(Story based on a concept teased by Lauren Faust, written as an early birthday present for Madeline Peters and Ashliegh Ball. Proofread by Smity1038 on Deviant Art and proofread and edited by deadpansnarker on FiMFiction.)
Scootaloo is called home one day after school lets out because her parents have something important they need to tell her, they're going out to dinner to celebrate their anniversary.
Of course, that means Scootaloo will need a foalsitter for the evening, and her parents already have the perfect pony in mind for the job. But Scootaloo doesn't think she needs a foalsitter anymore and can take care of herself. When her parents insist otherwise, Scootaloo decides there's only one thing to do, run away from home before the foalsitter shows up!
Unfortunately, Scootaloo will quickly discover that it's not an easy task to hide from her parents OR her big sister, not in a town where all of Scootaloo's best hiding places are well known. Will Scootaloo figure out a way to outsmart the grown-ups?
Hmm... you might want to work on the formatting.
Oh, and you still use too many exclamation marks, but that's just my wholly professional opinion.
8044511 I really wish I knew how to do that.
8044511 I agree with Deadpan. The formatting is really whacked out here, and kept me from enjoying this properly.
8044527 Well, do you have any tips on how to do that? I've tried importing google docs before, it hasn't worked.
8044530 I would do what I always do, write the thing down in parts in the actual place where you write the story and take breaks now and then and when you're good and ready, add some more. Also, I'd try Microsoft Word instead of GDocs.
8044530 Why don't just edit it so there's not so much space before each starting sentence?
This definitely feels like it could be an episode of the show.
8044535 How do I do that?
8044542 Thank you, that's always my intent with fics like this.
8044547 Click on your fic, and press the 'edit' button in the top left hand corner. I do it whenever I spot a mistake I've made, after publication.
8044577 Well when I do that, it doesn't seem to account for the weird spacing when it's not in edit mode.
8044587 Have you clicked on 'Save' afterwards?
8044591 Yes.
Formatting aside, this was an alright story. The middle part felt a bit repetitive, and I can't say there were any super-funny moments. Even so, it was an enjoyable slice of life fic.
Hm I liked it. And I might actually use this Quick Shot in a chapter for my upcoming story, let's just say he comes home earlier than what Scootaloo and her mother expected.
Also you should do a bonus or a sequel on Scootaloo's birthday.
Ok, you posted this in the self-promotion thread and I'm commenting on it, coz I'm nice and stuff.
It was entertaining, but not deep. It's like one of those cartoons for kids where from the basic premise you know how it's going to end. Still, it's just one chapter and short, so it works. Not everything has to be War and Peace.
Some of the decisions of Scootaloo didn't make much sense, like running away from her foalsitter and coming back before her parents came back, but then she runs away right when her parents are calling for her to meet the foalsitter, ruining her whole plan from the start. However, I can understand that since Scootaloo is a child and thus not the best decision maker. However, her mother is an adult and she acts surprised that Scootaloo would run away specially when she got Rainbow Dash to foalsit her, yet she never told her that in the first place. Also, how do you leave hooveprints in your room only near the window? If you had mud or something, it would be in all the room, not just near the window.
Also, fix the indents. They're too big, beginning almost at the middle of the page.
Anyways, that is just my feedback to help you improve your writing (not that I'm an expert or anything). It's a nice story and I liked it.
I can't seem to be able to like the story. Did you block likes/dislikes?
8044940 You probably liked it before the 10th like/dislike showed up. Before that point, only the author can see how many people have liked or disliked the story.
Brillant story! Pretty impressive that scootaloo could run and hide for so long
Really good im glad too see how this story turned out.
This description says too much for what's inside the story, effectively spoiling what little it sums up to. I for one can relate to Scootaloo's feels for showing her parents that one can take care of themselves but even so I think you could have easily made a more to the point description than a story summarized.
Can't win'em all I suppose. Nice concept though, but just not much else past what the description told me other than Scootaloo finally learning for herself who her babysitter was going to be. Have a like though if only cause I found Scoots cute in this anyhow. As stubborn a filly as I was in my junior. xD
i123.photobucket.com/albums/o316/Willis_Brown_Jr/IMG_0030_zpsn2q4zugt.jpg
Ex0ected that it would be Rainbow at the start. Entertaining nonetheless of Scoots antics