It's really uncomfortable on so many levels.
"Let's go over this one more time," said Princess Cadance of the Restored Crystal Empire, striding toward the artistic gap in the crystal that served in the office of window, letting much-needed light and warmth into the room. "National defense?"
Shining Armor sighed, crumpling a sheet of scratch paper and telekinetically tossing it into a nearby wastebasket. "Honey, we've been through this. Even with my ability to shield us from physical danger, your ability to stave off Sombra's remnants, and the Crystal Heart driving back the windigos, we can't afford any more cuts to the Crystal Guard. We're strapped as it is."
"Crystalberry farm subsidies?"
"Domestic consumption is good, but we're not exporting enough to throw this completely on the free market. The Council has been promoting recipe ideas to the Heartland but there's still this misconception out there that ponies'll chip a tooth on them or something."
"Hm," said Cadance, staring out at the gleaming city that surrounded the castle. "Any other ideas?"
"Well, there's the matter of ongoing legal fees. We could reach a settlement on Crystal Empire v. Limestone Pie, for instance."
"Absolutely not," Cadance replied, bristling slightly. "The Empire will not be bullied by private citizens exploiting loopholes in the Equestrian F.S.I.A. It's ridiculous! To think you can say that the Empire is to blame for a rising commercial interest in sparkly stones! Ponies have loved sparkly stones since the Founding. Aunty Celestia will have to see our side of things."
"Well, I'm at a loss," said Shining Armor. "Unless you want to weight the other side of the books and institute taxation."
Cadance looked wistful. "I'd hate to do that. I so liked the idea of a government run exclusively upon charitable donations. But I have to show Aunty Celestia a balanced budget at the Princess Summit. I just have to!" The Crystal Princess rested her elbows on the edge of window and sighed, a bit sullenly. "Is there any other way around it?"
Shining shuffled the papers in front of him, trying to buy time.
"Well," he said, his mouth dry, "what about your Official Princess Harem of Imported Humans from Another World?"
Cadance stiffened. Clouds billowed up at the edge of the Empire. A light snow began to fall.
"Out of the question," said Cadance.
"Are you sure? It would more than pay for our shortfall. Even just... scaling it back a little?"
"Shining Armor! I refuse to disappoint my princess harem!"
"Honey, they aren't even here yet," said Shining, in his best placating voice. He wasn't fond of the idea of spending a night on the Crystal Couch, but some things just had to be said. "They won't know enough to be disappointed. We could return some of the solid gold fainting-couches and repurpose the chocolate fountain. I tried one of those diamond-studded mattresses for a second—they're actually pretty uncomfortable—and I'm not sure the giraffes even like it here. That was before you dressed them as stevedores, incidentally."
"When my Official Princess Harem arrives through that mirror, they will be treated to the finest surroundings Equestria has to offer. The. Finest."
"Yes, but, how does a 'sherbet hot tub' even work? Isn't that, like... a problem? In one direction or another?"
"Obviously, we'll need to keep feeding sherbet into it," said Cadance, turning around. Her mascara was starting to run. "I mean... that makes sense, right?"
"Honey," said Shining Armor, looking deeply into her eyes.
Cadance sagged.
She shuffled back over to Shining and leaned into him. "Oh, Shiny. This silly of us, isn't it? Fighting over a simple thing like ceremonially convincing a bunch of strange bipedal apes to cross the mind-bending phlogistonic void between worlds, shedding their birth forms in doing so, only to hold them prisoner here in opulent luxury and make hot love to them?"
"When you put it that way," said Shining, "no. Actually, it sounds like a pretty un-silly thing to fight about. To tell you the absolute truth, I feel a little awkward about the whole situation. And by 'a little,' I mean, 'a lot.' A lot awkward. I mean, I'm still on board, but..."
"Maybe you'll end up liking it," said Cadance, hopefully. "I mean, some husbands really enjoy the thought of their wives going at it."
"I'm sorry. I'm just not that big on cuckolding."
"It doesn't have to be cuckolding! It could be hotwife!"
Shining frowned. "Is one of them, um, not you making out with other ponies?"
"Dear, do I really have to explain the difference between cuckolding and hotwife to you?"
"Of course not," said Shining, making a mental note to figure out what in Tartarus his wife was talking about at his earliest convenience. "Just, um, lightening the mood a little."
"I'm really sorry this is awkward for you," she said, squeezing him tight. "If you want me to call it off..."
"No, it's okay. The most important thing here is letting you experience something you really want."
"Heh." Cadance's wiggled out of Shining's space and sat up. "Funny you should say that..."
There was a brief moment of silence as Shining Armor processed.
"So, wait, you don't actually want this?"
"It's Aunty Celestia!" cried Cadance, sitting back on her haunches and throwing her forelegs wide. "From the moment she first brought me to Canterlot, she's gone on and on about all the qualities that make a good princess! Things like..." Cadance started ticking off points on her hooves, which actually didn't work very well so it's best not to think too much about it. "...like poise! Dignity! Compassion! And, most importantly, having a really top-quality harem filled with humans that you've transmogrified into ponies and then incarcerated in an environment of absolute sensual pleasure! It is the single most important standard by which Equestrian princesses are judged! In fact, it was one of the first things that Aunty Celestia set up for Aunty Luna when she returned from the moon, and now that I have an empire of my own it's my turn with the mirror, and it's really important to Aunty Celestia that I do this and I absolutely refuse to disappoint her!"
Cadance took a moment to get her breath under control with one of her anchor-the-calm-state hoof-gestures. Shining saw an opening and took it.
"It seems to me," he said, "that you have some unresolved issues from spending your adolescence under Princess Celestia."
"Yes! It's because I spent my adolescence under Princess Celestia! Q.E.D.! What do you expect?"
"We've got our own empire here," said Shining Armor. "I can't think of a better excuse to break from Equestrian tradition, if it's chafing you so much."
"Yes," said Cadance. "I want to discuss this. I really do. I'll put it first on the list, right after we get done showing Aunty Celestia my pristine and irreproachable Official Equestrian Princess Harem, filled with kidnapped humans."
In Shining Armor's eyes, this was better than nothing. "Fine. I keep meaning to ask you—what even is a 'human,' anyway? What do they even do?"
Cadance crossed again to the window. "First of all, you must understand that none of us have ever been over there. So, we don't really know. After they re-achieve basic motor or telekinetic control, some of them are able to draw us pictures of what they used to look like, and it turns out that they're really unattractive skinny monkeys who go around wearing huge boots for some reason. Personally, I'd think being changed into proper ponies would come as something of a relief to them."
"Huh," said Shining Armor, who was trying to imagine monkeys wearing large boots and not quite getting the picture to work.
"As for what they do, well, as far as we can tell they mostly just sit around playing a boring game called 'Internet,' until they hear our Official Princess-Harem Summoning Song. We sing it every night for a week before the mirror-portal is scheduled to open, and when it finally does, we yank them through. The portal does all the work of turning them into ponies, and voilà! Instant harem."
"And this, um, song...?"
"Summons a group of harem-monkeys ideally suited for the temperament of each individual princess, yes. The first recitation of my harem-summoning song has to take place this evening." She smiled. "Would you like to join me in front of the mirror for it?"
"Is it, um, really embarrassing?"
"Not at all. It's actually a very ancient, very distinguished alicorn chant. It predates the founding of Equestria. Want to hear it? There's no harm in my rehearsing it a little before nightfall."
"Dear," said Shining Armor, "I would love to hear your Official Princess Harem-Summoning Song."
Cadance nodded a bit nervously. "Okay. Here goes."
With that, the Crystal Princess raised a hoof heavenward and sang the hymn of the ancient alicorns. Her voice rang out sweet, clear, and achingly delicate, forming itself into words celebrating love's ancient power to mend wounds and cross divides. It was simultaneously ephemeral and primal, visceral and transcendent, a song of the ancient world rarely experienced by mortal ponies. It was, in Shining Armor's opinion, the most beautiful music he had ever heard.
When it was over, when his wife's voice had faded to silence, he wiped away the tears that trembled at the edge of his eyes.
Cadance blushed. "You liked it?"
"Cadance, that was beautiful."
He paused.
"Just one question, though—what exactly is 'sexual healing'?"
Shining Armor rapped on the door of the Official Princess Harem Chambers. Preparations for the Princess Summit were in full swing, and Shining had been taking the lion's share of the organizational duties upon himself. This was half attributable to panic, and half to his family's predisposition for fussy organization (complete with occasional bouts of mad panic). Whatever the reason, Shining rose to the task of taking some administrative duties off his wife's overstressed shoulders as she finally assembled her harem. Today was the day! And just in time, too. Had the mirror portal opened just one day later, Cadance would not have a fully-stocked Official Princess Harem for Celestia to admire. Sure, all the trappings had been laid out, but what was an Official Princess Harem without... well, a harem? A mere Official Princess Seraglio, that's what, Shining decided.
"Honey?" called Shining, through the door. "How're things going in there? Are you..."
Shining paused, and swallowed away the anxious lump in his throat.
"...busy?" he croaked.
Shining let out a tiny sigh of relief when his wife responded promptly, her voice blessedly free of breathy moaning, needy cooing or sultry, lust-soaked groans. "Be there in a minute, dear!" she said, in the sing-songy, matter-of-fact tones she used while she was in the middle of utterly failing to make something for dinner, seven minutes in advance of giving up and commanding the castle staff to prepare them a pizza instead.
"Just letting you know, Their Royal Highnesses Celestia and Luna are coming on the midday train, and we're expecting the Bearers of the Elements this evening. I don't mean to, um, interrupt."
"It's fine, Shiny. Would you care to come in and meet my Official Princess Harem?"
"No, it's fine!" Shining replied, far too quickly. "I trust you and all the stallions in there have things pretty well, um..."
Shining felt the word slipping out of his throat but was powerless to stop it. "...covered," he said, wincing profoundly.
"Well," said Cadance, "funny thing! Apparently my ideal princess harem doesn't... have any stallions in it."
Celestia and Luna damn it all to Tartarus, thought Shining, as he banged his horn quietly against the doorpost. "That's fine!" he shouted. "Perfectly fine! I'll just go take one last look at the summit preparations while you clean up all the, um..."
i don't know how this works I don't even know how this works nothing in my life has prepared me for this maybe twiley can recommend a book for me when she gets here wait no that would be like eight times worse
"Plastic wrap!" he shouted, spasmodically. "I should go."
"They're actually, ah, very insistent on meeting you," said Cadance, after a moment.
Shining blinked. Curiosity got the better of him, and he pushed open the door.
"Well, finally, the 'prince' in this matter shows his face," came an imperious Mid-Trotlantic voice that had its source in a sour-looking gray mare with a pronounced overbite. "I must say, I am extremely disheartened by the first blush of this 'harem' business. When I am summoned by a mysterious and ethereal voice to some random secondary school and told to arrive at eight o'clock in the morning, I expect paranormal manifestations to begin precisely at eight. Did you have anything to do with that, Prince What's-Your-Name?"
"I'm afraid it's all on me, Ms. Hemline," said Cadance, looking distraught. "I was so busy straightening the stevedore caps on the giraffes that I lost track of time."
"Well," huffed Ms. Hemline. "I don't suppose there are any other Princess Harems I might be abducted to serve in? Ones with a greater sense of punctuality?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Hemline! I promise you, it won't happen again!"
"Mhm," said Ms. Hemline. "See that it doesn't."
"I would also like to register a complaint!" came an even more abrasive voice from across the opulent crystalline pleasure-dome. This one was attached to a pinched, ice-gray unicorn who appeared to have been thoroughly bleached with any number of harsh chemicals immediately before her arrival. "These sweetmeats are gaudy, ostentatious and cloying. Completely inedible! I do hope you take some pleasure in running this establishment as a hobby venture, but derive what enjoyment you can as quickly as possible. When my review hits the Times, absolutely no one will answer your trans-dimensional summons ever again."
Cadence looked on the verge of tears. "Ms. Gourmand, if the delicacies are not to your liking, we can certainly replace them!"
"Swapping out swill with different swill," sniffed Ms. Gourmand. "No, I what I require is plain mineral water, tepid. Do you think your culinary incompetence will get in the way of that?"
"I'll send servants. Right away."
"Honey," said Shining Armor, out of one corner of his mouth, "can I have a moment of your time?"
"Of course, Shiny," said Cadance. She turned to her harem. "Just a minute, ladies!" she called. Her attempts at reassurance were met with abject, sullen disapproval.
Shining gently led his wife out of sight behind a nearby placidly-ruminating giraffe wearing a ridiculous stevedore hat.
"Hey, Shiny!" said Cadance, grinning maniacally, her eyes darting. "So! Official Princess Harem! Aren't they great? They're so... so..."
Cadance glanced over at the assembled herd of mares, who had apparently, as a group, decided to engage with each other exclusively through disdainful sniffing and passive-aggressive one-upmanship.
"So mature!" she finished.
"Mm hm," said Shining, nodding placidly. "Is that the Equestria Games inspector over there?"
"I do say!" intoned a stern palomino earth pony dressed in a crisp violet blazer, from the other side of the room. "I absolutely cannot display sufficient professionalism without my pants on!"
"Yep! I guess so! Turns out she's got an alternate-universe parallel on the other side of the portal. Who knew?"
"This cannot stand!" bellowed a slate-green alicorn from over by the fruit punch waterfall. "I have serious misgivings about being trapped in a parallel dimension and forced into equine sexual slavery! News of this reaching the outside world will profoundly damage both my own reputation and the reputation of Crrystal Prrep!"
"It'll be fine, Principal Cinch!"
"Honey," said Shining Armor, evenly, "I can't help noticing that your ideal princess harem consists entirely of overbearing and difficult-to-please older female authority figures."
"Really!" said Cadance. "I never noticed that before! That's kind of a funny coincidence, don't you think and stars above Shining, what am I going to do? I just want to keep trying to live up to their lofty expectations over and over again and it is sucking on me like a vampire."
"This is about Celestia again, isn't it?"
"Of course it's about Celestia! It turns out my entire ideal harem is just me trying to not disappoint her, in effigy!" Cadance fumed. "She'll be so disappointed in me!"
"I don't suppose there's any chance you'll be able to work through your deep-seated mother-figure issues in time to summon an entirely new harem? No, right?"
"Shiny, there's no time! Aunty Celestia will be here in less than an hour! Oh, this'll be the worst Official Princess Harem ever!"
"Okay," said Shining. "Well, it's pretty clear to me what we need to do."
"What's that?" asked Cadance, looking piteously up at him.
"Honey, you are the Crystal Princess," he said, telekinetically hoisting a book from his saddlebags and beginning to leaf through it. "It is perfectly within your rights as ruler to institute a clean break from uncomfortable Equestrian sensual traditions and institute all new uncomfortable sensual traditions to torture future generations with."
"What are you looking up?" asked Cadance, craning her neck to get a glance.
"Just an entry in this manual," said Shining. "I checked it out of the restricted section of the Crystal Library when I was trying to figure out what 'hotwife' meant." He continued leafing through the weighty tome, which was actually a bit disingenuous of him. Although he didn't want to look as though he knew the exact page in the book to turn to, the truth was, he knew the exact page in the book to turn to. He had stumbled upon the page in question quite by accident one day in his research, and had continued to stumble across it by accident on about twenty-six different occasions in the days leading up to the summit. Sometimes he would rise soundlessly from the royal bed in the middle of the night, long after Cadance had gone to sleep, whereupon he would creep downstairs and stumble across it by accident all over again.
Shining Armor eventually located the well-worn page. He held it up for his wife to peruse.
There were pictures. Big, color pictures.
Cadance's lips pursed into a little "o," her eyes wide. Somewhere above them, the disinterested giraffe quietly chewed his cud.
"Ooh," said Cadance, eventually.
"Yes," replied Shining Armor. He felt a prickle of sweat on the frogs of his hooves. "I know, right?"
"This..." Cadance began. "This'll cost much less than our current setup! Maybe only two-thirds as much!"
"Obviously my primary concern."
"This'll save enough money to balance our budget! We won't have to institute taxation!"
"Everyone will be pleased," said Shining Armor, diplomatically.
"Will we have time to set it up before Aunty Celestia arrives?"
"We'll at least be able to throw together a working prototype to show her. We can refine it later."
"Shiny," said Cadance, "I am so on board with this plan."
"Great," he said, trying to keep his heart rate under control. "Why don't you cast some sort of memory-modification spell on these, um, distinguished mares and herd them back through the mirror? Then we can just send it back to Canterlot with your aunt. If there are any questions, we can just say that Celestia temporarily sent it here for you to watch over."
"Watch over for what? Why?"
"Hopefully nopony will ask that."
"Okay," said Cadance, with firm resolve. "Let's head down to the vault and get that mirror. Then we can just put it in a closet or something so it'll be all ready to ship back with Aunty Celestia on the first train out."
"You think it'll be safe?"
"I can't imagine what harm'll come from leaving it alone for just one night."
"Right," said Shining, the thunder of blood in his ears drowning out a portion of his better judgment. "Sounds like a plan." The two of them left the crowd of surly, judgmental mares behind them in the middle of a prim, snippy little argument about whether reputation (sorry, "rreputation") was inherently superior to professionalism, or vice-versa. As he escorted his wife out of the pleasure-dome, she leaned into him.
"Oh, Shiny," said Cadance. "This is going to be so much better."
Shining Armor reveled for a moment in his wife's heartbeat, her intoxicating warmth.
"I couldn't agree more." With that, the two of them set off down the hall.
"One thing," said Shining Armor. "Why stevedores, exactly?"
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Oh lordy
Why didn't anyone tell me it was Crackfic Week? I specifically asked for someone to let me know the next time we were going to have a Crackfic Week. And now here it's Crackfic Week, and me without a Crackfic. I feel Crackfic-Naked.
Well, I can fix that. Pegasi killing kittens via wing flapping goes up tomorrow!
I....
...don't even understand. There's a joke here. I'm chuckling. But... there's some part of this I'm not getting, it's funny and I don't know why.
I'm not sure what I expected when you signed up for this slot. I can't say I was disappointed. Glorious madness throughout, especially the subtle bit of setup hiding behind all the ridiculousness. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the contest.
8024632
The question is, can you incorporate a princess of some kind? One of seven kinds, specifically.
“When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse.”
--Catherine the Great
Why Stevedores? Because it's exceedingly difficult to get Walters to love anything, Shining.
...
Of all the things...
8024676
Dude.
Why Stevedores? Why, it couldn't be more obvious.
Their job is to help with shipping.
I love how it just ended up reflecting her desire to please Celestia. That's hilarious.
Oh my god.
I can't stop laughing.
8024743
A very different style of punchline, and possibly a superior one.
8024642
Yeah, I've got no idea either. I mean, the only things we do know is that it's expensive, and Shinning wants it. I like the story regardless, but I really wish I wasn't missing the punchline. Y'know, unless it was really, really creepy. Then it might be a good thing.
8024632
Skywriter, you have done many great things. Making this story, writing in general...But now? You have convinced Estee to visit genocide upon small, cute animals via pegasus wings. God bless you.
8024642
I was totally expecting this to be full of poorly executed raunchy humor. It was not. I'm not sure what it is, but it's hilarious and confusing. Hilarifusing, if you will.
Also? Shining Armor for Best Husband! I don't know of anyone else in either universe who would put up with this sh*t.
8024632
My word, is it that time of year again? I've always viewed crackfic weeks as a sort of psychological delousing, where you dispose of all those awfully itchy ideas you can't get rid of by normal means.
I enjoyed this story throughout, and I especially loved the fact that this is so far the best explanation for the mirror's presence at the start of Equestria Girls. I'm left with the impression, though, that I'm supposed to have worked out what exactly Shining Armor innocently stumbled upon (and stumbled upon... and stumbled upon...) in his research, and I must confess that I have no clue. If it's supposed to be mysterious and vague, then that's fine — but at the moment I'm left feeling like I was supposed to catch something, only to have it sail over my head. Just like Google searches for esoteric maths and physics concepts tend to spike after a new XKCD comes out, the release of this fic will measurably raise the ranking of the search query "What is the difference between cuckolding and hotwife?"
Worst harem ever. Honestly, I think Cadance needs to talk to a therapist just a bit.
Oh my god.
Bwhahahahaha!
I was so convinced that the Official Princess Harem-Summoning Song was going to be the show's theme song. Guess not.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now Reviews #105.
My review can be found here.
funny little story.
8025215
That also would have been a good gag.
8025269
Thanks for the review! I appreciate your taking the time.
8025571
Thank you for writing something this funny.
...I don't get it
I'm surprised she didn't end up with a second Shiny, or even her own doppelganger.
Cadance, duck, you have serious issues.
I snickered when Cadance said there were no stallions in the harem.
When I read was WAS in the harem, I snickered harder.
So. I have a question.
Is this funny?
8024642 You're not the only one. But at least you're chuckling I guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I...
I just...
WHAT?!
8025772
Hilarious.
8024743
I don't think I've seen this used since John Perry and his teamsters, but of course the best part of that was that it was the result of a misunderstanding.
Great work. Something tells me I'll manage to navigate back to this story quite by accident at least a few times over the coming days.
Trollestia played the long game on this one
The best reference of all.
I lovehate you so much now.
I don't know what I expected when I started this story. Definitely not what I got, though!
This was one weird and awkward and amusing read.
8025189
Impossible. By definition, anything Miss Harshwinny is a part of cannot be worst.
That said, it is rather far down there otherwise.
8025146
Yeah, this. What is the thing we're supposed to catch there?
I don't understand why everyone is calling it a crack fic. I mean your elders (especially the one that raised you) expectations can sometimes be very demanding even if the reason is silly
I don't get it, I mean I got all the refrences to Stevedores and such but to me it was like setting up a punchline and being disapointed.
I want to enjoy this but the most this got out of me is a smirk and for that I apologise for not getting it.
8026602
Okay, I wasn't going to do this, as I believe in letting people enjoy or react to the work in their own way without the author dropping Intent like a twenty-ton weight, but just to clarify:
There is no puzzle here. No close reading of the text will allow you to determine the cryptographically-obscured secret of what's on the page. I am merely employing the Lovecraft Principle, only with sexy times instead of eldritch abominations.
Thank you for reading, and peace out.
Hey, that's pretty good!
8026736
IDK, I think sleeping with an elder god might be two thirds more expensive. I'm just saying.
you know when you have the word "Harem" in the title of your story it shouldn't be ratted T
I can see it now. Celestia actually got a harem bakers, Luna got a Harem of Bronies, and stars help us if Twilight ever has a go of it.
8026922 "Hi, my name is Elon Musk... why do I have a horn?"
8026891
I can see why you might think that, but you're wrong.
8025931 Can you explain how it's funny without blatantly using the author's previous reputation to prop up your confidence in it?
8026736
And I just wanted to say that too! Heh.
In other news...
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/12/1/1034171__safe_artist-colon-bbbhuey_flash+sentry_spike_twilight+sparkle_equestria+girls_adorkable_blushing_comic_cute_face+of+mercy_flashlight_frown_gri.png
8025772
Some people think so. Others don't. Same as most humor, I guess?
8027094 Fair point, fair point.
I know there is a joke here that I'm missing. I can see it just out of the corner of my eye but not getting it.