• Published 23rd Mar 2017
  • 1,402 Views, 65 Comments

The Incident - TheEvilCookie



Twilight has something to say

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28
 65
 1,402

The Incident

Rarity had been busy working around her workshop, organizing all of the materials that she would need to finish her latest dress for Sapphire Shores. Taking a moment to relax, Rarity jumped slightly as a knock came on the front door. Not expecting anyone that day, she went downstairs. She couldn’t help herself but smile as she saw a familiar unicorn through the window.

"Why hello darling. What brings you by?" Rarity took a step to the side, allowing Twilight to go inside. It hadn't taken long for the unicorn to take notice that Twilight looked more disheveled than normal.

"Twilight, dear? Is everything alright?" Rarity asked placing her hoof softly on Twilight's her heart beginning to race. She had never seen her friend like that before. Twilight had been pale, her mane and fur had been knotted, the mare's body trembled, and her eyes were slightly bloodshot.

"Come sit down. You look simply awful! What's wrong?" Rarity asked softly, leading Twilight over to the couch to sit down. Noticing the blank expression still on Twilight’s face, Rarity decided to give her a minute to gather her thoughts.

“I am going to go make some a pot of tea, and then I want you to tell me what’s on your mind. Understood?” Smiling as Twilight nodded her head, Rarity went into the kitchen and started heating up a tea kettle full of water. It hadn't taken long to brew the camomile tea. Bringing the pot back into the living room with two tea cups, Rarity poured a cup and passed it to Twilight.

“Thank you, Rarity. It smells really good.” Twilight blew on the boiling hot liquid, before taking a small sip. Licking her lips at the sweet taste.

“Alright darling, I’m all ears. You seemed to be upset about something, and I want to know what. You can’t honestly think you can come here looking like that, and not expect to talk about what is bothering you.” Rarity smirked as Twilight sighed, setting her cup down on top of the rose ceramic coaster that sat on the coffee table.

"I’m sorry Rarity, I’ve just been have a lot on my mind...about stuff. If it’s alright with you, I really don't want to get into it. I just thought that maybe a change of environment will clear my head.” Twilight giggled nervously, trying to hide the lie by looking down towards the ground. Rarity rolled her eyes at her friend, knowing how stubborn Twilight can be sometimes.

“Twilight, dear…” Rarity reached under Twilight’s chin, lifting her friends face up until their eyes met.

“Please, tell me what’s bothering you. I can’t stand to see you like this.”

Looking into Rarity’s eyes, something finally broke inside Twilight. The look of concern her friend had been giving her made her realize just what she had gotten herself into, by going to Carousel Boutique. Pulling back slightly, Twilight looked down at her front hooves fidgeting in her lap, her mind contemplating how to explain what was going on. About what she did.
Taking a deep breath, Twilight sat up straight and looked Rarity in her eyes.

"I’m sorry Rarity. I’m just...scared.I doubt you’ll understand though. I’m just... Rarity I'm scared.” Twilight’s voice quivered, as she did her best to keep her composure and not start crying again.

“I can't think straight. My mind is racing, my chest feels tight. I’m really dizzy, it’s getting hard to breath...everything...everything is starting to get dark…” Rarity rushed to Twilight's side, holding her for fear that her friend would topple over.

“It’s alright darling...just breath. I’m sure what ever happened, we can figure it out. Just breath. In...and out. In...and out.”

“I’m sorry Rarity. I know you won’t, but I’m...please don’t be mad at me. It was an accident." Rarity held Twilight as she patiently waited for Twilight to calm down some.

“Whatever could have rattled you this much? I haven’t seen you like this since you thought you were going to be tardy on your friendship letter. I promise that I won’t get mad, I just need you to tell me what’s going on.” Smiling, Rarity started to rub Twilight’s back.

Twilight took a deep breath, her body trembling. After attempting to talk a couple times, and failing, Twilight took a couple more breaths, finally managing to somewhat calm herself down.

"I...I hurt your sister by accident.” Twilight finally blurted out, tears starting to run down her face.

"She was running around outside with her friends near the market place after school, and I didn’t see her. We ran into each other, and she had fallen down. She had hurt her hoof, but I healed it with a simple spell." Twilight began to explain.

"Afterwards she had gotten up. Neither of us could figure out what happened. I profusely apologised, and she accepted my apology. I just feel awful. I'm so sorry Rarity!" Rarity pulled Twilight in for a hug as tears ran down Twilight’s face.

Rocking back and forth, Rarity cooed gentle words until Twilight calmed down. "It's alright Twilight. She’s a filly. She runs into things all the time, and it was just an accident. She accepted your apology, did she not?”

“She...she did.” Twilight whispered, attempting to catch her breath.

Rarity lifted Twilight’s head again so that Twilight could see her eyes.

“Twilight, darling. It’s obvious that Sweetie Belle isn’t mad at you, and neither am I. I trip over her all the time, because she doesn’t watch where she’s going. That’s what they do when they’re her age. I did it to my parents. I’m sure you did also. I'm glad you told me though.” Rarity smiled, before noticing the front door open.

Sweetie Belle walked into the room and immediately saw Twilight crying on the couch. Giggling a little, Sweetie Belle trotted up to Twilight, before jumping up and wrapped her forearms around Twilight’s neck, pulling her into a hug.

"Twilight, it wasn't even your fault. Stop beating yourself up. It was my fault due to not paying attention while I was racing Applebloom to Sweet Apple Acres. Now will you finally accept my apology?" Sweetie Belle asked, reaching up to wipe the tears from Twilight’s eyes.

"I should have been paying more attention. I’m sorry Sweetie Belle.” Taking a deep breath, Twilight looked between Rarity and Sweetie Belle, feeling relief that neither one of them were mad at her. “ Let’s make a truths and promise to pay more attention to where we’re going?” Twilight offered, booping Sweetie Bells muzzle.
Giggling, Sweetie Belle nodded her head.

“I promise Twilight, I will pay more attention to where I’m going. Sorry again.” Sweetie Belle gave Twilight another hug before jumping off her lap and back onto the floor.

“I promise Sweetie Belle that I will pay more attention to where I’m going also. I’m sorry again. That shouldn’t have happened. I’m happy that you two aren’t mad at me. I don’t know what came over me. Of course you guys wouldn’t be mad at me for an accident.” Twilight smiled, while using the back of her hoof to wipe away the last of her tears.

"Of course I’m not mad. Don't worry about it anymore okay? See ya!” Grabbing her saddlebag, Sweetie ran upstairs to her bedroom leaving Twilight alone with Rarity

“Alright Twilight, this is what we’re going to do now. The tea is cold, so let’s just go get something to eat and then get you in bed. I’m assuming you haven’t slept in a couple days?” Rarity smiled, taking Twilight’s hoof and leading her out the door.

“How did you know?” Twilight asked in shock.
Shaking her head, Rarity closed the door. “Just a guess, darling. Now let’s go get some of those hayburgers you love so much.” Rarity said

Comments ( 64 )

Good job. I'm actually starting to see some change.

8044454 Thanks! I had help from an editor who I'm going to credit

8044454

They don't even have their tenses right. Where is this change?

"I...I hurt your sister by accident.” Twilight finally blurted out, tears starting to run down her face. She was running around outside with her friends near the market place after school, and I didn’t see her. We ran into each other, and she had fallen down. She had hurt her hoof, but I healed it with a simple spell.

i.ytimg.com/vi/97ANNyfL2Vc/maxresdefault.jpg
That's it...?

Well I can see some progress being made. You have to start somewhere I guess.

8044500

I’m assuming you haven’t slept in a couple days?

Tired Twilight is random/best Twilight :twilightsmile:

You did wonders bygetting an editor.
It's actually a story...
Not enough for a thumbs up, but not a thumbs down.

8044487 because it's actually a good story to read. Something decently written.

Well, I said I'd return when I saw a new story of yours that had more likes than dislikes, and I have (as of this comment, users who come later, the like:dislike ratio is 7:5).

It's...pretty good for what I've seen from you. I don't necessarily like it, but I'm not going to downvote it because I don't dislike it either.

It's mainly the grammar and spelling that's still an issue (although that's still better), and the fact that this isn't really my favorite kind of story. The story is kind of boring, but it looks like the characters are mostly in character. Pretty good job.

You've come a long way... I'm proud of you!

Amazing! Nicely done on your first story in a while to get more likes than dislikes!

8044528 I'm glad you liked it :) Some of the credit also goes to Calming Moon who helped me wi it :)

8044554 Thank you! Calming Moon helped me

8044552 Good. I recommend trying new things in your stories.

I've been a bit contentious towards you for recent events, but I'll admit that this story shows improvement. I still don't feel like there was a whole lot going on, but it still came off as more of a story than some of the other ones I've seen you write. Keep it up.

Not gonna lie, I was actually waiting for your next story just to see if you'd follow though. Well... I wasn't completely disappointed and considering it was from a good friend of mine(or at least, I assume she's my friend), I could safely say it's a start. The mistakes are still present sure but it's a pretty decent story. Overall-I hope to see improvement

8044550
Kind of lackluster for a reason, but this wasn't total shit... becomes suspicious

8044609 Thanks. I'm glad you thought it was decent i will try to improve here on out

8044611 I'm glad you liked it

8044567 Sweet. I might have some time to help edit in a week or two. :twilightsmile:

This is a step in the right direction. Keep at it we'll make a writer out of you yet.

Commas! Glorious Commas! :yay:

After 155 stories, you finally did it. You kept your promise and actually improved… albeit with the help of an editor, but even that's a good thing, because it means you recognized your shortcomings and asked for help. Even the best authors will do that.

There's still some typos of the kind spell-check will miss, but this is legitimately a step in the right direction. I'm genuinely looking forward to more.

I'll never understand your motivations, but you earned an upvote from me this time.

EDIT: Also, like others have said, this story actually feels like a real story, more so than many of your previous attempts. There's a decent narrative flow, minimal repetition, characters are in character, and I can actually care about what's going on. It's a simple story, but that's fine.

Well, this is new :rainbowderp:. Also, a little tip if you didn't know: You can hyper a link a name by first typing it out, highlighting the whole name then at the top, it should say "Add Link" (it the icon with the chain). That should make the link more cleaner. Example The Story Writer

By the way, this is a improvement, look forward to see this getting better :twilightsmile: Just remember, make sure to keep things slow, no new story ever single day.

What's this? An actual The Story Writer story that... isn't fucking awful?

Sure, it's a bit unpolished, a bit rushed, and the premise is somewhat lackluster... but the story is there.

Is this a sign of change? Are things improving?

8044487 Bro, if you don't see a lot of improvement in this, kindly fuck off.

8044972 Thank you I'm glad you liked it

8045005 I actually forgot to do a link XD

I liked it a lot more than your others. Woot! :yay:

Wow... That's something I guess. ... I'm conflicted.

I mean, the spelling is better, commas are there, dialog doesn't feel forced and flows rather naturally, characters are in character for the most part...
Yet there are still things that just throw me off. Like the opening, it's exactly the same formula. Twilight's behaviour is kinda weird (seriously, not sleeping for a couple of days because of that accident?).
And things like this

I’ve just been have a lot on my mind

I don't really like it, but it sure doesn't deserve a dislike, because it is decent. Overall it shows a little improvement, so that's good.

8045396 Thank you I got help and I did good with a bit help :twilightsmile:

8044487 For once, I have to disagree. Yes the problems still exist but, there is improvement. Albeit, small but still notable. Heck, I'm guilty of tense problems but the pros(in a sense) outweigh the cons here. Of course, maybe that's just me... anyways, I for one hope to see more of an improvement. He sure gets more help then me so he'll definitely do better as long as he follows though his word. Also, you can forget about the review I asked about since that story is delayed for quiet a while. (Although, I don't think it would've mattered in the grand scheme of things...). Anyways, I bid you good day.

I'm impressed. This is a step in the right direction. This has earned an upvote and a like from me.

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