Pyrrhic Victimry
Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: Yes, I think I would like to have a lie down and talk to the nice doctor.
Queen Chrysalis, absolute monarch of the Changelings and First Guardian of the Hive, was not having a good week. Or month, for that matter. In fact, the past year had pretty much just been one disaster after another.
She sat on her throne sighing at the unfairness of it all. It had seemed so simple in the beginning. Capture Cadence, drain her love, impersonate her, conquer Canterlot, subjugate Equestria using its citizens as livestock, and from that base conquer the world in an unending swarm. When had things gotten so complicated?
The source of those complications was waiting just beyond the range of the magic-draining effect of her Carapace Throne. Over the past few days, a massive army of ponies had gathered there, lead by the three damned alicorns that insisted on plaguing her. And a fourth that had slept through her invasion.
Having reminded herself of the bothersome presence of those interlopers, Queen Chrysalis felt compelled to get up and vent her feelings on the matter properly.
“GET OFF MY LAWN!” she roared, using an amplification spell to its fullest effect.
There was some milling about in the ranks of the distant ponies but eventually four taller-than-average and less-pretty-than-the-Queen mares marched forth.
Queen Chrysalis prepared herself for their no doubt witty rejoinder, already calculating where the argument might go next and what her most cutting reply might be.
“NO!”
A moment of silence passed while Chrysalis reconfigured her mental gears. “THEN COME FIGHT ME ALREADY!”
There was some heated discussion among the alicorns before Twilight Sparkle stepped forth once more, ready to proclaim their combined decision. “ALSO NO!”
Queen Chrysalis took in a deep breath and counted to ten just like her therapist-drone suggested. It did not make her any less angry, and she made a mental note to have him executed later. Before she could shout anything back, Celestia stepped forward.
“SURRENDER NOW, CHRYSALIS. WE WILL TREAT YOU AND YOUR CHANGELINGS FAIRLY. THIS CONSTANT CONFLICT BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES MUST END.”
A smaller, pinker alicorn also stepped forward. “PLEASE SAY NO. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO TAKING THAT TINY CROWN OF YOURS AND SHOVING IT–”
“CADENCE!”
“WHAT? THE BITCH KIDNAPPED ME, SLEPT WITH MY HUSBAND AND RUINED MY WEDDING. I’M THE PRINCESS OF LOVE, NOT FORGIVENESS.”
“WE ARE HERE TO REFORM THE CHANGELINGS,” Celestia declared, glaring at her niece or daughter or whatever. Chrysalis didn’t really know or care how they were related. “NOT TO HARM–”
“BUT TIA,” whined Luna the Sleepy. “THOU PROMISED US BATTLE.” She turned from her sister (or cousin, or something? Again, who cared?) and towards Chrysalis. “NOT THAT WE HAVE ANY GRUDGE AGAINST THEE, BUT TIA HATH SAID THAT BLOODSHED IS RARE ANYMORE AND I APPRECIATED A CHANCE TO RETURN TO THE FIELD. I HOPE YOU DO NOT DIE THIS DAY, BECAUSE I RATHER LIKED YOUR PLAN TO RE-INTRODUCE BROTHELS TO EQUESTRIA.”
“LUNA!”
“WHAT? DON’T GIVE US THAT LOOK, TIA. IT’S NOT AS IF YOU NEVER SOWED YOUR WILD OATS. WHY, I REMEMBER ONCE ON A BET WHEN YOU TOOK SEVEN–”
“LUNA! NOPONY WANTS TO HEAR THAT!”
Chrysalis saw Twilight Sparkle mouth the words ‘I wouldn’t mind’ and saw the nods of many guard ponies in her vicinity.
“SO ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT OR NOT?” Chrysalis bellowed. She had plenty of other things she could be doing if they were going to just stand around bickering.
Celestia composed herself and hushed her fellow Princesses with a glare. “THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SURRENDER AND COOPERATE PEACEFULLY, CHRYSALIS. OTHERWISE WE MUST CAPTURE ALL OF YOU BY FORCE.”
“... AND IF I SAY ‘NAH’?”
Celestia glared at her with a disappointment that Chrysalis could feel despite more than a mile’s distance. “THEN WE WILL ATTACK FORTHWITH!”
“THANKS FOR THE WARNING! BE SURE TO WEAR YOUR CROWN TO THE BATTLE; I LOOK FORWARD TO COLLECTING IT FROM YOUR CORPSE!” Queen Chrysalis left her balcony feeling far more lighthearted than when she had stepped out there. Let them attack, her castle was impenetrable.
The bleak stone of the Badlands made a stealthy approach impossible for an army and left her enemies exposed to the beam spells of her soldiers. Even if some creature was foolish enough to try such a thing, the Carapace Throne absorbed all magic except that of the changelings. Griffins and pegasi would fall from the sky, earth ponies and minotaurs would lose their strength and stamina, unicorns and zebra alchemists would find their spells and potions useless garbage. Not even Alicorns were exempt from its effects, if the legends were to be believed. And if against all odds some creature survived the killing ground outside, the shifting confines of the castle were nearly impossible to navigate and would soon reduce an organized army to meaningless chaos, easily cut down by her soldiers.
“Worker,” she said to a nearby changeling. “Tell the soldiers to prepare for a full assault from the ponies sometime today. And fetch me some fresh love. All this leading has given me quite a hunger.” The worker scurried off to do her bidding as the Queen of all changelings settled comfortably onto her throne.
Yes, Queen Chrysalis thought self-satisfiedly. Let Celestia and her ponies gnash their teeth outside. We have enough ponies cocooned in the basement to last through years of siege, and they have no hope of taking the castle through force. A customarily smug smirk flickered across her face as the worker soon brought her a snifter full of freshly extracted love. Chrysalis held it under her muzzle, sampling its delectable aroma.
“Mmm… a Baltimare stallion, aged but not old. Taken in his prime and cocooned for years.” She inhaled some of the gaseous vapor. “A 996 vintage, I believe.”
“Correct as always, your Majesty,” a worker said with a bow, hastening to push a cocoon holding a small filly out of view.
For the first time in a long time, Chrysalis relaxed and simply felt at peace with the world.
The world, however, would have none of that.
“HEAVY PROJECTILES INBOUND! PLEASE EXIT THE CASTLE FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!” Twilight Sparkle proclaimed, her voice piercing the air like a shrill siren.
Queen Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “What do they take us for? That’s one of the oldest, dumbest tricks in the–”
The castle suddenly rocked with an impact that threw Queen Chrysalis to the floor. She snarled at the interruption to her second lunch, but before she could do any more, a second, a third, and then a fourth impact slammed into the castle. Each one was accompanied by the sounds of rending and smashing of castle walls.
Queen Chrysalis rose to her hooves and rushed to the balcony overlooking the rest of her castle. Most of the gray-green architecture stood tall and pround, a monument to the industriousness of the Hive. But two of the smaller spires had been snapped clean off and there were shattered walls on the main building where it had been hit with glancing blows. The culprits were four massive boulders that looked like they had come straight from the heart of a mountain. As a changeling landed on the rock, Chrysalis got a much better idea of its size. It had to weigh dozens – maybe even hundreds – of tons!
A flash of light in the distance caught her attention, and she focused on the four Princesses, hefting another massive boulder in their combined magic fields. With a blaze of power well beyond anything Chrysalis had ever performed herself, the rock was launched skyward.
Changeling Queens had never needed to study higher math, and Chrysalis would not recognize a parabola if it dropped a rock on her head, but she had no problem deducing that this particular boulder had her name on it.
Yelping with fear, she fled to the air. The worker serving her followed, struggling under the weight of the cocooned pony. Once at a safe distance Chrysalis belatedly realized that her snifter was unbroken and still threaded through one of her hoof holes. She wordlessly held it out to the worker for another glass of freshly extracted love. She obliged and Chrysalis slugged the glass back in one gulp as they watched the boulder plummet straight through the throne room, smashing the Carapace Throne to pieces in the process.
From the sound of it, the stone had enough momentum to pass through three more levels before it finally stopped. Holding in a sigh and a curse, Queen Chrysalis fluttered back to the remains of her throne room to assess the damage.
“Finally!” a strange voice proclaimed as a serpentine outline traced itself in the air, filling with color from the top down. Discord inspected the rubble with a practiced and pleased eye. What the eye had previously belonged to and why it made noises like a flashing camera when he squeezed it were not subjects that Chrysalis wanted to linger on. “Oh, I have been waiting all day for that thing to go down so I could gloat in person!”
“Discord,” Queen Chrysalis said crossly. “If you don’t mind, I have a desperate, hopeless battle to preside over. We’re going to be a bit busy.”
“Not so fast, Chryssie,” Discord said with a smirk. “I am going nowhere until you admit that I won. I want to hear it from your own lips. Or mandibles. Whatever .”
Confusion was common around the Spirit of Chaos, but Chrysalis found herself stumped. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
Discord’s face fell and he spent several moments fumbling around to find it. He slapped it back on – upside down – and gave what she thought was a frown. “Oh, come now. Think back to several months ago, when I just recently ‘reformed’ and went on a Chaos World Tour. I was annoying you for weeks!” The grimace on Chrysalis’s face said that she remembered the occasion very well, and Discord happily plunged ahead. “In one of your more angry tirades – I think it was after I turned all of your workers this glittering pastel color with big jewel-like eyes – you accused me of being, to pardon the expression, a one-trick pony.”
The specifics brought the incident to mind and a dawning horror crossed Chrysalis’s face. “I remember. I said you were helpless without your powers and you said…”
Discord possessed a plethora of varied teeth, but for a moment every one of them seemed to come from a shark’s grin. “And I said I could topple your entire hive with nothing but a quill and parchment.” He flung his hands out and laughed wildly, rocking back and forth in the air. “All of those letters to Celestia, and she thought each one was from you! Oh, it was too rich!” He peered into the distance, looking through what had been his paw and was now a contraption of metal and glass. Then he tsked. “Oh, really now, Celestia? She's outfitting her earth ponies with lassos and pegasi with nets. Ugh, why does she have to rain on my parade? ” Discord shrugged. “No matter; I'll find some fun elsewhere. All you need to do is admit that I won, and I’ll be out of your mane and let you deal with the army marching on you.”
“But you didn’t.”
Discord’s grin soured and disappeared. “What’s that?”
“You didn’t win,” Chrysalis repeated.
“Balderdash! I didn’t use anything except a quill and parchment–”
“And ink,” Chrysalis said a sly grin on her face. “That wasn’t part of the bet, was it?”
Discord froze.
His teeth moved first, grinding against each other like millstones. He grew until he towered over her, teeth and tusks spilled out of his mouth, eyes red with fury and madness. He reached for her with a claw large enough to enfold her entire body and strange sounds, too jumbled and chaotic to be called words tumbled from his mouth.
Queen Chrysalis was frozen in place and the worker next to her dropped the pony cocoon to the floor.
Then, in the space between moments, the nightmarish monster facing them disappeared. Discord stood there back to his usual form, breathing deeply. He drew a candy bar out of nowhere and started munching on it. “I needed this snack. I’m not me when I’m angry.” He took a few more deep breaths, then glared at Chrysalis.
She couldn’t help flinching.
“Fine,” he said with a pout. “I didn’t manage what I said I could. There.”
“Great,” Chrysalis said, unsteadily. “What do I win?”
At that Discord gave her a pitying smile. “The satisfaction of being right.” Then he disappeared with a snap of his fingers.
Queen Chrysalis examined the ruined castle, her disorganized defenders, and the pony army thundering towards them. “Yay me?”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- forbloodysummer · 8.3k words · 812 15 · 9.6k views
- Chaospaladin · 6k words · 1,209 21 · 15k views
- Aragon · 18k words · 1,664 39 · 19k views
- psychicscubadiver · 5.9k words · 68 1 · 1.2k views
- Minds Eye · 5.1k words · 482 5 · 5.5k views
- Chaospaladin · 32k words · 491 6 · 7.2k views
- HapHazred · 6.3k words · 738 15 · 6.2k views
- Minds Eye · 2.9k words · 883 8 · 9.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.186 seconds
Total duration
998 users online
2,052,850 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Looks pretty awesome. I will read it when I get home.
This is exceptionally amusing. Good job.
Yeah, that's the problem with anti-magic fields, unless they're also anti-momentum fields they aren't going to do a thing against projectiles.
Good job!
I really liked how the final chapter flipped things on its head, and the hive bombardment was thoughtfully handled. Only thing I'd say there along the lines of criticism is that it might have been nice to see even more of a difference in character between the real Chrysalis and Discord's version of her, like having the real one be all the more ruthless and cunning. Loved the reference to the new changeling designs and how angry it made Chrysalis (and rightly so!).
One struggles to think of ways in which she can turn things around from there. Depends how effective the new detection spells are, I suppose - retreat and rebuild seems the safest option, but if there's a chance of fooling the spells, then Chrysalis disguising herself among the captured ponies in the basement wouldn't be a bad move.
Is this title a Godfather reference?
Well... damn. Discord turned the entire nation against Chrysalis. For a bad bet. At least she's still evil so...
What a
! I can't believe I actually didn't see it coming! 
I was expecting a rebellious daughter. This is even better!
No, I didn't like this chapter much. The way that Celestia was said to have reacted in between chapters made it seem like those events actually happened.
How would Discord get "compromising photos of Celestia + Luna and Twilight" anyways, without his "chaos magic"? It's just too Deus Ex Machina-y.
The rest of the story was good, but this ending really didn't do much for me.
8065983 You'd want an emotional vampire as a girlfriend? Mind you they are a real concept.
Emotional vampires feed on love and validation. They demand LOVE, not just sex from their partners, with no intention of returning it.
Love these chapter titles.
Good story! I have no idea how it has only 51 likes; it's deserving of many times that.
8065866 Maybe he painted them? Of course, this is Discord we're talking about. He's a rule breaker by nature, including rules of nature. I could see him cheating on this bet just a little. And in the end he didn't win the bet anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
The punchline sold this beautifully.
And this just shows how amusing and clever the Season 6 finale could have been.
I need to slip Psychoscoobydriver onto the writing staff. (Alondro's bad with names)
So this whole thing has been written two weeks ago and I see it in the top shelf just now?
Mysterious are the workings of this community.
I wonder what Chrysalis' punishment will be.
In life, there are people you can afford to have enemies and those you really don't want to have as enemies. Pissing off a being that can twirl reality like a glowstick at a rave party is someone you don't want to have on your list of enemies.
These letters all read as if Crysalis was replaced by Cave Johnson.
I sorta-kinda-definitely-want to hear this fic voiced over by the charming melodious dulcet tones of [Insert Lady Name Here]! Also I laughed. A lot. Thank you!
8068333
Julie Newmar as Catwoman
ok, that was definitly awesome and unexpected
you deserve a like and fave for this
I was laughing riotously as I read this story. Right up until the last chapter, anyway. It kind of ruins the humor to find out that thousands have been attacked, killed, imprisoned, and the survivors are facing imminent destruction for the sake of a bet and that the actual perpetrator is going to get off scot free. It... honestly just sucked the enjoyment out of everything that led up to this point. Pranks are only funny if no one gets hurt.
But that might just be me.
Chrysalis: "It's something."
Is it weird that I somehow feel a tiny little bit bad for her?
8068750
Discord never did get that "nobody hurt" part down pat.
I kinda feel bad for Chrysalis here.
But she won , so it's all good , since victory is everything.
... I'm only liking this story because of all of the other chapters. I'm just going to pretend that this one doesn't exist, because Discord caused the harm, deaths, and who knows what all else, all for the sake of a bet, and not even one he managed to win. That's just... There's nothing funny about this with the last chapter included, which is rather sad, considering that little "Comedy" tag is the only one you have...
An upvote for the first 95% of the story, which I found hilariously amusing.
The other 5% is the part where it's revealed that Discord's behind the whole thing; I do not think that this story benefited from his inclusion at all. It was running perfectly fine on the absurd humour (like those 'Twilight accidentally kills everypony' stories), until the twist yanked all of that away.
Instead of Chrysalis Bug Genius, we get a somewhat less inspiring prankster Discord.
8065866
The changling princesses trying to off their mom modeled for him.
8070621
So they endangered themselves by putting the entire Hive into battle.
For daughters who should be smart enough to lead the Hive in case their mother dies, that seems to be a pretty stupid idea.
Eh... the ending kind of killed the joy for me. I mean, sure, I can laugh at the fact that this was Discord's doing. What I can't laugh at is the fact that this joke went too far and now an entire species is going to pay for it.
I actually feel bad for Chrysalis here. Discord put so much work in it, yet it was all in vain.
... at least he got rid of changelings in Equestria? Silver linings?
Still, this was an amusing read
This is tough. I'm not sure I like the final chapter.
I was going to sing praises of how this was the most true-to-canon version of Chrysalis I had ever read. That it was glorious to see her in the role of the idiot tyrant instead of the supposed mastermind. That her inability to self-censor or empathize was coming out in spades. That it was hilarious.
And now it is hollow and empty. Way to kick your readers in the teeth, I guess.
8070590
8071456
I might share your disappointment, except for the part where this chapter reveals the stealth Brick Joke that was being carried through the whole story. I love that kind of thing.
Think about it. What wasn't part of the bet? Inc.
Eh, and it was doing so good, but this chapter ruined it. Discord gets off scott free after causing countless deaths and suffering and pretty much dooming an entire species. And it didn't even make sense, how did he do all those things that required his powers of he couldn't use anything?
Kinda disappointed now. Plus, Chryssie can just tell them and let them check if she's telling the truth.
Congrats Discord, you started a friggin' war between two species, aren't you so happy?
This chapter just...ugh. It's just too far departure from the story at large. Plus it doesn't explain those naughty photos of the Princesses.
Honestly everything that came before was perfect, but now? Now it just feels more of a let down. I really hope that the next chapter goes a lot better
8071817 Sure, the double-twist that Discord still lost the bet is funny in its own right, but some of us wish it didn't come at the cost of what the first 95% of the story seemed to be building up to.
I'd love to see an alternate (original?) ending where Chrysalis somehow bumbles her way to victory.
Am I the only one reading these letters in Cave Johnson's voice? It's a fantastic experience.
8073132 Yeah, but then we wouldn't have the interactive joke between "ink" losing him the bet and the lawyer-drones' obsession with "Inc.". You will notice that this suggests that Discord was aware of his bet's hidden weakness all along. (At some level, anyway; I wouldn't put it past him to have more than one consciousness going at the same time.)
8073888
Thank you.
Now I got to read the whole thing again.
I'm probably in the minority because I liked the ending.
Good on Discord for tricking Celestia into actually dealing with a dangerous threat for once.
I'm with some of the others here. I don't really know what to think of this ending. The rest of the story was great. Funny and witty.
But this ending...turns out to be Discord all along and he ends up practically sending an entire species to their doom just because of a bet?
It just seems a bit out of character for Discord. Sure, he's a dick, but I wouldn't see him capable of dooming an entire species for the sake of a prank, especially now that he's been "reformed" for quite a while.
Maybe that sounds silly to say and maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it felt to me.
8072427
Discord took those photos himself obviously.
8076124 Yes, but if he did, how did he do so without powers?
Dude I liked the way you set it up. The tone was off-putting from everything I have so far read, and really threw me for a loop for a bit. At one point I guessed at what was really up, but was like "That can't be right.....". Great story, good delivery.
Saw it in the feature box. "Huh, looks kinda fun, might give it a-"
Sees the author
... *ADDS TO READ LIST*
8073888 director myself church