• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
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The Phantom Joker


You'll Never See Me Comin'!

T

Main Theme: Bring It by Trapt

Baltimare. One of the top five most dangerous cities in Equestria. Some ponies could hardly walk home without getting themselves mugged, robbed, or attacked in some other way. Only a handful of cops and prison guards, including Detective Twilight Sparkle and her boyfriend and partner, Spike, aren't in the pocket of some crime lord or another, a number that seems to be shrinking by the month. All in all, the city was rotting.

Then, out of nowhere, criminals start dropping dead, gaping holes in their chest, the cause either being some kind of electrical surge as though from a lightning bolt or a high-velocity impact. Some victims even had their hearts crushed like paper. Followed by common crooks were dirty cops and prison guards, then entire crime families. All anyone could make of the suspect was either "dark specter" or "black demonic creature from Tartarus." Neither of these were even remotely close to the truth.

In another time, another world, James Jackson was an ordinary man with a strong sense of justice, and was particularly fond of the methods used by the comic book vigilante known as the Red Hood. Never did he think that he'd get a chance to use those tactics, but when James meets his unfortunate end after his car hits a patch of black ice and crashes into an electrical pole, he is given that chance by the Speed Force itself, and is reborn as the infamous Hunter Zolomon.

Let the criminals of Baltimare beware: Zoom is coming...

Contains Lightning Dust X Zoom, Vinyl Scratch X Octavia, and Twilight X Spike.

Co-written with Hopelight

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 71 )

8035578
'sup? Thanks for that review on Transcendence: Rebellion. You should check out my story Fall, it's a Bipper story written almost a full year before Sock Opera. In other words, I wrote Bipper before it was cool. #hipster.

8035599
Nice Black Mask vid. Gonna be the Black Masked Sinestro Joker now?

8035618
Technically that's the Joker beating the crap out of Black Mask. So, yeah.

8035617
Her, you simple minded Neanderthal. I criticize him because he has earned this response, what with his number of stories and the fact none of them are completed, cancelled, or on hiatus. I also use memes because it seems as though he doesn't understand other methods.

8035642
you don't remember me do you? this isn't the first time we've talked

8035646
The situation hereforth stopped allowance of nice sweet words of honey and syrup a long time ago, Displacer. I shall use the language proved effective.

8035648
Considering I have a lot going on in general, no I don't. Why? Who are you?

8035654
Yeah, well, your effective language gets me angry and forces me to do things that I'll regret later. So, play nice, or don't play at all.

8035654
I used to go by the name of andrewlou4 for we talked quite a few times really almost half the stores that have read you've read as well the first time that we talked it was during a story made by one shadowflame

Comment posted by Trithtale deleted Mar 19th, 2017

8035663
Those things you'll regret later being that Diplight secret weapon story that is sure to get you hated?

8035663
Your choices are your own, mine are mine, and you hold no superiority to me in any way. A threat made with no substance nor danger behind it cannot be considered a threat.

8035665
Then you should recognize a mistake when it's made, should you not? Either way, I do not remember you. I believe you mean Shadowflame, the author of Equestria Legends Online, but I could be wrong. I have been blocked, so I can reply no further.

8035668 8035666
Stop feeding his need for attention, you two.

8035672

It's not a need for attention. It's a need to prove myself.

8035684
That's attention, sweetheart.
Something I'm not going to give you from here on out.

In another time, another world, James Jackson was an ordinary man with a strong sense of justice, and was particularly fond of the methods used by the comic book vigilante known as the Red Hood

There's a difference between proper fourth-wall breaking and being cringey.

Meta references will earn you a disapproving frown from any self-respecting author.

Alright, time to be critical here.

Two women, one stumbling slightly, the other walking with a certain degree of grace as they walked down the streets of Baltimare from a local bar.
“Vinyl, you know that much alcohol in someone’s system can kill, yes?” The more graceful of the two spoke up, a light accent permeating her speech. She brushed a few stray brunette bangs from her grey forehead. The black dress clung to her like a second skin.

I've read some noir books, so I understand that the first introductory sentence of most of those is usually a fragment. But it's usually followed by other fragments. It's also usually short and sweet, with a bit of artistic flair.

This isn't one of those instances. It's just a distracting fragment, highlighted by the very complete sentence below it.

Additionally, you should know by now that you do not capitalize after dialogue unless the dialogue is followed by action. Since this isn't that case, "The more graceful" should read "the more graceful".

infemininity

That's not a word.

“I think a big part of that is ‘living’.”

Period should go inside of all three of those quotation marks.

“Hey, Tavi, you knou thish guy followinh ussh?”

“Vinyl, don’t panic, but I think we’re being followed.”

Incorrect punctuation in the second dialogue aside, you just went against your own word.

Vinyl snickered, the pegasus put a hand to his temple, “Garble, what have we told you about facade?”
Garble coughed and made an exaggerated scowl, “I get you, Thunderlane.”
The pegasus made a noise of disbelief, “And what did I say about anonym-Fine, whatever, I’ll deal with you later.”
“Ladies,” Thunderlane forced a smile, “it’s like they said. I’m not unreasonable, I’m not violent. I’m just in a bad place in life.”

Run-on sentence in the first part.
Confusing dialogue in the second.
Comma should be a period in the third. "Fine" should be lowercased.
If you're going to continue in a separate paragraph the words of someone who is still speaking, do not close the previous dialogue with quotation marks.

”Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear you,” the creature said, his voice dark and menacing. ”I’m afraid I can’t allow you to harm these ladies. In fact, I’m gonna see to it that you never harm anyone ever again.”
Thunderlane chuckled, a slight shakiness to his voice, “Who and what the hell are you?”
”I have many names, like The Black Flash, for instance. But, my personal favorite, and the one I go by, is Zoom.”

Subtlety, obviously, is not your forte. No one goes around calling themselves or referring to themselves as such. There would be more impact if no name was given.
Additionally, the fuck? Zoom and The Black Flash are two completely different characters in mainstream DC. What continuity are you going off of?

”Good thinking, toots! Get out of here, I’ve got-OOF!” said Zoom, before a thug hit him in the back of the head with a wooden baseball bat. The demonic being fell to his knees, coughing, “Y-you know, don’t hit the prisoner in the head. Gets them all dizzy, can’t feel anything else…”

Change in tone, check.
Stolen line from a great movie, check.
References only work when they aren't shoved in so obviously.

“You’re one to talk, trying to mug people on the streets like you do,” said Zoom, sounding almost disappointed as he slowly approached. ” And those so-called cops who are supposed to uphold the law are no better. I’ve been in town long enough to know how they opperate. To them, the oath they swore to uphold the law is nothing more than a joke, all they care about is money and protection, rather than the greater good. This city doesn’t need scum like you or the cops.”

Stop.
This is not how to deliver a monologue. This is spoken exposition. Coming from a character such as Twilight, it would make sense that such things would be mentioned. Coming for a character such as Zoom? Not so much.

”Swear to me!” snarled Zoom. You see, unlike you, I stand for something. I believe in something. I believe that this city needs someone who’s willing to take a life in order to ensure true peace and justice. That this city needs a true hero, one who can’t be bought, bullied, or negotiated with.”

References, again, and monologue issues, again. Come on, man. Have you ever read a monologue before? Speech-making in the middle of an intense conflict? Maybe if that intense conflict was a final conflict, but this is the opening act.

Faster than a blink of an eye, Zoom moved in behind Thunderlane , phased his hand into the pegasus’ chest and crushed his heart, causing the pegasus to scream before he fell to the ground, dead.

Hey, guess what? The moment the heart fails, you can't do anything. Ergo, Thunderlane shouldn't be able to scream.

That's enough.

I don't know what else to tell you. One good thing I can find thus far is that you don't shove backstory on us. Unfortunately, that's rendered obsolete because you shove that backstory in the story's description.

You're making the same errors you've been making for a while, now. Characters that don't sound natural and potential OP-ness to boot.

But don't take it just from me. People such as 8035591 know what they're talking about. I mean, she's pretty much the Displaced leader, if my understanding of the situation is correct.

Heck, I've been on your case pleading with you to focus on one story at a time. There's no point if doing so much and getting discouraged so easily on.

The first chapter of any story is always the roughest to write. Afterwards, there are only two ways to go: stagnation, or improvement. In my experience, the latter is the most common case. But that only happens when you actually continue writing. Writing one new story with one new first chapter only repeats this rough process over and over again.

We are not meant to give you encouragement; we are meant to push you to strive to do better. We are not your fans until you show a level of dedication to your stories that is at least equal to our dedication to continually point out what needs to be done.

8035785

Well, I appreciate your critque. Also, to answer your questions about continuity, I'm following this continuity.

You see here, Zoom started out a normal-looking serial killer speedster. Then this happened to him:

After that, Zoom BECAME the Black Flash, an enforcer for the Speed Force, as evidenced here:

and here:

8035840 Ah, okay. Thanks for clearing the continuity part up; I've not watched the CW shows, so that would put me in error.

I do apologize if I come across harsh, but when I'm critical of something, that tends to be the tone I take.

Another story that's good but we won't see another chapter of it because that's just how he is this dude doesn't finish anything

You know, I've been a fan of Speedsters for a while; glad to see you write this!:twilightsmile:

When I saw the title of this, I knew it was gonna be good.

I also had the thought "You may be able to stop the darkness, but you can't stop the stupid" pop into my head.

8035693 It's an argument, not a fight. Do you see fists flying? No? Then its a verbal spar. Although I do agree with what you mean.

Seriously?
When in the world are you going to update anything else? By now, posting others is redundant and makes you look like an idiot.

Comment posted by Ms QIB deleted May 18th, 2017

looking froward to more in the future keep it up. :pinkiesmile:

Looks nice, but you have a habit of not finishing what you start...

Or getting far beyond the start period.

I'll give this a pass, I try to keep my tracking list free of deadfics.

Comment posted by Ms QIB deleted May 11th, 2017

”Good thinking, toots! Get out of here, I’ve got-OOF!” said Zoom, before a thug hit him in the back of the head with a wooden baseball bat. The demonic being fell to his knees, coughing, “Y-you know, don’t hit the prisoner in the head. Gets them all dizzy, can’t feel anything else…”

the BAT BASHED his head XD

Faster than a blink of an eye, Zoom moved in behind Thunderlane , phased his hand into the pegasus’ chest and crushed his heart, causing the pegasus to scream before he fell to the ground, dead.

I would have done worse, like take the knife and V out of his hands, goes up behind him facing the same direction, grabbing his heart out of his rib cage and making him watch as I crush it with his own blood splattering all over his face before the end of his few seconds of fleeting life. Too brutal, or not brutal enough?

The title of this chapter... seems like a pretty good summary of Mr. Hunter. Keep up the good work, man! :rainbowdetermined2:

Sounds like Eobard Thawne has checked in; any time now, and we'll start seeing competition among Speedsters...

Wait, I thought that the Reverse-Flash had a red and yellow costume.

8064478
This is a story about Zoom from the CW show. Not Professor Zoom.

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