• Member Since 5th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 30th, 2012

epicdonus1123 BOT


I love donuts and ponies, therefore i am a dony.

E

Rainbow Dash sees a lonely filly in the street. It is an orange pegasus pony with a curling purple mane. The 14 year old mare decides to adopt what looks like a 9 year girl. This orange pegasus has an injured wing and is living what seemed like a cardboard box. Rainbow brings the little filly to grow as cool as herself. This story is about the relationship of Rainbow and Scootaloo as sisters and how they came to be sisters. In chapter five, there is an extra two thousand words because I wanted to introduce the new story I want to write about. I decided to use a published story to preview an upcoming story. This story was to preview the new story. This story and the other story aren't going to be related. Voleur was the criminal, but for the original story's sake, he was arrested and put in jail. The new story is going to be about Voleur and Twilight, while this will still focus on Rainbow and Scootaloo.

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 142 )

It is a really good story but feels a little rushed. Just slow down and try to be more descriptive :twilightsheepish:

Great story... Only thing is this has great potential to be more than a one chapter story

Short and sweet, good job. :heart:

Beautiful, but too short. It has great potential like Spiffy Mcsquee said. :rainbowkiss::scootangel:

I didn't think Scootaloo was nine. I thought she was something like, 6! Because most 9-year-olds in real life are not that young. But excellent story! Bravo!

The picture has my approval for cuteness.

This was intended to be my shortest story. I am shocked...that people really like it:derpyderp2:. If people really want me to, I'll change it and make it a chaptered book. How does that sound?:twilightsmile:

I liked the idea but I think it was a little too... Short. I think it could have been more detailed when they met and a little more detailed when they were together, it needs more details, but it was good.

I... I think i like this! Nice story!

when they met it was rushed but i still liked it. By the way PBOX?!?! Why would that be changed does XBOX's X stand for something of a animal or human? :facehoof:

873840 no just an inside joke, X doesn't stand for anything that i am awhere of

Best story ever!:scootangel::rainbowlaugh::heart::heart:

It was a very good premise, and I like this concept. But there are a few problems, namely that some of the characters seem a bit out of character. Pinkie may only say a bit but she will say as much as she can as randomly as she can. And some overall grammar and spelling errors.
This is not to say that i still enjoyed your story. :eeyup:

873929 i completely understand... i love criticism... helps me with my writing.

I would love to fix anything i see, it helps me as well. But believe me, getting destroyed with criticism isnt fun

so seven years after they met scootaloo looks at a four year old photo of when they first met?:unsuresweetie: What sorcary is this?:twilightoops:

873968 that was the best mistake ever.:rainbowlaugh: you brightened up my day with that.:pinkiehappy:

Oh yeah theis story reaks of potential! slow it down man!

Not bad, but I feel like I should correct something..

(randomly selected piece)
-Rainbow was surprised that Scootaloo was suddenly interested in TV all of the sudden. Scootaloo, awkwardly, put her head on Rainbow's chest and fell asleep. Rainbow looked at Scootaloo in amazement, that she decided to open up. When Scootaloo, woke up, a few hours later, she notices that she is still on Rainbow's chest.-

(corrected/edited for an example)
-Rainbow was surprised that Scootaloo was suddenly interested in TV. Some time passed and Scootaloo was becoming tired. She proceeded to awkwardly put her head on Rainbow's chest.Within a few minutes, Scootaloo was fast asleep. Rainbow looked at Scootaloo in amazement. She was really beginning to open up. When Scootaloo woke up a few hours later, she noticed that she was still on Rainbow's chest.-

The story is nice, but the grammar is a bit messy.. Just keep practicing and you'll be good to go!:pinkiehappy:

.. And if anyone notices any mistakes in my correction,:facehoof: then feel free to correct me!

While I feel like this story is moving rather fast and jumping from place to place, the plot and idea behind it make up for it. It promotes good feelings all the way through the reading. Good job, to say the least.:raritywink:

Once upon a time, Celestia and epicdonus were in a race. epicdonus won by a long shot., but while the race was still going on, Celestia shouted 'SLOW THE BUCK DOWN,' all slow motion like. The moral of this story is.... slow down if you are going to write more. :scootangel:

875458 sorry. I am naturally quick.:rainbowkiss: It's just that i am not used to writing so slow.:applecry:. I am trying as hard as i can to make it slow, but as the first fan fic i ever wrote, it is kinda hard. There'll be more detail and, hopefully, less speed in the third chapter :pinkiesmile:.

874686 thanks for the correction, I'll put that in the story instead. Credit to you, my fellow brony.:pinkiehappy: That showed me how much detail needs to be added to a single part of the story.:scootangel:

I think 'blunt' is the best word to describe this, you need to learn how to tell a story and also how to not make the characters sound like lobotomized robots; sorry, but this feels like it was written in some other language then run trough a translator program... ok I'm being pretty harsh but really the story is very emotionless and generally lacks reason, motivation, and everything is just off.

I don't mean to sound too critical because I know what you're doing wrong can really only be fixed by experience, so keep writing and reading and you'll eventually get the hang of it; but for now I'm giving this a dislike.

2 questions.
1. Does Hooves of War = Gears of War?
2. Should I urinate In the PBOX?

Great story.:scootangel:

880295 yes Hooves of War is Gears of War and no, don't pee on the Pony Xbox.:rainbowlaugh:

First comment on chapter 3. It is like being the tallest midget.:twilightsheepish:

880406 that just made you my new best friend:rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy:

This brony is all about the GEARS!!!:flutterrage:

880456 are you joking or are you for real yelling at me:rainbowhuh:

"Yeah, if I were to lose my little apple, I wouldn't be happy evar again," agreed Applejack.Rainbow and Scootaloo weren't into all that sappy stuff, so they hugged and hoof-bumped.

You might need to go through the story again and fix all the missing spaces after full stops, I counted 3 or 4

Also, evar!!

880528 i did evar on purpose and i'll fix that other one

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