Chapter 3
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037
Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator
***
There were times when Princess Celestia wondered if being a princess was worth it. Dealing with snobby nobles, taking part in pointless traditions, and always having to act like you were perfect all the time was a drag. But nothing compared to the bane of existence all rulers had to deal with on a constant basis: paperwork.
Sipping her tea, Celestia lazily looked over the latest reports from a their mountain stacked pile. They were all focused on what happened last night as well as the reactions from her ponies. Another request for a second night of disco. Demands that her sister be reprimanded for creating public unrest. Another report of a cult worshiping the true ruler of Equestria, “Fever Moon”, who shall make the disco last forever. By Faust, sometimes my subjects, as much as I love them, really need to get a grip on life.
Admittedly, she was a bit worried when she saw the moon replaced with a giant disco ball—which caused her to quickly check on a certain still-stone draconequus—but she relaxed when her student told her what had happened. The rest of the night was spent rounding up the guards and helping them restore order. She had passed through numerous different disco parties as well as mobs of panic which took forever to calm down. As amusing it had been at first, the entire process took all night, leaving her little sleep.
Fighting to keep her baggy eyes open, she continued to look at the reports. It seemed that all around Equestria there were similar incidents. Ponies dressing in ridiculous clothing that she herself shivered at the mere thought of. Music that, while having a nice beat, featured some of the worst lyrics that were ever spoken. Not to mention that it was was played endlessly throughout the night, causing some complaints. And the dancing. By Faust the dancing.
She briefly wondered if it would be wrong to cast the world memory wipe spell.
Thankfully, she managed to lower the moon when she learned her sister was in too much distress to do so. Celestia could hardly blame her. The sun and moon were precious to them, almost as important as a limb. If something happened to her and her sun—Celestia sniffed her tea and scanned it with her magic just in case a certain phoenix wanted to prank another alicorn. Putting the reports away for now, she grabbed a muffin before glancing towards the empty seat across from her. She had sent for Luna to come for their usual breakfast time, but still no word.
Where is she? mused Celestia as she took a bite of the baked good. I know last night was bad, but she can’t still be this upset over it.
A knock on the door snapped her out of her thoughts. “You may enter.”
One of Luna’s Night Guards entered and bowed. “Um, Corporal Helm Breaker, ma’am. You requested Princess Luna to join you for breakfast?”
Celestia raised one of her eyebrows and slowly nodded. “I believe I did ask, yes. Is there a problem?” She watched the nervous guard look away and rub the back of his helmet. Already she could tell this wasn’t going to be good. As if I didn’t have enough going on already...
“Well... there might be a problem with that. Princess Luna has locked herself inside her room... again. My partner, your student, and I are trying to convince her to come out, but we’ve had no luck,” explained Helm Breaker.
“I see...” said Celestia, rubbing her temple. “And just how stubborn is my little sister behaving exactly?” Helm Breaker opened his mouth a few times, but closed them. He rubbed his chin, trying to find the right words to say without giving insult. Celestia could feel a migraine coming. “Corporal, you’re free to use whatever words you see fit to answer.”
Helm Breaker stared at her for a bit, trying to judge what words to say. He sighed, stood straight up, and replied, “Honestly, your majesty? She’s acting worse than my sister when she found a zit on her face on prom night.”
Celestia stared at the guard for a while until her hoof met with her forehead. “Is it really like that?”
“Best way I can think of explaining it, your majesty,” answered Helm Breaker.
Sighing, Celestia ordered the guard to wait for her back at her sister’s room. Once he was clear, she put her teacup down and reached under the table with her magic, pulling out a flask. As she drunk the sweet taste of alcohol she thought, I picked a bad week to try and quit drinking.
***
“Come on, Princess Luna. You can’t stay locked inside forever!” shouted Twilight as she banged on the door. Normally, she would have used her horn—now straight and spot free again thanks to another bubble bath—to unlock it, but Luna had managed to seal her door with a powerful anti-magic ward. So for the past two hours she and the guards had been forced to use alternative methods.
“No! Go away! I refuse to come out for the rest of my life!” wailed Luna from inside. “Let Tia run the moon! A disgraced alicorn such as me deserves to fade away and never be mentioned again!”
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, Luna. Besides, I hear ponies had fun during Disco Night,” said Twilight with a smile.
“NEVER CALL MY PRECIOUS LITTLE NIGHT THAT EVER AGAIN!” The Royal Canterlot Voice managed to nearly stretch the door off its hinges, and blew Twilight off her hooves, slamming her against the wall. A few of the windows nearby managed to shatter into pieces while precious furniture rocked a bit before flipping over.
Struggling to get up, with assistance from Piercing Valor, Twilight shook her head; this was just as bad as dealing with Rarity on her off days. She turned towards Piercing Valor, hoping he had an idea, but he shook his head in disbelief at the princess’s behavior. Normally, she would agree with him, but since yesterday, Twilight was starting to rethink her opinions on how the rulers of Equestria actually behaved.
Their attention was soon focused on a returning Helm Breaker. “Princess Celestia’s on her way. How’s it going?”
“About as well as you can expect,” muttered Piercing Valor.
Helm Breaker made his way to the door before knocking. “Princess? Your sister is on her way to talk to you. Don’t you want to come out and greet her?”
“Tell her she can wait!” cried out Luna.
“For how long?”
“’Till time ends! Now go away!”
Helm Breaker turned to the others and shrugged, but his partner wasn’t going to take any more. He stepped forward towards the door and stood tall, face stern like a rock. Taking a deep breath, Piercing Valor announced, “Listen to me, Princess Luna. We will not go away. You are a Diarch of Equestria and as such you must behave as one. Your sister has requested your presence and as your guard, it is my duty to make sure that this happens. Even if I must break down this door and drag you, kicking and screaming. Now I’m going to count to three!”
“One! Two! Thr—”
“Break down my door and I’ll transfer you to Detrot!” screamed Princess Luna.
That was all it took to make Piercing Valor lose his courage. Face frozen in terror, his voice died out in the middle of his third count as he stood as still as the statues in the royal gardens. Twilight and Helm gulped and shook their heads with pity. His bravado gone, the cowering guard retreated back and sat near a corner, every inch of his body shaking.
He continued to do this even as Princess Celestia arrived. Looking at the traumatized night guard, she turned to her student and asked, “Do I want know?” Twilight and Helm shook their heads. Celestia gave the poor stallion a sympathetic glance before focusing her attention at Luna’s door.
Celestia cleared her throat and retained the sweet, caring look she always gave ponies, although Twilight could tell it was a bit forced. Walking up to her sister’s door, Celestia knocked. “Luna? It’s me. Listen, I understand you’re embarrassed about what happened last night, but now’s not the time to be sitting in your room with the lights turned off and acting like your life is over.”
“How do you know?! Did you ever have your sun turn into a giant sparkling ball of shame?!” Everypony outside her door winced at the sound of something fragile, and probably expensive, crash in Luna’s room. “You might as well banish me to the moon forever, just to save me the humiliation I’ll get from the public!”
“Oh, come on, Luna. It was a bit funny if you really think about it,” giggled Celestia, but this only caused her sister to groan even more. “Some even thought it was amusing.”
“My moon isn’t supposed to be amusing!” cried Luna in a high pitched voice. “It’s supposed to be regal! Mystical! Enchanting and full of wonder! Not some sort of symbol for ponies to shake their tails like those clubs in the red light district!”
Celestia’s was now glaring at the door, reminding Twilight of the time she got scolded for the Smarty Pants incident. “Luna Artemis Diana Beatrix Leah Olympia Faust, you will get out here and stop acting like a spoiled brat. You’re over one thousand eight hundred and sixty-four years old and you should be acting your age!”
“You can’t order me around! You’re not our mother!” cried out Luna, ending her statement with a raspberry.
“I’m your older sister, Lulu!” declared Celestia, turning red. “And I have to say, the way you are acting now is childish.”
Princess Luna gave out another raspberry, which only made Celestia growl. To the amazement of the three mortal ponies, she responded with a raspberry of her own. Twilight and the two guards stood in stunned silence as the most powerful, godlike beings of the world, wielders of the sun and moon, continued their childish retorts. Twilight could feel the last drops of her idealized image of the Canterlot Royal Sisters go down the drain. Helm Breaker seemed to be taking the entire thing in good spirits, struggling to hold his laughter back with his hooves to his muzzle. Piercing Valor was just shaking his head, mumbling, “Actually, Detrot sounds good about now.”
A few blows later, Celestia’s eyes widened, realizing how she was behaving. Coughing into her hoof, she regained her regal pose and growled, “Luna! Enough! This ridiculous behavior of yours has gone long en—”
To everypony’s surprise, Luna’s door slammed open. The night princess glared at her nervous sister, before a mischievous smile stretched across her muzzle. “Oh, I’m being ridiculous? Do I need to recall how many times a certain drama queen acted when we were growing up?”
“W–what are you talking about?” Sweat started to appear on Celestia’s brow. She tried to retain her posture, but her tail was twitching. “I... I admit I was sometimes a bit... eccentric when I was younger, but not as obnoxious as you are acting.”
“Oh, really? What about the time that griffin ambassador’s son you had a crush on said he just wanted to be friends? You rushed into your bed with a tub of ice cream and wailed all night.” Luna proceeded to put her hoof over head and squeak in a whiny voice. “Waaaahh! Oh, woe is me! My one true love doesn’t like me because I’m a fat, ugly whale! I should just stay here in my room for the rest of my life so nopony can see how hideous I am! I’m going to grow up to be a crazy cat lady and be alone forever! Boo hoo!”
Helm Breaker was no longer holding back his howling. Tears streamed down his eyes as his laughter echoed through the halls. Piercing Valor and Twilight glared at him to shut up, but they too found it hard to take the situation seriously. Princess Celestia was blushing, and looked absolutely livid. Her glare was so intense, it seemed like she was trying to set her sister on fire with her eyes alone.
“Oh, you want to talk about over-dramatic moments, huh?!” shouted Celestia, no longer holding back her anger. “Let’s talk about the time when you cried when Mom brought in that mascot of Benny the Purple Dragon for your birthday party! You ran away screaming and crying. You even tossed your birthday cake and presents at it while trying to run away!” Faking horror, Celestia put her hooves to her cheek and screamed, “Ah! Mommy! Save me! He’s going to eat me! I’m too cute and loud and annoying to be eaten! Ah! I’m scared! I think I peed myself! Save me!”
“S–shut up!” yelled a blushing Luna as Celestia laughed her tail off. “At least I didn’t complain like a brat when it came time to eat lima beans! You always whined and moaned about how disgusting they were! There was even that one time you threw the plate at one of the guards, and knocked him out. And when Mom punished you with no dessert for a week, you were crying and pouting like a baby. Stomping your hooves, telling mom you hated her. You even tried to sneak into the kitchen late at night and ended up getting caught!”
“I was going to the bathroom!” argued an equally blushing Celestia.
“Liar! You passed six of them on your way towards the kitchens!” retorted Luna.
The three bystanders continued to watch in fascination as the two sisters yelled at each like... well, sisters. Helm Breaker, grinning like a manic, leaned over to the other two and whispered, “This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Who knew the royal sisters were so... normal?”
“Well, at least I’m not obsessed with socks!”
“At least I have a hobby! You just sit around on your fat plot doing nothing but eating sweets!”
“I’ve lost weight, I’ll have you know! And while I may love sweets, at least I eat them with other ponies. I socialize unlike you Miss. Dark and Creepy!”
“At least I wasn’t still wetting bed when I was one-hundred and thirty!” revealed a smug Luna.
Princess Celestia’s jaw dropped, as did Twilight Sparkle’s and Piercing Valor’s. Helm Breaker had lost all control and was laughing louder than a hyena, all four of his legs kicking in the air. He was soon silenced, when Celestia’s mane turned into a blazing inferno like that of the sun she controlled. Her eyes shined pure white, and Luna’s smile instantly faded away. The pupils in her eyes shrunk as her tail curled up.
“YOU PROMISED TO NEVER TELL ANYPONY ABOUT THAT!” Celestia roared so loud, it made all three of the mortal ponies hug each other in fear. Her enraged voice echoed across Canterlot as ponies hid in their homes, foals cried, and insects and rodents who could feel the burning aura crawled into the darkest corners of the city. Even Discord’s statue managed to, beyond all possibility, sweat in terror.
Realizing that she may have bitten more than she could chew, Princess Luna gave a weak smile, “Um... I love you, big sister?”
“LOVE THIS!” Celestia reared back and shot her front hooves forward, slamming Luna back into her room. She charged inside, closing the door just as the palace began to shake like Canterlot’s mountain was about to erupt. The cries and shouts of the alicorn sisters filled the halls. Magic of the highest caliber could be felt in the air as ancient spells clashed against one another. Storms of shadows and flames of fire could be seen flickering out of the cracks of the door, which miraculously still stood despite the punishment it was taking.
Twilight almost wished she could see what sort of spells were being cast, but reminded herself that such knowledge was not worth getting between two angry, near-godlike beings. Vaporization didn’t sound like a pleasant end.
Finally, they heard one last explosion before Princess Celestia’s triumphantly cried out. “Victory is mine, sister!”
“Release me! Please, Celestia! I’m sorry!” begged Luna, sounding close to tears.
Princess Celestia only laughed “Release you, sister?! I’ll release you when you’ve received a proper attitude adjustment!”
The three held their breaths as they waited for Celestia’ wrath to strike her sister with great vengeance. Their imaginations went wild, each thinking of different punishments that nearly made them sick to their stomachs. The tension in the halls was so thick that minotaurs could have been doing pirouettes in front of everypony, and still it wouldn’t distract them.
SLAP!
The three winced by reflex, but soon raised their eyebrows as the slapping sound continued. They slowly separated and glanced at one another, each of them just as confused as the other. Luna was indeed screaming, but it sounded more like a painful “yipe” than anything else. Instead of sounds of bloodshed and burning flesh, it sounded as if Luna was getting—the thought quickly made Twilight’s mouth drop. It couldn’t be...
Twilight slowly turned her head towards the door, as Luna’s cries of pain continued in time with the slapping. Driven by her curiosity, Twilight pushed open the door, and found that Luna’s room looked like the birthplace of the apocalypse. When she and the guards looked inside, there eyes widen at what they saw.
Celestia, her normal mane restored, raised her hoof and shouted, “Feel the hoof of justice!” She sent it down and struck Luna’s hindquarters, while holding a tight grip around her sister’s waist despite her attempts to flee.
“Ow! You can’t do this to me! Ow! This is degrading! Ow! Abuse of power! I call for a revolution! Ow!”
The audience continued to watch the ongoing assault on Princess Luna’s flank for a while, until Piercing Valor threw up his hooves. “That’s it! I give up. I can’t take this. I’m going to take my vacation time now, go to the nearest bar, get drunk, and forget this all ever happened.”
“Same, but only if you’re buying,” said Helm Breaker, following his partner down the hall.
Twilight watched the two guards leave, before returning her focus to the... scene in front of her. Finally the spanking stopped as Celestia, gave a sinister smile and asked sweetly, “Who’s the big sister?”
“You are...” whined Luna.
“And who’s the little sister?”
“I am...”
“And don’t you forget it!” shouted Celestia, tossing her sister into the bed. She walked outside, her mane frazzled and pelt covered in soot and burn marks.
Looking at her broken student, who was still trying to process what had just happened, she gave a nervous smile. “Um, Twilight. Be a dear and stay with Luna for a while? I’m... going to go for a walk.”
With what little dignity she had left, Princess Celestia walked off as if nothing had gone wrong in the last ten minutes. Twilight just stared at her retreating form for a few seconds, before hesitantly entering Princess Luna’s room, where its owner was rubbing her red hide.
Twilight got a death glare the moment she entered. Princess Luna growled, “Tell anypony you saw this and I’ll throw you into a black hole.”
“My lips are sealed,” promised Twilight.
Princess Luna nodded before falling onto her back, her mane covering her face like a blanket. “This is the worst week I’ve ever had! All thanks to that bird who I can even prank just once! Not only did she avoid my poison joke, but she managed to take my spare ones and use them on me!”
“Well, you’re not the only one who got pranked...” muttered Twilight as she rubbed her poison-joke-free horn.
Rolling to her side, Luna hunched up and shook with rage. “If only I could get that bird! One prank! That’s all I want! I don’t care how many failures I go through! I just want to get Philomena just once!”
Twilight looked at her with sympathy before her eyes beamed with resolve. She placed her hoof on Luna’s back. “Don’t worry, Luna. We’re going to get back at her. You’re not the only one who got pranked this time. Nopony ever messes with Twilight Sparkle’s magic and gets away with it.”
“You... you mean that? Even though I blackmailed you into helping me?” asked Luna, sitting back up.
Twilight nodded. “Of course. I’m your friend and I promised to help you. Just make sure to never look at my private stuff again, and we’ll call it even.”
For the first time in a long week, a true smile appeared on Luna’s face. She wrapped her forelegs around Twilight and nuzzled her. Breaking away, she pounded her forehooves into each other and grinned. “Alright, so what’s the plan? How shall we strike at the phoenix?!”
“Well it’s unfortunate, but I don’t have much experience in pranking, nor have I studied the subject much,” confessed Twilight as she rubbed her chin. A mischievous smirk soon spread across her muzzle. “But I know two ponies who do.”
***
In mere hours, the pair was in Ponyville.
Since a princess would attract too much attention, Luna had opted for a disguise, using her research into ‘modern customs’. This included a backwards jersey, shades, a baseball cap, and numerous amounts of hoof rings and golden chains. Twilight pointed out that this would only make Luna more noticed, but her worries were rebuffed. When they entered town, Luna immediately went into action, claiming that she not only had to look the part, but act the part too.
“Yo yo my fellow brotha’s and sista’s in the hood! It’s uh nice day ta be out an’ ’bout isn’t it? Please pay no attention ta me an’ allow me an’ muh sista from anotha motha ta cruise right on through Ponyville. Werd?!” announced Luna as she followed an embarrassed Twilight from behind.
Ponies stared at the duo before quickly heading into their homes. They locked their doors and closed their curtains, leaving them alone in the deserted street. Princess Luna lifted her chin and smiled. “See, Twilight? I told you my disguise would make ponies leave us be. Now we have nothing to worry about.”
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but closed it, seeing it pointless. Halfway down the street, she spotted Applejack walking towards her. “Howdy there, Twilight. How ya... um...” Applejack turned towards a grinning Luna who was posing with her forelegs crossed over her chest. “Um... Twilight? Who’s yer friend?”
“This is um... my cousin...” lied Twilight. “My distant... cousin...”
Luna nodded her head. “Yo wut’s goin’ on, homegirl? Ah'm da bomb Moonshine and an' ah'm here chilling in Ponyville wif muh cuz, Twilight. Can ya dig dat, sucka? What 'chew thinkin', girl?”
Applejack only raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. “Uh, pardon?”
“Werd up an’ relax, dog. Ah'm just havin` uh tight tyme in dis here happenin' town. Ya know? Just looking fo' two assistants ta he`p me out wif uh problem back in mah kick flank crib. So nahh worries, sista an’ brace the love!” said Luna, holding her arms out for a hug.
Applejack only backed away and nervously tipped her hat. “Well, it was nice meetin’ ya. Ah... uh... ah gotta get home and tend to the apples... bye!”
She rushed off a second later, faster than Twilight had ever seen her gallop. Luna gave out a "hmm" and asked, “Did I say the wrong word? Maybe I should have said ‘hip-hoppin’ instead of ‘tight tyme’.”
“Maybe you should just stay quiet until we find Pinkie. Let’s go,” said Twilight, continuing forward. Luna shrugged and followed.
They soon arrived at the door of Sugarcube Corner and entered, the bell announcing their arrival. Mr. Cake was putting away the last of the blueberry flavored cupcakes when he heard them enter. Rising up to the counter, he greeted, “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner. How can I—AAAAH!” Mr. Cake quickly dived under the counter. “Sugarbear, we got a hoodlum! Take the babies and get out! I’ll cover you with the bat!”
“Wait, Mr. Cake!” cried out Twilight, as Mr. Cake rose up with a wooden bat in his mouth. “This is Princess Luna in disguise!” She quickly tore off all Luna’s clothes, much to the latter’s disappointment.
The bat dropped from the shocked store owner’s mouth as he quickly kneeled before them. “Princess Luna! I’m so sorry! I thought for a second you were... um...”
“ ’Tis alright, Mr. Cake. Please rise,” said Luna.
The kitchen door slammed open and out came Mrs. Cake, wearing a pair of boxing gloves on her front hooves. She punched a few times in the air. “Where are they! I may be past my prime, but I’m still a former three time golden hooves champion! Bring ‘em on!”
“Honeybun, it’s okay,” assured Mr. Cake. “just a false alarm.”
“Oh, good,” said Mrs. Cake with a smile, ignoring the surprised looks Twilight and Luna were giving. “Mind coming into the kitchen with me, dear? I need your help with the chocolate chip muffins.” Mrs. Cake hummed to herself before proceeding to the kitchen. Mr. Cake excused himself and followed his wife.
Twilight proceeded to make her way up the stairs behind the counter. Turning to Luna, she said, “I’m going to see if Pinkie’s up in her room. Do you mind waiting here?”
“Oh course not. In fact, I think I shall help Mr. and Mrs. Cake. It would be nice to actually cook something for a chance. In fact, I’ve been eager in trying out a ‘microwave’,” said Princess Luna as she headed into the kitchens as well.
Shrugging her shoulders, Twilight made her way up the staircase. When she arrived at Pinkie Pie’s room door, she hesitated in opening it. You always had to expect the unexpected when it came to Pinkie Pie, especially when you entered her room. One minute it could be filled with hot chocolate and the next with snow, despite the temperature as hot as a desert. Taking a deep breath, Twilight slowly knocked on the door and waited.
When the door slowly began to open, she smiled. “Hi, Pinkie Pie. I was wonder if you could—” Twilight’s pupils shrunk as the door fully opened and she saw the barrel of a cannon aimed right at her head. Holy Celestia's undergarments!
The cannon fired and Twilight found herself splattered with yellow goo and confetti before her back made contact with the wall. Some of the goo managed to enter her mouth, her tastebuds identifying it as cake batter. She fell from the wall to the floor, her mind still bouncing around in her skull.
“Dang, Pinkie. I think you put too much in that one,” laughed Rainbow Dash walking out of the room
“Maybe. Do you think maybe less gunpowder could work?” asked Pinkie Pie, inspecting her canon.
“Worth a shot, maybe we could—hey is that Twilight?”
No sooner had Twilight heard that than she was lifted off, the ground and given a strong hug in the forearms of one excited Pinkie Pie. “Twilight! I’m so glad to see you! Did you come to help test my new Party Cannon 2.0?!”
Rainbow Dash put her hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder and said, “Easy, Pink’s. I think she may have been caught in the crossfire.”
She tapped Twilight’s head and asked, “Yo, Twilight? You alright? Say something?”
Eyes spinning, the brain damaged unicorn answered with a slur in her tone, “Pretty pretty is the magical horsey who drinks the sparkling sarsaparilla...”
“She sounds fine to me!” said Pinkie Pie, dropping Twilight on her haunches.
A second later, Twilight shook her head and rose to her hooves, wiping the cake batter from her eyes. She glared at the two pranksters who were holding back their laughter. Twilight began to shake most of the cake batter off, but Pinkie then took out her tongue and, much to the unicorn’s disgust, began to lick off the cake batter at high speed. Twilight didn’t know what she found worse: the fact that she was being covered in saliva, or the fact that Pinkie's tongue seemed to stretch to impossible lengths.
Then again, this was Pinkie Pie.
When the last of the batter was gone, Twilight quickly forced the event into the darkest part of her memory. She turned to the two and said, “Well, now that I am ‘somewhat clean’, your probably wondering why I’m here.”
“Not really, but go ahead,” said Rainbow Dash, leaning against the wall.
“Well, it’s a long story, so I’ll try to make it short. I’m sure you saw what happened to the moon last night?” asked Twilight.
“Are you kidding! That was the best night ever!” shouted Pinkie as she jumped up to the ceiling. “I really can’t believe Princess Luna did that! It was so much fun with the dancing and the eating and the staying alive. Maybe I should do something similar! Oh! I know! How about a techno party! We can have everypony doing the robot!” She then proceeded to enact the dance, earing a few chuckles from her friends
“I’ll admit I wasn’t too fond of the idea of a ‘disco party’, but hey, a good time is a good time. Wasn’t so bad,” said Rainbow Dash
Twilight nodded. “Well, the truth is, that wasn’t done on purpose. It was a prank.”
Mentioning the ‘P’ word got their attention immediately. Twilight quickly explained the prank war—even though it was one-sided at the moment—between Princess Luna and Philomena. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were howling throughout the story, pounding their hooves against the floor. Needless to say, Twilight wasn’t amused, especially when she told them how she got pranked as well.
“Anyway, the point is, since neither Princess Luna nor I really know how to pull pranks, I figured you two could help us get back at Philomena once and for all,” finished Twilight.
Her two friends got up and looked at each other with mischievous grins. Dash strutted forward and said, “I’ll admit, Philomena sounds like quite the challenge. But why should the two of us use our awesome knowledge of pranks and jokes to help you and Princess Luna?”
“We might be able to do it for something special,” said Pinkie Pie with a grin equal to her pranking partner’s. “Perhaps a favor for a favor?”
Twilight sighed and lowered her head. “What do you want?”
A second later, Rainbow Dash eyes were beaming with excitement as a little drool fell onto her hoof. “I want season VIP passes to the Wonderbolts Arena. And not the kind of lame VIP ones that just gives you good boxes, I want the ones where you can go around their HQ and training center!”
Typical Rainbow Dash. Should have seen that one coming, thought Twilight. She turned to Pinkie Pie and waited for her request.
“Oh my request is easy. I want the Gala,” said Pinkie in a sweet tone.
Twilight nearly took a step back. “You want to go to the Gala?! Pinkie, we all swore to never go again. Even Fluttershy took her invitation when we got invited a second time and burned it, cackling madly.”
“Oh, I don’t want to go to the Gala. I want to make the Gala.” Pinkie frowned. Her eyes sharpened as she jumped onto her cannon. Raised her hoof dramatically into the air, she proclaimed, “The Gala has been called the worst party in Equestria, and rightfully so. No sugary sweets, no exciting dancing, not even a single conga line or piñata! That is why I, Pinkie Pie, will take control of the Gala and throw off its nasty curse of being a terrible party for a bunch of snooty ponies and make it a grand fiesta for everypony to enjoy! There will be dancing, eating, drinking until you pass out and wake up to find yourself in bed with that one pony you were eyeing across the room. And I shall bring that to them. It is. My. Destiny!”
A small barrage of fireworks and party poppers erupted behind her and a large poster unrolled from above, proudly showing “Pinkie Pie! Party Maker of Destiny!” in bright red. Twilight and Rainbow Dash just watch the display with raised eyebrows.
“How does she prepare for all this?” whispered Twilight.
“Don’t know, but I gotta find out how. This kind of stuff would do wonders for my performances,” whispered Rainbow Dash.
When the last popper was popped, Twilight said, “Okay, Pinkie. I’ll see if Princess Luna can put you in charge of the Grand Galloping Gala this year.”
“And?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “And I’ll see about your VIP passes, Dash.”
Rainbow Dash pumped her hoof in the air. “Alright then, Twilight, you got a deal!”
Turning to Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash said, “Pinkie, go get Pranking Kit number two three seven.”
Pinkie gasped, her pupils shrinking in shock. “But Dash! We’re suppose to save that for when Rarity gets married!”
“Two three seven! Not two four seven!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, that makes more sense. Wait here!” Pinkie Pie hopped back into her room, humming to herself.
Twilight glared at a nervous and sweating Dash. “Rarity’s wedding day?”
“You’ll find out when it comes,” answered Dash, forcing her eyes to look elsewhere.
Pinkie Pie soon came back with a heavy, black suitcase. She put it on the ground and opened it, revealing a paintball gun and three containers of different colored paintballs. Twilight levitated the gun and examined it. “I don’t get it. It looks just like a normal paintball gun. What’s the prank?”
Pinkie Pie shook her head as she took the gun back and loaded it up with a few yellow paintballs. “Silly Twily. The paintballs are the real prize. Each of them is a different set of funny results when you hit somepony with them. Allow me to demonstrate.” Pinkie walked up to one of the windows and pushed it open. She rested her elbows on the windowsill and took aim.
***
Big Macintosh was carrying a crate of apples on his back. For some reason, his sister decided to stay home, saying she had met the strangest pony ever. Still, the apples had to be delivered and a job was a job.
He was about to turn the corner when he felt something hit him in the flank. He turned around and tried to see if anypony was there, but nothing was there. Must have been a fly.
Just as he was about to press on, Big Macintosh felt and itch where he was hit and scratched it. It continued to get itchy, and Macintosh tried harder to rid himself of it. Soon the itch crawled up to his back, then to his hooves, and pretty soon the big red stallion was jumping up and down like crazy. His hooves darted everywhere, trying to stop the insane amount of itching. It was like the time he slept too near a red ant colony
He pressed his rear against the stone street and used his back hooves to push himself forward, hoping to rid himself of the itching. It didn’t work, and soon charged towards a prickle bush, diving in and scratching himself all over with the sharp thorns, but still no luck. With a frustrated cry, the normally stoic stallion ran all the way home, scratching every part of his body from his head to his butt with anything sharp. Needless to say, a few ponies raise their eyebrows.
***
“I see, itching powder,” commented Twilight.
“Yup. Don’t worry though, it’ll only last an hour. All the paintballs do,” said Pinkie as she loaded up the blue ones into her gun.
“Hey, let me get a shot! These were my idea anyway.” Dash took the gun and looked for a good target, until she saw a couple nearby enjoying a date. She grinned and fired.
***
Caramel and Wind Whistler were celebrating their eight month anniversary. The mare had always considered herself lucky when she met her coltfriend last Hearth’s Warming Eve. Sure, he was a bit of a klutz, and managed to find someway to screw up on his jobs, but he was always sweet and charming to her. The two of them were finishing their hay fries when Wind Whistler felt something hit her in the back of the neck. She instinctively pressed her hoof against it and saw that it was blue paint.
Before she could question anything, she heard her coltfriend gag and turn away looking green. Wind Whistler immediately went to his side and asked, “Caramel, is something wrong?”
“Stay back!” shouted Caramel as he pushed her away. He held his hooves to his nose and moaned. “Dear Celestia, did you even shower today?!”
“What?!” she shouted, outraged. Furious, she went to smack him upside the head, but he ran away, before vomiting in a nearby fern pot. Wind Whistler was shocked, and slowly sniffed herself, but found nothing wrong. She had showered before their date, so why was Caramel acting like she smelled worse than garbage. Maybe... maybe he doesn’t like me anymore?
Their waiter came over, worry on his face. “Is everything alrigh-UGH!” Just like her boyfriend, the waiter put his hooves to his snout and stuck out his tongue. “Madam! With the utmost possible respect, under the circumstances, I must suggest that you bathe before patronizing this establishment!!”
Apparently it wasn’t just him. Other customers around the restaurant were looking at her with disgust, and some were even fainting. Wind Whistler just looked around and wondered what the heck was going on.
***
“A stink ball?”
“Yup!” proclaimed Rainbow Dash, puffing her chest. “But it’s not just any stink bomb. It actually just increases your body order five times the amount you give. It’s also strong enough to block off all deodorants and soap.”
“Mind if I see?” asked Twilight.
“Sure, go ahead ahead,” said Dash as she loaded the gun with the red paintballs and handed it to Twilight.
Inspecting the design, Twilight put her hoof near the trigger and asked, “How exactly do these things work any—”
Her hoof pressed on the trigger and the gun fired a red paintball that nailed Rainbow Dash right in the forehead. Instead of paint this time, a white powdery substance spread around Dash. Although surprised for a second, she soon sighed, “Well... great...” A second later, Dash was on the floor, snoring.
“Uh... what did I just do?” asked Twilight, slowly putting the gun down.
“The red ones are sleep bombs. They release both a powder and paint that will put you out like a light if you inhale,” answered Pinkie, while using a marker to draw a few funny faces on Dash’s face. “So what do you think? We got a whole set of these. The four of us could easily take out Philomena with one of these practical jokes.”
Twilight had to admit, it was a sound idea. With a tactical plan and these pranking paintball guns, they had a good chance of getting back at Philomena. She was about to say something, when Pinkie started shaking in place with her ears flapping around. Her tail started to twirl around while her snout sniffled. Recognizing a Pinkie Sense Combo, Twilight quickly grabbed the paintball gun and looked around, fear in her eyes.
“What is it?! Is it a dragon?! An earthquake?! Philomena?!” shouted Twilight.
“Oh, no. That combo means a giant food monster is going to be attacking Ponyville!” said Pinkie cheerfully.
“...wait, what?”
A large explosion rumbled from below as the entire house shook. Pinkie cheered as she was tossed around while Twilight did her best to hold on to something. The sound of walls crumbling were heard followed by a monstrous roar and large stomping. Twilight dragged herself towards the window and for the second time that day felt her mind shut down.
All logic had completely been kicked to the curb as a giant muffin with arms and legs went around town, flailing its new limbs while crying out in anger. Ponies fled in terror as houses were smashed. Pinkie Pie walked up to Twilight and whistled. “Wow, that’s doing a lot of damage. Good thing we all got that monster attack insurance policy after the parasprite incident."
Twilight pushed Pinkie away as she ran down the stairs and entered the kitchen, where she saw the Cakes and Luna stare in horror at the monster through the giant hole in their kitchen wall. Twilight rushed over and asked, “What the hay happened?”
Luna gulped as a blush covered her cheeks. “Um, I tried baking a muffin and... well, it didn’t turn out so well.” She winced as her creation ripped out a tree and started sucking on it like a lollipop.
“We have to do something before it destroys the entire town!” shouted Twilight, who looked ready to rush at it, horn blazing. She was suddenly grabbed by the tail from Pinkie Pie.
“Don’t worry, Twilight! I always know what to do in case something like this ever happens,” said Pinkie Pie, who trotted outside and pulled out a bullhorn from who knows where.
Turning the bullhorn on, Pinkie shouted, “Hey Derpy! We got a giant muffin monster in the middle of town and we need your help to get rid of it!”
Twilight Sparkle’s hoof connected with her face. “Of all the ponies she calls for help, she calls Derpy? Why would she call her?! We’re going to need the royal guard or even an army to take care of this thi—”
“Here I come to save the day!” shouted a voice from above.
A large grey blur in the sky slammed into the monster and knocked it back. High above it was the infamous klutzy mailpony, whose crossed eyes were filled with hunger and determination. Diving downward, she shouted, “Muffins!”
She crashed into the monster, and a dust storm kicked up from the struggle between the two. Everypony held their breath as the sounds of the battle echoed across town. Everypony praying that the suicidal pegasus was alright and not being eaten. Only Pinkie Pie looked relaxed, as she ate from her popcorn bag.
Finally, the dust began to settle, and everypony’s mouth dropped at the sight of an unharmed Derpy, eating the remains of the monster. Taking another bite and moaning in delight, she looked around town and asked, “Anypony want some? The chocolate is really good.”
Pinkie happily bounced over for a bite as Princess Luna, Twilight, and the Cakes were left behind, stunned. After some silence, Princess Luna turned to Twilight and said, “Is it always this crazy in your town?”
Twilight sighed and shook her head, “You don’t know the half of it...”
“Hey, guys,” greeted Dash, walking outside with a yawn, not knowing her face was covered with doodles. “Did I miss something?”
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"At least we're not Detrot!"
"... We're not Detrot!"
I wonder if I could sue you for deliberate side-splitting. Definitely one of the funniest fics I've read in a while!
Dude... so much epic.
A couple grammar mistakes, but so much comedy gold.
Celestia wailing like a fat white whale? (I have a fic similiar to this scene, BTW)
The spanking?
MC Luna?
Cup Cake with BOXING GLOVES??
PINKIE PIE???
Dude, I like you.
A word of warning, this chapter (and entire fic while I'm at it) is not to be read in the dead of night while you are trying to be quiet.
Had me laughing the whole way through.
Don't get the Detrot part though. Is that supposed to be the ponified Detroit? I'm English and confused, anyone wanna' help?
1380288
Yes it is. It's sort of an American joke. Detroit is often considered to be the worst city in America. It joke gained popularity in the Parody Movie "The Kentucky Fried Movie"
See below:
1380304 I see... thanks for clearing that up
I got a feeling that Celestia is going to take more than just a few hits from those prank ball guns. Also I predict that everything will get way out of hoof, with Twilight, Luna, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash going Rambo in Canterlot with a matrix style battle with them vs a certain phoenix at the end.
YES!
Get ready for a ball of
*take on sunglasses* pain
YEA!
1380504
no
......
MY SIDES!
That argument!
FOR MUFFINS!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-QxTXhIy7X7k/T48GsSRkTVI/AAAAAAAAmXQ/X29hTESRJgs/s640/168323+-+absurd_res+armor+artist+alsatianvdk+derpy_hooves+muffin+sword+weapon.jpg
1380734
That... is one of the most epic things I've seen today. You get an Intercontinental Championship
psychonoble.com/archives/articles/media/WWF%20Intercontinental.jpg
This is pure comedic genius, many Trollestias were used in writing this story.
This was absolutely hysterical. A few errors here and there that didn't get caught, that I'd be happy to point out for you if you wish, but even with them, I was having difficulty not busting up laughing. As always, absolute gold.
And this is why one does not bake muffins in a microwave oven.
1380734 V-D-K from deviant-art?
1380751
I actually have it as part of my Epic Revolving Pony Desktop Background.
1381206
Yep, it's V-D-K's. Found it on eqd first though.
I love that image
As Princess Celestia sat on her throne, she heard the distinctive noise of shouting outside of her door. Curious, she walked out of the room to see a gigantic red stallion convulsing on the floor and scratching every inch of his body. Celestia sighed and pulled a small bottle out of hammerspace.
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue"
Oh no she didn't...!
Oh, and muffins
Brilliant
"By Faust the dancing."
... Faust...
I see what you did there
This story is so uncanon.
I love it.
1380734 That muffin looks too much like the head of motherbrain. I'm addicted to metroid, I admit it.
Gah, more! More! Loving it.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Holy... I just... WOW.
That was awesome. One of the most entertaining and downright hilarious fanfic I've EVER read. This chapter is just fantastic.
Loved the giant muffin monster, but Celestia spanking Luna has the gold, IMO.
Sweet Celestia, thank you for sharing this!
Giant food monster?
...wha,
..how,
...what the hell just happened?
1380734
You sir win all the internets.
Lot's of win, that line.
Come to think of it, that whole sequence between Celestia and Luna was both funny and surreal.
Mrs. Cake was a boxer?
The Derpy scene. Sweet Celestia, the Derpy scene.
Congratulations, you made my sides hurt.
forgottenflix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Guess-I-picked-the-wrong-week-to-quit-sniffing-glue....jpg
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
I suspect you ment "can't".
Pretty sure you meant "an itch".
Luna can't get a break can she, has a prank turned on her, spanked by her sister (Celestia wetting the bed over the age of 100, the scandal!), then creating another monster to attack Ponyville. When Luna was getting spanked my mind whispered, "Kill Celestia." Which of coarse I stated was impossible, she is fictitious. The response, "Try anyway" seems to indicate my mind did not care for logic at that point in time.
All I can say is
SO AWESOME
Keep it up this chapter had me laughing way to loud.
>>>Admittedly, she was a bit worried when she saw the moon replaced with a giant disco ball—which caused her to quickly check on a certain still-stone draconequus...>>>
Coincidentally, at the very moment, the self-same petrified chaos god was in the middle of figuratively kicking himself, "Turning the moon into a disco ball! WHY THE BUCK DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!?!"
>>>Twilight glared at a nervous and sweating Dash. “Rarity’s wedding day?”>>>
In the library, dusting the shelves as usual, Spike suddenly felt a rush of warmth and hope flow through him, as if fate had cast open the gates that barred him from his dream come true. "Rarity WILL be mine!" he declared as manliness surged within him and bristling facial hair burst forth.
SO. MANY. LOLZ.
I'm laughing in the middle of my school library and everyone's looking at me like i'm psycho.
Rainbow just had an encounter with a Jigglypuff!
Also, Luna's "disguise" was probably the most hilarious thing ever.
And... did we just get a glimpse of (for lack of a better term (fanmade or otherwise)) Nightmare Sun?
Took me a while to get to this one, but the best thing in the story so far was the Mighty Derpy quote. I read that in the manliest voice ever.
OMG why do my sides hurt?!
"Magic of the highest caliber could be felt in the air as ancient spells clashed against one another. Storms of shadows and flames of fire could be seen flickering out of the cracks of the door, which miraculously still stood despite the punishment it was taking."
(In the Cortana voice) This is how the world ends.
Okay first Twilight dreams of she and Star Swirl having intercourse? He's like Granny Smith old no offense to her.
Second Gangsta Luna! *YES!* chants.
Only one acronym can possibly describe this chapter;
LOL
Just the average day in Ponyville...
LOL
This story gets funnier and better as it goes on xD dem references
body odor you mean?
This is one of the most epic fics i've ever read. Favoriting.
It's butt, not plot
3986004
plot makes more sense dumbass