• Member Since 6th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen Apr 1st, 2019

SprocketProductions


Creativity in its purest form is self-expression. I choose to try to express myself in everything I do.

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Calvin thinks his OC, Blood Moon is a brilliantly written character. He's an alicorn colored in pitch black and bright red, who murdered both Celestia and Luna. He strikes terror into every Pony he sees! His past is too dark to talk about...
At first, he thinks being transported to Equestria would be a fantastic experience where he would have all the power in the world, but maybe some of these things written into his character aren't quite plausible.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 18 )

8011493 My only question is if he's even an alicorn at this point, seeing as nopony has said anything about it, as I would expect them to if one randomly showed up.

This is kind of... really predictable. Edgy black and red grimderp villain goes to Equestria and fails at everything. You aren't doing anything new or original with this premise, and it isn't a new or original premise in the first place. Heck, it's been six years, are there still kids that make black and red OCs in this fandom, or have our dedicated of unfulfilled tumblr anti-shipper-tier Fandom Police chased them all off while pointedly ignoring the "And then anon goes to equestria and becomes a human god" people?

People will probably laugh at this because some youtuber or deviantart writing tutorial said to hate black and red OCs and laugh when things go badly for them, but... there aren't really any jokes in this fic. "The failure tries to do something and fails" isn't a joke on its own, it's the setup for a joke.

Have you ever seen The Avengers? Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and failing wasn't funny. Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and failing because his spear bounced off his heart piece with an audible chink was pretty funny. The scene with Loki and Iron Man building up dramatically, Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and saying a oneliner and failing because his spear bounced off his heart piece with an audible chink, causing the dramatic music to stop... there's a pause where the tension that had built up fell flat. Loki is confused. He tries again, there's an audible chink, and this serious scene becomes hilarious. Loki quietly says "This usually works" and Iron Man makes a joke about performance issues, and the whole thing becomes even funnier. Up until this point, that heartchange technique was terrifying, and now, seeing it fail in such a hilarious way, it's funny again.

Now imagine it's this OC. This weird human that, for some reason, idolizes villains and wants to be evil, becomes a nonthreatening and weak failure of a pony nopony takes seriously or has any reason to find scary. When he fails, it isn't surprising. It doesn't subvert any expectations, which is one of the easiest ways to make a joke work.

In any case... The comedy in this so far is that the bad guy wants to be scary, but ponies don't find him scary and he can't use his magic properly. You could make a good comedy about this, but why did he expect to see a house in the Everfree? Why did he seem to know its exact location? It feels like you have a checklist of ideas you hate, and you're using this fic to insult them without really taking the time to think of them and think why they don't work or think of ways to amusingly and cleverly mock them.

The villain looking for his lair and finding nothing doesn't work. The villain looking for his lair and finding a timberwolf that chases him away doesn't work. You know what would work? If the villain looked for his lair and found a creepy abandoned mansion in the woods... but wildlife, dampness, rising damp, creaky structurally unsound floorboards, etc all combined to make the place a terrible place to live in. Or you could run the joke faster, making the whole place collapse the second he steps foot in it. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the heat of the volcano is keeping him from accessing the lair without burning up. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the heat of the volcano is melting/burning everything inside the lair. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the lair is slowly melting into the lava.

You really, really need to slow down the pacing of this story, get into the character's head, and get better at explaining things. You also need to learn about comedic timing and joke structure. Want me to post links to some tutorials?

8011753 the joke is that it's predictable and morally questionable

8012040

>the joke is that it's predictable and morally questionable

Let's break this down.

>the joke is that it's predictable

Not how jokes work.

>and morally questionable

Doing morally questionable things on their own aren't funny. Also, what's "Morally questionable" about a loser doing bad things because he wants to be a cool badass villain feared by all? That's both morally wrong and dumb. "Morally questionable" is stealing from the rich to give to the poor, or taking one life to save another.

8013247 never mind. You obviously just feel like criticizing me. I've had enough stress this week. If you comment again in the same manner, don't expect a response.

I found this kind of silly - in a good way.
To avoid confusion you may point out in the description this is supposed to be a parody.
(It is supposed to be a parody, right?)

8015654 last time I outright explained that one I found my stories was meant to be taken as a joke, I got a storm of negativity about the story due to that. Yet people tend to give never flack when I don't specify that too, aside from on You're a Princess Now. People seem to adore that one

"I don't know, honestly. I really can't tell you anything about my past." He stated.
She probed, "Why not?"
"Because I'm written as a two-dimensional character." Moon admitted.

Don't worry, you are not the only one.
But one of the very few who realized it, which is already a huge progress.

8023628 I can't tell whether that's an insult or not

8023914
I didn't mean that as an insult to anyone!
(In hindsight my comment may be a bit misleading.)

I just wanted to point out many badly written OC's are two-dimensional characters, but, other than yours in this story, they don't seem to be aware about it.
In my opinion this was suppodes to be a reference to this (like a parody).

8024117 ah, alright, that makes sense
Also the main character won't forever be bent on taking over Equestria

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