Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Equestria we go!

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Now I have that stuck in my head!

Interesting start....

This story has a nice play on the tropes concerning their meeting with the displacing salesman.

There is also the nice introduction to our main characters and their quirks, which most writers bypass entirely.

Overall, this is a solid first chapter, and left me willing to read more.

8382209
Well that's unexpected

Neat, organize, and has a better story introduction, while not just shoving displaced into an unknown environment without warning... interesting.

The word admitted is used too many times, as well as improperly.

“He didn’t pause when he was explaining it, he’s not acting defensively when you asked him what he meant and he’s stilling looking us in the face in a way to speak,” Steven admitted.

This is just one example, but the word admitted does not fit here, or with about 80% of the other dialogues. In this case, admitted should be replaced with "pointed out."

I'd recommend looking at the definition of a word before just stuffing it in after a sentence of dialogue.

The word admitted is used too many times, as well as improperly.

“He didn’t pause when he was explaining it, he’s not acting defensively when you asked him what he meant and he’s stilling looking us in the face in a way to speak,” Steven admitted.

This is just one example, but the word admitted does not fit here, or with about 80% of the other dialogues. In this case, admitted should be replaced with "pointed out."

I'd recommend looking at the definition of a word before just stuffing it in after a sentence of dialogue. Also, I'd recommend looking more closely at your sentence structure in general. There a few places where you should have put periods for pauses instead of commas.

They both then looked at the wares as they saw that on display were three weapons that interested Trent, these being three Halo weapons, these being a pistol, shotgun and a rifle.

Sadly, since that comma is there of all places, you'd have to rearrange the next sentence. Here's an example with some added clean up to the rest of it.

They both then looked at the wares, seeing three weapons on display that interested Trent, these being three Halo weapons. One was a peculiar pistol, another was a shotgun, and the last was a rifle.

There aren't many occurrences in this chapter of poor sentence structure, which is a very good thing. I'd suggest taking more time when you write things, really think about what you're writing and if it really fits. If that's not enough, look more closely at stories others have made, like, say, Tatsurou. They have wonderful sentence structure, as well as much more, so try looking at some of their work and incorporating some of their techniques into your own.

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I know. I've talked to Brony about it a couple of times.

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Also expect more of it in the next few chapters. I couldn't catch them all before posting.

It starts off pretty solidly, but there are definitely noticeable grammar errors. We get a decent enough idea of what kind of people the main characters are, and learn a bit about the world of beings that can displace people! Overall, I'd recommend an editor, but story flow seems good so far.

Simple mechanics. That's how you know It'll be more resourceful.

10252591
Hmm?

Quick question are the two people who just vanished apart of a different story or was that just for show?

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As revealed in a later chapter, those two are Tito and Cece from my original/main story, Spider In Equestria

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Why you ask?