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With Friends Like These, You Need Enemies

Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: He put a banana to my head and threatened me!

Dear Celestia,

That was pretty sneaky, sending a squad of guards to track the worker that picked up your response. I can respect that. Just as I hope you can respect that I expected that and ambushed them. Don’t worry, I didn’t do any permanent damage – they’re all snoozing peacefully in their own cocoons. While maybe I should feel hurt by your lack of trust, I choose to see it has a chance to prove some of the things I have been saying. In one or two weeks (once we’ve forcibly extracted most of the love out of them) I’ll return your guards just the same as they used to be. More or less. They might be listless, emotionally hollow, or severely depressed, but a few months of therapy, and they’ll be as good as new.

Anyway, in regards to your negative response, I am once again disappointed. I’m trying very hard to reach an understanding here, but you are being completely unreasonable. I mean, you’re supposedly really big into this ‘friendship’ thing, which so far as I can tell is basically just ‘mutually beneficial exchange’. I’m offering things that benefit both of us, but you don’t seem willing to discuss it. Not very ‘friendly’ of you, in my opinion.

Still, never let it be said that I didn’t continue to make the effort. Frankly, I don’t see how you could turn down this offer. It’s probably the best one yet, and really I was holding it in reserve as my best bargaining chip. How would you feel about joining forces?

Yes, that’s right. You and me together against the world. Believe it or not, I would make quite the ally. My Hive is the single greatest spy network on the continent. I currently have agents placed highly within every notable center of power in the known world, and you would not believe some of the things they uncover. Now, I have mainly been using this info to move in the shadows or apply subtle manipulations where I need to. But you’ve got all of Equestria's considerable resources to put these secrets to their best use.

Within two or three years (time enough to get those … under-trained legions of yours ready to fight) you could march across the world in an unstoppable tide. You’d have mobility, reconnaissance, and power over the weather with pegasi, unicorn spellcasters for long-range bombardment, and earth ponies for heavy infantry. Pair that with infiltrators that can replace enemy commanders, mentally control most of those they can’t replace, and give you the secrets about your enemies’ defenses. Nothing on this planet could stop us, and we could raise a single banner across the world with you at its head.

True, I’m not normally the type to settle for second place, but I’d be willing to make that sacrifice for the good of the Hive. Gotta say, I should be higher than your sister in the power structure, though. What has she done for you lately? I mean, c’mon, she slept through my invasion. And I would make a much better second-in-command than her. I’d certainly never betray you like she did, even if I could replace you afterwards and soak up all the adoration of your subjects, becoming like unto a GODDESS!

Okay, when I’m done dictating, be sure to take out that last part, worker. Re-write the letter if you have to.

And the best part of this? You wouldn’t need to give me a single pony. That’s right, for once I am not asking for any of your subjects. Instead, I’ll just take my pick of the prisoners of war and enslaved populaces. As I said in an earlier letter, we don’t need ponies specifically, so whatever species you see fit to conquer would be fine with me. Though, I’d ask that you didn’t start with the goats. Their love tastes funny, and those sideways eyes are super creepy.

Hive Watch Inc (I tried to explain to the law-drones that this would be a silent partnership without any surface acknowledgement, but they are weirdly obsessed with incorporating the Hive. I think something went wrong with that batch of eggs) would be the perfect partners and I would be the best friend you could ever have. I’ve heard ponies talk about ‘Harmony’ all the time, and honestly, what could be more harmonious than the entire world ruled under a single regime?

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