Chapter 10
Palace Perils
By The Rated Ponystar
Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, Adjudicator, and Clavier
Edited by: Wil_I_Zin and Unnamed Pawn
This chapter is dedicated Mrs. Ashley Hugbees of Fullers Earth, Arizona, because we like saying the word, “Hugbees”. Go on. Try it. Hugbees.
***
After a few tries during which Luna had been turned into an elephant, set on fire again (and meeting an annoyed goddess twice), dressed in a S&M suit, spoken backwards, and more, she was finally set back in to her own size. Well, the size of a phoenix at least.
Luna sighed in relief as she glared at Philomena, who was looking at her glowing horn with pride. “Told you I would get it right.”
“And it only took you thirty tries. Half of which killed me,” muttered Luna, who she was sure now had a one way ticket to tartarus waiting for her for wasting Faust’s time.
A flash of light blinded the two for a moment before it faded and revealed a very angry Twilight Sparkle. “Okay! That’s enough! I have had enough of you two trying to prank each other and causing ruin to the entire city!”
“Oh, come on! We haven’t done that much damage,” said Philomena as a building crumbled behind her. Thankfully, it was in the abandoned warehouse district. “Okay, so maybe this place needs a bit of repair, but it would have been a lot worse if me and Luna didn’t save the day.”
“Save the day?! You almost ended it! The freaking moon was about to collide with the planet!” grilled Twilight, her mane starting to come apart from it’s usual well cleaned style and into something a mad scientist would be seen with.
“... ok that might have been a disaster, but it didn’t happen,” said a blushing Philomena. “Besides, Luna and I are cool now. Our prank war is over.”
“The prank war is over, but we are far from cool,” muttered Luna, perching herself onto Philomena’s shoulder.
“What?” shouted Philomena, eyes widened. “But we saved the city, and the world! Doesn’t that make us best friends or something?” She pointed to Twilight.”I mean it worked for her and her group of buddies. How else would a scaredy cat card carrying member of PETA, a stereotypical southern valley girl who's clearly a lesbian, a fashion designer who obviously drinks at night, a speedy daredevil who wants everypony to kiss her flank, and the biggest psychological mess who hasn’t, by some miracle, become a serial killer yet be friends with a shut-in bookworm who has fantasies of her own mentor?”
“You can’t prove I wrote those love stories of me and Princess Celestia on a deserted island!” shouted Twilight in a panic. Her pupils shrank as both Luna and Philomena stared at her for a long, silent moment.
“A-a-anyway,” said Luna, deciding to file this away for future blackmail material. “We’re still not cool because you killed Mr. Socko!”
“Who?” asked Philomena, tilting her head.
“My sock!” shouted Luna, turning read in the face.
Philomena’s eyes widened in realization. “Ohhhh! That sock puppet of yours. Well, what do you want me to do about it? Buy you a new sock?”
“Well... yes...”
“Oh... okay. Sure.”
“Really?” said a surprised Luna. “That’s it?”
“Well, duh,” said Philomena, rolling her eyes. “It’s just a sock. If getting a replacement was all that was needed you should have asked.”
“Oh,” said Luna before smiling. “Thank you.”
A long silence followed.
Twilight’s eyes twitched. “You mean to tell me. All this chaos. This madness. All would have been avoided if you had told her to simply.... buy you... a new sock?”
“Yeah, I know. Kind of seems silly now, huh?” asked Luna with a chuckle.
***
Obi-wan Kenobi watched as his former padawan’s son continued on training with the lightsaber Luke’s father once owned. He sighed, remembering the days of how his once best friend in the world started using it when he was half the age Luke was now. Such times were of the past, a time when there were more Jedi Knights. A time before the pupil he had believed to be the chosen one, to restore peace and balance, turned into a twisted monster that caused the galaxy to fail into darkness.
But the boy was their hope. Their last hope. Just as soon as they got to Alderaan they could...
That’s when he sensed it. A sudden painful shock wave in the force itself. Noticing the distress upon his face, Luke walked over to his mentor and asked if he was okay.
“I don’t know. I felt a disturbance in the force. A great terrible rage erupting as two souls screamed ‘oh shit’, before they were met with great agony. Their screams echoed across the galaxy, and then there was silence. Followed by only one word.”
“What word, Ben?”
“Ow.”
***
After being nearly obliterated by a pissed purple unicorn, a smoking Luna and Philomena were dragged back to the castle grounds by Twilight. She hummed happily to herself now that most of her rage was gone as she skipped through the streets. Ponies who saw this were ready to question what was going on, but between the insanity that had been going on in the last few hours, ponies decided to just ignore it.
Once the trio reached the castle, however, the three of them noticed a change in the castle’s atmosphere and decoration. Black banners were hung along with large funeral wreaths outside of the gates with lit candles. Guards were wearing black armor while some were openly crying. A large picture of Celestia could be been in the center front wall of the castle with the words “We Will Miss You” written below.
“What’s going on? Did somepony die or something?” asked Philomena as she looked around, slowly getting up.
The three decided to ask a nearby guard who was blowing his nose. “Excuse me?” asked Twilight, spooking the guard. “Could you tell me what has happened?”
The guard sniffed and saluted to them. “Princess Luna, Philomena, and Royal Student Twilight Sparkle. You all have my sympathies for your loss. Princess Celestia was a great ruler, and we shall miss her very much.”
“W-what?! Why are you making it sound like my sis-I mean owner is dead?” asked Luna, flying up to his face.
Although a bit surprised by the sight of a talking phoenix, he recovered his wits and sighed. “Princess... Princess Celestia is dead. She fell and... well...” Horrified looks decorated their faces as their hearts stopped momentarily one by one upon hearing the news. “They don’t know if it was an accident or suicide... but she... she...”
The three had already been teleported by Twilight before he could finish.
***
Upon teleporting into Celestia’s room, the three gave a gasp of horror as they stared at the scene before them. Celestia lay on her bed, dressed in a pure white funeral gown with a golden sun shining in the middle while a black veil covered her peaceful looking face. Her hooves were placed over her chest, holding lilies with a golden rose in the center of the bouquet she held. Surrounding her bed were hundreds of rose petals all spread around to help the smell of fresh spring cover the room.
Twilight instantly fell to her knees and cried, “No... no this can’t be happening!”
“Sister!” shouted Luna, crying out as she flew to her sister’s side and touched her cold face. With tears in her eyes, she nuzzled Celestia’s cheek. “Oh, Tia. Why? Why did you leave me?”
“Master!” cried out Philomena, placing her hooves on Celestia’s and shaking her. “Wake up! You have to wake up! I don’t want to be alone again! I don’t care if you scold me or don’t love me anymore! Please wake up!”
But nothing worked. Celestia was as still as a doornail.
Luna bowed her head. “Philomena, she loved you. Don’t say such a thing.”
“But she... and you...” whispered Philomena, looking ready to crumble right there.
“We were both loved by her,” whispered Luna, shaking her head. “And yet her last memory of us in this world will always be us fighting over stupid pranks. If I could just tell her how sorry I was for the past few days...”
“Yeah... me too...” muttered Philomena. She leaned over her master’s face and a tear dropped from her eye onto Celestia’s cheek. “She’s so peaceful. As if she was just asleep...”
“SSSSNNNNOOOOORREEEE!”
The three of them went bug eyed as they saw Princess Celestia unleash another loud snore that had to have been so loud the real dead could have heard it. “Wait, what?” asked Luna, who was confused. “Tia is still alive? But why does everypony think she is dead?”
“Uh, we might have been responsible for that.”
They turned around to see a nervously smiling Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash waving at them.
***
Officer Blues had seen a lot of strange ponies in his job on the force for about thirteen years, but this dentist pony he had in his interrogation room was the strangest yet. Looking at his notes of the suspects testimony, he cleared his throat. “So, Miss Colgate, you say that the ice cream factory was actually a cover up for an evil cow scientist?”
“Yup,” said Colgate, smiling.
“Where he was planning to sell mind controlling ice cream to control the masses... and rule the world?”
“And ruin the teeth of all good ponies everywhere. That’s more important.”
“Right,” he shook his head and continued reading. “You then claim that a... secret agent alligator who can talk then attacked the evil cow scientist while you, and your friends, sabotaged the factory?”
“Correct!”
“And how does the giant ice cream cat come into play?”
“Oh, I threw a cat over into a vat of ice cream while a few chemicals got inside the mixture and turned her into that.”
Officer Blues leaned back and looked at her with horror.
“What?” asked Colgate, tilting her head. “It’s all true. I’m sure my friends have supported my story.”
The officer looked at his notepad of the other four friends of hers.
Cheerilee: She’s insane.
Lyra: Lock her in an asylum.
Bon Bon: Bitch be crazy.
Berry Punch: I’d rather be sober forever then deal with her again.
“Yes... well, Miss Colgate, we have a very special place for you. You like the color white?” asked the officer.
“Oh, I do! Reminds me of toothpaste!”
***
“.. and so everypony thinks Princess Celestia is dead,” finished Dash.
Philomena chuckled a bit upon hearing the story, but was soon silenced by a glare from both Luna and Twilight. “What? You have to admit it’s funny in a somewhat morbid way.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, we need to do damage control and fast. If word spreads about Princess Celestia’s supposed death we’ll have chaos on our hooves. Especially, if she wakes up and ponies start to panic.”
“I’m surprised she’s still asleep! Man, those red pellets did their work,” said Rainbow Dash with pride in her voice.
“Aw, but what about the funeral party I’ve been planning,” pouted Pinkie Pie. “I even got Maretallica to play for it.”
“Why would you hire a metal band for a funeral?” asked Philomena, raising her eyebrow.
“Who wouldn’t want a metal band for their funeral?” asked Pinkie and Dash as the same time.
“Pinkie! Princess Celestia isn’t dead! She’s just asleep, and we need to wake her up!” Twilight shook her head and sighed. “I didn’t want to do this, but we have no choice but to go to the Secret Arcane Spells Wing for a spell powerful enough to wake up Princess Celestia. Either by waking up her mind or by canceling the sleeping powder’s effect.”
Luna looked alarmed, “But how are we going to get in there? You need an alicorn’s horn to open those locks, not to mention that there are barriers that prevent anypony other then my sister and I from entering. I’m a phoenix, so I can’t get in!”
“You may be a phoenix, but Philomena is in your body,” said Twilight, pointing to said bird in an alicorn’s body.
“You’re going to trust her to find a spell to wake up, Celestia? Twilight, she almost brought my moon upon us all!” shouted Luna, slapping her head.
“Hey, I’m getting use to your magic! I can do it!” said a smiling Philomena, flaring out her wings.
“Look, like it or not, Philomena is the only one who can get in. We’re gonna have to just hope she can pull it off,” said Twilight.
“For those of us who are not magical eggheads, could you tell us exactly what this secret magic stuff is?” asked Rainbow Dash, crossing her arms and looking completely lost on the subject.
“The spells are some of the most powerful kinds of magic ever produced, but also some of the most wild. There are spells that are even said to doom the world if used in the wrong hooves,” explained Twilight, going into lecture mode much to Rainbow Dash’s disapointment. “Princess Celestia sealed them in a location in the castle that only she and Princess Luna can access because of the dangers of those spells. They are only to be used in an emergency, or as a last resort.”
“So, BFG’s pretty much?” simplified Rainbow Dash.
Twilight sighed, rolling her eyes. “Yes, Dash. BFG’s.”
“When was the last time a spell from that area was ever used?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Well...” they all turned to Philomena who was rubbing the back of her neck with a snicker. “That would be around a hundred and sixty years ago...”
***
“You turned all the flutterponies into love sucking parasites?!” screamed a unicorn with a white mane and beard, he was dressed in a dark green robe and looked to be turning pale. “Why on earth would do that?! Queen Chrysalis and her kind have been our allies for years! We fought wars together! Why would you condemn them to such a cruel fate and make them most likely plan revenge against us in the future?!”
Celestia, steaming with anger on her throne, muttered, “She’s bragged about how much thinner her butt was than mine...”
***
The four just stared at Philomena who was chuckling at the memory. Dash turned to a twitching Twilight and said, “Dude, your mentor has issues.”
Twilight decided to put this new information into the “Do Not Open To Stay Sane” folder in her mind and shook her head. “Look, Philomena just go open the doors, and search for a spell with Luna. We’ll watch over Princess Celestia and make sure nothing bad happens to her... again...”
A knock on the door alerted them of a new presence at the door and Twilight opened it. Three middle aged unicorns in top hats, monocles, and tuxedos walked in, levitating a giant black wooden casket. The leader, the one with a mustache, bowed. “Good evening, we’re here to take the body of the recently deceased, whoever that may be, for casket measurements and decoration.”
“Ummm,” Twilight looked over at Princess Celestia, who gave out another loud snore, and nervously chuckled. “W-well, you see good sir, the fact is Princess Celestia is not dead. It’s a big misunderstanding.”
“Understanding or not, Madam, we were paid to prepare a casket for a dead pony and we are not leaving until we have one,” said the leader, staring at her sternly.
Twilight was about to reply when Rainbow Dash pushed her out of the way. “Let me handle this...” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat before she gave out a cry and clenched her chest. “Ugh! I’m having a heart attack! Ack! Ehhh! Guhhh!” She swayed back and forth, holding her chest as she coughed and hacked. “Oh woe is me to have died so young and awesome! Tell my friends I loved them! Tell the Wonderbolts I should have been in them! Tell Scootaloo... she was a creepy stalker, and to stay away from my funeral! Blah!” Rainbow Dash gave one last cry before she fell onto her back with her four legs limping in the air while her tongue hanged out.
The casket makers looked at the “dead” body before looking at each other and shrugged. “Eh, good enough for us.” They picked up Dash and placed her in the casket before sealing it shut and walking out.
“Should we go after them?” asked Luna.
“Nah, Dashie’s got it covered. Wouldn’t be the first time she faked her death,” said Pinkie Pie with a smile. “Why, just last month she pretend to have been murdered by a serial killer to avoid Twilight’s book club meeting.”
“I got revenge though,” whispered Twilight, smiling evilishly. “I forced her to read Atlas Shrugged.”
Philomena and Luna shivered.
“Anyway, let’s get going. Come on Moonbutt,” said Philomena, exiting the room.
“Technically, your ‘Moonbutt’ since that’s my butt you happen to be using,” countered Luna as she followed.
“Aw, they’re such great friends,” said Pinkie Pie while Twilight stared at her with a raised eyebrow.
***
Guided by Luna, Philomena was forced to pretend to look sad and receive numerous sympathies from everypony they passed in the castle. Eventually, they reached the throne room and walked behind the throne itself where a small keyhole, fit for an alicorn horn, was right on the wall. Philomena lowered her head and carefully positioned her large alicorn horn towards the hole before she stopped. Standing straight up she looked at Luna with a raised eyebrow. “You know, in a different context, this could be considered very sexual.”
“Just put your horn in the hole already, make sure to give it a good twist,” muttered Luna, rolling her eyes.
“Just keep proving my point, Luna,” muttered Philomena as she proceeded to lower her horn. She felt the keys mechanisms against the giant rod on her head and slowly twisted her head to the left, the hole tightening with each push.
The sound of a lock opening echoed from inside the wall as a small section of it glowed bright purple before it began to slide open. Taking out her horn, Philomena turned to Luna and said, “Aren’t you coming?”
Shaking her head, Luna answered, “I can’t. There are runes that will shock anypony who is not my sister or me with power greater than ten times that of a lighting dragon’s breath attack. I would be vaporized in an instant, and I have no interest in meeting Faust again.”
“Guess it’s up to me. What kind of spells should I be looking for,” asked Philomena as she made her way towards the entrance.
“Anything that will wake up a pony from dreams, sleep, or near death. Revive spells might be a good idea,” said Luna.
“You actually have spells for waking people up from everlasting sleep?” asked Philomena, eyebrows raised.
“Hey, it happens to princesses more often than you might think. We always have to be prepared,” replied Luna, blushing as she thought about princesses she personally knew from long ago who were trapped in sleep for years. Pour Princess White. After she woke up she had apples outlawed, and every apple farmer in her kingdom put to the torch on charges of black magic. If I remember correctly, I think that’s what caused the Apple Family to move here in the first place.
“Don’t worry, I got this!” shouted Philomena as she entered the passageway. “Wow, this sure is a steep set of stairs. I wonder how far they goooooOOOO!” The sound of multiple thuds echoed as Luna winced with each crash. “Ow! Ohh! Augh! Damn! Ugh! Ehh! Son! Ow! Of! Gah! A! Ugh! Bit-eek! Gah!”
Luna tried to remember how many stairs there were leading down into the hidden library below. I think... two thousand, three hundred, and sixty two. You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was my body she was using, I’d find this funny.
**2,362 cries of pain and curses later***
“Ugh! Crap! Aaa! Ugh! Blah!” cried out Philomena as she reached the final step and landed face first, rump in the air. “I... miss... flying...”
Getting up-and spitting out a few loose teeth while doing so-Philomena looked around and her eyes widened at the sight before her. She had previously thought the Canterlot Library was big, but this was a whole other scale. Millions of books on shelves five times higher than the average Equestrian house were in dozens of hallways that seemed to go on forever. Blue burning torches lit the underground cavern that might as well have been a labyrinth. How the hay am I going to find anything in here? Well, might as well take a look.
Picking a random direction, she veered right and headed down the passageway, glancing at the books and their categories that were named in golden lettering. Rune Magic. Blood Magic. Soul Magic. White Magic. Black Magic. Red Magic. Rainbow Magic. Magic the Gathering. Magic for Dummies. Reading Magic for Dummies for Dummies. Apocalypse Magic. Rhyming Magic. Chaos Magic. Order Magic. Neutral Magic. Chaotic Orderly Neutral Magic. How many magics are there in this world?!
She then saw a shelf that said “Miscellaneous and Unshelved books” and shrugged. “Might as well start there.” Walking over she picked a few books and read some of them. “My Little Pony Tales? Sounds like crap.” She tossed it over her head. “Death Note? Whoever's name is entered into this notebook shall die?” She slowly raised her head, her mind thinking of various possibilities. She then shook her head. “Nah, doesn’t sound cool. It will never catch on.” She threw that one away. Next was a blank book that had no title.
Curious, she opened it, but found no words on the page. She was about to close it when the page began to slowly take shape. Her eyes widened as a face appeared on the book and looked directly at her. Opening it’s mouth it screamed, “DRINK MORE OVALTINE!”
And then it went back into the book. Philomena stood still for a bit before she quickly tossed it aside. However, the next book looked promising. It had a little dust on the end, but the cover was clear as day. “101 Ways to Bring Back Those From Eternal Rest,” read Philomena, smiling. “There we go! This will wake Celestia up!”
She opened the book and began to read page after page until she came upon one method that looked easy enough for her to pull off. “Okay, just focus on thinking about a daisy rising from the dirt and spreading it’s petals on the morning dawn. Then think about taking a fresh breath of air as you inhale life for the first time in ages. Think about this, and combine with the darkest, evilest, and notorious emotions you have ever felt in life.” Philomena rubbed her chin. “So all the times I read anything by Frank Marer like All-Star Mare-Do-Well and Holy Horror? Easy.”
She followed each instruction in her mind as her horn began to glow a sinister black and dark green. The sound of wails and terror began to echo around her and the very air surrounding her began to turn cold and crystallize. An upside down pentagram appeared below her figure, written in dark red as flames began to erupt from the star itself. Philomena didn’t see any of this as she had her eyes closed. Finally, unable to hold it anymore, she unleashed the magic with a loud cry as a ring of energy erupted from her horn. It escaped through the barriers, protections, and rocks of the hidden chamber. Spreading all through Canterlot without anypony the wiser for it went faster than that of a flap of a hummingbird's wing.
Opening her eyes, Philomena looked around to see if she had done the spell right, but the effects were all gone the moments he raised her eyelids. Scratching her head, she closed the book and walked back towards the stairs. This time she was using her wings.
***
Luna didn’t know why, but she had a dark feeling something bad had just happened. Like seriously bad. All socks being thrown into a furnace bad. Blueblood as ruler of Equestria bad. Pacing in worry, she almost missed seeing Philomena walk out of the entrance.
“So did it work? Is Celestia up?” asked Philomena with a smile.
“Not that I know off. Why did you cast something?” asked Luna with a suspicious glance. Philomena showed her the book and instantly all color in Luna’s face left her. So shocked was she that if she was a chicken instead of a phoenix she would have laid an egg right then and there. Grabbing the book, she growled and smacked it against Philomena’s head. “Idiot! Do you not know what this is?!”
“Ow! It’s just some wake up book, right?!” yelled Philomena.
Luna sighed as she brushed off the remaining dust and showed the spell caster what it was she casted. Philomena’s eyes winded as she read the full title.
“101 Ways to Bring Back Those From Eternal Rest. A Beginner's Guide to Becoming A Necromancer!”
“... oh...”
***
Greenhoof sighed as he patted the last of the graves of some poor deceased soul who found himself on the wrong end of a train track. Poor stallion had no family for the funeral so they just went up and buried him right then and there in one of the two hundred cemeteries of Canterlot. Not to mention the thousand miles of catacombs and tombs for the ancient and noble families that housed hundreds of bodies.
Scrapping away the last of the dirt, Greenhoof bid the poor grave a good afterlife before he began to march his way down the path. Suddenly, he heard rumbling felt his hooves shake from the earth. The sound of something rising from below reached his ears as he turned around and gasped.
From the grave he had just finished digging, a decaying hoof rose from the dirt. Followed it was the whole copse itself, rotten, bloody, and dead.
Or, to be perfectly accurate, undead.
Greenhoof gasped even louder as he saw every grave of every poor dead soul in this graveyard rising from their eternal rest, even from the large stone tombs. They all moaned and made their way down towards the streets of Canterlot, an entire army of zombies.
But that wasn’t the worst of it all.
“Dagnabit! Now I gotta fill up all these holes!” cursed Greenhoof as he began to shovel more dirt into the nearest grave.
Yup! Zombie Time!
Yeah, I have no idea where I'm going with this anymore
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Starting off with a Freakazoid reference, eh?
We went from My Little Pony to The Trotting Dead.
When will this hilarity end!?
Its a good job Twilightused up her galactic shifting attack on Luna and Philomena, cos if she had gone on Pinke and Dash we wouldve seen a mysterious outbreak of flying rocket powered hot dog stands.
Hope this is more Shaun the Sheep, than Shaun Of the Dead.
And not the fact that the world is about to end from a zombie apocalypse where a hot couple that people will cheer for for no good reason, or a crazy conspiracy theorist that people will cheer for, or Brad Pitt or the ponified version of Brad Pitt people will cheer for will save the day in the end.
Oh and thriller.
MICHAEL JACKSON FOREVER!
THRILLER!
We need a metal band, for the Zombie Rawk Machine (created by Lordi) has been activated. Let the Arockalypse begin!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA! My plan is working perfectly! Soon I will be-eh? Are you reading my mind? GET AWAY FROM ME!
I don't care where this goes, keep it going for as long as you can!
“but the effects were all gone the moments he raised her eyelids” – I guess a s is missing here
.
The lack of an anthro tag perplexes me so.
Name: Philomena
Time of death: 12:00 AM
Cause of death: Driven insane by listening to the following song on loop:
Additional details: Death reoccurs after every rebirth
Also, zombies eh? Oh yes... this pleases His Grace.
And Twilight confirmed for worst, most evil, vile, wretched, twisted, pony ever.
Also... I have no idea what's going on any more, this makes no sense, is just so utterly random...... And I freaking LOVE IT! Keep this ride going.
5761422 Captain, im afraid that scans show no sign of an end. what do you recommend we do?
I would like to add this to the group Chaos is Order.
May I?
Perfect.
Wait, you were going somewhere with this at some point?
... and I lost it.
Very good work!
I hope the story continues!
6225318
No but they are alike
This is cancelled? So sad. I've being reading this story since I've joined this site years ago. Can you end this story in a one chapter? There are not so many loose ends left.
6225565
Dammit, I just found this, and now its over. Please, just one more chapter? This needs a finish. It doesn't have to be epic.
I do understand the difficulty of putting up new chapters, though. (Ive got a backlog of chapters on hand because I'm missing an important detail for chapter eight or nine...)
*sees story is cancelled*
Well, at least you let us know not to expect any more. Was fun while it lasted.
7469508
Why did you cancel this? it sounds intriguing.
9266974
Burned out
9266974
Why did you send that to me...? I'm not the author, and my last comment was more than two years ago (god, how time has flown...)
9266976
Huh?
9267012
You're telling me