of problems concept (not actual name but I forget what it is at the moment). Have Cloud maybe search books, watch recordings, or ask the computer. The only thing left is for him to leave his small world and venture out into the larger one. In order to fulfill this want/need he needs to give up something else. Gives him depth and motivation.
Lastly, if you want to follow the Hero's Journey path, you should have a threshold guardian. Someone(thing) that warns him not to go. He can come back, but he'll never be the same again (computer warning him not to leave its range of aid?).
Hope this helps and I hope to read more soon!
8048385 Thanks for the criticism Wacky! To tell the truth, this isn't my first story (or my first time telling this story, I've rewritten a lot unfortunately
), but I am pretty amateurish. I'll try to keep in mind everything you said for the next couple of chapters (and onward). Later on in the future I may rewrite this first chapter, or any others if I need to, so everything flows better. Again, thanks for the comment and criticism, I can't tell you how much I needed something like this to spur me forward. You've got a new follower!
OK good start. One question though, how did Cloud get to Equestrian? Also, how is he related to Goku?
8048561 Don't worry, everything will be revealed in due time, I just didn't want to throw everything in everyone's faces right off the bat.
If Cloud is a Saiyan, then shouldn't he be named after a vegetable?
8048492 New follower?...yay! A new member of "Cult Wacky"! I hope you enjoy the robes and eating nothing but sauerkraut! I know you had a lot of choices on whom to follow--and you choose wrong...
But in all seriousness, Don't Worry! You're average writer has to rewrite something like ten times before it's finished. There are many writers on this sight that go back and rewrite nearly their entire story once they realize they want to change something. And the readers are left waiting a long time just to get back to where they left off...
NEVER be afraid to ask for help. In the book The War of Art talks a lot about this. Very few works of creativity are truly done by one person. If you have questions, ask. Just be mindful of what the person says, feel free to ask clarifying questions, and don't argue about their advice until your try it. If you follow those three rules, most people will give you free help forever.
8048595 Good thing to do--stories take time to read, and we like learning as we go.
Have fun writing and I hope to read more soon!
8048759 Not necessarily--full-blooded saiyans yes, but any half-breeds usually follow their earth parent's naming mechanism. We must wait...(but just in case it changes, here's a link to a bunch of vegetables...).
8048595
I get it, thanks for pointing that out and I think you have left behind a few hints so I just have to wait to see if my predictions are going to be true.
8048822 you know, I wish I could say more than just thanks, but...
Thanks
8049119 It's cool man. No prob'.
The descendent of Son Goku? On a planet of ponies? This is a strange concept, yet it has so much potential! How did Cloud end up there? WHY was he sent there? The mystery!!
I am sooo following this!
8056421 thanks
! Hopefully the next episode is up by tomorrow!
Oh, a third time this story about Cloud comes back.
I remember when...
Cloud was a demi-god
Cloud had a wolf tail
Cloud was raised by timberwolves
Cloud, while still alive, went to otherworld to train with the z-fighters
Cloud had a god as a enemy, even though he's 10.
Cloud was a kid, the entire time.
Cloud was adopted by alicorns (if I recall?)
The alicorn princessess knew about Goku
Cloud made 'friends' with the mane six
Cloud couldn't speak english at first (cause raised by timberwolves!)
Cloud has UNLIMITED potential for some reason or another.
Oh, you stole my Saga title ideas, HOW COULD YOU! Nah, it's okay, it makes me glad that Saiyan of Equestria has inspired so many DBZ crossover stories like your own. (It ain't the number 1 DBZ crossover on fimfiction for nothing after all.)
It seems that you've moved away from gary stu Cloud, but there's so little content to make a good review right now, maybe I'll give you one after a few more chapters. Until then, I'll watch and fav to keep up to date!
8060156 Yeah, I remember those, too
, really don't know what I was thinking looking back. Anyways, out of all those things you listed, only about two may come back, but nothing too Gary Stuey (it was never my intention to make Cloud a Gary Stu but hey, live and learn right?). To be honest, I'm trying to stick to the very first and original version I wanted but with the needed revisions.