){kind=link}
In the dead of night, Sunset wakes to the sound of her phone going off. Someone has left her a voicemail... What do they want?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 17th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
darkstone57
It took me 10 years to find answers to something… I forgot about it in 2 seconds. That’s about it
darkstone57
Joined 17th Nov, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Technovore · 3k words · 13 5 · 1.4k views
Featured In11
Dark8,310 stories ·3,761 members
UK Bronies1,718 stories ·705 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,201 stories ·5,456 members
Equestria Girls Fics12,107 stories ·3,765 members
~The Decent Writers Club~9,277 stories ·1,674 members
UK of Equestria465 stories ·75 members
Stories With Audio Readings749 stories ·297 members
Revenge Fics!8 stories ·25 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.069 seconds
Total duration
673 users online
867,313 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I love it and I'd like this to expand into a full fledged chapter. Maybe three or four extra chapters.
8028630 Hmm, I'll think about it. But, I'm curious, who do you think it could be?
Made my skin crawl. So good in that sense. But so don't want Sunset to get hurt either, so...par?
Dam, just wow, that atmosphere and then the classic "I'm coming for you" speech really gave me that "why don't you just worry about it" feeling
8028666 Apologies. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. What do you mean by; "Why don't you just worry about it" 'feeling'?
I see what you were going for, kinda, but it just didn't work for me. For one, there was no pay-off. Nothing happened. A dude talked and gave this melodramatic, generic speech to Sunset and then... nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. I think it would have benefited by drawing out the messages and slowly wearing her down, building tension. Flesh it out by having multiple scenes of Sunset being stalked on with creepier and more garbled messages by the day. At the very least though something should have had happened to Sunset near the end.
Second, Sunset didn't do anything in this fic. She's the protagonist; Sunset has to be the one to drive the story forward. But all we have is a stunted scene where Sunset listens to a dude talk with minimal interaction on her part. Sunset could have started having an internal monologue , trying to figure out who this person was or what she did, or she could have tried calling them back and calling them out. If not that Sunset might have had dismissed it as a shitty prank caller, she's a pretty tough girl. I don't think she'd piss herself over something like this until it became serious, like my first suggestion.
All in all, it's not a bad idea but the execution could have been a little bit better.
Well, since you asked so nicely:
To be honest... It doesn't feel like a mystery to me. I assume the mystery itself is in reference to the identity of the figure? The only really useful things we get about that are that they knew Sunset in high school and that Sunset did something to them in high school. So I would guess either Flash Sentry or one of the Dazzlings, probably Adagio. But, unless I'm missing something completely, those are the only clues, and really that could refer to almost anyone. The only reason I've narrowed it down to those two is because they're important, so to speak. So, it doesn't really give enough leads to solve what little mystery there is (again, unless I've missed something obvious, but I've read it over about five times now).
Honestly, I'd say this lends itself better to being a horror with mystery elements than the other way 'round. But that's still a problem, for the reasons 8028772 has already pointed out. Nothing really happened. You've got build up, but no release, no climax, and to be brutally honest, in its current iteration not much of a story. It could do with a lot of fleshing out.
Also, mate, you used a lot of ellipses. 36, to be exact. You probably didn't need more than a quarter of those, at most. Just saying.
8028867
8028772
Fair enough. I appreciate you two answering me honestly and giving me contrusctive criticism to work with. It's not something that I get in most of my stories which is something I want so I can understand how to improve for the better. I know I'm not the best writer so, again, thank you for taking your time to tell me this.
Hopefully, next time I write a mystery story, it will live up to your expectations.
Thanks again, take care.
8028772 That first half of your rant is unoriginal and uninspired. Having nothing happen, while it wasn't the conclusion you were expecting, it still was a conclusion you weren't expecting. I say that having nothing happen yet during the conclusion was a brilliant idea, cause it didn't follow one of the old creepypasta tropes we've seen time from time again.
8028686
What I meant is that when a really dark character threatens someone he say something like "maybe I'll attack today, maybe tomorrow, maybe run a year, and maybe I won't attack, until then why don't you just worry about it."
8029136 i loved this it gave me goosebumps
Creepy. Intense. GOOD job !
8029307 Ah, Alright. Thank you for the praise.
This is creepy. Will there be a sequel?
8029399 I might do. No promises
8028662
8029273
8029307
8029350
8029385
8029399
So, who do you think it was?
8029444 Awesome. If you do, then I will read it. Unless it has too much detailed gore.
8029452 I'm trying to go with the whole; "Less is more." Leaving things to the imagination.
8029473 Yeah, that seems good.
8029444
8029273 As a guy who doesn't read much creepy pastas, can you elaborate on what cliched trope your talking about, please?
8029724 The cliched trope of having a legitimate something stalk the victim after ecievint some wierd, creepy message. I've seen it so much that my eyes bleed. Yours though takes the extra step (or a step back) and not follow that trend.
8029444
I'll not Answer ! Nope ! Nope ! Nope !
It was ME !
Before I read this, what is the Dark for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8042619 Stalking, that's it.
This is a great mystery dark one-shot. You told me the rest of your stories are meh. But what I see is a clear showcasing of someone who knows what he's doing.
Oh my gosh. This gave me serious shakes.
Normally I don't go for such dark stories, but this was written really well, and I.... really like it.
Nevertheless, I shall sleep with my phone in the other room, blinds drawn tight, and doors locked with double latches... for the rest of my life.
Nice work on this one.
To be honest this seems less of a story and more a suspense study. That’s fine, but it just doesn’t leave much of an impression of any kind.
8028635
Honestly.... I think it'd be either AJ or Twilight the most likely.... either them or Flash Sentry.